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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,
This is my 1st post so would appreciate your help.
I found out some time ago that my bf of 13 years had been contacting via internet a woman in America (we live in the UK) & they had also been telephoning each other. Obviously I was not happy about this but he said she was more of a pen pal & he found her life interesting.

Two weeks ago my bf went on a stag party (bachelor party for the Americans) for 3 nts & lo & behold somehow via the computer I found out he was actually meeting up with her.

So they spent 3 nts together in an hotel. He said they had sex twice, but he did not find her attractive as she had lots of loose skin? and was not very good looking. My answer to this; why did you sleep with her then, his answer; I'm a man.

He has spoken to her once since they returned explaining that I had found out, also she had told her husband & that basically it was causing too much heartbreak.
So what do you think, I love him, he says he loves & adores me, but it is just something he had to get out of his system & that basically he wanted his cake & eat it (at least he was honest there).
I think I am kind of weird, because since I found out, I want to be with him more & am quite clingy. I feel stupid but cannot help it.

My friend is really annoyed with me because she says I should have left straight away, but it is not always that easy.

Obviously the trust has gone & I am fed up of checking the computer every morning to see if he has contacted her. Do you think there is any hope? Or is it once a cheat, always a cheat.
I am 36 & he is 45, no children.
I would love some male input as well as ladies.
Many thanks.
 

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I recently posted a similar problem with my husband, so I wanted to respond to you.

Although I do not have any answers to your problem (being that I am in a similar boat) I found this one response from a woman who posted a reply to another woman indicating that her husband lied and cheated. It really touched me and I wanted to share it with you. It's from www. cupid something. I will try to get you the exact link if you're interested. Anyway, here it is...

A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2005):


"I have been in a very similar situation. If you have'nt already done so you need to tell him how you feel plain and simple so he can understand. I tried this I also tried writing it in a letter and even playing him at his own game in the hope he would realise how i felt. My husband was always lying to me about small pointless things most of the time and a few bigger things but small lies mount up once they have lied a few times you start losing trust and wandering about everything he says or does. My husband was also very decietful which is just as bad and although I confronted him a number of times he seemed to have no concience and denied everything leaving me feeling helpless. I tried everything i could think of over and over again i was determined not to let this break us up but after a couple of years and feeling mentally exhausted i had to give up for the sake of our chidren if nothing else as it was no longer a happy house and their welfare has to be priority. after ending our marriage on good terms it was then he showed his true colours and i realised i did the right thing. Once you lose trust everything slowly dies with it. All I can say is fight with all you have to make him understand but dont put up with it and dont run yourself into the ground as I nearly did know when enough is enough. If things dont work at least you can say you tried your best. Good luck I really hope it goes well."

Good luck with your situation. Hope this helped.
 

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Dear Bandit

This is a perfect example of how a so called "innocent" long distance relationship can evolve into something else. Even when there are great distances involved. They may begin because the parties feels it is safe but that is a fallacy. I am so sorry for your pain. The “discover day” is a very difficult time for you and will sting for some time to come. That he supposedly came clean with you after you found out is a good thing. But once someone betrays another you must both be careful to see that it never happens again. If you have read any of my posts you will see I have very little sympathy or respect for those who cheat. But I do believe in forgiveness and a second chance for people. Since there has been a breach in your union you may want to seek counsel or spend some time to make sure each of you understands what the other is needing in your relationship. Communication will be key. If you elect to move forward with the relationship make sure he understands he is in a zero tolerance position. He must not fail in his committements to you. He must break off all communications with her forever. Trust can return but that will take time. You will need to be vigilant to make sure he is following through. And he needs to understand you must rebuild that trust and that he will have to understand your “snooping” for some time to come May I ask since you have been together for so long, why haven’t you gotten married? Seems a long time without that total commitment. My best wishes to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thankyou very much for your responses they are very helpful. I have always wanted to get married, but unfortunately he has not using the excuse that everyone he knows who has married is now divorced, which is pretty much true. However they are not us. I think he is a commitment phobe although he denies this saying he is committed to me.

Yes I have made it clear that it must all stop & he knows I continue to snoop. He says he is trying his best?
I get so tired of snooping though I just want to trust, but truth be known I have never trusted him, he has always been a flirt, so that is something I have come to accept from quite early on, his whole family are like it.
He is very loving & says the right things, but I just wonder if he said all the right things to her also.
We are going on holiday in a week, so I think I will see how it goes & then make a decision.
Does anyone ever think, life was not meant to be this hard?
Thankyou.
 

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Bandit

Take your time with your decision. Let the dust clear a little on this. If it is not meant to be then it just isn’t. You have been seriously hurt and only he can take responsibility for that. To cheat on a partner is an awful thing to do and I hope he truly shows remorse and humility. I have been through the emotional affair ordeal. Still am, but not the physical betrayal. I’m sure it is difficult. There are no doubt, many factors and issues you will need to consider in your process. Be honest with yourself and him in discussing them. Even though there is not a marriage commitment, there is a serious emotional one based on the length of your relationship. Decide what you really want for your future, then do your best to get you there. With or without him. Again good luck and take care.
 

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Since you have been together for quite a while, without being married, it seems the bf intends to have the upper hand in the relationship, with his doing what he chooses and you being available to wash his socks or something similar.

There's no real reason you should accpet what he has done, or forgive him, because there hasn't been that last step into the commitment of marriage.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he can do as he wishes, because the two of you are not married. I don't see that changing regardless of how heartfelt his apologies might be. This may be why he hasn't wanted to marry.

It is time you decide if you want to live with this disadvantage or not.

Life is short. In your shoes, I would be moving on and finding a fellow who treats me as his equal, and a his wife.
 

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I would say let your heart follow your mind. You lost trust in him and worrying about it and it is driving you down. How good of a relationship can you have? Is this how you want to feel for the rest of your life?

draconis
 

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My advice is that you do not leave him because others mmay be forcing you to. You need to decide for yourself and then worktowards it, if you choose to remain in the relationship, it may be helpful if you got some counselling. The trust factor is major and he needs to reassure you that he will not do it again so you can stop your snooping because it's too much stress on you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
You know these replies have helped me a great deal.
However it just seems he expects things to go completely back to normal. To me he is not making much of an effort & I do not know if he is still in contact with this woman, although he obviously says he isn't. He does not seem interested in sleeping with me either.
The strangest thing happened to me last week, I actually met a man who I seem to have lots in common with, says he would never cheat (as his ex did to him) & seems very interested in me.
Now before all this happened with my partner, I would normally not have given anyone else the time of day, but I have clicked with this lovely man. I have 'nt done anything & wouldn't don't get me wrong, but I am just like a lovesick schoolgirl. I have' nt eaten properly for 3 days & my stomach is in knots.
I am now not so bothered about my partner & infact am dreading going away with him on holiday next week. What should I do?
This new man says go on holiday with an open mind & if we can work things out then great, but if I am still interested in him when I get back then he is willing to give things a go with me, but only when I have definitely split. As I said he does not believe in cheating, nor do I.
I just feel the timing of meeting this man is fate or something, like it was meant to be.
I am very happy, sad, confused, excited. Very weird, but if nothing else it has opened my eyes up to the possibility there may be something else out there for me.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings, it helps. Any advice?
 

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I've heard a saying once..."When God closes a door, He always opens a window".

Although during this difficult time this new man sounds like a great distraction, a bit of cushion, if you will, to help ease the pain you may feel at the loss of trust or love of your current partner, I would be wary. My heart is telling me that this man is likely not the solution to your current situation. YOU are the solution. Asking yourself difficult questions like, is your current partner the only man that has cheated on you? Are you attracting men of similar nature? Are you happy on your own, do you feel satisfied in your life without a man present?

Ultimately you know what you need to ask or explore to help yourself heal and hopefully attract a man or a relationship that is respectful and worthy of your time and love when the time is right.

I wish you strength. It may help to gather your support around you, those who know and love you.
 

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Bandit0000

I wouldn’t dream of giving you advice in either direction. This is your decision and yours alone. You are the only one on this forum that really knows both men. I will say that with all the emotional distress your boy friend has brought to your life it would seem natural to look elsewhere. Just be cautious, your emotional state places you in a very difficult place and your decision process could be inappropriately swayed in either direction. Be careful and take care.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I've heard a saying once..."When God closes a door, He always opens a window".

Although during this difficult time this new man sounds like a great distraction, a bit of cushion, if you will, to help ease the pain you may feel at the loss of trust or love of your current partner, I would be wary. My heart is telling me that this man is likely not the solution to your current situation. YOU are the solution. Asking yourself difficult questions like, is your current partner the only man that has cheated on you? Are you attracting men of similar nature? Are you happy on your own, do you feel satisfied in your life without a man present?

Ultimately you know what you need to ask or explore to help yourself heal and hopefully attract a man or a relationship that is respectful and worthy of your time and love when the time is right.

I wish you strength. It may help to gather your support around you, those who know and love you.
Hi,
Yes he is the only man who has cheated on me.
No I do not think I am attracting the same type as I said this new man would not even consider cheating as he had it done to him, also he is not willing to take things any further with me until I decide one way or the other about my current situation. This means he does not want me to cheat either.
Yes I would be happy on my own & do not need a man in my life to feel fulfilled.
It is just that this new man came totally out of the blue when I was so not looking, but if nothing else he has given me a new lease of life, boosted my confidence & made me realise there is more to life than feeling I have to stay with a cheat because he is my best bet.
So if nothing comes of the the situation with this new man, then I will at least thank him for that.
Thanks all for your help.
Much appreciated.
 

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Yeah, well, my husband's marriage broke up because his wife was sleeping with one of his friends, he said that he would NEVER, EVER cheat on me, and about 6 months ago I found out he had signed up for TWO dating websites (one for married swingers), and had indicated in his profile of both of them that he was single. We're still not right over that, and may not ever be. But had I caught him later, rather than a day or so after he signed up, who knows what would have happened. Don't ever trust what someone pushes out their mouth. History is a long time making, but it's the only true test.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Yeah, well, my husband's marriage broke up because his wife was sleeping with one of his friends, he said that he would NEVER, EVER cheat on me, and about 6 months ago I found out he had signed up for TWO dating websites (one for married swingers), and had indicated in his profile of both of them that he was single. We're still not right over that, and may not ever be. But had I caught him later, rather than a day or so after he signed up, who knows what would have happened. Don't ever trust what someone pushes out their mouth. History is a long time making, but it's the only true test.
Hi,
Sorry to hear about that.
Yes I think you are right, talk is cheap, but does that mean we can never trust anyone?
Phew is'nt life hard, we are nice people, why do our partners want to cheat on us?
 

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Hi,

I am not a man but I have my share of experience and I hope that painful experience would help you. This is my story:

When I was 24 I met the man of my dreams. After an idyllic romance I found out he had cheated on me. I forgave him because he swore he would never do that again. Then he proposed. I thought that meant he really loved me and wanted to put the past in the past...I couldn't be more wrong.

3 months before the wedding he sent me an e-mail -yes, he didn't even have the courage to tell me face to face- telling me he had cheated on me and no longer wanted to be with me. I was devastated. I had to figure out what I'd done wrong, and why she was better than me. In my stupid obsession, I was more determined to gain him back and prove he loved ME and not her.

When he cheated on her, I realized than once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. I was so damaged emotionally, I needed therapy. My therapist then told me women are competitive by nature, and we fight to gain the prize -a man- without even considering if he's worth the fight.

And about the claim that he did that because he's a man and he needed to get it out of his system is just BS.
 

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My advise, and take it for what you will....is that if you decide to end the current relationship, it is probably best not to jump right into another one, and remember that the "cheating" just like anything else in life is subjective. What you consider cheating, he may not. Some don't realise that emotional cheating is almost worst then physical cheating. Having sex is physical, but spending hours and hours with someone online is deeper then just "sex".
 

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Your emotions are on a high ow, you are starved for affection and love to say the least. So this nice man has swept you off your feet. Just try to think straight though, giving everything careful thought.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Your emotions are on a high ow, you are starved for affection and love to say the least. So this nice man has swept you off your feet. Just try to think straight though, giving everything careful thought.

Hi,
I think you are right, this man has really turned my head. However he has been abroad on business this week, he did text me while he was away, but I have not heard anything from him today.
He was due back today although I don't know what time.
I think I have probably scared him off, I was acting like he was going to marry me or something. He must think I am a bunny boiler.
So feel rubbish again now, he would have contacted on his return right if he had missed me?:confused:
 
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