Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
121 - 140 of 155 Posts
Discussion starter · #121 ·
There's a fair chance if you think more is going on, then more was probably going on.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation myself.

The only solution i've found in the mean time is improving myself. Working out, eating right, taking care of #1. But then, you should be doing that anyway.

If you do that, no matter how things turn out you'll be in a better situation.

It's painful when you read all the things they say to each other and the passion the WW/WH feels was never something they had for you. Being plan B sucks. And make no mistake, you like me, are plan B. If this guy had said seriously: "lets run away together" she would probably have dropped everything and went. You were a stepping stone to her finding something better.

The question is, do you want to be with her? If the answer is yes, then the next question would be: are you forever plan b, or was this situation an outlier and not something likely to happen again?

Think back long and hard to the relationship over the years. That romantic spark she felt, did she ever have that for you? If the answer is no, if nothing you did ever mattered to her, then there is probably no good reason to think that will ever change.

Were you kept around for convenience or to help pay bills, or was it love?
Bro all questions I obsess on. I don't want to be the farmer in bridges of ******* county if you ever seen that movie. the guy she loves but not the guy her soul burns for. I think that's my major issue. I feel like plan B.
 
Discussion starter · #122 ·
I'm also curious how you know so well where things were in their relationship. She's had plenty of time and space to brew some stories and convince even herself of a workable version of the truth. Or maybe she's telling the truth as it actually happened - highly doubtful, but who knows? The truth is a flexible thing to a cheater.

But hey, I'm just some guy on a forum, what do I know? In my case, I've been told there was no "sex" to this day - I got the Bill Clinton omission/lie, basically, until I asked very specific questions during a candid moment. With the things I know that happened and her mindset at the time, I'm sure posters would vote in the +90% range that it went all the way.

Does it matter? I'm not sure anymore... and she's not budging from her story. The truth I did manage to come by came only after I asked to separate. Her behavior in the beginning is as you describe your WW, but I was in no mood to tolerate it, and haven't been since. I wish I could also go back in time and un-tolerate her behavior in the years prior to the affair.

I would be careful not to completely disassociate what she did with reality - i.e. she went "psycho" - as it seems to me that this negates a very big and very real truth that both of you need to realize. She made not one choice, but a series of choices: She adopted a new mind-set which did not include you, and which actually caused and would have continued to cause harm to your life. Now maybe she wasn't acting like herself - my ww certainly wasn't - but I've never let her shy away from owning the many things she did wrong. She tried a lot in the beginning, but again, I don't tolerate it.

I completely understand the added sting of being ignored, having her slob around, expecting the world while doing nothing, while you are being faithful and good partner to no avail. Then she comes to life for some other POS guy who isn't 1/2 the man she has right in front of her. I get angry just thinking about it.

I also understand being close to personal grief/disaster and being abandoned in such a way by your partner, and I'm sorry to hear about your story. I was a better partner than she deserved, but then we were in in accident in which she was driving, and I am still recovering, and I was not/am not the person I was before. She stopped supporting my treatment as I had continuing issues, I stopped putting in the work at home and she hadn't been pulling her weight for years, and she had her affair about a year later. A few years before that, my brother died at 17 to a sudden brain disease which also affected my only other sibling. We named our son after my brother.

I understand being best friends, thinking she was incapable of cheating, and then watching her fall in "love" with some scumbag. Yes, it can happen to anyone. The punch that hurts the most is the one you don't see coming, and it seems that you and I both weren't looking in the direction of this blow. I also feel like I'm just going through the motions sometimes and I am empty, or at least not connected with my reality, as I take care of our son and work towards our future... my mind is 1/2 way out the door. Right there with you. Again, some of this is probably normal, but I think your situation could be improved.
Cabsy thanks man and I feel for you. I think about all the army wives who husbands are not even around and they can stay faithful, or truckers wives people who are not around and the wife doesn't do this. Im right here and giving the emotional and the physical and she just goes for some POS married loser. with this wigged out way. Looks like your wife decided to strike while you were down. I guess we will not know true devotion and love.
 
Cabsy thanks man and I feel for you. I think about all the army wives who husbands are not even around and they can stay faithful, or truckers wives people who are not around and the wife doesn't do this. Im right here and giving the emotional and the physical and she just goes for some POS married loser. with this wigged out way. Looks like your wife decided to strike while you were down. I guess we will not know true devotion and love.
She's devoted and loving now... feels great, or would, except being unable to enjoy how well things are going now actually makes it all seem crappy. Cheating tinges everything. Our situations sound kind of similar which is why I shared part of my story. We each have our own problems, but we are not alone in how we feel.

For me, it's hard to forget the many years my needs went unmet while she put little/no work into the relationship. Like your WW... she slummed around the house, she also barely looked up from her phone, and she went to bed early. She came alive for the married POSOM.

That she cheated during one of the few times that I needed to (but couldn't) lean on her adds to the sting. At 1.5 years out from my join date, I wonder every day if this will go away, get better, or if I'm just throwing good time after bad.

For you, I think that the trickle-truth and uncertainty (something with which I also struggled) are still plaguing you. The wound is fresh again, and it can't close and heal until you can flesh through what all of this means to you. I think your WW could be more supportive as well, and this is key, because if she can't understand and accept the feelings you seem to be having, then your resentment will only grow.

I'm following a few threads, so I forget if she's done IC, but this could be very helpful if she finds a good counselor. Has your WW read any books? Is she still avoidant of discussions about what happened or does she own it? Is she more about helping you heal or diverting attention away from uncomfortable discussions?

In other words... is she focused on you and what you need to heal, or is she still focused on keeping herself happy and comfortable? If it's the latter... do you tolerate it, and if so, why, given that you're obviously not content?
 
Discussion starter · #124 ·
OP,

Believe me I too understand what you are going through. I'm 3.5 years out from my hubby affair, and still struggling through dead space. The biggest hurdle for me, I can't get through, once a 3rd person is brought into the marriage, into the couple, between "us," it changes everything that came before. Sorta like you cant un-ring the bell, because it's been rung, all you can do is listen.

Affairs changes the spouse in profound ways that the ww's never understand.

-sammy
you are correct. all the experiences, all the special moments, all the things you have to overcome in life good and bad. 20 years worth together like a team and bang. a stranger comes into the mix and the way it was done. a married, fat , bald loser who she is all fawning over. HIS lack of manhood is the only thing that saved it from not going PA if it didn't. she certainly didn't seem to be stopping anything. SOOO what was all those moments 20 years ago for????
 
Discussion starter · #126 ·
I still have a hard time buying that they never did anything physical. If that's all he wanted, and she wanted him, and she's blasting "Come and Get It" on her headphones all day... either he never came and got the only thing he wanted from her, or she never gave up what she seemed so willing to give to him. If she was that into him, why did it never progress? Can she answer such questions in a real way?

As an observer, her answers seem shallow and unsatisfying. It can't be that complicated. Either she knows the real answers and doesn't want to lose you or hurt or own situation, or she is hiding from the truth herself, because it's painful being wrong and dissecting your own mistakes. If she hasn't noodled around in her own brain to find what caused her behavior, then as Groundpounder said, how can you have any confidence this won't happen again?

I sympathize with a lot of what you're feeling. I've wanted to leave, but then I think of shared custody, visitation, and child support... the childhood I knew. I've wanted to stay, and tell her that I'm in R 100%, but then the next day I'm down in the dumps wondering how she could behave the way she did... if I can ever get over it while still with her, or if she could ever do it again. I imagine these feelings are somewhat normal. It's up to us, based on our own feelings and assessment of our situations, to decide if we want to leave or stay.

It's clear you are torn, and again, I understand that feeling well. I hope you find more peace in your life.
look at it from a realistic stand point. their interaction is only in the office so your not going to go up to your boss and say lets go f. a relationship pf trust has to be built up no matter what your feeling. they were flirting but he did not no the extent of her bullcrap and he was her married boss so to make a move and be wrong would of cost her the job plus I would find out. IIIII broke it up days before it was going to go PA as my scumbag wife was going to ask him to lunch and initiate something at least that was the mental plan. This guy wore feetie pajamas, never had a fight in his life, he was not a alpha male. 1 and half out and I don't feel any better about any of it. It just sucks. she wrecked what I thought we had and that can never come back.
 
Discussion starter · #127 ·
This is the crap I can not understand for the life of me. The mindset that all of they could do without a care in the world. They talk all lovey blah blah blah as if the BH simply got over the fact the W was doing all these things with out a care in the world. In their brain it was justified for some stupid reason. Astonishing.

Darkdays, I really feel for you man. Your upset expressed in your post is tangible. Somehow I do not believe your wife suffered any consequences of much measure.
she probably only cares that she got caught. I am sure she wouldn't want to lose her paycheck aka me.
 
Discussion starter · #128 ·
You've been gone a few months, brother. Evidently things are not any better than they were before.
nope not really I just try and not bring things up anymore. I never ever ever thought I would be here. IF I didn't blow this thing up it would be PA not that it makes it any worse since she was a dog in heat over this fing loser. I recall Christmas eve. the kids were sleeping upstairs, lights were dim and we were sitting on the sofa watching its a wonderful life on DVD. I recall thinking to myself how fing lucky I was. 3 years later my dad is dead and my wife was obsessed with her married boss. No zu zu pettles for me. It all seems fake now, the past the present, the future.
 
OP, guess who's your best friend? You. It hurts so much because we BS s become so emotionally dependent on our WS s that after betrayal it feels like a part of us betrayed us. You are all you got. Your WW is just an afterthought.
 
Discussion starter · #131 ·
There's a fair chance if you think more is going on, then more was probably going on.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation myself.

The only solution i've found in the mean time is improving myself. Working out, eating right, taking care of #1. But then, you should be doing that anyway.

If you do that, no matter how things turn out you'll be in a better situation.

It's painful when you read all the things they say to each other and the passion the WW/WH feels was never something they had for you. Being plan B sucks. And make no mistake, you like me, are plan B. If this guy had said seriously: "lets run away together" she would probably have dropped everything and went. You were a stepping stone to her finding something better.

The question is, do you want to be with her? If the answer is yes, then the next question would be: are you forever plan b, or was this situation an outlier and not something likely to happen again?

Think back long and hard to the relationship over the years. That romantic spark she felt, did she ever have that for you? If the answer is no, if nothing you did ever mattered to her, then there is probably no good reason to think that will ever change.

Were you kept around for convenience or to help pay bills, or was it love?
you nailed it man. All things I question daily. going back picking the bones of our relationship. Was it real??? your right. I feel if this dude said lets both leave our spouses and move to indie or wherever I think she would of been swept up and done it. That makes me plan B doesn't it???
 
Discussion starter · #132 ·
I remember you saying that you "blew it up" just days before it was to go physical. How did you know she was going to do that? Was it something you just felt, or did she somehow telegraph the intent to you? In any case good luck in the future. I think I'd have just ended it with her if it was me, although there's no way to know that until it happens to you.
thumper. at one time I had done private investigations concerning cheaters. I new signs to look for. I was seeing a lot of those signs. I confronted her and she started breaking down and blabbing and in that time period she told me her basic plan was to do stuff with him so that he would fall in love with her. In her so called remorse she thanked me for stopping it in retrospect before she made the biggest mistake of her life. SHE already did but she was talking about doing stuff with him. I basically investigated her and confronted her and questioned her in a way to nail her down. She had finally gotten up the courage of making her move the week things blew up. I didn't find out about the office lollipop games and all this sick **** until this year over a year later.
 
I could not live like you are, I am sorry, I'm sure it's emotionally draining. You got two choices bro, accept what happened and let it go, or end it. Sounds like you are incapable of accepting so that only leaves the other choice. Staus quo is not a choice, it's killing you.

Consider this though, she did what she did as I'm sure to her she was bored and this was exciting. Maybe she learned a lesson and really hates that she did it? Do you trust her now? If not, go man, go now. If you do, then go to marriage counseling and get this all out in the open. You have to talk through it.
 
Discussion starter · #134 ·
I'm also curious how you know so well where things were in their relationship. She's had plenty of time and space to brew some stories and convince even herself of a workable version of the truth. Or maybe she's telling the truth as it actually happened - highly doubtful, but who knows? The truth is a flexible thing to a cheater.

But hey, I'm just some guy on a forum, what do I know? In my case, I've been told there was no "sex" to this day - I got the Bill Clinton omission/lie, basically, until I asked very specific questions during a candid moment. With the things I know that happened and her mindset at the time, I'm sure posters would vote in the +90% range that it went all the way.

Does it matter? I'm not sure anymore... and she's not budging from her story. The truth I did manage to come by came only after I asked to separate. Her behavior in the beginning is as you describe your WW, but I was in no mood to tolerate it, and haven't been since. I wish I could also go back in time and un-tolerate her behavior in the years prior to the affair.

I would be careful not to completely disassociate what she did with reality - i.e. she went "psycho" - as it seems to me that this negates a very big and very real truth that both of you need to realize. She made not one choice, but a series of choices: She adopted a new mind-set which did not include you, and which actually caused and would have continued to cause harm to your life. Now maybe she wasn't acting like herself - my ww certainly wasn't - but I've never let her shy away from owning the many things she did wrong. She tried a lot in the beginning, but again, I don't tolerate it.

I completely understand the added sting of being ignored, having her slob around, expecting the world while doing nothing, while you are being faithful and good partner to no avail. Then she comes to life for some other POS guy who isn't 1/2 the man she has right in front of her. I get angry just thinking about it.

I also understand being close to personal grief/disaster and being abandoned in such a way by your partner, and I'm sorry to hear about your story. I was a better partner than she deserved, but then we were in in accident in which she was driving, and I am still recovering, and I was not/am not the person I was before. She stopped supporting my treatment as I had continuing issues, I stopped putting in the work at home and she hadn't been pulling her weight for years, and she had her affair about a year later. A few years before that, my brother died at 17 to a sudden brain disease which also affected my only other sibling. We named our son after my brother.

I understand being best friends, thinking she was incapable of cheating, and then watching her fall in "love" with some scumbag. Yes, it can happen to anyone. The punch that hurts the most is the one you don't see coming, and it seems that you and I both weren't looking in the direction of this blow. I also feel like I'm just going through the motions sometimes and I am empty, or at least not connected with my reality, as I take care of our son and work towards our future... my mind is 1/2 way out the door. Right there with you. Again, some of this is probably normal, but I think your situation could be improved.
cabsy you are correct I feel like that as well. sorry man about your brother. Its an added sting when your dead love on just hit the ground and your partner for years is drooling over a loser. LOL writing it seems comical if it were not true. I am a moron for even staying but my mind is still numb, I just am on auto pilot going through life. work, home, sleep, work. I don't feel much like hanging with anyone anymore.
 
Discussion starter · #135 ·
After reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs" I have a slightly different view on this.

For many women, there is a deep emotional need for her man to provide financial stability. Now this is not the same as her loving him at all, but it is still something which brings her great emotional comfort. Without it, she may not be able to be happy in a relationship, and in fact may lose the ability to love the man.

So, financial support does not equal love, but lack of it can kill her love.

Meanwhile, she has other emotional needs and sexual needs. She suddenly believes that this OM is filling these other needs, and in the fog of lust/limerance she things she loves OM and no longer loves hubby.

At some point she realizes that OM isn't what she thought he was, and realizes that hubby is fulfilling some very important emotional needs of hers. It could be financial support, but probably also includes acts of service and gifts. She realizes, perhaps not consciously, that hubby is in fact better at being a partner than OM was. She may realize all she had was a crush on OM, whereas she in fact loves her husband.

None of this excuses the affair. Also, for many women the scenario may not be as stated. She may be settling for Plan B because OM dumped her and hubby provides a comfortable lifestyle for her.

But I think in the case of a successful R the WW comes to see her BH as far better than OM, and she loves and respects her BH.

BH is not always Plan B after the fact.
I think by the way she acted toward this guy it was not a crush, it was some kind of sick version of love. I am with the other poster in my heart I think if this guy said move away with me she would of dropped everything. She gets caught all of a sudden I am sweet as apple pie. SURE she has nothing to go back to but what she knows security for the last 20 years. BUT will her heart and mind really be mine or does her thought wander about what if?? my dilemma.
 
Discussion starter · #136 ·
It's like you're a boat that's tied off to a dock. The engine's idling and you mash the throttle every so often. If you pull at that rope long enough and it's gonna snap. You'll put the dock to your wake and you're on your way.

OR, you can step out of the boat on to the dock. A dock you've known for 20 years. It's been steady and sturdy until a recent storm.
You're not sure of it's stability anymore.

You either take you chances on the dock, or untie and motor off in to the unknown in the boat.

Right now you're doing neither and contemplating both.

I know what I would do, but I can't say for sure that it would be the best choice. The longer I waited to decide it, the worse I would feel when I finally made the choice.

I would sit her down and tell her this. I'm still having a hard time deciding if we should stay together. I want to draw up the preliminary D papers, lock them away then give this marriage my best shot.

Tell her that if she ever has doubts about being with you, or gets interested in someone else, she needs to tell you and you either D, or try to work it out. Also, that this is the time to tell you about anything she has done in the past and not already informed you of. If she doesn't tell you and you do find out something, you are gone. No ifs ands, or buts about it.

Step out on to the dock, or move on in the boat. You may not know for years to come if you'd made the best choice for yourself. But what you are doing now, not choosing, is going to make the decision for you in due time.
she is a liar bro I don't trust a thing she says anymore. a year and half later and I am hearing about sucking lollipops in the boss office to turn him on. she made it like she was handing in a project but when guys see that they get turned on. she was apparently working the lollipop good. ****ing POS. while I am out working my ass off for her this is what she is doing.
 
Discussion starter · #138 ·
I could not live like you are, I am sorry, I'm sure it's emotionally draining. You got two choices bro, accept what happened and let it go, or end it. Sounds like you are incapable of accepting so that only leaves the other choice. Staus quo is not a choice, it's killing you.

Consider this though, she did what she did as I'm sure to her she was bored and this was exciting. Maybe she learned a lesson and really hates that she did it? Do you trust her now? If not, go man, go now. If you do, then go to marriage counseling and get this all out in the open. You have to talk through it.
OK so I divorce her. Now she goes out and lives it up with some other scumbag and exposes my kids to whoever she pics with her great judgment. My kids now have to deal with being shuttled back and forth and all the BS, alimony payments, child support etc. I will be working to support her and her new eventual boyfriend.
 
Discussion starter · #140 ·
SO in years past we walked down forest lanes hand in hand. laughed together, hiked together, went on adventures together, built a family together. Christmas eve was sitting together in the dim light watching its a wonderful life. kids sleeping upstairs. presents under the tree. our dog curled up on our lap. It was a feeling of perfection to me. "family first". building my kids doll house in the basement and my "wife" giving me a cup of hot chocolate and watching on the stairs. a watch with the inscription "my heart is yours forever." ALL gone. a faded memory as I took the watch and dumped it on the floor the other day. She colored the past, she colored my present and she colored my future. I may stay in this thing but my soul is gone. I don't believe in magic anymore, I put away my romantic thoughts of life served up by my best friend and her actions over the death of my dad. This Christmas eve I will get no phone call from dad and if I sit and watch its a wonderful life it will make me think of the life she wanted with this other guy. I look at my kids smiling faces and her trying to R and inside I know its a lie. I used to buy gifts for her out of love and now I buy them because that's what you do. I can't hand her a card because I don't feel what it says anymore. I thought we were special and now I realize I am just another hairless ape like everyone else. I write here to just get it out and know that someone is listening and gets it. Thanks for all your advice and listening.
 
121 - 140 of 155 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top