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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have a problem...

I love my wife, our first anniversary is comming up but we have an issue.

my childhood best friend who I grew up with as brother and sister who I barely have an relationship with as an adult arrived to our wedding late and was allowed to enter the sanctuarry by the wedding coordinator during the processional right before the flower girl and the coordinator had her and her mother sit in the back pew. Then she and her mother left the reception early during the father daughter dance... at the time I did not notice any of this but my new wife made clear to me how she felt about the situation... she feels still to this day that it was done on purpose... I did not believe it at the time that it was purposeful and I still have trouble today seeing that it was on purpose because I've know her for so long and I cant imagine her doing that to me and my wife at our wedding. I agreed from day one that she should have known better and that it was stupid to come and leave when she did...

Now almost a year later I'm still paying for "defending" this person and not being on my wifes side, when I never defended the actions... I just dont believe it was purposeful

The problem now is that her father has just gone on the transplant list for his one remaining kidney... and all of the photos from the wedding with her and her father walking down the aisle or dancing has this person in the background...

I feel like my mairrage and my relationship with my wife is forever tarnished... and I dont know what to do...

She thinks it was on purpose, I dont, other people where were there her friends think it was too... Nobody has ever brought it up to me, I even asked people if they saw anything unusual... and they just said it was a beautiful wedding

I dont know how to believe something is true without knowing that is it true in my heart... I feel like I've failed my wife in the first hours of our marriage and that because of that she felt I betrayed her and abandoned her... so I feel like I deserve all of the crap I've had to deal with this entire year no matter how much I've tried to be the best husband I k now how to be... I just dont know how to believe something I can't believe... and I dont have any way of confronting the situation and trying to solve it without making things worse in my wifes eyes.

I dont know what to do

help
 

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Seriously, I think it's time for you to call her on this BS. I mean really, grow up. It's done, nothing can change it, it's time to move on with life. What's more important your wedding or your marriage?
 

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Regardless of whether your friend did this on purpose isn't really realtive at all to the issues you have in your marriage.

Your wife is taking this a an insult to her on your special day. I think she really needs to let go of this. The purpose of that day was to join the two of you in marriage. Her holding on to this anger towards you is poisioning your marriage. I'd suggest counseling to help her get past something that she cannot change.

If it serves to improve your relationship with your wife. offer to remove this person from your life from this point on and do that!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I have told her from the beginning and even as recently as this weekend I'm willing to cut all ties to the person but she says no because it will make things worse because she feels my family will not understand and will then dislike her because that person is basically like a family member... there is literally nothing I can do... I have been thinking about seeing a counselor just for my own mental well being... I'm pretty sure asking her to go will just make it worse... she is scared for her father and his kidney and she says all the photos of her and her father on that day are ruined because of this person in the background... I feel its impossible to just ask her to get over something that emotional
 

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Maybe your wife feels you like this other woman and is feeling insecure? Can you have someone photoshop the woman out of the pics with your wife's dad? How old is she and what's her birth order? This is a little ridiculous but I'm thinking maybe something else is bothering her?
 

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I'm with others here. You wife is acting like a child and has blown this all out of proportion. She needs to move on as do you.
 

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The wife is being unreasonable for whatever reason. It does seem lose-lose. But I have a fabulous idea.

For your 1 year anniversary, get the original digital image of the best photo of her father walking her down the isle from the photographer (may have to pay a fee; explain) and have a professional photoshop the woman and her mother out. A skilled person can do beautiful work. Maybe they blur everyone in the background and leave wife and Dad in focus. Ask the photographer for a reference. Present it as your anniversary present to her.

You're welcome. ;)
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
she says she never thought me and the person had any romantic past or thoughts... I dont fully believe that though because of other statements she has made... she says she just believes this person did all of this stuff for attention... to make the day about her... something that I just cant believe... at the reception the person came up and said " I cant believe your getting married first, I always thought it would be me" and my wife brings that up as trying to grab attention and make it about her...

what hurts the most is that this entire year my wife has talked about how much she hated our wedding day, she even acted like she did not want to do anything for our first anniversary... My wedding day was the best day of my life and I'm excited about our anniversary and his hurts so much when she talks like that, and when I tell her she just says well what do you expect?
 

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Your wife is jealous of your childhood friend. Your childhood friend is narcissistic.

Photoshop the friend out of the pictures. You can't redo that day so your wife needs to start acting like a grownup instead of a little girl.
 

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"I expect you to feel happy that we stood beside each other and pledged our lives together instead of focusing your attention on somebody you think was trying to take attention from you. Especially when nobody noticed so their attempt wasn't even successful. Even though I don't think that she was, I know you believe that so let's say you're right. If so, you seem to be the only person who gave her that attention, so why do you keep on letting her win?"
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
thanks everyone, I have not been able to talk to anyone else about this, it felt good to get it off my chest finally
 

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What's done is done. She needs to stop. There is absolutely NOTHING either of you can do about it now. So ask her -- "Honey, I understand how you feel and I'm sorry that this is a bad memory for you but what can I do about it? What will make you feel better? How can I fix it?" If she says "Nothing" (which likely will be her response) then you need to tell her she needs to let it go and accept it for what it is. It's not like you told your friend to show up late, leave early and make sure she does the Waldo thing in all the pictures of her and her dad. Remind her that this was your day too. Not just hers. Agree to disagree but pick your battles carefully. At the end of the day you need to have your wife's back. But even pity parties need to come to an end eventually.

And like EnjoliWoman said above, for your one year anniversary, take a few pictures of the wedding and have them mocked up. Do one of the two of you, one of her and her father and another special one. It'll be an absolutely perfect gift!

Whatever you do, don't buy her a soapbox for your anniversary. Sounds like she already has one.
 

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Even if it WAS done on purpose, so what? It says loads about them and nothing about you or your wife. Is her self esteem so low that she believes that someone else's ignorant act is somehow a comment on her?

Is your wife going to get bent out of shape over every small slight, real or perceived? Holding grudges takes time and energy away from truly important pursuits.

Also, have you found out why they left early? Maybe her mother was suffering from a kidney infection, was feeling ill, and had to leave? Either way, your wife has to rise above. There's no benefit to holding a grudge.
 

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WHAT is the big damn deal?? SO WHAT if someone was late for your wedding, sh!t happens! Also people are entitled to leave early if they wish. This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of someone being upset about for SO LONG. Your wife needs pull her head out of her a$$ and grow up, and YOU need to stop engaging with her over this! LET IT GO.

Besides, its the MARRIAGE that is important, not the wedding day. :)
 

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We all make choice in our life, and your wife is making a choice to react that way. She can decide the way she reacts.
Just ask her some questions like this:
-Why do you let this person affect your happiness?
-Do you believe that you create your own happiness or do you think other are responsible for it?
- We cannot change what happen during that day, so what can you do to be able to enjoy this memory?
- How important is for you to stay together? So if it's so important for you, how can you see yourself being more happier/positive ?

Those are some ideas. I think she needs her eyes to open that life is not that bad and you guys don't need dramas in your life.
 

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Well everyone dumped on the wife already so I won't bother with that. There has to be more to this story; has your bf treated your wife well? Does she do little things to let your wife know she had a closeness to you your wife doesn't have? Does she include your wife when she's around or just focus on you? Really think about this; opposite sex best friends can be a touchy thing if not handled properly and women do petty things like that all the time. maybe your wife is acting like a baby, I don't know, but since you'd like to solve this and simply telling your wife to grow up won't solve anything I thought it might be helpful to explore a different angle.
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Tell your wife to read this site. She needs to know what real problems are.

This is ridiculous.
Sorry, with all due respect I must take issue with this statement. Its not good to minimize anything that bothers someone; by that logic nobody here should complain about anything because people in war torn countries have it much worse. if it's causing trouble it's worth addressing.
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Well everyone dumped on the wife already so I won't bother with that. There has to be more to this story; has your bf treated your wife well? Does she do little things to let your wife know she had a closeness to you your wife doesn't have? Does she include your wife when she's around or just focus on you? Really think about this; opposite sex best friends can be a touchy thing if not handled properly and women do petty things like that all the time. maybe your wife is acting like a baby, I don't know, but since you'd like to solve this and simply telling your wife to grow up won't solve anything I thought it might be helpful to explore a different angle.
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this is my CHILDHOOD best friend... we grew up right across the street, she had a pool and a dog, and fairly well iff parents who took me with them on vacations and concerts... as we grew up we grew apart she was always my sister to me and to my older ststers... my sisters speak to her more now than I do, before I even met my wife I did not talk to my friend very often. my family even knew she had cancer well before I did. I never even called to talk to her during that situation. .. I never called to talk to her on her birthday, I skipped her bday party a few years ago because I did nit feel like dressing up... we were close as children... now not so much... my friend and my wife have only been aroundveach other 3 times... my birthdau the wedding and my nephews birthday... but she never liked her before she even meet her.... I hacve to go but I will come back with why in a few hours...
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
ok here is the back story that she says did not contribute...

1) when she first met my mom... my mom mentioned something that she has mentioned to me countless times before... she likes to stay out of her childrens relationships... that she is not the type to get too involved and attached... this is from her experience with my sisters past boyfriends and also seeing how these days parents are too involved in their childrens relationships... my wife took that to mean my mom did not wish to get to know her and is ambivalent towards her which I completely understand... and I explaind that that was not the case when she finally told me that bothered her... I am the youngest of my siblings who are 10 and 15 years older than me and im the first to get married and I was 31... my two sisters were close but never did... my dad died in 89 my mom is older, she wanted a future for her family but has been let down... I saw my wifes pov and got it but she did not trust my explination...

2) Im not a very public person. .. I dont talk to my mom often about my adult life... she had to call me in college to make sure I was ok... I went to college 10miles away from home... if that... sane when I moved into an apartment 5 miles away... all she knows about me in great detail is my childhood... so when she is in a situation to talk about me thats what she shares stories about. .. my childhood and by extention the person I soent the majority of my childhood with...

3) my family is real... especially around people they trust and like... we do ralk about things we feel are awkward and strange... like the ex of one of my sisters... we love him... grew very attached... my sister did something very stupid they were engaged he broke it off... 10 years later he married someone else... someone who is not a great person... we talk about that sometimes...

4) all of the above points made my wife believe that my family lives in the past, that we dont embrace new people. .. and therefore dont embrace her... she has her masters in communications or interpersonal communications and uses that as justification for her pov... it does not mayter that I know these people cuz they are my family... she says that makes me blind to it

then the wedding happened...
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