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Whoever initiates sex, the other person must be receptive (within reason)

  • Agree

    Votes: 16 69.6%
  • Disagree

    Votes: 7 30.4%

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Discussion Starter #81
I think it's incredibly sad that you are falling for it--- that you need to earn more money in order for her to have sex with you. It's not like you are some deadbeat person who doesn't contribute to the marriage financially because you are lazy and have no initiative.

Some men would be so totally turned off by this woman's mentality, they'd be disgusted with the kind of person she is. I think the core question is: why aren't YOU?
I'm not saying that's the reason, but I think when I mention my needs not getting met I'm just thinking it may be something she says in return.
 

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I'm not saying that's the reason, but I think when I mention my needs not getting met I'm just thinking it may be something she says in return.
If she's saying it in return then it could be one of the reasons...but it's more disturbing that she would be willing to use it as a reason to throw you off, so she doesn't have to take any responsibility for NOT being a full partner to you in your marriage...
 

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Discussion Starter #83
I used to think some of the reasons she used in the past, like she's tired from work, the kids have not long gone to sleep etc where all pretty valid and I put up them. However when I now think of it, it's simply a case of her saying I'm not feeling in the mood for reason X, Y or Z and whether I want to or not nothing's happening.

It's remarkably selfish and I don't think most people would tolerate it long term.
 

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You are rewriting history. Common for the wayward spouse. You had the affair because you wanted to and she was a 10. I mean people can't even understand how beautiful she was. Go back and read your own thread.

Most the times when sex dries up there are reasons. You've talked with her about sex. Have you talked about the overall relationship? Have you spent time discussing with her the state of the relationship other than just sex?
 

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Discussion Starter #85
You are rewriting history. Common for the wayward spouse. You had the affair because you wanted to and she was a 10. I mean people can't even understand how beautiful she was. Go back and read your own thread.

Most the times when sex dries up there are reasons. You've talked with her about sex. Have you talked about the overall relationship? Have you spent time discussing with her the state of the relationship other than just sex?
I had the affair because I was getting absolutely nothing from my wife. Read my thread before the affair happened.
Then yes a really attracted women turned my head.

Sex hasn’t dried up as such it just wasn’t as much as it used to be. It was usually when alcohol was involved and there was never any affection from wife, asking how my day went etc. Things that I was offering her.

I’ve heard every excuse in the book when it comes to improving things, She never told me anything specific that I’m not doing.

I’m a bit old for tit for tat now. Like I said we can have a really good day, lie together on the couch and she’ll just upstairs to bed and turn over.

Things now are exactly the same as they were before the affair so as far as I’m concerned that has no bearing on the issue.
 

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Even the comment about being drunk to perform oral sex, I find infuriating now. Every single time we have sex i do that for her, including times when i've been down there for 20 mins and nearly passing out under the duvet with the heat. I do this because I know it pleases her and that makes me happy. That's never reciprocated my way.
Have you ever heard the idea of a "covert contract" used in a sexual context?

This is when a husband does something nice for his wife and expects sexual favors in return, but this is never explicitly stated. If you told your wife that you will only give her oral if she is willing to reciprocate, she may very well opt out and ask you NOT to perform oral on her. Then you don't have to feel bad about it, or would you still for some reason?

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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Discussion Starter #88
Have you ever heard the idea of a "covert contract" used in a sexual context?

This is when a husband does something nice for his wife and expects sexual favors in return, but this is never explicitly stated. If you told your wife that you will only give her oral if she is willing to reciprocate, she may very well opt out and ask you NOT to perform oral on her. Then you don't have to feel bad about it, or would you still for some reason?

Regards,
Badsanta
I don’t perform oral sex for her so that she reciprocates with me. I doto satisfy her and I know it makes her happy.

Like I said I’m getting too old to play games, I’m not doing this so you’re not doing that etc. If my wife told me she was willing to stay together but didn’t want sex ever again I’d be out of the door like I shot. We’re not roommates.

I need to be involved in a fulfilling sexual marriage. I do lots of things for my wife because I know they make her happy. I do that because I love her. The issue happens when she knows I’m sexually frustrated and tells me to deal with it myself.

For me that’s not the sign of someone who cares about the persons needs or happiness.
 

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The issue happens when she knows I’m sexually frustrated and tells me to deal with it myself.

For me that’s not the sign of someone who cares about the persons needs or happiness.
Sex can be used as a weapon in marriage. It can be like going for the jugular in terms of inflicting pain.

Have you inflicted sexual pain on her in the past? Would she want to reciprocate that?
 

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Sex can be used as a weapon in marriage. It can be like going for the jugular in terms of inflicting pain.

Have you inflicted sexual pain on her in the past? Would she want to reciprocate that?
To elaborate on that I am talking about various forms of betrayal and/or rejection as things that can cause emotional pain.
 

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Discussion Starter #91
To elaborate on that I am talking about various forms of betrayal and/or rejection as things that can cause emotional pain.
No, the only act of betrayal I can think off is well documented on here.

I don’t think she’s doing it maliciously or anything like that but as you said in another thread there’s lots of different things that run through some women’s heads when they climb into bed.

The problem with that is she’s giving no consideration as to what I want and also if she met a new man in future and started a relationship I’m almost sure she wouldn’t be treating the same.

It’s like having a room mate who every now and again after you’ve shared a drink together you end up having sex because you knew she was more open to the suggestion because of the alcohol. The next day things back to normal again.
 

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No, the only act of betrayal I can think off is well documented on here.

I don’t think she’s doing it maliciously or anything like that but as you said in another thread there’s lots of different things that run through some women’s heads when they climb into bed.

The problem with that is she’s giving no consideration as to what I want and also if she met a new man in future and started a relationship I’m almost sure she wouldn’t be treating the same.

It’s like having a room mate who every now and again after you’ve shared a drink together you end up having sex because you knew she was more open to the suggestion because of the alcohol. The next day things back to normal again.
This could become UNBEARABLE...THIS is why I took sex with my husband completely OFF the table - NO more asking, no more "discussing" it, not more "reminding" him - because I could not bear the disappointment and feelings of utter rejection, EVERY time he was supposed to take care of MY needs, like I regularly did for him.

Giving up was the only path to peace for me, and a sense of control over my feelings.

I am NOT recommending it, because that means you embrace hopelessness, and most likely the end of your marriage, but it's the only option that made me feel better and safer - it was the only way to have someone CARE about MY needs -- ME.
 

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Discussion Starter #93
This could become UNBEARABLE...THIS is why I took sex with my husband completely OFF the table - NO more asking, no more "discussing" it, not more "reminding" him - because I could not bear the disappointment and feelings of utter rejection, EVERY time he was supposed to take care of MY needs, like I regularly did for him.

Giving up was the only path to peace for me, and a sense of control over my feelings.

I am NOT recommending it, because that means you embrace hopelessness, and most likely the end of your marriage, but it's the only option that made me feel better and safer - it was the only way to have someone CARE about MY needs -- ME.
I’ve made a mistake in the past but I still value myself enough to know what what I’m expecting is reasonable. I’m 40 next month and I could quite easily pass as a 30 year old, I’ve always looked younger than I am. I keep myself fit and I’m a good father.

I feel that I project enough out to have someone appreciate me for just being me, unfortunately it’s looking like the person I want that from doesn’t.

Tonight I’ve kept myself to myself, we’ve finished our series on Netflix anyway now which we’ve watched together for a few weeks. The kids are due to go to bed in 5 mins and my wife has already gone upstairs. She’ll be on her phone in bed.

I’ll wait downstairs and watch some tv on my own and go to bed in an hour or so. Hopefully she’ll be asleep by then.
 

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Tonight I’ve kept myself to myself, we’ve finished our series on Netflix anyway now which we’ve watched together for a few weeks. The kids are due to go to bed in 5 mins and my wife has already gone upstairs. She’ll be on her phone in bed.
Sorry to change the topic (no I'm not), but what shows do you and your wife watch on Netflix?

My wife and I really enjoyed "Masters of Sex" which was part of a premium channel on Amazon Prime. Some other shows we really enjoyed was "Parenthood" on Netflix and "Togetherness" on HBO.

I've never been able to find another show like "Masters of Sex" that respectfully approaches the topic of sex in a biographical period piece the way that one does. It was perhaps the best show for having a good conversation about sex after each show to see what we learned. I am not sure it ever helped anything, but definitely a great show to watch in the midst of challenging problems with sex in your own marriage playing a role in the background as you both watch.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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Discussion Starter #95
Sorry to change the topic (no I'm not), but what shows do you and your wife watch on Netflix?

My wife and I really enjoyed "Masters of Sex" which was part of a premium channel on Amazon Prime. Some other shows we really enjoyed was "Parenthood" on Netflix and "Togetherness" on HBO.

I've never been able to find another show like "Masters of Sex" that respectfully approaches the topic of sex in a biographical period piece the way that one does. It was perhaps the best show for having a good conversation about sex after each show to see what we learned. I am not sure it ever helped anything, but definitely a great show to watch in the midst of challenging problems with sex in your own marriage playing a role in the background as you both watch.

Regards,
Badsanta
We’ve watched quite a few things on Netflix but the most recent one was Queen of the South about a Mexican drugs cartel! My wife won’t watch anything about sex except she once went the cinema to watch 50 shades of grey with her mum and sister.

She actually told me the next morning she was horny when she got home but her mum and sister came back to ours with her and they ended up having a few drinks so any more thoughts on jumping on me apparently went out the window.

I’m just living the dream! Haha
 

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We’ve watched quite a few things on Netflix but the most recent one was Queen of the South about a Mexican drugs cartel! My wife won’t watch anything about sex except she once went the cinema to watch 50 shades of grey with her mum and sister.

She actually told me the next morning she was horny when she got home but her mum and sister came back to ours with her and they ended up having a few drinks so any more thoughts on jumping on me apparently went out the window.

I’m just living the dream! Haha
THIS is why you need to have a discussion with her about how you are feeling - frustrated, unloved, rejected - because the resentment that will build up will be TOXIC, for you and your marriage.

You could always try WRITING her a letter first, not necessarily to read it to her, but to get ALL your anger and thoughts about everything out of your head - it's always been a great way for me to let off steam - and then go back when you've finished, and rewrite what you'd really want to say, that would be conducive to getting your needs met from her.
 

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I’ve made a mistake in the past but I still value myself enough to know what what I’m expecting is reasonable. I’m 40 next month and I could quite easily pass as a 30 year old, I’ve always looked younger than I am. I keep myself fit and I’m a good father.

I feel that I project enough out to have someone appreciate me for just being me, unfortunately it’s looking like the person I want that from doesn’t.

Tonight I’ve kept myself to myself, we’ve finished our series on Netflix anyway now which we’ve watched together for a few weeks. The kids are due to go to bed in 5 mins and my wife has already gone upstairs. She’ll be on her phone in bed.

I’ll wait downstairs and watch some tv on my own and go to bed in an hour or so. Hopefully she’ll be asleep by then.
Alot of women believe that men get MORE attractive as they age, so never worry about that as you are making your decisions on what is best for you to do.
Also, 40 is still SO YOUNG, you have PLENTY of time to figure out what you really want and need, and plenty of time to try a few options with your wife, if she understands the seriousness of your feelings about everything!
 

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Discussion Starter #98
Thanks Lisa. I’ve just came to bed and my wife was fast asleep with my 9 year old son next to her ha!

I’m going to try and get my feelings across just need to think of the least confrontational way!

Which, having been with my wife since I was 18 isn’t an easy thing to do!
 

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Discussion Starter #100
I'm telling you, write it out first - it's really helpful!
And good luck!!
I’ve been thinking of the best way to approach this. I don’t want her to think of me as weak and “beta” type man by saying my needs aren’t getting met etc. Then again I don’t want to come across as alpha male and demand that unless she’s more active sexually towards me I’ll leave etc.

I kind of need something in between! I want to come across as not needy and strong and confident. Ie deserving of what I’m asking my wife to do.
 
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