Talk About Marriage banner

Whoever initiates sex, the other person must be receptive (within reason)

  • Agree

    Votes: 16 69.6%
  • Disagree

    Votes: 7 30.4%

  • Total voters
    23
61 - 80 of 104 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
525 Posts
In the past I’ve heard reasons such as she’s tired with the kids, her job is draining, she’s put weight on and hates her stretch marks, she thinks she should see a doctor.

Like I said I’m a normal heterosexual man, if I’m having regular sex with my wife I’m happy. I know for fact I haven’t changed. Well beforehand I hadn’t anyway.
I agree with what your point is and I understand what you are saying, but you would have done much better for yourself if you made it VERY clear to her that you were going to have sex, and you would let her choose if it would be with HER or someone else...going behind her back is where you went wrong...and I don't mean "wrong" as in Morally Wrong...I mean it as in, WRONG for getting what you wanted out of your marriage/life.

IF you want to stay married, you MUST explain clearly what you need and expect, and what will happen if you don't get that...and then work with your wife from there about what to do, including a marriage counselor if necessary.

THAT is your ONLY chance for success with getting your sexual needs met in your marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #62
I agree with what your point is and I understand what you are saying, but you would have done much better for yourself if you made it VERY clear to her that you were going to have sex, and you would let her choose if it would be with HER or someone else...going behind her back is where you went wrong...and I don't mean "wrong" as in Morally Wrong...I mean it as in, WRONG for getting what you wanted out of your marriage/life.

IF you want to stay married, you MUST explain clearly what you need and expect, and what will happen if you don't get that...and then work with your wife from there about what to do, including a marriage counselor if necessary.

THAT is your ONLY chance for success with getting your sexual needs met in your marriage.
Yes i completely agree. In our conversations before I did what i did, i told her that one day I'm worried that the way i'm feeling someone is going to come along and turn my head. Which is exactly what happened.

And it's not just about sex either, it's just general affection. We go to bed at the same time and just turn over and face the opposite way from each other. That's why I used to bring the situation up. I even started going to bed a later time because I was fed up of feeling like I did.

Last week when we got kids minded for first time in 3 months, I suggested maybe going for a walk, getting a bottle of wine, just something different whilst we had a break. Instead her mum called for 45 mins, then she wanted to watch a series on netflix which we watch every night even when kids are in the house. We then both went to bed at the same time, she turned on her front in bed which basically means don't come near me, I turned over and went to sleep.

Over the last week I given her a kiss a few times and last night i learned over in bed to just hug her and she actually lifted both her arms above her head so that my head was now resting against the outside of her arm. I stayed there for a couple of seconds then retreated back to my side feeling embarrassed.

Bringing it up doesn't work. Marriage counselling I may suggest.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,603 Posts
No my wife didn’t have a low sex drive when we first met. However we’ve been together since 1998. Slowly over time her interest has twindled.

She used to initiate aswell.
I would argue that her desire or interest for sex has not changed. But yet her reasons and meaning of sex has changed.

A psychology book I read talked about the notion of what makes humans different from all other sexual creatures on the planet. The answer is that humans give meaning to sex. What did sex mean to your wife when you met back in 1998 and what does it mean now in 2020? Probably a completely different answer while perhaps for you it has not changed much (as you say).

Regards,
Badsanta
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
525 Posts
Yes i completely agree. In our conversations before I did what i did, i told her that one day I'm worried that the way i'm feeling someone is going to come along and turn my head. Which is exactly what happened.

And it's not just about sex either, it's just general affection. We go to bed at the same time and just turn over and face the opposite way from each other. That's why I used to bring the situation up. I even started going to bed a later time because I was fed up of feeling like I did.

Last week when we got kids minded for first time in 3 months, I suggested maybe going for a walk, getting a bottle of wine, just something different whilst we had a break. Instead her mum called for 45 mins, then she wanted to watch a series on netflix which we watch every night even when kids are in the house. We then both went to bed at the same time, she turned on her front in bed which basically means don't come near me, I turned over and went to sleep.

Over the last week I given her a kiss a few times and last night i learned over in bed to just hug her and she actually lifted both her arms above her head so that my head was now resting against the outside of her arm. I stayed there for a couple of seconds then retreated back to my side feeling embarrassed.

Bringing it up doesn't work. Marriage counselling I may suggest.
Being treated like this would break my heart, and I couldn't tolerate it...what do you love about her...? What does she love about you...??
You are not with someone who is meeting your needs, and it sounds like she only cares about her needs...I'm not sure how you build a happy marriage with a partner like that...NOT that she is wrong for herself, but she is definitely wrong for you, and doesn't seem to notice or care. If this is the Real Her, you need to decide if you can live with someone who acts like she is acting, for the rest of your life...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
203 Posts
Holy crap, I just had a flashback. @PDM31 you have my sympathies. Date nights and alone time defined by or ending with being ignored and snores suck a lot.

It sounds like you are on the road towards "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #66 (Edited)
Being treated like this would break my heart, and I couldn't tolerate it...what do you love about her...? What does she love about you...??
You are not with someone who is meeting your needs, and it sounds like she only cares about her needs...I'm not sure how you build a happy marriage with a partner like that...NOT that she is wrong for herself, but she is definitely wrong for you, and doesn't seem to notice or care. If this is the Real Her, you need to decide if you can live with someone who acts like she is acting, for the rest of your life...
Good question honestly I just wish things were the way they used to be. I’ve been grilled on here and rightly so after what I did, but all I wanted was a fulfilling sex life with me wife. There was no way I could put my kids through a divorce because I needed more sex. It felt selfish.

What happened after that was even worse but the reason why we’re back together from my point of view is because even though she is highly strung and difficult to live I believe that’s more from her job and her parents issues when she was younger. I think she’s someone who wants looking after but has abarrier up.

I’ve told her this so it’s not a surprise that even after 20 years I still don’t know whether to hug her, kiss her or keep my distance. Over the last 5 years she’s a very highly strung women and I don’t know whether to do right or wrong.

What you said is correct though my needs aren’t getting met but I’ll never forget the day we told our kids we were living apart, it broke my heart even though I ultimately caused it. I’d rather die then put them through that again.

Shes talking about booking holidays and stuff in August as if everything is fine. It’s just like me, myself and Irene. She asked me to go for a walk with her earlier which I did but then come bed time she’ll just ignore me.

it’s coming up to day 18 now without sex but more importantly any affection from her. She’s due her period anytime now so it’s going to be once a month. It’s not that bad considering some people’s post on here but nowhere near what I need.

my friend just text me and said he’s booked a hotel next week with his wife who’s my wife’s best friend so I booked one then told my wife, her response was I don’t think I can get my hair done before that then she said I wish yous booked it for week after. I rest my case.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,187 Posts
I read this with sadness. I never denied my husband of sex, unless I had a migraine headache and that hardly ever happened. We even had sex during my period because he wanted to and yes it can be great during that time. Sometimes if he had drank to much and this even happened on our Anniversary and I would of course be understanding, but disappointed and wait till the next night.

I'm saying all this because even on our 25th. wedding anniversary on a beautiful island, he had drank to much and fell asleep during sex. I was so upset that night. I loved him as much 25 yrs. of marriage as when I married him. Point of all of this and always giving in to never denying him sex, only find out after 26 yrs. of marriage he had been having a 3 or 4 yr. affair with some tramp at work. I can't tell you the pain I had when I found out that he had done that to me when he was 39 yrs. old. So, sometimes always giving into sex or making love as I called it, doesn't mean it's going to keep your marriage together.

I regret so much and if I had known the whole truth when I found out, I should have divorced him, but I didn't. He lied and said, "It was only for a couple lunches." I was in so much pain I couldn't even function, but I didn't and I had always say that I would divorce him in a minute if he ever did that to me. But I had total faith in him, but I was so wrong. We are still together for 30 more years and I'm 76. My health is not good either, but I so regret not divorcing him now. There is nothing left, no love, at least for me and it's just 2 people living in the same house. So, I'm living proof that having sex whenever your spouse wants it, doesn't mean that it's going to save a marriage. If you both love each other and have to say no once in a while it shouldn't tear up a marriage.
Granny7
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,784 Posts
I read this with sadness. I never denied my husband of sex, unless I had a migraine headache and that hardly ever happened. We even had sex during my period because he wanted to and yes it can be great during that time. Sometimes if he had drank to much and this even happened on our Anniversary and I would of course be understanding, but disappointed and wait till the next night.

I'm saying all this because even on our 25th. wedding anniversary on a beautiful island, he had drank to much and fell asleep during sex. I was so upset that night. I loved him as much 25 yrs. of marriage as when I married him. Point of all of this and always giving in to never denying him sex, only find out after 26 yrs. of marriage he had been having a 3 or 4 yr. affair with some tramp at work. I can't tell you the pain I had when I found out that he had done that to me when he was 39 yrs. old. So, sometimes always giving into sex or making love as I called it, doesn't mean it's going to keep your marriage together.

I regret so much and if I had known the whole truth when I found out, I should have divorced him, but I didn't. He lied and said, "It was only for a couple lunches." I was in so much pain I couldn't even function, but I didn't and I had always say that I would divorce him in a minute if he ever did that to me. But I had total faith in him, but I was so wrong. We are still together for 30 more years and I'm 76. My health is not good either, but I so regret not divorcing him now. There is nothing left, no love, at least for me and it's just 2 people living in the same house. So, I'm living proof that having sex whenever your spouse wants it, doesn't mean that it's going to save a marriage. If you both love each other and have to say no once in a while it shouldn't tear up a marriage.
Granny7
I think it’s the fear of being alone that keeps us in crappy relationships. Or the lie that we tell our selfs that he didn’t mean it, or things will get better. It’s a tough situation all around.
I really appreciate you sharing your story and insight.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
The main issue for me is that we only have sex when I initiate it and my wife happens to be in the mood (which is 95% of the time only after a few drinks).

We can go from doing it once of a night followed by the next morning to a 16 day break which were on now.

My wife’s on a health kick so we haven’t had a few drinks together which is then why I usually initiate. I got fed up of being rejected whilst we were sober.

It doesn’t help that we’ve got 9 and 11 year old more or less still awake when we go to bed but there’s mornings etc when they’re still asleep. Plus they stayed in my parents house last week for the first time in 3 months and my wife again kept her distance.

My wife doesn’t show any interest. We literally get in bed of a night, she turns one way and I turn another. I’ve brought it up before and she’s replied with it’s always about you isn’t it to saying things like maybe she needs to go the doctors. Go figure.

I find that the problem for me is that the longer the days go on without sex/affection the weirder it is to try and start. It’s only ever me that asks/gives her a kiss outside the bedroom

I knew as soon as she told me about her health kick what was going to happen as the alcohol was off the table.

I don’t want to bring the subject up again, I’m just going to work on becoming a better person myself - lose weight, interact with kids more and work hard. I can only change myself.
Ouch. I hear you man. Sounds like a DA like mine was.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #70 (Edited)
We had a good chat this weekend, she told me she wasn't happy with something I'd said to her in front of her mum a few weeks ago so she withdrew from me. Basically we ended up having an argument a few weeks ago because I asked my son to get my phone charger and he said No. Then i told him what I thought of him, and my wife disagreed with me in front of him.

During our chat I told her that i felt my needs weren't getting met but to be honest it was at like 1am after we'd got back from a friends 40th party.

We've had a good weekend, together. Been for walks etc, and then yesterday we were quite affectionate. And she was even reciprocating. It's the time of the month for her at the moment and I thought it had finished until we we're going to bed last night until I heard the sound of the sanitary towel being opened in the bathroom. She got in bed and leaned over and put her head on my chest to cuddle.

I said to her when it's your time of the month, it's not mine you know. She replied, yes I'm fully aware of that but I have to be drunk to do that (meaning to give me a BJ). I said you've got two hands also to which she replied so have you.

And that was the end of that.

I should have replied it's good for you that I don't feel the same about me giving oral sex to you.

Every time we have sex i always give my wife oral sex if she hasn't already came. Different rules though for her by the looks of things.

At least we took a step in the right direction regarding being affectionate.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
525 Posts
We had a good chat this weekend, she told me she wasn't happy with something I'd said to her in front of her mum a few weeks ago so she withdrew from me. Basically we ended up having an argument a few weeks ago because I asked my son to get my phone charger and he said No. Then i told him what I thought of him, and my wife disagreed with me in front of him.

During our chat I told her that i felt my needs weren't getting met but to be honest it was at like 1am after we'd got back from a friends 40th party.

We've had a good weekend, together. Been for walks etc, and then yesterday we were quite affectionate. And she was even reciprocating. It's the time of the month for her at the moment and I thought it had finished until we we're going to bed last night until I heard the sound of the sanitary towel being opened in the bathroom. She got in bed and leaned over and put her head on my chest to cuddle.

I said to her when it's your time of the month, it's not mine you know. She replied, yes I'm fully aware of that but I have to be drunk to do that (meaning to give me a BJ). I said you've got two hands also to which she replied so have you.

And that was the end of that.

I should have replied it's good for you that I don't feel the same about me giving oral sex to you.

Every time we have sex i always give my wife oral sex if she hasn't already came. Different rules though for her by the looks of things.

At least we took a step in the right direction regarding being affectionate.
I'm glad you see this in a positive way, but if it were me, all I would see is that she got exactly what she wanted AGAIN -- YOU met her changing needs as they came up (talking, closeness, affection, NO SEX)...and SHE didn't have any sense of empathy or care to meet YOUR needs, which are always the same...even after you told her you were frustrated that your needs weren't being met.

To me, NOTHING has changed at all...and that's sad because, as your spouse, you are supposed to be able to TRUST her that when you tell her something isn't working for you, or that something is hurting you, SHE WILL TRY TO HELP YOU CHANGE IT - that's the idea behind marriage. But you cannot trust her to care about you or your needs. And you aren't "allowed" to have those needs met anywhere else.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #72
I'm glad you see this in a positive way, but if it were me, all I would see is that she got exactly what she wanted AGAIN -- YOU met her changing needs as they came up (talking, closeness, affection, NO SEX)...and SHE didn't have any sense of empathy or care to meet YOUR needs, which are always the same...even after you told her you were frustrated that your needs weren't being met.

To me, NOTHING has changed at all...and that's sad because, as your spouse, you are supposed to be able to TRUST her that when you tell her something isn't working for you, or that something is hurting you, SHE WILL TRY TO HELP YOU CHANGE IT - that's the idea behind marriage. But you cannot trust her to care about you or your needs. And you aren't "allowed" to have those needs met anywhere else.
Yes you are absolutely right (again!).

For as long as I can remember now everything has always been on her terms. We have sex when I initiate and she’s in the mood.

As you said my needs don’t matter. And as part of a marriage that’s not how things should be.

I’m not expecting things to change overnight but now you’ve given me this new view of the relationship dynamics I’ll work on changing it. I suppose at some point it’s going to be an ultimatum if things continue the same.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #73 (Edited)
Question. If I bring it up again about my needs not getting met and my wife turns around and says well my needs aren’t getting met you aren’t earning enough money how do you think I should respond?

I do need to earn more money and lockdown has unfortunately hampered my company. Hopefully it’s only short term though.

The reason I ask is because that’s the only need I believe I’m not meeting for our family. She might say otherwise but she didn’t the other night.

Personally if she did say something about money not meeting her needs I’d feel like that shouldn’t really make her make more of an effort to look after my needs but I know money would make her feel more secure.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,895 Posts
Personally if she did say something about money not meeting her needs I’d feel like that shouldn’t really make her make more of an effort to look after my needs but I know money would make her feel more secure.
If she's concerned about money, tell her to get a job. You're doing the best you can under the circumstances, so perhaps she needs to make some more, or more money.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Livvie

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,603 Posts
I said to her when it's your time of the month, it's not mine you know. She replied, yes I'm fully aware of that but I have to be drunk to do that (meaning to give me a BJ). I said you've got two hands also to which she replied so have you.

And that was the end of that.
OMG you wife asked you to get her drink because she wanted to get drunk and give you a BJ, and you insisted that she would need to fix her own drink with her own two hands. Wow! I guess that was the end of that!

I am messing with you, but it totally reads that way if you have a drink first!

Cheers,
Badsanta
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #76
OMG you wife asked you to get her drink because she wanted to get drunk and give you a BJ, and you insisted that she would need to fix her own drink with her own two hands. Wow! I guess that was the end of that!

I am messing with you, but it totally reads that way if you have a drink first!

Cheers,
Badsanta
[/QUOTE

haha. Good one. We were in bed at the time!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #77
If she's concerned about money, tell her to get a job. You're doing the best you can under the circumstances, so perhaps she needs to make some more, or more money.
She has a very good job and has kept things going during lockdown thankfully enough. I’m just wondering if she’ll use that against me if i mention when we’re both sober that my needs aren’t getting met and what my reaction should be to that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
525 Posts
She has a very good job and has kept things going during lockdown thankfully enough. I’m just wondering if she’ll use that against me if i mention when we’re both sober that my needs aren’t getting met and what my reaction should be to that.
This is a valid question, because this IS a tactic that partners who feel attacked will use!
If she brings that up, it's important that you NOT switch into "defensive mode", because that will take the focus off what you are discussing, which is YOUR needs...you could simply say, "If you have any complaints, you are welcome to bring them up after we are finished talking about my needs", and then bring it back to what YOU were saying with, "Now what is your response to what I just asked you?"...or something like that.

How do you think that would go with her...?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
223 Posts
Discussion Starter #79
This is a valid question, because this IS a tactic that partners who feel attacked will use!
If she brings that up, it's important that you NOT switch into "defensive mode", because that will take the focus off what you are discussing, which is YOUR needs...you could simply say, "If you have any complaints, you are welcome to bring them up after we are finished talking about my needs", and then bring it back to what YOU were saying with, "Now what is your response to what I just asked you?"...or something like that.

How do you think that would go with her...?
If the conversation is done sober, I think she will get defensive, angry and mention the "affair" or the money situation. However this was going on well before I did what I did (it actually was the reason why I did what i did, and even when I was earning the same money as her so that would be just an excuse).

Plus it doesn't really make any sense to me to have a good night together, going for walks, talking and showing affection and getting in bed and in the back of her mind she knows that I'm in the mood but she's thinking I'm not giving into his needs because he's not earning enough etc. So i would probably say that back to her.

She sometimes says I've never done things like that, for example I would love to have some fun in our big shower and i get rebuffed every time I ask. I even plucked up the courage not so long ago to get in whilst she was in there and she made me quickly wash myself and threw me out. She wasn't pleased.

In the past she has said things like it's always about how you feel isn't it etc to which I've replied well this particular issue is how I'm feeling so would you rather I just suffer in silence? It generally didn't get me anywhere however and basically made her more withdrawn than ever.

She's no longer on her period but yet again we went to bed last night and she turned over and went to sleep. To be honest now you've pointed out this problem and i'm really thankful you've given me this perspective but I'm starting to feel annoyed by her actions. I'm thinking about maybe not going to bed with her at the same time anymore and not initiating even when we've had a drink. Not to be passive aggressive or anything but just because I've had enough of the vicious cycle. I feel horrible when she just turns over and goes to sleep and after giving it a lot of thought she never just does something because it will make me happy.

Maybe just get myself in the best shape I can, earn more money, become the best person I can for myself and if nothing improves with her then at least I'll be able to issue an ultimatum knowing I can move out and get my own place without having to embarrassingly stay at my parents again.

Even the comment about being drunk to perform oral sex, I find infuriating now. Every single time we have sex i do that for her, including times when i've been down there for 20 mins and nearly passing out under the duvet with the heat. I do this because I know it pleases her and that makes me happy. That's never reciprocated my way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,576 Posts
I think it's incredibly sad that you are falling for it--- that you need to earn more money in order for her to have sex with you. It's not like you are some deadbeat person who doesn't contribute to the marriage financially because you are lazy and have no initiative.

Some men would be so totally turned off by this woman's mentality, they'd be disgusted with the kind of person she is. I think the core question is: why aren't YOU?
 
61 - 80 of 104 Posts
Top