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Whoever initiates sex, the other person must be receptive (within reason)

  • Agree

    Votes: 16 69.6%
  • Disagree

    Votes: 7 30.4%

  • Total voters
    23
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Discussion Starter #41
Ouch. This would certainly explain why she is refusing sex.

@PDM31 If the above is true, which I assume that it is and you posted in another thread, then you do not get to use my words in conversation with your wife. You already broke your vows, even in PLANNING an affair, even if it didn't happen, and that means the RULES CHANGE. You need to fix all of this first, regain her trust, before she will willingly take you to bed again.

I'm more than a bit pissed that you didn't give all the info up front, it makes me feel manipulated and lied to.
The problem was there before I did what I did hence why it happened. I have held numerous discussions with her before the “affair” but that didn’t resolve anything.

Of course I shouldn’t haven’t done what I did but and I’ll always regret it but I also what it feels like spending hours each day worrying why your wife isn’t as receptive as she was used to be. And the thought of leaving your kids with single parents wasn’t something I was prepared to do.

We are back together now and things were really good for the first few months but slowly but surely they’re going back to like they were a couple of years ago.

It doesn’t mean the initial question is invalid. And your reply in my opinion is spot on. I was left with two choices, cheat or separate at the time and I chose the wrong one. It was selfish what I did, but it was also unselfish because I don’t and still don’t want to divorce my wife over this and have to not see the kids every day.

i want to work on it. If this issue was happening for the first time after what I did I’d say that was the reason why. It’s not, it’s been a long standing issue.
 

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Discussion Starter #42
Well actually this is why I voted no to begin with. Most marriages have more than one issue. So saying we have to have sex just because the other feels like it ignores all the reasons why some don't want to have sex. It also was presented as generic question and then switched to a personal situation.

Everything is never just one issue in my opinion. I don't see too many posters that truly have one issue.
Ok so if I bring the question up about improving affection/intimacy and she replies, the kids are always awake till late, I’ve been busy in work, I’ve just been tired etc. You’re suggesting I take that at face value or tell her they’re just excuses.

Or maybe just try this It’s time to be honest with yourself and me, why is our sex life dependant on me initiating after a drink, and you responding when in the mood?

Knowing my wife I’ll probably get a load of responses about that I did, which I’d accept like I said if it’s only been since that.
 

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PDM31. Listen you purposefully went out of your way to try an have sex with a woman not your wife because she was beautiful, I mean a 10. You lied to the woman and betrayed your wife. You also have helmed a business that failed. Your wive won't have sex with you unless she is relaxed by alcohol. These are all issues and symptoms of a marriage that needs help. After your affair, all you did was rug sweep. I'm back now and it's ok. I guarantee it isn't ok.

Your marriage needs help. I'm sure the issues aren't one sided. Have you two tried counseling? Have you two tried any of the marriage building books? Have you done anything to ameliorate for your affair like read and follow surviving an affair? Divorce Busters? 5 love languages?

If you wife were here what would she say the issues are? Other than sex what are your issues?

Edited to add: ; and do you really think all your marriage needs is for your wife to accept every advance you have?
 

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Your wive won't have sex with you unless she is relaxed by alcohol. These are all issues and symptoms of a marriage that needs help. After your affair, all you did was rug sweep. I'm back now and it's ok. I guarantee it isn't ok.
I wonder of the poll should be changed?

When a cheater initiates sex, the faithful spouse must be receptive (within reason)
I think that would change a few responses and get some more valuable feedback. Because the question here really seems to be more about what it takes to restore trust and closeness. Would establishing the all-you-can-eat proverbial sexual buffet in that type of marriage help rebuild things? Perhaps it actually might help. But I think people need to look at it from that angle before offering advice.
 

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Ok so if I bring the question up about improving affection/intimacy and she replies, the kids are always awake till late, I’ve been busy in work, I’ve just been tired etc. You’re suggesting I take that at face value or tell her they’re just excuses.

Or maybe just try this It’s time to be honest with yourself and me, why is our sex life dependant on me initiating after a drink, and you responding when in the mood?

Knowing my wife I’ll probably get a load of responses about that I did, which I’d accept like I said if it’s only been since that.
I guess I just don't understand willingly returning to a spouse who wouldn't meet my needs...if what they other posters have said is true, and you had left because you weren't getting your sexual needs met with her, so you almost cheated, WHY did you go back...??
 

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He never left. He had an affair with a woman got caught. Rug swept. He did cheat. He texted for a while and then met the woman in a hotel room. His wife caught them naked.
 

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Discussion Starter #48
I guess I just don't understand willingly returning to a spouse who wouldn't meet my needs...if what they other posters have said is true, and you had left because you weren't getting your sexual needs met with her, so you almost cheated, WHY did you go back...??
To be honest I think the only reason my Wife was willing to try again was because she knows full well she's made zero effort in affection and intimacy department for years. I was under the impression therefore things would improve, and they did. Until the last couple of months.
 

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PDM31. Listen you purposefully went out of your way to try an have sex with a woman not your wife because she was beautiful, I mean a 10. You lied to the woman and betrayed your wife. You also have helmed a business that failed. Your wive won't have sex with you unless she is relaxed by alcohol. These are all issues and symptoms of a marriage that needs help. After your affair, all you did was rug sweep. I'm back now and it's ok. I guarantee it isn't ok.

Your marriage needs help. I'm sure the issues aren't one sided. Have you two tried counseling? Have you two tried any of the marriage building books? Have you done anything to ameliorate for your affair like read and follow surviving an affair? Divorce Busters? 5 love languages?

If you wife were here what would she say the issues are? Other than sex what are your issues?

Edited to add: ; and do you really think all your marriage needs is for your wife to accept every advance you have?
THIS, ALL OF THIS^^^^^^

@PDM31 The solution to your marital problems isn't getting your wife to have sex with you more often. You and she need to go see a therapist and fix the problems that existed BEFORE you decided to step outside of your marriage. And then you have to fix all the damage you did by betraying her and earn back her trust. Only after you have accomplished these two things can you even think about bringing up increasing the frequency of sex.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk
 

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Discussion Starter #50
I wonder of the poll should be changed?



I think that would change a few responses and get some more valuable feedback. Because the question here really seems to be more about what it takes to restore trust and closeness. Would establishing the all-you-can-eat proverbial sexual buffet in that type of marriage help rebuild things? Perhaps it actually might help. But I think people need to look at it from that angle before offering advice.
The poll doesn't need changing at all. It's a very valid question regardless of the circumstances. At the end of the day if you make zero effort with your husband and I'm not just talking sex here, i'm talking about affection, asking me how my day went - anything. Then there's a chance someone else will come along and that's what happened. Simple as that. It was 17 months ago now.
 

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Discussion Starter #51
THIS, ALL OF THIS^^^^^^

@PDM31 The solution to your marital problems isn't getting your wife to have sex with you more often. You and she need to go see a therapist and fix the problems that existed BEFORE you decided to step outside of your marriage. And then you have to fix all the damage you did by betraying her and earn back her trust. Only after you have accomplished these two things can you even think about bringing up increasing the frequency of sex.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk
There was no problems on my side before it happened. Other than lack of affection. What a lot of people on these forums seem to forget is that your wife/husband isn't your room mate. She's you're partner and that comes with affection and sex, if she's got an issue with intimacy or affection she should seek the answers why and spit the truth out. I'm not the one who changed - pre affair.
 

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To be honest I think the only reason my Wife was willing to try again was because she knows full well she's made zero effort in affection and intimacy department for years. I was under the impression therefore things would improve, and they did. Until the last couple of months.
Yes I think the term there is hysterical bonding. THe betrayed spouse will increase frequency in an attempt to bond with the wayward. It usually doesn't last and eventually the resentment and hurt set in.

You didn't answer any of the questions about did you two actually work on your marriage after you blew it up?
 

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There was no problems on my side before it happened. Other than lack of affection. What a lot of people on these forums seem to forget is that your wife/husband isn't your room mate. She's you're partner and that comes with affection and sex, if she's got an issue with intimacy or affection she should seek the answers why and spit the truth out. I'm not the one who changed - pre affair.
That's what you think. SMH.

If the sex stops, it's never about the sex. It's a symptom of another problem. If her needs were being met in the marriage, you would be getting sex. So there's a problem somewhere, you just can't see it, you're in denial, or you think that your needs are the only thing that matters in the marriage.

If she stopped having sex with you, there's a REASON.

ETA: Men frequently say, "I'm not the one who changed, she did!" And most of the time, that's a load of horse crap.
 

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Yes I think the term there is hysterical bonding. THe betrayed spouse will increase frequency in an attempt to bond with the wayward. It usually doesn't last and eventually the resentment and hurt set in.

You didn't answer any of the questions about did you two actually work on your marriage after you blew it up?
Hysterical bonding generally doesn't usually require alcohol.
 

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To be honest I think the only reason my Wife was willing to try again was because she knows full well she's made zero effort in affection and intimacy department for years. I was under the impression therefore things would improve, and they did. Until the last couple of months.
Yeah, this almost NEVER works...
 

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That's what you think. SMH.

If the sex stops, it's never about the sex. It's a symptom of another problem. If her needs were being met in the marriage, you would be getting sex. So there's a problem somewhere, you just can't see it, you're in denial, or you think that your needs are the only thing that matters in the marriage.

If she stopped having sex with you, there's a REASON.

ETA: Men frequently say, "I'm not the one who changed, she did!" And most of the time, that's a load of horse crap.
The sad thing is, it's not only men who go through this, AND I think his wife admitted to being LD when they were dating, but he married her anyway...I THINK...is that correct @PDM31...?

Sometimes people just stop having sex because they become secure in the relationship and don't feel the need or desire for sex as much (or anymore)...those people will rarely change into sexually interested partners...sadly for their marriages.
 

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Discussion Starter #58
The sad thing is, it's not only men who go through this, AND I think his wife admitted to being LD when they were dating, but he married her anyway...I THINK...is that correct @PDM31...?

Sometimes people just stop having sex because they become secure in the relationship and don't feel the need or desire for sex as much (or anymore)...those people will rarely change into sexually interested partners...sadly for their marriages.
No my wife didn’t have a low sex drive when we first met. However we’ve been together since 1998. Slowly over time her interest has twindled.

She used to initiate aswell.
 

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Discussion Starter #59
That's what you think. SMH.

If the sex stops, it's never about the sex. It's a symptom of another problem. If her needs were being met in the marriage, you would be getting sex. So there's a problem somewhere, you just can't see it, you're in denial, or you think that your needs are the only thing that matters in the marriage.

If she stopped having sex with you, there's a REASON.

ETA: Men frequently say, "I'm not the one who changed, she did!" And most of the time, that's a load of horse crap.
In the past I’ve heard reasons such as she’s tired with the kids, her job is draining, she’s put weight on and hates her stretch marks, she thinks she should see a doctor.

Like I said I’m a normal heterosexual man, if I’m having regular sex with my wife I’m happy. I know for fact I haven’t changed. Well beforehand I hadn’t anyway.
 
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