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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I already know after over five years of being married that I need my woman
to initiate at least part of the time for me to be happy..and Ive told her this but it hasn't
changed a bit...
Otherwise we get along great..we argue about the usual stuff around the house but mostly
we're good..nice and wonderful to each other..
I take the initiative to take her out to a restaurant she loves, we have a good night out..
we come home, she goes to our room and comes back wearing the ugliest grandma like
pajamas, she knows I hate them, yet she wears them all the time...shes got sexy night dresses
but she doesnt wear them...
She isnt mad or anything, all smiley..but not flirty, Ive asked her since year one of our
marriage if she could make an effort to initiate..not just sex but intimacy as a whole..like
touching, grabbing...kissing...but yet we go weeks without it if I dont do it first...and she
wont often respond back either...
Yet she loves it when I cuddle her...usually with her falling asleep in a few minutes.

When we have sex, she enjoys it...but again she doesnt initiate anything..if I want something
done I always must ask..

Again we have talked about this before...she listens...disagrees, then I get frustrated...angered..
and then she says she will work on it....its been five years...

and now she wants kids, and gets upset when I say I dont think our marriage can handle
them yet...so any flirting and touching she did do she stops completely for weeks until
I start saying how I would love kids...(in the moment sometimes I do...but not in the whole
picture)

I want this mess to be over..

Maybe I stop initiating completely, 100% till she starts to...
what do u people think?

If things dont change...should I call this marriage over? I dont wanna live like a puppy
my whole life.. adding kids to this would only complicate things.

I have talked to a therapist online...but wanna hear what u people think about my situation.
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Not initiating will just result in no sex, but no she has zero pressure either, so you're just giving her what she wants.

Try counselling.
 

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Ive asked her since year one of our marriage if she could make an effort to initiate..not just sex but intimacy as a whole..like touching, grabbing...kissing...but yet we go weeks without it if I dont do it first...and she
wont often respond back either...
There are two possibilities. First, she just isn't going to do it. I don't know if she's unwilling, or unable. But it's not going to happen. So you need to get over it. If your happiness depended on your wife being able to dunk a basketball, then I would suggest you find another way to be happy.

Second, you're just not attracting her. If you spend a great deal of time asking her to initiate and then being angry and resentful when she doesn't, then I'm not surprised that she isn't interested in initiating. Try to run the MAP.

Maybe I stop initiating completely, 100% till she starts to... what do u people think?
For a few weeks, it will be the best vacation she's ever had. Eventually, she will notice because you will be storming around the house like a crazy person. Of course, she'll know why you're angry. So, eventually, she'll make a big production of rolling her eyes, lying on her back, and telling you to get it over with so that things can get back to normal. Does that sound like a good plan?

If things dont change...should I call this marriage over? I dont wanna live like a puppy my whole life.. adding kids to this would only complicate things.
I certainly think you're correct to postpone having kids. Just tell your wife that you're unhappy in the marriage and kids will only make things worse. As for her initiating, I can say that your wife sounds pretty typical. She's submissive and you're submissive. And two submissive people really don't function well trying to out-submit to each other. Either be in charge, or find another woman who will be happy to take charge.

Good luck.
 

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For the love of God do not have kids with this woman until you figure out if this can be fixed!

The both of you need counseling to figure out if you're too different tof remain together or if the two of you want to fix this
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Its gotten to the point where its not just about initiating...I resent her in almost every way..
Not sure that it all has to do with initiating..
I knew we werent compatible since our honeymoon...but for the first few years was so
determined on fixing our shortcomings...I no longer feel there is a solution with us together..
she doesnt seemed bothered at all though..she thinks its all good despite me telling her
exactly how I feel.
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
so is everybody here happy even if they have to do 99% of the work to get any romance goin?

I have no problem initiating, I like the thrill of the chase..but just find it odd that my wife says she
loves me...acts like its all perfect, yet doesnt care to even touch me intimately once a week without
me asking for it..I dont ask for it anymore, I just do...but it gets boring that way awfully fast.
I think women need to show some affection without us running after them..but thats just me
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thats why you tease 'em

Two steps forward, one step back, and repeat with less aggressive women
Yeah I know..been there done that..
Not even sure why I posted this on here (again)..frustration I guess..
And I DONT want kids now...for our whole marriage Ive been postponing it..and just freaks me out
having kids in this marriage that seems so one sided.
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I know it doesn't sound romantic but schedule which nights you're going to have sex and try not to be turned off by it not being spontaneous. Remember your testosterone is about 50 times the amount of hers so she may not have interest without you initiating. Now if she won't let you even try to get her in the mood then yes you have problems.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I know it doesn't sound romantic but schedule which nights you're going to have sex and try not to be turned off by it not being spontaneous. Remember your testosterone is about 50 times the amount of hers so she may not have interest without you initiating. Now if she won't let you even try to get her in the mood then yes you have problems.
Are you seriously telling me that men crave sex 50 times as much
as women?! Cmon..
Theres enough masturbating women to prove that theory wrong.
Also in women its the Estrogen that creates sex drives, not the testosterone...higher Estrogen
means higher sex drives in women.
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Are you seriously telling me that men crave sex 50 times as much
as women?! Cmon..
Theres enough masturbating women to prove that theory wrong.
Also in women its the Estrogen that creates sex drives, not the testosterone...higher Estrogen
means higher sex drives in women.
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Nope, I'm merely stating that the average testosterone level in men is about that 50 times more than the average testosterone level in women. What I didn't mention is that the only proven drug in the world to increase a woman's libido is testosterone. But no it's not a direct correlation where you want it 50 times more because our chemistry is very complicated.
 

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Are you seriously telling me that men crave sex 50 times as much
as women?! Cmon..
Theres enough masturbating women to prove that theory wrong.
Also in women its the Estrogen that creates sex drives, not the testosterone...higher Estrogen
means higher sex drives in women.
This depends on the woman. Many women are high drive. And there are men how are low drive.

You issues are not about all wmen and all men. It's about your you and your wife. She seems to have a problem with even being affectionate.

One concern I'd have were I you is if she will withhold normal affection from a child. How is she with others? Have you ever watched her around children?
 

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Now you guys have no excuses to not have sex and she still won't give in.

You put kids into that mix and you might as well become celibate.

Unless you can change her behavior drastically through counseling, a future with this woman would mean a lifetime of resentment.
 

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My wife is very similar in many ways and the normal intimacy part (not sex) was always one of her traits, meaning that she wasn't one for hugs, kisses, holding hands, etc. It's just her personality and it drove me nuts when we were dating because I couldn't read her well enough.

It still annoys me but its just her and not anything resulting from my conduct.

She used to initiate sex back in the Stone Age, but I've gotten over that and just do all the dirty work.

Don't get me wrong; we've got a great marriage and have for over 15 years, two wonderful children and a 'happy home,' if I may use that cliche. She has even come back a little sexually after years of frustrating LD.

Everyone has their own personality in life. Some are more animated than others. But make sure before you go any further that the two of you want to have a family and spend the rest of your lives together.
 

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So it sounds like there are some deeper things here than just her inability or resistance to initiating. When i hear, i resent her in several ways . . . that needs to be explored.

But on the initiating thing; i've read several threads on this being an issue for men in relationships. So i wonder, 1) did you have sex with your partner before marriage and 2) did she initiate sex during this time. We often read about how "my wife totally changed after marriage and her drive is nonexistent." But i wonder if we don't realize how are expectations about sex also change when we sign on the dotted line. Specifically, women who are very chaste and prefer to remain a virgin until after marriage may have views on how women should approach sex. These really need to be explored, because to assume that once she is your wife she is going to all of a sudden let loose is probably not a very good assumption. If she never initiated or was shy about initiating before marriage, same thing applies. The views that women have on their sexuality and how much they are able to grant themselves permission to be sexual is no small thing.
 

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and now she wants kids, and gets upset when I say I dont think our marriage can handle
them yet...so any flirting and touching she did do she stops completely for weeks until
I start saying how I would love kids...(in the moment sometimes I do...but not in the whole
picture)Posted via Mobile Device
This is actually a big issue for you. For whatever reason, she feels you are not entitled to raise your issues. This could range from it is because they are not important to her not wanting to acknowledge that she is not meeting your needs, but the fact is that this is a big problem that you two need to address.

Also, do not have kids at this point. They will not magically make things better, but will much more likely make things worse.
 

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and now she wants kids, and gets upset when I say I dont think our marriage can handle
them yet...so any flirting and touching she did do she stops completely for weeks until
I start saying how I would love kids...(in the moment sometimes I do...but not in the whole
picture)
I don't like the sounds of this. I'm picturing once she manages to get pregnant by you you're going to take a back seat.
 
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