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Along with the xxx toys in the nightstand! OMG, people, don't leave those things for your offspring or grandkids to find when you croak!

I've been through it. When my best friend was having to do her dad's house when he passed, I told her to tell her half-brother to go clean out the bedroom, that she did NOT want to see that.
I actually think it will be funny when they find out we weren't as clueless as they think we are.
 

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Aw, I don鈥檛 know, it鈥檚 nice to think they had a vibrant sex life though. Of course I have a different perspective because it wouldn鈥檛 be MY parents. So I guess that ick factor is pretty high. Still, so sweet and kinda romantic to find Grandma鈥檚 fur-lined handcuffs鈥︷煒傪煒
Not when they've been single or widowed for 20 years!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #86 ·
Some guys who are real good looking will rest on their laurels because they can with some women. But others who are real good looking want to have a good reputation and actually try. I think it depends on the grapevine and whether they are plugged into it and thinking about that women will put the word out.
Actually there was one girl from his early 20s whose opinion he was honest about. She had a huge crush on him, used him for sex and then told people he wasn't all that. Probably can connect that to the avoidance too. God i really SHOULD be talking to a therapist. All of you posters here are just the best, I've gotten so many responses and no trolls.
 

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My husband used to show me videos and ask me if I thought they were faking it. I always said yes after genuinely looking to see, and one day i just laughed and said wait, do you really think ANY of this is real? He does understand there are actresses, but is convinced people go into porn and stay because they're having fun.
Aw, geez. He is living in a fairytale world of smut.
 

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My husband used to show me videos and ask me if I thought they were faking it. I always said yes after genuinely looking to see, and one day i just laughed and said wait, do you really think ANY of this is real? He does understand there are actresses, but is convinced people go into porn and stay because they're having fun.
You need to let him know that a lot of people in porn films, amateur or not, are actually slaves that have been sex-trafficked and forced to do it. I don't see how once people know that, they can live with themselves supporting it.
 

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Aw, geez. He is living in a fairytale world of smut.
Well, in fairness, the strippers really are into those guys, right? It鈥檚 not about the money, that鈥檚 just to cover so their manager won鈥檛 get mad. 馃槀

Honestly, I would figure out ASAP if this guy really cares if you鈥檙e satisfied, OP. I am skeptical this will get better as you age or if you have children.
 

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I need advice on how to stop hitting dead ends, I'll try to be brief on the backstory. My husband and i have been together for 5 years, married for 2 years. (F26, M34)The first 6 months we had amazing sex, but early on, even though I was enjoying it, i could tell it was completely for him. So i mentioned it casually that i had noticed, and no biggie but i would really like some foreplay first and a little attention throughout. He said ok and then more time had passed and nothing was happening so i started to suggest things in more detail. Still, after asking directly, he seemed to be doing less not more... He's very sensitive in his ego and becomes avoidant.

Always he would come and i would sometimes choose to finish myself but often times it just doesn't work that way. He always TELLS me to come like i can just rub one out whenever. It is a huge turn off for me to feel like my husband doesn't want to put in effort to make me feel good so i just don't even want it at that point. Periodically i just can't take it anymore and we have "a talk" about it. At this point he is technically trying but for some reason doesn't understand that he isnt doing any of my requests, he's doing what porn has taught him a woman likes. I told him what I like, but he just doesn't get it. It's like he hears what I'm saying and immediately erases it from his memory in favor of pornography scenes. i tried to get him to study women's anatomy and i sent him all kinds of articles. He read them but shows me what he's been studying... It's just more porn!!! The title might suggest it was for the woman but it is most certainly JUST porn.

We've had huge fights about his inability to understand a genuine woman from fantasy. He keeps diving for my clit and i keep begging for him to do a thigh massage at least, which he technically does, but God he just does not get it. I stopped sex altogether because it was genuinely BAD for me and it almost killed our relationship.

We try to compromise but i get the **** end of the stick. The deal is that he continues "trying" if i stop "withholding" sex. The situation now is that he gets huge doses of oxytocin and i get huge doses of cortisol every time we have sex. I don't know what to do now, I've been honest and open, I've described in detail how my body and psyche work, I've sacrificed my enjoyment for a promise that never comes. I'm stressed, depressed, and have heartbreaking dreams about divorce. I can't even masturbate anymore because my arousal is quickly replaced by heartache even when I'm alone. I feel traumatized. (Small complex trauma is real)

I can't afford therapy but i know we need it. He wouldn't go anyways. Is it SO WRONG and selfish to ask for a yoni massage? After all the effort I've put in and favors I've done... Is it so selfish to say i NEED this kind of sexual therapy from my husband?

At wits end, what do i do now...
OP, don't have any kids with this guy until you figure out what you're going to do and how long you're going to give him to fix his attitude.

Is he selfish and entitled with other things too, or just sex? He's old enough to know that stuff doesn't do it for a woman, it's not like you're both super young and inexperienced.
 

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Have you considered 'attachment theory'? He sounds 'avoidant'. This could explain the mental block. If this is the case, then the issue might not be sexual at all. That is, he is terrified of being 'vulnerable'. Trying to meet your needs could actually be terrifying for him...it presents the possibility of failure. Just a possible place to look into.
I think this is a good point, especially considering how many times she's mentioned yoni massage. I'm wondering if this makes him feel pressured to perform in a very specific way instead of more relaxed exploration. Combined with the fact that he already knows she's unsatisfied, this could derail things further.

Maybe get him to open up a bit and then start casual instead of super specific?

Not blaming OP for the issue, just mentioning this as a side thing. I stand by my point that the porn MUST go.
 

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This man's problem isn't attachment disorder. It's porn disorder. Porn has been his friend and lover since he was a kid. It is his first love. He lives in a porn fantasy. He doesn't make love to his wife, he acts out his porn fantasy, which is why it's as if he's not hearing her, because he's not. It's all about him. All about his brain (and soul) on porn.

Look, @Flowersandsand, I'm truly sorry that you are in this mess. Your husband did a bait and switch on you. He did what it took to hook in and marry you, but now that he's got you, he's gone back into his little porn shell.

You said you can't talk to him about anything that you need him to change, because he gets upset with you. He can't hear you. He doesn't want to. He wants a living person to have sex with, rather than only and image and his hand. I would question whether he loves you at all.

I know this sounds mean and discouraging, but this is the life you are living. Face reality and run from this man. You are young, with your whole life ahead of you. Don't stick around and wait for this man to change. This is how he is.

Do you want to have children with this man? He will be teaching them what life is like. He will give them his selfishness and his lack of concern for others. You will be in a constant war to protect your children from their own father's example. It will be horrible.

Your husband is not being a husband. He has checked out on your marriage and gone to his first love - porn. Let him. You don't need this in your life.

This site, that I'm going to link, will help you understand what you are up against. If your husband is unwilling to address this issue, it will likely only get worse, but it most certainly will not get better. Your Brain On Porn
 

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Porn has been his friend and lover since he was a kid. It is his first love. He lives in a porn fantasy. He doesn't make love to his wife, he acts out his porn fantasy, which is why it's as if he's not hearing her, because he's not. It's all about him. All about his brain (and soul) on porn.
This sounds similar to any other addiction. Drugs, alcohol, tobacco. People sometimes kick these habits, but it is a lifelong battle prone to relapse at any time. In his case, every time he is intimate with you, the porn addiction brain pathways will fire up. For the rest of his life. You even said you resemble the 鈥渁ctresses鈥 he watches.

OP, do you really want to invest your young vibrant life in a project husband?

BTW, this is what can happen letting physical appearance override all other considerations. Did you know about the 20 year old who threw him back before you married him. If so many others didnt want him, maybe you should have taken a pass as well.
 

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I need advice on how to stop hitting dead ends, I'll try to be brief on the backstory. My husband and i have been together for 5 years, married for 2 years. (F26, M34)The first 6 months we had amazing sex, but early on, even though I was enjoying it, i could tell it was completely for him. So i mentioned it casually that i had noticed, and no biggie but i would really like some foreplay first and a little attention throughout. He said ok and then more time had passed and nothing was happening so i started to suggest things in more detail. Still, after asking directly, he seemed to be doing less not more... He's very sensitive in his ego and becomes avoidant.

Always he would come and i would sometimes choose to finish myself but often times it just doesn't work that way. He always TELLS me to come like i can just rub one out whenever. It is a huge turn off for me to feel like my husband doesn't want to put in effort to make me feel good so i just don't even want it at that point. Periodically i just can't take it anymore and we have "a talk" about it. At this point he is technically trying but for some reason doesn't understand that he isnt doing any of my requests, he's doing what porn has taught him a woman likes. I told him what I like, but he just doesn't get it. It's like he hears what I'm saying and immediately erases it from his memory in favor of pornography scenes. i tried to get him to study women's anatomy and i sent him all kinds of articles. He read them but shows me what he's been studying... It's just more porn!!! The title might suggest it was for the woman but it is most certainly JUST porn.

We've had huge fights about his inability to understand a genuine woman from fantasy. He keeps diving for my clit and i keep begging for him to do a thigh massage at least, which he technically does, but God he just does not get it. I stopped sex altogether because it was genuinely BAD for me and it almost killed our relationship.

We try to compromise but i get the **** end of the stick. The deal is that he continues "trying" if i stop "withholding" sex. The situation now is that he gets huge doses of oxytocin and i get huge doses of cortisol every time we have sex. I don't know what to do now, I've been honest and open, I've described in detail how my body and psyche work, I've sacrificed my enjoyment for a promise that never comes. I'm stressed, depressed, and have heartbreaking dreams about divorce. I can't even masturbate anymore because my arousal is quickly replaced by heartache even when I'm alone. I feel traumatized. (Small complex trauma is real)

I can't afford therapy but i know we need it. He wouldn't go anyways. Is it SO WRONG and selfish to ask for a yoni massage? After all the effort I've put in and favors I've done... Is it so selfish to say i NEED this kind of sexual therapy from my husband?

At wits end, what do i do now...
2 years ago my wife told me through our first 20 years together, she never had orgasm with me. So, I bought her some sex toys so she could learn how to give herself an orgasm. And once she got proficient at it, she showed me what she needed. So I went to work and learned how to pleasure my wife and 2 hours later, I gave her an Orgasm. The first if our 20 plus years of marriage. Which took lots of work. Now we are in our 35th year of marriage and she is just now allowing me to perform oral on her. No Orgasms through oral yet but it is only because of some mental hang up she has. I've gotten her to the doorstep and made to stop because she didn't want to cum on my face, and then cups the first 30 seconds of intercourse. Keep trying things take time.
 

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2 years ago my wife told me through our first 20 years together, she never had orgasm with me.
FWIW, as @Flowersandsand said in the post you quoted, her husband has been a porn addict since age 14. So he isn't able to relate to a real woman, and treats her like she was one of the "actresses" in his fantasies ( who unfortunately she resembles ). So she very readily climaxes, it is just she ( like a majority of women ) needs a little more attention than the fake stuff on porn. Her issue has nothing to do with her, but with the inconsiderate clueless man she is married to. He was thrown back by women he was with before marrying as they all quickly realized he was a dud stud. I mean what man is going to let his real live wife interested in active intimacy with him become frustrated while he spends his time watching images on a damn screen?

Regarding your situation, great that your wife finally decided to address and solve her problem. A little strange it took her 18 years to "reveal" she had never climaxed with you ( by any means), strange that she accepted that state so long without saying or doing anything about it. I would have thought she would have bought herself a pile of toys at about year 1. A little strange IMO that you didn't realize this yourself. At least with my wife are involuntary signs that she is climaxing, rectal and vaginal spasms for example. But better late than never. There is another thread on here by a husband whose wife refuses after 20 years to address her issues, which he has internalized, and her husband is on the way out of the door.
 
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