[ah_sorandy]

It's a sad fact that while most guys love a BJ and if all else fails, you can always depend on that, with women, each one has different hot buttons and desired intensity, so it's just more complex. I think he thinks they're all supposed to be responsive acting like in porn videos where doing what HE likes gets THEM off. Just not reality. He either doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it.

The hot buttons are there to be found very easily on any woman. It just takes patience and the willingness to explore her body till you find them all.

He can't just project what he sees on porn (that is staged) onto his wife.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

The hot buttons are there to be found very easily on any woman. It just takes patience and the willingness to explore her body till you find them all.

He can't just project what he sees on porn (that is staged) onto his wife.

I mean, if someone is listening, it's just a matter of saying "right there" and "faster" or "slower." But this guy thinks he's a master student of the art of porn or something. There are women who are too shy to give little directions to help out, but this isn't one of them.

 

[Flowersandsand]

It was something I read that psychologists noticed early on when porn became so accessible on the internet. Guys who grew up using it, some of them got to where they could only get off using their favorite scenarios that they chose of course. They couldn't connect with a real woman with her own ways. They just keep trying to push their script on them. It was just unintimate sex based on whatever fantasies they chose and the reactions by the women in porn are just fake reactions, but that is what they came to expect. Just not grounded in reality. And this guy doesn't seem to see what's wrong with it and that's why he needs to get in therapy to discuss it and then individual therapy to bring him back down to earth and deprogram him. I bet he won't, though. He's a porn casualty.

This scares me and I have been considering it since I realized he was addicted. He says he has had access to porn since he was 14. It's going to take a lot of convincing for him. I did suggest it last year, he talked me out of it but the alternative hasn't gotten us anywhere. I hate this

 

[Flowersandsand]

I mean, if someone is listening, it's just a matter of saying "right there" and "faster" or "slower." But this guy thinks he's a master student of the art of porn or something. There are women who are too shy to give little directions to help out, but this isn't one of them.

I'm too honest but sometimes I don't consider my tone or feelings before opening my mouth

 

[Rus47]

My husband and i have been together for 5 years, married for 2 years. (F26, M34)The first 6 months we had amazing sex,

What previous sex partners has he had? I am assuming that at his age he was with other women before you. Surely someone taught him how to romance a woman, foreplay is the name of the game. Was the first six months of amazing sex after you married or the first six months after you got together? Like you were in the "new relationship" phase and didnt mind his hamfisted attempts. Did he just recently become clueless or did you tolerate it for 5 years for other reasons and it is just now becoming too much to take?

Get the very old book "Joy of Sex", and read it together. Get him the book "She Comes First" and have him read that. At his age he shouldn't need to read anything, he ought to be rocking your world. But maybe he is a really sloooow learner.

I can't afford therapy but i know we need it. He wouldn't go anyways. Is it SO WRONG and selfish to ask for a yoni massage? After all the effort I've put in and favors I've done... Is it so selfish to say i NEED this kind of sexual therapy from my husband?

At wits end, what do i do now...

No it isnt selfish.

I don't know how to get through his thick skull that he better get with the program or he will be watching his damn porn alone instead of enjoying a real woman's charms. Something lacking in his upbringing and life experience to be butt hurt when a woman who wants to be with him tells him straight up to "do this" and "don't do that". Many women don't have the courage to communicate that openly, and end up just divorcing or finding a lover on the side to meet their needs.

 

[ah_sorandy]

What previous sex partners has he had? I am assuming that at his age he was with other women before you. Surely someone taught him how to romance a woman, foreplay is the name of the game. Was the first six months of amazing sex after you married or the first six months after you got together? Like you were in the "new relationship" phase and didnt mind his hamfisted attempts. Did he just recently become clueless or did you tolerate it for 5 years for other reasons and it is just now becoming too much to take?

Get the very old book "Joy of Sex", and read it together. Get him the book "She Comes First" and have him read that. At his age he shouldn't need to read anything, he ought to be rocking your world. But maybe he is a really sloooow learner.


No it isnt selfish.

I don't know how to get through his thick skull that he better get with the program or he will be watching his damn porn alone instead of enjoying a real woman's charms. Something lacking in his upbringing and life experience to be butt hurt when a woman who wants to be with him tells him straight up to "do this" and "don't do that". Many women don't have the courage to communicate that openly, and end up just divorcing or finding a lover on the side to meet their needs.

Wow, the "Joy of Sex" book. I think there's one of those hidden somewhere around my house. Lolol

 

[DownByTheRiver]

This scares me and I have been considering it since I realized he was addicted. He says he has had access to porn since he was 14. It's going to take a lot of convincing for him. I did suggest it last year, he talked me out of it but the alternative hasn't gotten us anywhere. I hate this

It's going to take deprogramming and also someone convincing him what's real and what's fake.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

I'm too honest but sometimes I don't consider my tone or feelings before opening my mouth

Well, sometimes when you're sexually frustrated in the moment, you can't be that articulate!!!

 

[TexasMom1216]

It's going to take deprogramming and also someone convincing him what's real and what's fake.

It’s an important point no one wants to address. The women in porn are pretending. They’re not enjoying the sex. Sometimes they’re not even consenting to the sex.

 

[Flowersandsand]

What previous sex partners has he had? I am assuming that at his age he was with other women before you. Surely someone taught him how to romance a woman, foreplay is the name of the game. Was the first six months of amazing sex after you married or the first six months after you got together? Like you were in the "new relationship" phase and didnt mind his hamfisted attempts. Did he just recently become clueless or did you tolerate it for 5 years for other reasons and it is just now becoming too much to take?

Get the very old book "Joy of Sex", and read it together. Get him the book "She Comes First" and have him read that. At his age he shouldn't need to read anything, he ought to be rocking your world. But maybe he is a really sloooow learner.


No it isnt selfish.

I don't know how to get through his thick skull that he better get with the program or he will be watching his damn porn alone instead of enjoying a real woman's charms. Something lacking in his upbringing and life experience to be butt hurt when a woman who wants to be with him tells him straight up to "do this" and "don't do that". Many women don't have the courage to communicate that openly, and end up just divorcing or finding a lover on the side to meet their needs.

I noticed right away and casually mentioned id like more before it even began to bother me. I married him anyways because I'm an idiot or something. Actually my only other long term relationship was with someone who turned out to be addicted to masturbation but not porn. There's something wrong with ME boy i can choose them.

He had a cute first high school relationship, then the first time he lived with a girl she was f'n crazy and manipulative (i can confirm this to be true though she also complained about the porn), then he had an ok 3 year relationship with someone who had major issues (like couldn't even be seen naked, they had sex like twice) so he relied on porn there, he dated a black girl who was ashamed of him because he's white so they didn't last, and all throughout he's had many flings because he is very good looking. None of these girls have ever mentioned the sex being good or bad, but HE has said that they thought he was just the bomb diggity. His upbringing wasn't the best either, his dad was phenomenal but he had to deal with a lot of rejection from his mother and bounced between them. Things we will hopefully be talking to a therapist about. It explains the avoidant behavior. He says that i am his ideal woman and the best sex he's ever had but part of me is scared that this view also stems from me resembling his actresses...

 

[Flowersandsand]

Wow, the "Joy of Sex" book. I think there's one of those hidden somewhere around my house. Lolol

Is it good? I've been recommended those before

 

[DownByTheRiver]

It’s an important point no one wants to address. The women in porn are pretending. They’re not enjoying the sex. Sometimes they’re not even consenting to the sex.

Then you'll have the die-hards who will say they watch "amateur porn." Really? And how do you know that? Because that's how they label it?

 

[Rus47]

Wow, the "Joy of Sex" book. I think there's one of those hidden somewhere around my house. Lolol

Wife and I had been married awhile with two kids when it was published. We bought it and had a blast reading and trying stuff together. We were our one and only so learned a lot. Our copy is somewhere in the boxes of memorabilia our grandkids will discover and be scandalized by when we leave this planet.

 

[Flowersandsand]

It’s an important point no one wants to address. The women in porn are pretending. They’re not enjoying the sex. Sometimes they’re not even consenting to the sex.

Yeah I'm really sensitive to their micro expressions... Sometimes they can't mask the look of disgust no matter how big their fake smile is it's really sad to me. I know a guy who used to film big porn and boy does he have some horror stories. Those people are often miserable and numb to sex.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

I noticed right away and casually mentioned id like more before it even began to bother me. I married him anyways because I'm an idiot or something. Actually my only other long term relationship was with someone who turned out to be addicted to masturbation but not porn. There's something wrong with ME boy i can choose them.

He had a cute first high school relationship, then the first time he lived with a girl she was f'n crazy and manipulative (i can confirm this to be true though she also complained about the porn), then he had an ok 3 year relationship with someone who had major issues (like couldn't even be seen naked, they had sex like twice) so he relied on porn there, he dated a black girl who was ashamed of him because he's white so they didn't last, and all throughout he's had many flings because he is very good looking. None of these girls have ever mentioned the sex being good or bad, but HE has said that they thought he was just the bomb diggity. His upbringing wasn't the best either, his dad was phenomenal but he had to deal with a lot of rejection from his mother and bounced between them. Things we will hopefully be talking to a therapist about. It explains the avoidant behavior. He says that i am his ideal woman and the best sex he's ever had but part of me is scared that this view also stems from me resembling his actresses...

Some guys who are real good looking will rest on their laurels because they can with some women. But others who are real good looking want to have a good reputation and actually try. I think it depends on the grapevine and whether they are plugged into it and thinking about that women will put the word out.

 

[Rus47]

Is it good? I've been recommended those before

Absolutely! It covers everything from soup to nuts. I mean human sexuality hasn't changed in thousands of years, so just cuz it is an old old book doesn't invalidate it.

Your problem is getting your husband to read it with you TOGETHER.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Wife and I had been married awhile with two kids when it was published. We bought it and had a blast reading and trying stuff together. We were our one and only so learned a lot. Our copy is somewhere in the boxes of memorabilia our grandkids will discover and be scandalized by when we leave this planet.

Along with the xxx toys in the nightstand! OMG, people, don't leave those things for your offspring or grandkids to find when you croak!

I've been through it. When my best friend was having to do her dad's house when he passed, I told her to tell her half-brother to go clean out the bedroom, that she did NOT want to see that.

 

[Flowersandsand]

Then you'll have the die-hards who will say they watch "amateur porn." Really? And how do you know that? Because that's how they label it?

My husband used to show me videos and ask me if I thought they were faking it. I always said yes after genuinely looking to see, and one day i just laughed and said wait, do you really think ANY of this is real? He does understand there are actresses, but is convinced people go into porn and stay because they're having fun.

 

[Flowersandsand]

Absolutely! It covers everything from soup to nuts. I mean human sexuality hasn't changed in thousands of years, so just cuz it is an old old book doesn't invalidate it.

Your problem is getting your husband to read it with you TOGETHER.

Sold, physical copy is is.

 

[TexasMom1216]

Along with the xxx toys in the nightstand! OMG, people, don't leave those things for your offspring or grandkids to find when you croak!

I've been through it. When my best friend was having to do her dad's house when he passed, I told her to tell her half-brother to go clean out the bedroom, that she did NOT want to see that.

Aw, I don’t know, it’s nice to think they had a vibrant sex life though. Of course I have a different perspective because it wouldn’t be MY parents. So I guess that ick factor is pretty high. Still, so sweet and kinda romantic to find Grandma’s fur-lined handcuffs…😂😉