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Discussion Starter · #43 ·
Ok, well then do it alone before he is going to start with you instead.

Look, I really think the porn is an issue for him, and it's not going to get better as time goes on, it's going to get WORSE. He is being over stimulated by the instant gratification of porn, so his excitement for you is exhausted.

I know it damages your sexual confidence, but try to block that -- this is NOT a "you" problem...this is ALL HIM. Let it damage your confidence in HIM only, because you are doing everything right it sounds like.

You are going to have to talk to him about the porn and it's effect on your mutual sex life if things don't improve. At some point, he is going to have to make a choice...and then so are you.
I might need to start a whole new thread for advice on this one, because we've had many a porn talk. I too think it is poisonous to his view of sex. I also know that porn CAN be used in a healthy way. He outright refused to quit. I'm clueless on how to continue this particular debate. I actually read about this addiction a lot since it affects him and us so greatly. He thought going 7 days without it wasa huge accomplishment and thinks that's all the proof he needs to show porn is not the problem.
 

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Discussion Starter · #46 ·
You are young, you are not compatible. Do him a favour (and to yourself) and dump him.
You're probably right, but it's more complex than that. We share a house and a life. We've accomplished things and look forward to a future together. Aside from the devastation of losing a husband, the us economy is terrible, one of us would be homeless.
Exactly, don't wait a lifetime like I did to find someone more compatible. It hurts knowing what could have been!
Are you with someone more compatible now? For how long? There will always be problems in marriage, a successful marriage is being able to work through them without running away. He knows I had plans to leave before, I made it obvious I was looking for a rental. It sparked his first attempt at a yoni massage. I am still hopeful
 

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I'll give it a go in 3 months when I can finally afford it. The cheapest one I found was a phone call $60/hr with a 1hr premium... I want to be able to afford multiple sessions per month
Well, that's cheap in US dollars. Try $190 CDN for one hour with my current therapist!
 

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Have you considered 'attachment theory'? He sounds 'avoidant'. This could explain the mental block. If this is the case, then the issue might not be sexual at all. That is, he is terrified of being 'vulnerable'. Trying to meet your needs could actually be terrifying for him...it presents the possibility of failure. Just a possible place to look into.
 

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Discussion Starter · #50 ·
Well, that's cheap in US dollars. Try $190 CDN for one hour with my current theripist!
My savings are slim these days, had several surprise emergencies. Plus I don't like to go with the cheapest options. I guess it's not the end of the world to do just one session per month for now. Do you like therapy/do you think it has helped?
 

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Discussion Starter · #51 ·
Have you considered 'attachment theory'? He sounds 'avoidant'. This could explain the mental block. If this is the case, then the issue might not be sexual at all. That is, he is terrified of being 'vulnerable'. Trying to meet your needs could actually be terrifying for him...it presents the possibility of failure. Just a possible place to look into.
Yessssss I watched a YouTube video on that last week but didn't follow up (busy busy). This could really be the breakthrough we need. We talked about his aversion maybe stemming from his first relationship but this makes more sense. I will search for info, any recommendations off the top of your head?
 

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You're probably right, but it's more complex than that. We share a house and a life. We've accomplished things and look forward to a future together. Aside from the devastation of losing a husband, the us economy is terrible, one of us would be homeless.
Are you with someone more compatible now? For how long? There will always be problems in marriage, a successful marriage is being able to work through them without running away. He knows I had plans to leave before, I made it obvious I was looking for a rental. It sparked his first attempt at a yoni massage. I am still hopeful
Sadly, I'm not yet with someone more compatible. I am working on it though. Thanks for asking.
 

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My savings are slim these days, had several surprise emergencies. Plus I don't like to go with the cheapest options. I guess it's not the end of the world to do just one session per month for now. Do you like therapy/do you think it has helped?
Therapy is NOT magic that solves everything. A good therapist will be able to focus on what's troubling you most and get you to talk about it so that the bad feelings are less intense.
 

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You may have shattered his confidence. Save up some money for a sex therapist. If he won't go, go without him. It's likely that this problem can be fixed, unless he wants divorce. A lot of guys really don't know what to do to please a woman. It's worse when their egos will not let them listen and learn.
He shattered his own confidence, I'm afraid.
 

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I might need to start a whole new thread for advice on this one, because we've had many a porn talk. I too think it is poisonous to his view of sex. I also know that porn CAN be used in a healthy way. He outright refused to quit. I'm clueless on how to continue this particular debate. I actually read about this addiction a lot since it affects him and us so greatly. He thought going 7 days without it wasa huge accomplishment and thinks that's all the proof he needs to show porn is not the problem.
He needs to go to a therapist and understand the difference between fantasy and reality.
 

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Yessssss I watched a YouTube video on that last week but didn't follow up (busy busy). This could really be the breakthrough we need. We talked about his aversion maybe stemming from his first relationship but this makes more sense. I will search for info, any recommendations off the top of your head?
I've enjoyed this lady's channel. She also brings Myers Briggs stuff into focus if you are into that stuff as well. My wife is an ENFP and found this channel absolutely life affirming.

 

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He needs to go to a therapist and understand the difference between fantasy and reality.
I agree, and he needs to find out why his sex drive has to come from porn? There is something not right with him needing porn to want sex with his young and beautiful wife. I'd be insulted if the woman I loved needed porn to want sex with me.

My HD would only be magnified by having a sexy and willing young lady by my side.

Maybe he needs his testosterone levels checked.
 

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I agree, and he needs to find out why his sex drive has to come from porn? There is something not right with him needing porn to want sex with his young and beautiful wife. I'd be insulted if the woman I loved needed porn to want sex with me.

My HD would only be magnified by having a sexy and willing young lady by my side.

Maybe he needs his testosterone levels checked.
It was something I read that psychologists noticed early on when porn became so accessible on the internet. Guys who grew up using it, some of them got to where they could only get off using their favorite scenarios that they chose of course. They couldn't connect with a real woman with her own ways. They just keep trying to push their script on them. It was just unintimate sex based on whatever fantasies they chose and the reactions by the women in porn are just fake reactions, but that is what they came to expect. Just not grounded in reality. And this guy doesn't seem to see what's wrong with it and that's why he needs to get in therapy to discuss it and then individual therapy to bring him back down to earth and deprogram him. I bet he won't, though. He's a porn casualty.
 

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I might need to start a whole new thread for advice on this one, because we've had many a porn talk. I too think it is poisonous to his view of sex. I also know that porn CAN be used in a healthy way. He outright refused to quit. I'm clueless on how to continue this particular debate. I actually read about this addiction a lot since it affects him and us so greatly. He thought going 7 days without it wasa huge accomplishment and thinks that's all the proof he needs to show porn is not the problem.
There is no point in talking to someone when they refuse to listen. Your husband is addicted to porn. He is using images of other women (and men) to get off. You are young. You don't have any children with this man. He clearly isn't interested in caring for and loving you. I recommend you divorce him asap. Don't even bother telling him why. Just file and get the heck out of there. You may as well be married to an alcoholic. You can't change them either. You can only control yourself.
 

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It's a sad fact that while most guys love a BJ and if all else fails, you can always depend on that, with women, each one has different hot buttons and desired intensity, so it's just more complex. I think he thinks they're all supposed to be responsive acting like in porn videos where doing what HE likes gets THEM off. Just not reality. He either doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it.
 
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