[WhoDat83]

I need advice on how to stop hitting dead ends, I'll try to be brief on the backstory. My husband and i have been together for 5 years, married for 2 years. (F26, M34)The first 6 months we had amazing sex, but early on, even though I was enjoying it, i could tell it was completely for him. So i mentioned it casually that i had noticed, and no biggie but i would really like some foreplay first and a little attention throughout. He said ok and then more time had passed and nothing was happening so i started to suggest things in more detail. Still, after asking directly, he seemed to be doing less not more... He's very sensitive in his ego and becomes avoidant.

Always he would come and i would sometimes choose to finish myself but often times it just doesn't work that way. He always TELLS me to come like i can just rub one out whenever. It is a huge turn off for me to feel like my husband doesn't want to put in effort to make me feel good so i just don't even want it at that point. Periodically i just can't take it anymore and we have "a talk" about it. At this point he is technically trying but for some reason doesn't understand that he isnt doing any of my requests, he's doing what porn has taught him a woman likes. I told him what I like, but he just doesn't get it. It's like he hears what I'm saying and immediately erases it from his memory in favor of pornography scenes. i tried to get him to study women's anatomy and i sent him all kinds of articles. He read them but shows me what he's been studying... It's just more porn!!! The title might suggest it was for the woman but it is most certainly JUST porn.

We've had huge fights about his inability to understand a genuine woman from fantasy. He keeps diving for my clit and i keep begging for him to do a thigh massage at least, which he technically does, but God he just does not get it. I stopped sex altogether because it was genuinely BAD for me and it almost killed our relationship.

We try to compromise but i get the **** end of the stick. The deal is that he continues "trying" if i stop "withholding" sex. The situation now is that he gets huge doses of oxytocin and i get huge doses of cortisol every time we have sex. I don't know what to do now, I've been honest and open, I've described in detail how my body and psyche work, I've sacrificed my enjoyment for a promise that never comes. I'm stressed, depressed, and have heartbreaking dreams about divorce. I can't even masturbate anymore because my arousal is quickly replaced by heartache even when I'm alone. I feel traumatized. (Small complex trauma is real)

I can't afford therapy but i know we need it. He wouldn't go anyways. Is it SO WRONG and selfish to ask for a yoni massage? After all the effort I've put in and favors I've done... Is it so selfish to say i NEED this kind of sexual therapy from my husband?

At wits end, what do i do now...

Wow..I think that there is no better sex therapist than your partner if the communication is opened about it. like you telling him what you would like. i fortunately dont have many issues with my wife under that point of view but every now and then she asks me to do something and i absolutely do it..why not! it should be great for both!
From a Man stand point of view i can tell you that it must be one of two things..either he thinks you are an "object" that helps him emptying out his sack when he has to (and porn will absolutely bring us men to be like that like vibrators for women) or he genuinely has some issues in understanding.
i m sorry if i m straight forward with you but not sure there is any other reason. so my suggestion, as a man, is bring him to sex theraphy and see if anything changes. if it does that means that was option 2 and you guys will start to see progress. if theraphy dont do much then i am so sorry darling but you will have to decide what to do which is either to end the relationship or find an alternative that makes you "happy" too in bed (and not talking about cheating..maybe some toy?)
it depends how much you love this person, again..sex is important but love is more important.

 

[Flowersandsand]

Maybe try a movie night? Just you two on the couch. You sit in his arms sorta thing. Have him sorta love on you during the movie and just hold you. Can’t he do something simple like that?

We have movie night 4 times per week(he's a movie nerd) but again, dead end. It's a great idea and I'll preempt it with that request. He's easily distracted by screens, so he quickly goes on autopilot and ends up rubbing the same spot until it's raw. He'd rather quit forever in the face of any criticism, as small as they can be, and even suggestions are seen as criticisms to him so if I'm like "can you move onto another spot" or "my legs are feeling lonely" even just hinting it, he stops cold or slips back into autopilot. I hold back a lot because he quits so readily. We've had talks about how sensitive he is about this, but he never remembers any talks we have when I try to point it out again. He erases all progress from his memory and treats me like I'm bullying him. I try so hard not to sound cold or judgemental but I probably do. I hope this glimpse of his childishness sparks more advice lol

 

[Flowersandsand]

He probably understands.

He says he does which is why he is so frustrated. There is a missing link somewhere though, I just don't know how to articulate it. I don't expect him to be perfect or wow me into another dimension, I am simply asking for him to make progress on understanding my body and my preferences. Most people WANT to figure these things out about their partners. I had fun figuring him out.

 

[LisaDiane]

We have movie night 4 times per week(he's a movie nerd) but again, dead end. It's a great idea and I'll preempt it with that request. He's easily distracted by screens, so he quickly goes on autopilot and ends up rubbing the same spot until it's raw. He'd rather quit forever in the face of any criticism, as small as they can be, and even suggestions are seen as criticisms to him so if I'm like "can you move onto another spot" or "my legs are feeling lonely" even just hinting it, he stops cold or slips back into autopilot. I hold back a lot because he quits so readily. We've had talks about how sensitive he is about this, but he never remembers any talks we have when I try to point it out again. He erases all progress from his memory and treats me like I'm bullying him. I try so hard not to sound cold or judgemental but I probably do. I hope this glimpse of his childishness sparks more advice lol

Have you ever watched instructional porn videos with him? If you found some that had men doing the things you want him to do to you, he could follow along with the videos and that might help him imagine what you are asking for.

The other thing I am wondering is, how are YOU with pleasuring his body? Does he like what you do and/or instruct you himself if he wants something else than what you are doing?

 

[FloridaGuy1]

Have you ever watched instructional porn videos with him? If you found some that had men doing the things you want him to do to you, he could follow along with the videos and that might help him imagine what you are asking for.

The other thing I am wondering is, how are YOU with pleasuring his body? Does he like what you do and/or instruct you himself if he wants something else than what you are doing?

Some really cool guy suggested that earlier in this thread.

 

[drencrom]

Could it be that he has a problem holding off? If it takes you a while, he might not be able to last that long. It might not be that he doesn't want to try, it might be he can't.

A doctor may be able to help if that is the case.

 

[Flowersandsand]

Have you ever watched instructional porn videos with him? If you found some that had men doing the things you want him to do to you, he could follow along with the videos and that might help him imagine what you are asking for.

The other thing I am wondering is, how are YOU with pleasuring his body? Does he like what you do and/or instruct you himself if he wants something else than what you are doing?

Oh I'm pretty confident about meeting his needs. I can deepthroat and I do often, I'm physically fit, we have sexy outfits, mirrors, I'm SO good at massages, I wash his hair in the shower, I absolutely pampered him until I lost enthusiasm and tapered off. We did watch two porn videos of my choice, two separate times. The first time he kept skipping ahead and I'd say, you're missing the good stuff!! And he goes "they aren't saying/doing anything!". More arguments. This last time it FELT like he was putting the pieces together, I talked through the video relating it to myself and stuff. Idk he's like a goldfish in regards to memory. I put together a comprehensive... well, "essay" you could call it, fully trying to articulate my desires, only saying what I like and no criticism. It was still taken badly and he deleted it. I'm not good at communicating. He's very avoidant but I try.

 

[LisaDiane]

Oh I'm pretty confident about meeting his needs. I can deepthroat and I do often, I'm physically fit, we have sexy outfits, mirrors, I'm SO good at massages, I wash his hair in the shower, I absolutely pampered him until I lost enthusiasm and tapered off. We did watch two porn videos of my choice, two separate times. The first time he kept skipping ahead and I'd say, you're missing the good stuff!! And he goes "they aren't saying/doing anything!". More arguments. This last time it FELT like he was putting the pieces together, I talked through the video relating it to myself and stuff. Idk he's like a goldfish in regards to memory. I put together a comprehensive... well, "essay" you could call it, fully trying to articulate my desires, only saying what I like and no criticism. It was still taken badly and he deleted it. I'm not good at communicating. He's very avoidant but I try.

Hmm...I wonder if you wrote out exactly what you want him to do, almost like a story, and then read it to him while he's doing what you read...would that be offensive for him?

 

[Flowersandsand]

Could it be that he has a problem holding off? If it takes you a while, he might not be able to last that long. It might not be that he doesn't want to try, it might be he can't.

A doctor may be able to help if that is the case.

He himself had that thought, but more of the same thing is not what I want. I hate it when he tries to last so long, because too much piv IS the problem. He still says things like "if only I lasted longer you definitely would have came" but in reality, I need foreplay. I need him to manipulate my ***** lips before plunging in. I have had these talks with him too, about how lasting longer is not the problem. I'm just not ready soon enough for him, and if he has to wait too long, he's down for the count and we're both sad. I'm sure at this point that the problem is a miscommunication on how I become aroused. I'm more complex than him, I need active attention not passive thrusting. Not even all the time, damn!! I feel like I've lost my sexuality and I'm not even 30 😭

 

[Flowersandsand]

Hmm...I wonder if you wrote out exactly what you want him to do, almost like a story, and then read it to him while he's doing what you read...would that be offensive for him?

Interesting... I'm not sure how comfortable I myself am with that lol. I don't really like having to give instructions it really takes me out of it. We tried a mock session once but it was too infrequent and he forgot like everything. I suggested a yoni massage as practice but he always pressures me for sex, or tries to masturbate me which is not what I want until I want it you know... He gets really pushing about "progressing" things and I keep trying to get him to understand that less is more sometimes and you can't rush this

 

[LisaDiane]

He himself had that thought, but more of the same thing is not what I want. I hate it when he tries to last so long, because too much piv IS the problem. He still says things like "if only I lasted longer you definitely would have came" but in reality, I need foreplay. I need him to manipulate my * lips before plunging in. I have had these talks with him too, about how lasting longer is not the problem. I'm just not ready soon enough for him, and if he has to wait too long, he's down for the count and we're both sad. I'm sure at this point that the problem is a miscommunication on how I become aroused. I'm more complex than him, I need active attention not passive thrusting. Not even all the time, damn!! I feel like I've lost my sexuality and I'm not even 30 😭

Nooo...you haven't lost it at all...you just haven't FOUND it yet!

What about if you were to stimulate yourself the way you like, to get yourself ready for HIM to continue the stimulation? Don't give yourself an orgasm, but just let him watch you (not to "learn", but just to enjoy seeing you), OR do that for yourself just to get yourself started, even if you are alone. Could that be worked in to the start of your sessions somehow?

 

[Flowersandsand]

Some really cool guy suggested that earlier in this thread.

Lmao sorry, I was responding from the bottom up. Florida represent!! Yeah, I have a very negative relationship to porn but did try to relate through it. He just skips around a lot and won't sit through the whole video. "they aren't doing anything!" Is what he says when I'm trying to encourage him to go slow and sensual. I put on some how to yoni massage video with sexy light and oils, then one time some porn star lady giving a demonstration on another girl. He did not get it...

 

[LATERILUS79]

We have movie night 4 times per week(he's a movie nerd) but again, dead end. It's a great idea and I'll preempt it with that request. He's easily distracted by screens, so he quickly goes on autopilot and ends up rubbing the same spot until it's raw. He'd rather quit forever in the face of any criticism, as small as they can be, and even suggestions are seen as criticisms to him so if I'm like "can you move onto another spot" or "my legs are feeling lonely" even just hinting it, he stops cold or slips back into autopilot. I hold back a lot because he quits so readily. We've had talks about how sensitive he is about this, but he never remembers any talks we have when I try to point it out again. He erases all progress from his memory and treats me like I'm bullying him. I try so hard not to sound cold or judgemental but I probably do. I hope this glimpse of his childishness sparks more advice lol

What the hell.

OP, you have a dud.

you are 26 years old. I’m going to assume you don’t have any issues getting attention from men.

to have a man child that distracted by screens? That’s what happens to my 9 year old kids.

there are millions of quality men that would have no issues with you sitting in their lap, holding you, give you a back massage, work the kinks out of your neck and other things while being able to simultaneously watch a movie. It’s not hard. Especially when a man knows for a fact the woman he is with will respond well to it. It should be getting him excited in anticipation for the movie to END unless of course neither of you make it to the end of the movie.

your husband needs to check his ego. There is no reason why two people in a marriage cannot talk about very personal things that need to be discussed. He shouldn’t feel that defensive. He should be more than capable of listening to your concerns. He should be smart enough to realize that addressing your concerns also greatly benefits him!!!!!

he is acting like a teenage boy. No adult man thinks that what happens in porn is real - let alone thinking what happens in porn is better than the real thing!!!! He has serious maturity issues.
I fully understand not wanting to give up. Truly, I get it.

you need to get yourself to a point where you are willing to give up your marriage to save it. Your concerns are valid. Maybe you want to have children some day? Think about if this is a man you want to do that with.

I think he can either go with you to therapy and show you that he will try to work on your concerns (and make sure to listen to him about his concerns assuming he agrees to therapy), or go your own way.

for me personally, it is all about effort. Even in failure. I can work with effort. That shows that someone cares. No effort tells me the person doesn’t care. He needs to show effort by agreeing to counseling with you to work on your marital issues.

 

[Flowersandsand]

Nooo...you haven't lost it at all...you just haven't FOUND it yet!

What about if you were to stimulate yourself the way you like, to get yourself ready for HIM to continue the stimulation? Don't give yourself an orgasm, but just let him watch you (not to "learn", but just to enjoy seeing you), OR do that for yourself just to get yourself started, even if you are alone. Could that be worked in to the start of your sessions somehow?

He literally stops watching. I'll look down and he's leaning on his elbows with his eyes closed. But he like girl solo porn!!! His attitude has damaged my sexual confidence.

 

[LisaDiane]

Interesting... I'm not sure how comfortable I myself am with that lol. I don't really like having to give instructions it really takes me out of it. We tried a mock session once but it was too infrequent and he forgot like everything. I suggested a yoni massage as practice but he always pressures me for sex, or tries to masturbate me which is not what I want until I want it you know... He gets really pushing about "progressing" things and I keep trying to get him to understand that less is more sometimes and you can't rush this

Ah yes, of course you aren't comfortable giving instructions, who is?? Lol!! But if you want to have satisfying sex, you are going to HAVE to do that with him, it sounds like. You need to be willing to grow in this area, and this might be why you guys are frustrated, because you are trying to instruct him while uncomfortable to a man who is himself uncomfortable receiving instructions, and it's not working well.

Why don't you write it as a story instead of an instruction manual? Make it sound sexy and exciting and see if he will follow along. That could make it less intimidating for both of you.

 

[ah_sorandy]

He literally stops watching. I'll look down and he's leaning on his elbows with his eyes closed. But he like girl solo porn!!! His attitude has damaged my sexual confidence.

Watching porn with your eyes closed sort of defeats having it on. What else was he leaning on other than his elbows?

 

[LisaDiane]

He literally stops watching. I'll look down and he's leaning on his elbows with his eyes closed. But he like girl solo porn!!! His attitude has damaged my sexual confidence.

Ok, well then do it alone before he is going to start with you instead.

Look, I really think the porn is an issue for him, and it's not going to get better as time goes on, it's going to get WORSE. He is being over stimulated by the instant gratification of porn, so his excitement for you is exhausted.

I know it damages your sexual confidence, but try to block that -- this is NOT a "you" problem...this is ALL HIM. Let it damage your confidence in HIM only, because you are doing everything right it sounds like.

You are going to have to talk to him about the porn and it's effect on your mutual sex life if things don't improve. At some point, he is going to have to make a choice...and then so are you.

 

[LisaDiane]

Watching porn with your eyes closed sort of defeats having it on. What else was he leaning on other than his elbows?

She means he stops watching HER touching HERSELF...but he stays interested when watching the same thing in porn.

 

[Flowersandsand]

Ok you know what maybe he IS a dud. I have considered this. He is extremely knowledgeable and talented in other departments, just not so good as a partner. He is the smartest and manliest man I know, aside from his giant ego getting in the way. Life is so hectic right now and we're both so busy with work and personal matters it's hard to make progress. The next conversation I am going to spark is to let him know that I expect our marriage to be his #1 priority, and we might need to schedule regular check ups with each other(targeted talk as well as dates and sex.)

 

[ah_sorandy]

She means he stops watching HER touching HERSELF...but he stays interested when watching the same thing in porn.

Well, it would be the opposite for me. A real live lover would be of the most interest to me.