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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need advice on how to stop hitting dead ends, I'll try to be brief on the backstory. My husband and i have been together for 5 years, married for 2 years. (F26, M34)The first 6 months we had amazing sex, but early on, even though I was enjoying it, i could tell it was completely for him. So i mentioned it casually that i had noticed, and no biggie but i would really like some foreplay first and a little attention throughout. He said ok and then more time had passed and nothing was happening so i started to suggest things in more detail. Still, after asking directly, he seemed to be doing less not more... He's very sensitive in his ego and becomes avoidant.

Always he would come and i would sometimes choose to finish myself but often times it just doesn't work that way. He always TELLS me to come like i can just rub one out whenever. It is a huge turn off for me to feel like my husband doesn't want to put in effort to make me feel good so i just don't even want it at that point. Periodically i just can't take it anymore and we have "a talk" about it. At this point he is technically trying but for some reason doesn't understand that he isnt doing any of my requests, he's doing what porn has taught him a woman likes. I told him what I like, but he just doesn't get it. It's like he hears what I'm saying and immediately erases it from his memory in favor of pornography scenes. i tried to get him to study women's anatomy and i sent him all kinds of articles. He read them but shows me what he's been studying... It's just more porn!!! The title might suggest it was for the woman but it is most certainly JUST porn.

We've had huge fights about his inability to understand a genuine woman from fantasy. He keeps diving for my clit and i keep begging for him to do a thigh massage at least, which he technically does, but God he just does not get it. I stopped sex altogether because it was genuinely BAD for me and it almost killed our relationship.

We try to compromise but i get the **** end of the stick. The deal is that he continues "trying" if i stop "withholding" sex. The situation now is that he gets huge doses of oxytocin and i get huge doses of cortisol every time we have sex. I don't know what to do now, I've been honest and open, I've described in detail how my body and psyche work, I've sacrificed my enjoyment for a promise that never comes. I'm stressed, depressed, and have heartbreaking dreams about divorce. I can't even masturbate anymore because my arousal is quickly replaced by heartache even when I'm alone. I feel traumatized. (Small complex trauma is real)

I can't afford therapy but i know we need it. He wouldn't go anyways. Is it SO WRONG and selfish to ask for a yoni massage? After all the effort I've put in and favors I've done... Is it so selfish to say i NEED this kind of sexual therapy from my husband?

At wits end, what do i do now...
 

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I'm sorry you're going through this. This is what I would do:

I fully believe that nothing will change while he's on porn, so make him choose between you and porn. Full stop. *(porn causes a LOT of sex problems. don't take my word for it, look it up)

Calmly, but clearly and firmly, make him understand that if this continues, it will lead to divorce. You deserve to have your basic needs met, including sexual needs. He is being selfish.

Create boundaries instead of withholding. Have sex with him, but when he does something selfish, end the session (you might want to explain this to him before putting it into effect). Walk away and stay away for more than just a few minutes. When you have both calmed down, be kind but be very firm in that his selfishness and one sided encounters are no longer acceptable.

Or, leave now, because if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting.
 

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What you’re asking for, may just be beyond his ability.
Have you considered seeing a sex therapist? I hear some are actually helpful.

You seem to base a LOT of importance on this. Nothing wrong with that.
Realize that he doesn’t.
See if you can come to a compromise., or better yet, teach him to give you what you want. He doesn’t want to learn at all? Most men do want to please their wives, believe it or not. Maybe just a quickie when we are tired, but must if the runs we do.
 

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What you’re asking for, may just be beyond his ability.
Have you considered seeing a sex therapist? I hear some are actually helpful.

You seem to base a LOT of importance on this. Nothing wrong with that.
Realize that he doesn’t.
See if you can come to a compromise., or better yet, teach him to give you what you want. He doesn’t want to learn at all? Most men do want to please their wives, believe it or not. Maybe just a quickie when we are tired, but must if the runs we do.
Agreed.

I think many men (at least wise ones) would love to hear their wives tell them what they want in the bedroom and want to have discussions as to how to make sex better and more enjoyable.

Maybe the OP could get him to watch some things like sex ed (Kama Sutra) videos with her? Meets his need to see something yet also can be a great teaching tool they both can enjoy and act out in person. I think many guys would enjoy that.
 

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@Flowersandsand yes you have a selfish / lazy lover. And yes the porn is not helping.

It is not too much to ask that a sexual encounter be mutually fulfilling. If you cut of sex most men on this forum would be all for him divorcing you cause his sexual needs aren't being met and he shouldn't have to masturbate. Well guess what same thing applies to you. You shouldn't have to masturbate because he won't learn how to be a better lover.

Now that being said women are often harder to get to orgasm so I settle for 50% of the time and I'm happy with that. You are telling him the things you want and he's ignoring it. So the real question is why? I'm sure the porn has unrealistic portraits like lots of PIV orgasms, nipple orgasms. 1 minute oral orgasms.

I agree with the poster that said make him choose you or porn. But chances are he'll just watch porn in secret.

Life is too long to put up with a selfish partner. So it this what you want? What more do you think you could do?

When you are having sex and he's doing something right have you said out loud. Yes that's awesome keep doing that?

You could try starting sex with him getting on top and then about 2 minutes in just leave. Tell him to finish himself off. Do that every day until he gets the message. Or course he may not and just masturbate everyday after.
 

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Wow, another man that just doesn't get it. Here we have a young lady practically begging for good sex and her hubby's ego and selfishness denies what is rightfully hers.

If the lady I loved was eager for sex, there is nothing I would not do for her.

@Flowersandsand... You should keep talking to him, but don't wait too long to end the relationship if he doesn't pull himself out of this lazy ass sexual selfishness. You deserve to have a man that wants you to be sexually satisfied.

I waited too long to find a woman that I would be more sexually compatible with, and now, I'm old, sad, and full of regrets!
 

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I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! Your husband is an idiot for sure. I sure wish my wife would be as responsive as you are when it comes to sex as I would surely listen to what she desires. On the flip side she doesn’t listen to what I want at all as she finds things like oral or even touching me intimately disgusting.

I agree with what the others are saying, keep talking with him. He needs to stop the porn as it doesn’t help, and I can speak from experience on that. Stopping it will start to change his brain in so many better ways that it hopefully helps your relationship.
 

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I need advice on how to stop hitting dead ends, I'll try to be brief on the backstory. My husband and i have been together for 5 years, married for 2 years. (F26, M34)The first 6 months we had amazing sex, but early on, even though I was enjoying it, i could tell it was completely for him. So i mentioned it casually that i had noticed, and no biggie but i would really like some foreplay first and a little attention throughout. He said ok and then more time had passed and nothing was happening so i started to suggest things in more detail. Still, after asking directly, he seemed to be doing less not more... He's very sensitive in his ego and becomes avoidant.

Always he would come and i would sometimes choose to finish myself but often times it just doesn't work that way. He always TELLS me to come like i can just rub one out whenever. It is a huge turn off for me to feel like my husband doesn't want to put in effort to make me feel good so i just don't even want it at that point. Periodically i just can't take it anymore and we have "a talk" about it. At this point he is technically trying but for some reason doesn't understand that he isnt doing any of my requests, he's doing what porn has taught him a woman likes. I told him what I like, but he just doesn't get it. It's like he hears what I'm saying and immediately erases it from his memory in favor of pornography scenes. i tried to get him to study women's anatomy and i sent him all kinds of articles. He read them but shows me what he's been studying... It's just more porn!!! The title might suggest it was for the woman but it is most certainly JUST porn.

We've had huge fights about his inability to understand a genuine woman from fantasy. He keeps diving for my clit and i keep begging for him to do a thigh massage at least, which he technically does, but God he just does not get it. I stopped sex altogether because it was genuinely BAD for me and it almost killed our relationship.

We try to compromise but i get the **** end of the stick. The deal is that he continues "trying" if i stop "withholding" sex. The situation now is that he gets huge doses of oxytocin and i get huge doses of cortisol every time we have sex. I don't know what to do now, I've been honest and open, I've described in detail how my body and psyche work, I've sacrificed my enjoyment for a promise that never comes. I'm stressed, depressed, and have heartbreaking dreams about divorce. I can't even masturbate anymore because my arousal is quickly replaced by heartache even when I'm alone. I feel traumatized. (Small complex trauma is real)

I can't afford therapy but i know we need it. He wouldn't go anyways. Is it SO WRONG and selfish to ask for a yoni massage? After all the effort I've put in and favors I've done... Is it so selfish to say i NEED this kind of sexual therapy from my husband?

At wits end, what do i do now...
Don't waste you time talking, you did that already, and he seems to struggle!
You guys need a sex therapist ASAP!
The sex therapist will help him have a better view of sex and a healthy sex life with you!

Sex therapist pronto, don't wait!
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! Your husband is an idiot for sure. I sure wish my wife would be as responsive as you are when it comes to sex as I would surely listen to what she desires. On the flip side she doesn’t listen to what I want at all as she finds things like oral or even touching me intimately disgusting.

I agree with what the others are saying, keep talking with him. He needs to stop the porn as it doesn’t help, and I can speak from experience on that. Stopping it will start to change his brain in so many better ways that it hopefully helps your relationship.
Wow that's horrible I'm sure shes just over conscious about it and you aren't disgusting. I had this problem with my ex boyfriend, I thought he tasted terrible and I gagged nonstop. Try flavors, I blew him only while I was drinking hot coffee and it was great for both of us after that
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
@Flowersandsand yes you have a selfish / lazy lover. And yes the porn is not helping.

It is not too much to ask that a sexual encounter be mutually fulfilling. If you cut of sex most men on this forum would be all for him divorcing you cause his sexual needs aren't being met and he shouldn't have to masturbate. Well guess what same thing applies to you. You shouldn't have to masturbate because he won't learn how to be a better lover.

Now that being said women are often harder to get to orgasm so I settle for 50% of the time and I'm happy with that. You are telling him the things you want and he's ignoring it. So the real question is why? I'm sure the porn has unrealistic portraits like lots of PIV orgasms, nipple orgasms. 1 minute oral orgasms.

I agree with the poster that said make him choose you or porn. But chances are he'll just watch porn in secret.

Life is too long to put up with a selfish partner. So it this what you want? What more do you think you could do?

When you are having sex and he's doing something right have you said out loud. Yes that's awesome keep doing that?

You could try starting sex with him getting on top and then about 2 minutes in just leave. Tell him to finish himself off. Do that every day until he gets the message. Or course he may not and just masturbate everyday after.
Good advice but I fail there too. Any praise and he automatically switches things up. Then I say "wait do what you were doing before, it was amazing" and he goes "huh what was I doing before" and even if I explain it again it's not quite the sweet spot anymore and also awkward now. I've even tried to talk to him about his reaction to that. See what I mean, nothing but dead ends.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
After you deny him for a while, he STILL won’t try to give you what you’re needing?
That is when he really began to make attempts. Our issue is that I don't think he quite gets what I mean and I don't know how to articulate myself further. I can't get him to understand the difference between sensual and sexual, why I don't get turned on just by the suggestion of sex, and that I need sensual nonsexual touches to really feel sexy and wanted. Even this description is not enough for him
 

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You may have shattered his confidence. Save up some money for a sex therapist. If he won't go, go without him. It's likely that this problem can be fixed, unless he wants divorce. A lot of guys really don't know what to do to please a woman. It's worse when their egos will not let them listen and learn.
 

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That is when he really began to make attempts. Our issue is that I don't think he quite gets what I mean and I don't know how to articulate myself further. I can't get him to understand the difference between sensual and sexual, why I don't get turned on just by the suggestion of sex, and that I need sensual nonsexual touches to really feel sexy and wanted. Even this description is not enough for him
Maybe try a movie night? Just you two on the couch. You sit in his arms sorta thing. Have him sorta love on you during the movie and just hold you. Can’t he do something simple like that?
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I'm sorry you're going through this. This is what I would do:

I fully believe that nothing will change while he's on porn, so make him choose between you and porn. Full stop. *(porn causes a LOT of sex problems. don't take my word for it, look it up)

Calmly, but clearly and firmly, make him understand that if this continues, it will lead to divorce. You deserve to have your basic needs met, including sexual needs. He is being selfish.

Create boundaries instead of withholding. Have sex with him, but when he does something selfish, end the session (you might want to explain this to him before putting it into effect). Walk away and stay away for more than just a few minutes. When you have both calmed down, be kind but be very firm in that his selfishness and one sided encounters are no longer acceptable.

Or, leave now, because if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting.
We have talked about his porn use. At first I agreed it would be unreasonable to cut him off completely but now idk. He was badly addicted when we first got together, he was sneaking off and watching at really inappropriate times. He went through withdrawals and everything, he severely cut back. His words were "my sex drive will be destroyed if I can't watch porn" which spoke volumes about how he felt about our relationship and we had a fight. That went nowhere because besides the sex, he is not good at solving problems where he is the one who has to change.
You may have shattered his confidence. Save up some money for a sex therapist. If he won't go, go without him. It's likely that this problem can be fixed, unless he wants divorce. A lot of guys really don't know what to do to please a woman. It's worse when their egos will not let them listen and learn.
Yes I have definitely hurt him. It's really difficult to sugar coat this topic while being honest. I have seriously been considering sex therapy, I'll save up and shop around. I'm sure this website has great recommendations for how to find a good one. I'm also concerned that I'm going to be the only one putting In effort again but this time it's expensive.
 
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