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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Please Help!!! Is There Marriage After An Affair?

My wife and I separated in Feb. 08 after two years of marriage, because she was having questions about our marriage. I felt the best thing to do was to give her space. Well, as it turns out, within a week of moving out another man swooped right in and swept her off her feet. This guy has been her friend since she was 6 yrs old and proposed to her a few weeks before I did, but I never know any of this until we split up. My wife would talk with this guy on the phone and through email even though I told her that it was wrong.

Now it has been 5 months since my wife and I separated and she wants to get back together. She is living with this guy right now, and wants to fix our marriage.

My main hesitation is that she has lied to me about her relationship with this guy. I caught her with him through snooping around her emails and phone calls. I can understand how she let things escalate with this guy...because we were separated, but she has lied to me about him and only confessed after I caught her.

Should I give her a second chance? To further complicate the issue I found out about her relationship with this guy when we were about to get back together. Obviously, once I found out about the relationship I backed off. Then she wanted to fix things and I gave her a second chance. She moved out of her apartment, moved in with me, and two weeks later ran off with this guy again. So, actually this will be a third chance, not a second chance.

My problem is this. I totally love her, and I know that she loves me. She is very confused, and has made a lot of horrible, hurtful decisions. I want to take a chance on her again, but I know that it is crazy. I am afraid she is not ready to fully commit to the marriage, which is why we had separated in the first place.

Please give me your perspective... Thanks.
 

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She is very confused and she cannot work on either relationship with one guy in the background. She has got to make a commit to one or the other and then leave the other guy alone--done. Then whomever she is with she has got to become transparent and hide nothing. She needs to seek a councelor to help her work through her feelings and help her become a better person all the way around. Can you trust her, not at the moment. Can you trust her again, through counceling and lots of commitment on her part yes, but she really has got to want to change and be with one or the other. Both guys need to back off and let her figure her life out. Right now, she is hurting for both of you and both guys are hurting too. She has unfinished emotional relationships with both of you and can not fix either until she devotes to one, or leaves you both. Just my opinion.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you for the great advice. I do agree. I have been trying to give my wife space and time, but she is trying so hard to pursue me, and she makes decisions so quickly.

She wants to come back home, but she is currently with the other guy. I am afraid she has no one else to turn to for help. I want her to take her time and make healthy decisions, but I know that she is so scared and unsure. I am afraid that if I step back when she is reaching out to me that she will not have anyone else to turn to, and she will just turn back to this other guy.

I am also afraid that if I take another chance on her she will just fall back into the same patterns and become comfortable and never work on her issues. She is so apprehensive about going to counseling, and she is never open or transparent with me.

It is so frustrating.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Please give me your advice. I really need outside perspective. I also have no one to turn to.

Please open your hearts and share your thoughts with me...
 

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I agree wholeheartedly with happilymarried67.

I understand where you are coming from in that if she has nowhere else to go she probably will go back to him. If I were in your position, I wouldn't just give her yet another chance unconditionally. I would make it clear that the goal is to work through all of the issues so you can both decide whether or not your marriage is worth salvaging at this point, starting with no further contact with the other man and counseling. I would probably put some sort of time-frame on it to reevaluate where things are at, say 1 year of working on it and re-evaluate in 1 year. Not that there is a time-frame you can set in advance, but at least to see what progress, if any, has been made. I would do this for myself so she knows 2 weeks is not a reasonable time to make rash decisions and bail out, because working on building your relationship will mean some rough times ahead but if she seriously doesn't have the capacity to work on it, you will continue to get beaten up in the process while she waffles back and forth.
 

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I forgave my Wife once for being untrue, because like you, I also love my Wife very much. A second or third time however sounds more like a game than a mistake to me. I would put an end to that like I do all her games, quick and without compassion.

I say, if there are no kids involved and you can handle it, let her go and let her become someone else's problem.
Some women like the conflict of having two guys after them and playing them off of each other.
Don't be fooled, it's all about her, she will want you when she's with him and him when she's with you.
 

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J.... she MUST make a choice and you have to point that out. Also let her know that you DO NOT want to put her in that position... however you can't be put out to dry like that with her being wishy washy.

Its good you love her that much. You need a secret weapon.
 

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Hi jsyffor, this is kind of a continuation of my previous post.
Sorry got cut off.
I am not good about taking others advice. I'm one of those learn the hard way type people.

Just something to ponder if you haven't already.
She knew this other guy since she was 6 years old, probably lied to you about their relationship (secret love affair/infatuation, whatever) since the beginning of your relationship and now is trying to get with you behind his back.

She will only hurt you, and I think that that little voice inside you knows this.

I put my Wife through hell trying to win back my trust, she is still trying. I am a nice guy though when deserved and not when it's not. She knows this and has finally begun to adjust her behavior accordingly.

Sometime people need help from them selves, bailing them out will only act like a safety net and encourage bad behavior to continue unchecked.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you all for sharing your advice. I have left the ball in her court and shared with her some steps she needs to take before we can begin working on the marriage.

First she must communicate with this guy and separate from him completely. I do not want anything left unsaid, and I do not want him being led on anymore. I know that he will fight for her...

Until then I am moving on with my life. I cannot continue to hold the door open to my heart while she lobs in grenades.

Thanks again for opening up to a stranger. I truly appreciate it.
 

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She won't end it with him. She will tell one, or both of you that she has - but given the length and breadth of the history, it will not be over.

I say keep your distance. Work on you. Find a counselor. Identify what you want from a relationship and marriage - then take a hard look at whether or not your wife fits the bill.

Being confused is neither a reason nor an excuse for harming someone you claim to love.
My cynnical definition of 'confused':
"I'm really only interested in what is going to work out best for me right now - and I haven't quite figured that out."

My advice is that you should be confused too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you all for your advice and perspective. I want other readers to learn from this post. It is okay to take the advice you get here.

You see, I did take my wife back. I even flew up to Portland, Oregon in order to drive the 10 hrs to bring her back home, and well sure enough, it has been one week since she has been home and I again snooped through her phone log and emails. She is still taking with this guy, and I even caught her trying to setup a meeting with her.

Needless to say I am greatful she has made it so easy for me. She is now gone for good. I guess I fell into the cliche of being too young and trying to make the other person be the person I want them to be. I am 25 and divorced. Sad, but live goes on...
 
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