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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well, I have finally decided that I am going to go Friday and file the divorce paperwork for my husband and I. For those who haven't read my previous posts, this marriage hasn't been about the two of us and our kids. It has been about the two of us, his ex wife, and our kids.

Long story short, when we first got married 4 yrs ago, things were great, but about a year into our marriage, his ex wife got him arrested for assault of a family member, which his kids both told me that it was their mom who was abusing, not my husband, and since then, things have drastically changed between us. He lost his job, went into arrears and has become this horrible monster that's abusive, emotionally and physically, who has intimidated me and blamed me for a lot of things.

He hasn't worked in almost 2 years now, and things have progressively gotten worse until the boil over during this past weekend. Friday night and Saturday night I spent away from home with my kids, came back late Saturday night and tried to make up Sunday with no success.

I knew I had a problem communicating with him. The reason is because every time I had tried in the past, it turned into a big fight between us. I got intimidated and scared because like I said, the fights have become a physical and emotional battle. It's gotten to the point where all of our kids say they're used to the constant fighting between us, his kids say they get fighting on all fronts, with their moms side and their dads side. I'm really upset at that, the kids don't deserve that.

Friday night, I decided that I would stick my neck out and come to him to try to open up about the finances. Since he doesn't work, I take care of everything, the bills, groceries, entertainment, etc. But he wants to know everything, which I can understand, but he gets angry when I tell him....same thing happened Friday night. I decided to stick my neck out and put myself in the line of fire and tell him about the bills I had paid, and I even told him about a situation with my dad where his bank had shut down and he had no cash and was asking me for a loan of $100 until Monday. When I told my husband, he got furious, refused to go get his kids, and even after I offered up the compromise that I wouldn't give the money to my dad so we could have it, he was still mad at me. (see how do you make up after a big fight)

Maybe I'm wrong, but the way I see it is that I took initiative and stepped out of my box to come forward and communicate with him to let him know what was going on, even though it scared me that he has exploded before on me when I have, and I got that again, so why would I want to go to him and communicate anymore.

So basically, Monday and Tuesday have been him and me going around the house almost avoiding each other. Last night, we have sex and it didn't feel right. Today, I call him to tell him that I love him and I am going to make chicken alfredo for dinner tonight for when he gets his kids for his visitation, and he tells me he's not getting them. He is tired of bringing them into the situation with a lot of fighting between us, and that if I can't learn to be a good wife, then maybe we should explore different options (he says I need to find another sucker I can con instead of him..) and left me in tears on the phone while I'm working, telling me that I need to thank God that I have a job and some people are unfortunate in that respect.

Because he is behind in his child support (in arrears), the court forced him into something called the Choices program, it was that or jail. It's kind of like when you file for unemployment, except more strict. They require you to do a job search, they told him he had to spend at least 30 hours a week searching jobs and such. He has done so, but he is telling me that he has applied to all the jobs he can in his field, and so now they're telling him that since he can't/hasn't applied to any more jobs, he is not in compliance with the court, and when he goes back in March, he's going to go to jail. His ex wife is determined she's going to put him in jail, she told their daughter that she's going to "put him in jail come March, no matter what she has to do.."

So ever since his first court date, he keeps telling his mother and me that we have to see the severity of his situation. But because we're not in that situation ourselves, we can't see the desperation of it all. He constantly reminds me that since I have a job, I take it for granted, and that I should be grateful that I have a job to go to every day. I am thankful, believe me, I do like my job very much. But I feel guilty that I have one and he doesn't.

Now he is telling me he will never see his kids again. He's telling me that he's going to sit at home and do nothing as long as I pay the bills and when the time comes in March, he will just go to jail and be done with it. I know he's tired of the situation, after 2 years, who wouldn't be. Actually, the ENTIRE situation has been longer than that, ever since his divorce from her, she has made his life hell. We have never enjoyed what a marriage should be, I've never in my life enjoyed what a marriage SHOULD be, and I've been married 3 times. I've never walked down the aisle, it's always been a JOP thing and I have always wanted to be the bride in the dress with the whole thing. I guess I will never attain that, I guess I just wasn't meant to have that. After marriage #3 I'm done getting remarried, I'm tired of getting hurt....husband #1 was physically abusive and cheating on me, husband #2 was an alcoholic whose dad molested my little girl when she was 5 yrs old, and he took his family's side against us and husband #3 I believe was a good man at one time, at least in his first marriage he was, but now is nothing more than an emotional and sometimes physical abuser.

The truth is, I love my current husband very dearly. I love him more than I have loved any other man in my life, save for my father. And I'm having to lose him. I know it's for the best, but in the end, I just wanted to have a good marriage, with a good man...I'm so lost and depressed, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel lonely and broken hearted...I'm drowning in a sea of my misery with no one that I can talk to that would understand....thanks for letting me vent.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Just adding to it, he has also used the fact that I've been married twice against me, telling me that maybe there's something wrong with me, maybe I need to evaluate myself and see why I would have two husbands that would do to me the things that any woman wouldn't want a husband to do. Maybe if I have so many failed marriages, the problem is me, not them. I'm just sorely depressed...
 

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If you do not mind me asking, how was your childhood? Any drinkers at all? I am very sorry you have had to endure all this in your life, no one should have to. I am also having issues in my marriage and am also personally very close to divorce so I can relate in that regard.

One thing that I did find interesting about your story is your history of men, doesn't seem like you have had the best luck. Some of us (myself included) tend to attract a certain type of person because of our own issues, mine is being codependent. You have a pattern in your life and while all these men are not right for what they have done to you, there seems to be a reoccuring theme.

While I feel for you in your current situation, it's important to reflect on self a little bit to see if this could be an issue.
 

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I don't remember if your last thread mentioned if he was in any kind of treatment for depression. If he isn't and won't go, then yes, filing for divorce is a good idea. I'm worried that you may trigger a suicidal or homicidal reaction in him, though. I say this because he's already saying he's going to give up his relationship with his children and go to jail, has demonstrated that his mind is turning to violent acts in order to cope, and I don't see where he has a whole lot of anything going FOR him in his life.

If he will get treatment, I hope you'll try to stick it out a bit longer, but if he won't, then please make sure you have a safety plan for you (and for him to the extent you can manage it).
 

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It seems that he is in depression. And basically he can’t help with bills. He needs help with depression first and well… you have to figure out on your own what to do with finances. If you approach to him with information about the bills like “we don’t have money and we have to pay here and there…” he feels even more helpless and it drives him down to his depression. And could be the roots of his depression are there in finances when the things started getting not good for him. Try to think what you can do. Don’t count on him right now. Think how you can make more money or save more money. Tell him that you will survive you’ll find a solution. If he would be doing better you maybe can approach to him like “we are doing ok, don’t worry we will handle it, but maybe we should think about better future and you plans for future”.
 

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Just adding to it, he has also used the fact that I've been married twice against me, telling me that maybe there's something wrong with me, maybe I need to evaluate myself and see why I would have two husbands that would do to me the things that any woman wouldn't want a husband to do. Maybe if I have so many failed marriages, the problem is me, not them. I'm just sorely depressed...
Yeah, the problem is your "husband picker" is broken!

Afraid that does not reflect as well on him as he seems to assume.

Get some IC, dig around into why the magnetic attraction to unhealthy men, get healthy, and look forward to a brighter future. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Nope, he's not getting help for depression, even though he is deeply in one...

Update, he got into a wreck where he got hit by a drunk driver, so now he has no car either. I have tried to make up for it by telling him that he can take me to and from work if he wants to use the car to get out or what have you, his mom has offered to take him places, let him use her car, and all of that, but he refuses. I did go file for the divorce, and even though I wish I didn't have to do it, it's all I could do to keep my sanity. Then on Saturday he decides to throw a fit and throw the trash can and break all of the DVD's because he tells me that he really did want to go get his kids, but even though he told me he didn't, I should have read his mind and known that he really did want to see the kids...*sigh* This is what I put up with on a daily basis..."Do what I want you to do no matter what I say..." and it gets harder to read his thoughts and realize what he wants...sorry to say, I think this marriage is truly over...
 

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Damiana, this is no way to live, how you have stuck it out this long is a wonder. While what his ex has done to him is terrible, he is dealing with things like a petulant child, and has taken things out on you. He should be appreciating your support. Filing is a step in the right direction, one day soon you will be free of all of this, hang in there.
 

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Just adding to it, he has also used the fact that I've been married twice against me, telling me that maybe there's something wrong with me, maybe I need to evaluate myself and see why I would have two husbands that would do to me the things that any woman wouldn't want a husband to do. Maybe if I have so many failed marriages, the problem is me, not them. I'm just sorely depressed...
I have heard this as well, from husband 2 and 3. My husband picker is evidently broken as well, so dont feel alone in this! I know exactly how you feel.
 

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I think you are right to file for divorce. No one should settle for physical abuse. I would seek out some personal counseling and stay single for a while. Then I would get back on the horse. Pay attention to red flags while you are dating and drop the guy as soon as one appears and keep doing this until you find someone without red flags. When you do find the right man have the wedding you always wanted.
 
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