[lovethatscorpio]

One lie after another, when does it stop

Like many other stories, this one too will be long. Sorry. ALthough Im not married to my 'hubby', we live together with 4 children. Originally, we started off as just 'buddies' & at the time, that worked for me as I just didnt want the hassle of a relationship. In saying that, we both knew there was no promise of fidelity & neither had an issue with that. Eventually, due to nice talks & laughs, we spent time together OUTSIDE of the bed & before we knew it, we were always together. This man was so quick to push not wanting a title or committment yet, he ended up being the one asking for more , wondering why I was distant.(I was trying to stop seeing him as I already sensed he had a lot of other females 'friends') Oh, almost forgot he and I work together, this only adds to this whole mess. Anyway, there were several talks & after weeks of back & forth, we decided to take a stab at the real TITLED relationship. Ok, as I come to find out later, there were SEVERAL women where we work with whom he had a similar situation with & are now angry & upset..with ME. SO over the next few wks, I get one story after another about who he was sleeping with & although I never thgt I was the only one, I wasnt prepared for the reality of the situation. It all came to a head when a woman at work approached me & told me HER story. She was nice enough about it but only decided to come to me after the previous night he told her they cldnt see one another & that was why he hadnt called or been to see her. In addition, my 'hubby' has a LONG history of lying & portraying himself to BE someone/something he is not. He is a TWIN & has a family history of being given 'passes' for just being a TWIN. I know,doesnt make sense but it is what it is. During all this, my children and his child are all becoming closer. Over night visits with the kids & such. Looking back, I know this wasnt the smartest move but I think I wanted the situation more than I ever cared to admit & outside of work? He was always different. He didnt put on the 'show' & I didnt have the feeling every woman was watching me. After all the drama filled weeks & bons falling out of his closet, we talked and shared soem secrets & fears & decided we would still be together because the incidents were before we decided to make things official. when asked why there were so many lies & women, he said because he wasnt concerned about anyone but himself. Never once did he deny once caught in the lie just that the lies are so intense and deep at times. So needless to say its been hard, we live together now, after counseling & many more 'incidents'. He is a loving man, when its just us he isnt performing & feeling the need to prove to all the guys he can get that next piece of...well you know. In addition, we are 8 years apart. I am older. I think this adds to my patience & may be the reasn we are still together. The counseling didnt help because he has always been so afraid to be him that he went thru the motions but wld tend to lie KNOWING I was sitting there & knew the truth. I know compared to many others that isnt anything but I love this man. Seems like there is something in him tho that makes him NEED attention regardless of where is comes from. I say this because thru this all, we've had several email situations where he is flirting with women in emails, IM's...txts. Always when we ourselves are going thru a trying time. The situations have been finding out he slept with his sisters best friend, that he has propositioned the women who works in our dept, or using My Space to speak to an ex. I know, horrible right? This does not include the oral favors that were also involved early on in the relationship. I just came right out & asked, what the hell is going on? Why be in a relationship if you want to do all these things. He gets defenseive & all but this is the thing... in his sleep he has cried....he fights... he talks to his brother & has anger & also he has issue with his mom. Seems like I am all over the board but I am just at my whits end, sick of when he feels panicked, he screws up & I'm always the one humilated and hurt. He wld FLIP if I did ANY of these things to him. And recently, he met his abusive father for the FIRST time. What happened after this? He IM a woman at work and slips her a note saying he wants to pinch her butt. Again.... I am stuck looking like the fool and crying in the bathroom because how do I keep holding US up when he won't address his need to lie or create situations to feed his need for attention? I have asked him if I am not enough, if our sex life is bad & he denies this, but like I told him, not like he is gonna say oh yes BUT at least I can put it out there & give him a chance to address things that are on his mind. We talked recently, REALLY talked... he admitted to several things & also said, that he was never held responsible for his actions. That he lived all his life lying & being angry at his family & even his TWIN which he is close to. His twin? Married the woman my 'hubby' dated in high school. Twisted right? But all in all, I need help. I love this man, we have the best times and the worst times. I know he loves me but I am beginning to think that know that he WANTS to admit his flaws & TRY being better I may not survive it all. Im just sick of the emotional betrayal AND the physical too. The past few months he has been careful to either explain time away or call me a lot of whatever, but I have never been that woman who requires that & I hate this. I feel like this has taken me from carefree woman to insecure woman. He SAYS he wont to try anything but at times gets angry because we have trust issues...Im like its because of him that we have these issues. Had he been the straight up guy he SAID he was, we wldnt be in these messes. But he lies, just dfor no reason at times & has often used these connections with other women as his chance to LIE basically. Doesnt see how its destroying me. Makes me feel bad for not trusting but most times now, I trust NOTHING just to be safe. Feel like I am going nuts.... I cant hold this 'family' together just for kids when he isnt adressing WHATEVER is going on inside him that makes him do these things. Marriage? We have discussed but he cant see why I dont think its a good idea at times. I need resolution to the chaos....If its about not having a dad, resolve it. If its about his self esteem, resolve it... because I am falling apart. Help? Advice?

 

[lovethatscorpio]

Sorry everyone, its sounds like a babbling mess, but I had to start somewhere. Thanks.

 

[bluebutterfly0808]

Sorry everyone, its sounds like a babbling mess, but I had to start somewhere. Thanks.

first of all, you have to quit apologizing for yourself! when you start doing this, you give yourself permission to be important, not only to yourself but to anyone else in your life! bottom line, where does HE think your relationship stands right now at this moment?

 

[Blanca]

alright here is my take on your situation.

As far as your H and his inclination to cheat and lie. Because you mentioned that right after he talked to his abusive father, for the first time, he then text a message to another women that tells me that he has an emotional addiction to the physical attention from other women. The physical is a fix to his emotional turmoil. It is an actual need for him. much like alcohol or any drug. this is his drug. You are dealing with an addict. Addicts lie. They have an underlying need and cannot face reality. Lies confuse the conscience and provide an avenue for disillusionment on the addicts part. What that means is, he cannot have a guilty conscience because he has told so many lies he does not know left from right. It is characteristic of all addicts to be compulsive liars.

What this means for you. You're going to have to accept that you cannot change him, control him, or make him honest. You do not have that kind of power. no matter how much you want to. You are going to have to accept that you are in control of your own happiness only, and that by 'taking it' from him you are allowing yourself to become the martyr. You can limit the affect his behavior has on you by learning to "accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and gain wisdom to know the difference."

I think you ought to buy the literature provided by al-anon. Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen Its directed towards spouse's of alcoholics but your behavior in this situation is the same as a person who is married to an alcoholic.

 

[lovethatscorpio]

first of all, you have to quit apologizing for yourself! when you start doing this, you give yourself permission to be important, not only to yourself but to anyone else in your life! bottom line, where does HE think your relationship stands right now at this moment?

He is talking more. He isnt sure where we are because I am not. He has asked & I've had no answer. He hasnt been anywhere and after our last conversation about openess, he has given me access to emails & such, I have been scared to access them. He already told me there will be things I dont like in them but that if he is trying to be honest rather than run, he needs to let me see this & act accordingly. I changed access to computers & such so he cldnt chng anything. I am the administrator on the computer so I can restrict & I feel bad but I actually figured out access to work because he is so predictable & made things where if he access' or sends non work related things, I will get a copy. So far nothing. Checked his history & nothing. i feel like scum that I am doing this & yet, I feel its necessary. He has admitted to me that when he feels EMOTIONALLY scared he does what he feels he can control and that is flirt & initiate sexual things. He asked me to take time before yelling or crying about something & this will help his panic & his FLIGHT and MESS UP reaction. He is truly a product of his environment. Someone said he is an addict so I a not trying to change him, but I know I am not ready to just walk away. I am truly trying to FIND my way....

 

[bluebutterfly0808]

you are not scum, but i know what you mean. it is just a surviving mechanism at this point. right now that's what you have to do because he has lost your trust. maybe when this stage of everything is over, you can work on the trust issue, but he needs to prove that it's time to do that.

it does seem as if he has taken a step in the right direction with being open about things without getting mad! your situation is very tough to be in & i give you a lot of credit for being strong enough to realize that he needs help with his problems.

keep you head up & hang in there. make sure you keep us posted!

 

[lovethatscorpio]

it does seem as if he has taken a step in the right direction with being open about things without getting mad! your situation is very tough to be in & i give you a lot of credit for being strong enough to realize that he needs help with his problems.

He does some times and others, he seems angry that trust isnt given back just because he is TRYING. I need him to DO. Trying just isnt cutting it anymore. He needs to step up, face his issues and be responsible for at least tackling the tasks at hand. At times, I feel he wants to be just TRUSTED until or if he messes up again and I cant seem to get him to understand it doesnt work that way. There are good days and bad days but its seems the most innocent of things, I wonder and question. I wish I didnt, but.. I do.

 

[lovethatscorpio]

Doesnt seem I know how to work that QUOTE feature too well but thanks Butterfly...you are truly helping.

 

[bluebutterfly0808]

i hope i'm helping even in the midst of my own turmoil! all i can say is that you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. just don't compromise yourself anymore in this situation! take things day by day. just keep telling him what you need in a non-confrontational way (i know, i know - it's hard to do!). maybe he'll eventually get it when you decide to not let things just slip back to where they were. tell him you are ready to move forward with certain changes & need to see an effort on his part to make changes. tell him you are still accepting him despite all of his screw-ups but that he has to be willing to work on your relationship. see how it goes!