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I married my 1st when I was 20.. he was 23. At the very 1st it wasn't very good. His sexual experiences were rare if at all. He resented my previous experience. After a little while it got better. Then I suffered two miscarriages. Still, it seemed ok.... but when I again got pregnant, all sex stopped until the baby was born. It wasn't discussed he just never initiated or accepted my initiating sex. After we resumed having sex though it was .. or seemed to be less. After our second child was born, things to a total different direction. And we did not have ANY form of sex after that. NOTHING... ZERO.. NADA. With each year I became more bitter. Add to that the occasionally flip-out.. with mental and verbal abuse that makes me want to throw up thinking about it. Anyway... I hung in there.. for 17 years. That's 17 year with NO SEX. I kept saying I was going to take a vow of celibacy and get credit for it. just prior to our 25 anniversary, I called it quits after hearing him chat with an online card playing partner... and finding out from my kids that he'd come home at lunch to call her. So, strike one for the extremely horny divorcee.

After divorce, I had a few relationships.. One was very intense, and extremely physical. The sex was AMAXING. But we lived on opposite size of the country, and he was married. Cest' la vie. Then I met G. and oh boy... my all time biggest thing was the reformed bad boy.... and G's pic was all over that in the dictionary. Smart, sexy, active, horny, and also very loving, very in love with me. He knew about the ex and he knew it messed my head up pretty bad. Bless his hear. he made sure that all the self-respect I'd lost ... I got back. He made sure that any insecurities were GONE. Then one night coming home from work I was passing by a CHP car and a sheriff's car parked just off the road about a 1/2 mile from home....G had hit a patch of loose gravel, .. into a tree ...

Today still, the devastation overwhelms me at times.

Now Im in a relationship with someone who has had five back surgeries, is on super major pain meds, and has had to have a stomach basically re-arranged due to all the pain meds messing with his digestive tract. He has also had his left hip "Pinned" .. not sure he needed that and it causes more pain. anyway, since that last surgery, in 2013 we have had sex a total of two times. In the last year, I think I've returned to the mess I was in after!1... and each day it gets worse. We now are in separate bedrooms, for a couple of reasons, but I see not reason to let him back here just to lay there and snore... Our sex .. when it was happening.. was fabulous. But now ZERO. He doesn't and won't talk about it... and whenever he thinks I might bring up the subject.. or when i do, he's always ready with the "Sex isn't the only part of a relationship".. and lately I want to bash his head with a bat because I know its just BS he uses so he won't feel bad .. and he hopes it would make me feel petty to expect it.

The one other point here... we're not married. I've been way past the end of my rope for about 6 months now. Its been so long I"m not sure I'd even want to have sex with him ... I"m so angry that if he did try.. I'm not sure if I could. Hate sex is bad... pity sex is bad ... duty sex is sad. And I don't know if I could imagine it being anything but one of those three.

I'm not unattractive.. I look a good 15 to 20 yrs younger than I am. I'm well educated and intelligent. I retired and we moved to the city where my kids live... and If it wasn't for those grandbabies, I would probably have gone straight into a padded cell... And now, I find myself making those little statements .. like "well its not like we're married"... and know those are about one thing... finding something .. or someone that would make my life better... cause I tell you.. right now it sucks BAD. I never thought that I"d be with ANOTHER sexless man... how stupid am I? I feel so bad because G worked so hard to get me over all those bad feelings... about myself. Now its gotten to the point that I am becoming a recluse (except for what I do for and with my grandkids). If it wasn't for them, i probably wouldn't get out of bed ... Yea... i'd say Im depressed. I probably know all the advice ... I've read the books.. done my research....none of it lends itself to fixing this. And its kinda difficult to even imagine that its worth fixing. But I'm tired .. and I see the rest of my life slipping away.. just like I did with #1.. and when i think about it .. i cry... Sorry its so rambling.... don't really have anyone that I can vent this to. I'd never put it on my daughters.... or my 90 yr old mother. Friends .. i know how they would react ... but nobody an fix this... except him.... and I don't think he wants to.... so I really know my answer.. my choies.... 1) suck it up and stay; 2) find a friend with benefits; or 3) make him leave. Right now, it all sounds like way too much work. for someone who wants to hide under the covers in a bedroom thats dark .. and stay there.... well.. that's for listening / reading....
 

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Listen, I am so sorry for what you have been through. And I understand that you have some tough choices to make.

But here is the deal, you know what you have to do. You have been mistreated sexually and denied too long, you cannot stay in this situation the way that it is.

If your current man is any kind of a man, he will understand, and if he does not, wall there is nothing you can do about that.

I too am a reformed bad boy for the most part. And my GF, had more than one relationship over time that was pretty much sexless or if they had sex it was bad.

I have had the pleasure of helping many women that made the mistake of picking that type of guy and having it ruin them. And I was able to help them over those issues, and frankly I am proud of that. Plus it was a LOT of fun.

Current GF is no different. She is beautiful, and I mean beautiful, sexy and with a little teaching, now she is fabulous is bed.

She never knew or let herself believe how beautiful and sexy she is. And I am actually trying to make up for all the sex she did not get have earlier in life. Besides us being completely in love, she is more sexually fulfilled than she ever has been.

You cannot go back to where you were, you just cannot, and you know it...
 

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I totally agree that sex isn't the only thing in a relationship. It is a thing though. I don't think you have a true relationship without it. Unless you both don't need it.

If it is important to you, obviously it is, you should not feel one bit bad about leaving this guy. Even if he was handling the situation in the most mature and loving way. which he is certainly not even close to doing, you still should not feel bad about leaving. He can't meet your needs for a relationship. Its that simple.

There are plenty of guys out there that will be thrilled to give you a fulfilling sex life. Don't pick to quickly. Shop around. Find the complete package. You sound like a good catch. I'm sure you can find a guy that checks all your boxes.
 

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I'm very sorry for what you have experienced.

For many people, sex is vital to happiness. There is nothing wrong with looking for a relationship with a good sex life or ending one that doesn't have one.
 
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