Talk About Marriage banner

One foot out the door 😞

45K views 504 replies 52 participants last post by  Violet28 
#1 ·
Hello everyone:

I’m a newbie here and really could use some help. Thanks in advance for all who pitch in. 🙂 I’ve been with my husband for going on 12 years. Dated for many years then got married at 7 years. This is my first marriage and his 2nd. He has two daughters (14 & 12) and I have one daughter (25). We have had many issues from his drinking, to temper, to not communicating, to guilty father issues along with a mini wife daughter who competes with me, financial irresponsibility, Cheated in the past, has been physically abusive in the past as well. The physical has stopped but during times of anger he has punched things or thrown things.

Issue one:
Most of our issues have stemmed from him not liking me setting boundaries and having say with discipline regarding his children which they need. Their mom is a mess. Divorced three times and now onto the next relationship. My husband is totally fine with me being a good step mom and doing all of the fun things with them but when it comes time for me to point something out or bring up an issue I’m the mean step mom. I don’t have a say in what goes on in our home without backlash and him getting angry at me and telling me “it’s just you”. Well no I’m sorry but you’re 12 year old still wanting to sleep with you and sit on your lap is an issue and it’s not just me. She’s VERY immature emotionally for her age and he isn’t helping with the constant babying and over coddling. He at first told me that he would sleep with his daughters at 25 if he wanted to once and I was like ok. That’s odd. I’m using this as an example of how he reacts when I bring something up. The sleeping has stopped after much going back and forth and him telling me to shush in my own home cause they’re sleeping. Everyone has to tip toe around them. Every other weekend when their here is hard. They’re good girls. I love them and they need guidance. So I have tried. I raised my daughter alone and we had a very different life growing to then the one try and provide to my step daughters and my daughter isn’t perfect but she’s a really good girl. She’s humble, respectful and appreciates the small things. Unlike his daughters who whine and complain about everything. The 14 year old has full control of him. He doesn’t even try to discipline anymore. He took her cell for inappropriate behavior and she disappeared for months. Didn’t want anything to do with us. He cried and always thinks he’s the worst father. He’s not. He spoils them and tries his best. Drops his plans whenever Their mom or they need or want. Including interfering with plans we have. It’s really out of control. So now their mom is moving them to another state and he’s of course having issues with that which is understandable. She called for his blessing and he e said no so she went and filed the court form anyway saying that he agrees with the move and she did this because she knows he has no back bone when it comes to her and the kids. She cheated and manipulated him their whole marriage and left him for another man. Has never stuck to the court ordered visitation, he has never made her so she doesn’t take him seriously. He cries when he drops them off and turns to beer and then keeps saying how much he misses them already.

It’s very unhealthy and I have told him he should talk to someone and he won’t. He says he would never do that. He doesn’t think he needs it and I’m the only one with problems. He says he only looks to the future.

Issue 2:
Anger, communication issues, entitlement, not facing reality. We can’t have healthy conversations cause he’s so shut down emotionally. He walks away in anger ever time I want to talk about something. Whether it’s positive or not so good. Our issues are all cause of me. He’s always saying if I wouldn’t bring things up we would be fine. That if I would just change my point of view and stop being so negative we would be fine. I feel like I’m always walking on egg shells and don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. It’s circles. He has even told me while I’ve sat in front of him crying and begging to talk and hear me that where am I gonna get? That I’m wasting my time. He gets upsets and walks away. We’ve NEVER not once had a conversation that has come to a resolution. I’m not over exaggerating either. Never. So our issues are still there. He just flipped out cause I brought up therapy
He said he’s never going and that I married the wrong person why do I want to bring our issues to a stranger/ That I can go if I want and that he’s always suggesting other ways around it like meditation yoga etc. I said those don’t fix our problems. He said you’re the only one with problems. I don’t have problems. I look to a better future.
He said I always bring up so much negative and I’m stuck
That I’m never positive and always have issues with everything. He said in so negative. That he had positive plans for us today but I just screwed it all up and slammed the door. He makes me feel like I’m crazy. I’m trying to save our marriage. I’m not crazy I said our issues are never resolved
He gets so angry with me and makes me feel like I’m nuts.

Issue 3:
Drinking. He typically drinks almost everyday or every other. Most of the time it’s not just one or two beers. Sometimes it’s two six packs. He has drunk and driven a lot before and I worry so much. His drinking has rubbed off on me and I drink sometimes now a lot during week to deal with it all. I’m allergic to wine and I still drink and am so sick the next day. He has said he would stop but he hasn’t. He has when drunk whisky in the past gotten belligerent over past conversations and things brought up about his kids. He has broken mirrors, pulled me off of a bed onto the floor and picked me back up and threw me on it. Has punched holes in walls. Most of those times I got no apology. If I wouldn’t have did or said what I said it wouldn’t have happened. When we were together after a year, he hit me so hard out of nowhere after a night of drinking. I fell to the ground and y dragged me down the hall by my legs while I was screaming and crying in shock. I had to get my back tooth taken out the next day. He hit me in the face and made my nose bleed. Most of this happened years ago and hasn’t happened in a long time but he still has anger. I don’t know why I walked away a long time ago. Guess I feel like I deserve it?

So now we’re at the point that his daughters are moving which are a problem for our marriage cause of disagreements and I was thinking wow I finally will have peace and maybe things will get better? But here I am finding myself wanting to leave him. Seems backwards to me. I guess I’m afraid he’s going to spiral in depression, go back to old ways and treat me like a punching bag.

We have some great times together and he can be the nicest guy. Breakfast in bed. Buys me what I want, is really handsome and funny and smart and I feel like We would be so good if he just met me halfway but he won’t budge. It’s his way or no way.

I know that I can be a worry wart and negative I was brought up in a very dysfunctional family and he was too but I’m not shut down emotionally like he is. He can be super emotional with other things like his kids to the point of crying but lacks it with me.

I’m not saying I’m perfect but I’m trying my best to be a good wife and step mom. I’ve done things with his children, have set special traditions things I never did with my daughter when she was that age but I still want to make things special for all of us and it never seems good enough for him the minute that I need to bring up a boundary or something that I think they need help with I’m a bad stepmom. There of been times that I would leave very seldomly for a few hours while the kids were here because I felt like a fourth wheel and he treats me very differently when they are around. The energy is very different. So I remove myself because I don’t want to be around that. And because of the two or three times I’ve done that in the last 12 years I’m “never around”. He has three older sisters and he was very spoiled when he was younger. His older sister has even told me many times that he’s a brat has to have his way and nothings ever good enough. I have major PTSD because of things that of happened in my past and with him the emotional and physical abuse and four miscarriages that I’ve had and sometimes it’s very hard for me when things happen. And I just need to talk and I need support and a lot of times it’s just why are you being so negative why can’t you just MoveOn etc. etc. and it makes me feel like I’m too dramatic or emotional or maybe too needy? Are used to be more of an extrovert and very fun and chatty and outgoing and I’m still very outgoing but have found that I am now more of an introvert and I don’t have much of a voice and situations even at work because I feel afraid that what I’m saying is wrong and that they will view me in a certain way. I feel like this is because he has tried to shut my voice down so many times in the last 12 years.

So here I am again with 1 foot out the door at a time that I thought I would never leave because his children are leaving and I thought maybe it would be an opportunity for us to really work on things and see where the issues really lied but I’m afraid that it’s not going to work he’s going to go back to old ways he’s going to not be very good to me he’s going to go into a depression and a funk and I’m going to be stuck here dealing with more of what I’ve dealt with in the past. Right now I’m feeling afraid, I’m feeling like I just want to be alone I want to work on myself I want to find who I am really supposed to be and just live life happy and with some peace of mind And not constant worry over my head. I am a tractive, I’m a good person and I have a very good heart, I have a very good job I have my life established financially and just maybe feel like it’s time to start over. I am 44 years old And scared to start over because what if I wind up being lonely for a long time or don’t have any wine or what if I make a mistake and would have missed out on things and things to change with him? Then what? But I know that I’m probably not being very rational with that thinking. I recently have gotten on Zoloft and before taking the Zoloft leaving wouldn’t even be a thought in my mind because I wasn’t thinkingBut now that I’m taking medication I am thinking more clearly and this is why I’m at where I’m at. I Went to see two apartments that I like very much and I got approved for and I can move into prior to September 1. I also would feel guilty leaving him here alone knowing that his daughters are moving out of the State and because I know that he can’t afford this house on his own. But I try to get him to move to a smaller place because we don’t need such a big home anymore and that we could work around with the girls visit but he doesn’t want to move he wants to stay here over paying rent when we don’t need all of the space. Another example of it’s all about him. So I know this is extra long and I’m probably all over the place because there is so much that is happened. I haven’t even included everything that is happened. But I really really need some input here. I also am very afraid how he will react if I do leave what if I am a statistic because he can’t handle it all? So I know I’m jumping the gun but I’m also scared. Can any of you please please offer me some advice on if I should stay and try to work it out if I am the issue or if I should pack my bags run and never look back? I appreciate all of your help in advance. Thank you so much for reading all of my craziness.
 
See less See more
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top