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So then why do you call him? Just stop. He'll get the message.

I know you can't help but reply so only type " We aren't good for each other. I am no longer willing to be in any kind of relationship with you. We no longer need to talk about anything. I will be filing for divorce. "

I've said this before but you keep texting and talking with him and then you come back worried. Stop communicating with him. DO not let him in your apartment. Anytime he sends you something type "We aren't good for each other. I am no longer willing to be in any kind of relationship with you. We no longer need to talk about anything. I will be filing for divorce."
 

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Discussion Starter #482
Hi! i didn't call him. I texted to apologize for my end and did take the call from him which was a 2 minute conversation. Again, just wanting to be respectful and cordial.
 

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Screw being cordial. Stop picking up his calls... we have told you to block him. Then you don’t even know if he reaches out. Stop communicating because he will end up manipulating you like he always does. Be smart enough to see it for what it is. You’re doing better but are too close to the edge still.






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Hi! i didn't call him. I texted to apologize for my end and did take the call from him which was a 2 minute conversation. Again, just wanting to be respectful and cordial.

Stop lying to yourself. You're doing this to keep the drama going. You don't want to be rid of him - you just want him to dance to your tune.
 

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Hello everyone:

I’m a newbie here and really could use some help. Thanks in advance for all who pitch in. 🙂 I’ve been with my husband for going on 12 years. Dated for many years then got married at 7 years. This is my first marriage and his 2nd. He has two daughters (14 & 12) and I have one daughter (25). We have had many issues from his drinking, to temper, to not communicating, to guilty father issues along with a mini wife daughter who competes with me, financial irresponsibility, Cheated in the past, has been physically abusive in the past as well. The physical has stopped but during times of anger he has punched things or thrown things.

Issue one:
Most of our issues have stemmed from him not liking me setting boundaries and having say with discipline regarding his children which they need. Their mom is a mess. Divorced three times and now onto the next relationship. My husband is totally fine with me being a good step mom and doing all of the fun things with them but when it comes time for me to point something out or bring up an issue I’m the mean step mom. I don’t have a say in what goes on in our home without backlash and him getting angry at me and telling me “it’s just you”. Well no I’m sorry but you’re 12 year old still wanting to sleep with you and sit on your lap is an issue and it’s not just me. She’s VERY immature emotionally for her age and he isn’t helping with the constant babying and over coddling. He at first told me that he would sleep with his daughters at 25 if he wanted to once and I was like ok. That’s odd. I’m using this as an example of how he reacts when I bring something up. The sleeping has stopped after much going back and forth and him telling me to shush in my own home cause they’re sleeping. Everyone has to tip toe around them. Every other weekend when their here is hard. They’re good girls. I love them and they need guidance. So I have tried. I raised my daughter alone and we had a very different life growing to then the one try and provide to my step daughters and my daughter isn’t perfect but she’s a really good girl. She’s humble, respectful and appreciates the small things. Unlike his daughters who whine and complain about everything. The 14 year old has full control of him. He doesn’t even try to discipline anymore. He took her cell for inappropriate behavior and she disappeared for months. Didn’t want anything to do with us. He cried and always thinks he’s the worst father. He’s not. He spoils them and tries his best. Drops his plans whenever Their mom or they need or want. Including interfering with plans we have. It’s really out of control. So now their mom is moving them to another state and he’s of course having issues with that which is understandable. She called for his blessing and he e said no so she went and filed the court form anyway saying that he agrees with the move and she did this because she knows he has no back bone when it comes to her and the kids. She cheated and manipulated him their whole marriage and left him for another man. Has never stuck to the court ordered visitation, he has never made her so she doesn’t take him seriously. He cries when he drops them off and turns to beer and then keeps saying how much he misses them already.

It’s very unhealthy and I have told him he should talk to someone and he won’t. He says he would never do that. He doesn’t think he needs it and I’m the only one with problems. He says he only looks to the future.

Issue 2:
Anger, communication issues, entitlement, not facing reality. We can’t have healthy conversations cause he’s so shut down emotionally. He walks away in anger ever time I want to talk about something. Whether it’s positive or not so good. Our issues are all cause of me. He’s always saying if I wouldn’t bring things up we would be fine. That if I would just change my point of view and stop being so negative we would be fine. I feel like I’m always walking on egg shells and don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. It’s circles. He has even told me while I’ve sat in front of him crying and begging to talk and hear me that where am I gonna get? That I’m wasting my time. He gets upsets and walks away. We’ve NEVER not once had a conversation that has come to a resolution. I’m not over exaggerating either. Never. So our issues are still there. He just flipped out cause I brought up therapy
He said he’s never going and that I married the wrong person why do I want to bring our issues to a stranger/ That I can go if I want and that he’s always suggesting other ways around it like meditation yoga etc. I said those don’t fix our problems. He said you’re the only one with problems. I don’t have problems. I look to a better future.
He said I always bring up so much negative and I’m stuck
That I’m never positive and always have issues with everything. He said in so negative. That he had positive plans for us today but I just screwed it all up and slammed the door. He makes me feel like I’m crazy. I’m trying to save our marriage. I’m not crazy I said our issues are never resolved
He gets so angry with me and makes me feel like I’m nuts.

Issue 3:
Drinking. He typically drinks almost everyday or every other. Most of the time it’s not just one or two beers. Sometimes it’s two six packs. He has drunk and driven a lot before and I worry so much. His drinking has rubbed off on me and I drink sometimes now a lot during week to deal with it all. I’m allergic to wine and I still drink and am so sick the next day. He has said he would stop but he hasn’t. He has when drunk whisky in the past gotten belligerent over past conversations and things brought up about his kids. He has broken mirrors, pulled me off of a bed onto the floor and picked me back up and threw me on it. Has punched holes in walls. Most of those times I got no apology. If I wouldn’t have did or said what I said it wouldn’t have happened. When we were together after a year, he hit me so hard out of nowhere after a night of drinking. I fell to the ground and y dragged me down the hall by my legs while I was screaming and crying in shock. I had to get my back tooth taken out the next day. He hit me in the face and made my nose bleed. Most of this happened years ago and hasn’t happened in a long time but he still has anger. I don’t know why I walked away a long time ago. Guess I feel like I deserve it?

So now we’re at the point that his daughters are moving which are a problem for our marriage cause of disagreements and I was thinking wow I finally will have peace and maybe things will get better? But here I am finding myself wanting to leave him. Seems backwards to me. I guess I’m afraid he’s going to spiral in depression, go back to old ways and treat me like a punching bag.

We have some great times together and he can be the nicest guy. Breakfast in bed. Buys me what I want, is really handsome and funny and smart and I feel like We would be so good if he just met me halfway but he won’t budge. It’s his way or no way.

I know that I can be a worry wart and negative I was brought up in a very dysfunctional family and he was too but I’m not shut down emotionally like he is. He can be super emotional with other things like his kids to the point of crying but lacks it with me.

I’m not saying I’m perfect but I’m trying my best to be a good wife and step mom. I’ve done things with his children, have set special traditions things I never did with my daughter when she was that age but I still want to make things special for all of us and it never seems good enough for him the minute that I need to bring up a boundary or something that I think they need help with I’m a bad stepmom. There of been times that I would leave very seldomly for a few hours while the kids were here because I felt like a fourth wheel and he treats me very differently when they are around. The energy is very different. So I remove myself because I don’t want to be around that. And because of the two or three times I’ve done that in the last 12 years I’m “never around”. He has three older sisters and he was very spoiled when he was younger. His older sister has even told me many times that he’s a brat has to have his way and nothings ever good enough. I have major PTSD because of things that of happened in my past and with him the emotional and physical abuse and four miscarriages that I’ve had and sometimes it’s very hard for me when things happen. And I just need to talk and I need support and a lot of times it’s just why are you being so negative why can’t you just MoveOn etc. etc. and it makes me feel like I’m too dramatic or emotional or maybe too needy? Are used to be more of an extrovert and very fun and chatty and outgoing and I’m still very outgoing but have found that I am now more of an introvert and I don’t have much of a voice and situations even at work because I feel afraid that what I’m saying is wrong and that they will view me in a certain way. I feel like this is because he has tried to shut my voice down so many times in the last 12 years.

So here I am again with 1 foot out the door at a time that I thought I would never leave because his children are leaving and I thought maybe it would be an opportunity for us to really work on things and see where the issues really lied but I’m afraid that it’s not going to work he’s going to go back to old ways he’s going to not be very good to me he’s going to go into a depression and a funk and I’m going to be stuck here dealing with more of what I’ve dealt with in the past. Right now I’m feeling afraid, I’m feeling like I just want to be alone I want to work on myself I want to find who I am really supposed to be and just live life happy and with some peace of mind And not constant worry over my head. I am a tractive, I’m a good person and I have a very good heart, I have a very good job I have my life established financially and just maybe feel like it’s time to start over. I am 44 years old And scared to start over because what if I wind up being lonely for a long time or don’t have any wine or what if I make a mistake and would have missed out on things and things to change with him? Then what? But I know that I’m probably not being very rational with that thinking. I recently have gotten on Zoloft and before taking the Zoloft leaving wouldn’t even be a thought in my mind because I wasn’t thinkingBut now that I’m taking medication I am thinking more clearly and this is why I’m at where I’m at. I Went to see two apartments that I like very much and I got approved for and I can move into prior to September 1. I also would feel guilty leaving him here alone knowing that his daughters are moving out of the State and because I know that he can’t afford this house on his own. But I try to get him to move to a smaller place because we don’t need such a big home anymore and that we could work around with the girls visit but he doesn’t want to move he wants to stay here over paying rent when we don’t need all of the space. Another example of it’s all about him. So I know this is extra long and I’m probably all over the place because there is so much that is happened. I haven’t even included everything that is happened. But I really really need some input here. I also am very afraid how he will react if I do leave what if I am a statistic because he can’t handle it all? So I know I’m jumping the gun but I’m also scared. Can any of you please please offer me some advice on if I should stay and try to work it out if I am the issue or if I should pack my bags run and never look back? I appreciate all of your help in advance. Thank you so much for reading all of my craziness.
He sounds very selfish and the fact that he can't open up to you and talk must be so frustrating. If he's not willing to meet you half way then I think you should leave him. The violence when he's drinking is scary. It doesn't sound like you are happy at all. I would tell him all the things that need to change , and that if he isn't willing to try that you are leaving him. I wish you all the luck in the world.. hope you find your happiness..
 

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Discussion Starter #487
Blondilocks you’re wrong, very wrong.

Open minded, I’m a good woman. I am good to him. I have a great job, am attractive, have been good to his kids, his family. I’m not sure what you mean by for whatever reason if Benefits him to stay with me? I don’t get what you’re saying.


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Thank you! Yes, I have seen two counselors. Both for a short time but both did say my feelings were valid and I could either leave or have him come to therapy but as you read, he refuses. I just feel confused. I know that I can be needy and insecure and wonder if it’s me? That if I didn’t always need to talk about issues if it would be better? Then thinking what if I make a mistake? But then I think what kind of mistake? He shuts me down. Has physically abused me in the past. I know some of our arguments in the past were cause we were both drinking and I would bring up infidelity but I don’t think that warrants physical abuse. But when he drinks now I’m scared. Scared to say anything that would set him off which can be the smallest innocent thing sometimes, worried that he’s going to burn the house down cause he’s cooking while drunk before bed, etc. I’m scared of what will happen once the girls move. Will it be worse or better cause he’s finally humbled? I don’t think so though Cause many things have happened that would humble someone but not for him. He thinks he’s invincible and can’t be touched. He has a warped sense of self. Always says that would never happen. Sometimes I think I’m too much of a pessimist and he’s falsely too optimistic? Again, is it me? What if he winds up with a women who is secure, doesn’t need validation or to talk? Or is that silly? I can move out this weekend if that’s what I decide to do. I know it’s sudden for him but I feel like he also has brought all of this on himself. I will worry that he’ll spiral and will drink more than ever and something bad happen but I can’t control him. I’m very afraid of what I said above but something is telling me to go. I’ve never had this much of an urge or feeling to leave before. Now that his kids are leaving and I feel the need to go. Just feel like there’s something behind it.

What do you think?
The only words I need to hear is, he's been physically abusive in the past..

That's it that's the dealbreaker, that's the boundary you allowed to be breached.

All the other stuff is fluff, that's how abusers keep human relationships they serve you breakfast in bed and go to tons of effort in order to make up for the very toxic behavior that's displayed at other times.. But toxic behavior always resurfaces.

If you feel strongly you want this relationship to work about the only thing that you could do is get into counseling.
Short of that I think that I would consider calling this, what it is. Something extremely toxic and maybe even dangerous in the long run.

All that being said I spent enough time talking to girlfriends to know, that the big thing with women is to vent get it off their chest and then go right back to the bad relationship there currently involved in.. I hope that is not you
 

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Discussion Starter #489
Thank you @cowgirl. I am talking to a therapist weekly for the last month. She and this forum are helping a ton. I’m making my way. Farthest and longest I’ve been without him.

Only thing making me feel bad is not letting him come back and springing it on him a few days ago. I mean, I’ve been telling him I want him to move. I knew when I sent him to his families my plan was to change the locks and I did.

But now he’s out and suddenly wondering how or why I’m doing this to him out of nowhere. So yes, I feel bad and am struggling with that.


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Just do not reply to the texts, that’s another way of trying to manipulate and weaken your resolve. You said what you wanted to say.
it is hard. These will be the hardest months in front of you, a lot of doubts, tears, anxiety about the future, but you need to stay your course.
And once this is all over, you will take a deep breath and find yourself free.
do not run for another guy right away. Focus on yourself, find yourself again.
 

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Discussion Starter #491
Thank you for the support and kind words @WandaJ

It is hard. He just sent me a pic of a flight for two to fort Myers next Thursday to Sunday. That makes me sad. That’s one of our fave vacay spots that we go to once a year.

It makes me sad that he would do that.

Also makes me think he’s not taking me seriously and thinks everything is fine.


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9 months later and all I have to do is skip to the last page of 500 posts to come to the conclusion that nothing’s changed.
But it doesn't help if you don't read any of the posts. They aren't together, now. That was then, this is now.
 

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Thank you for the support and kind words @WandaJ
It is hard. He just sent me a pic of a flight for two to fort Myers next Thursday to Sunday. That makes me sad. That’s one of our fave vacay spots that we go to once a year.
It makes me sad that he would do that.
Also makes me think he’s not taking me seriously and thinks everything is fine.
Actually, what I think he is doing is to emotionally manipulate you to do what HE wants.
Look, you can blame yourself on this, and you can blame him if you want.
The reality of this is that you are not good for each other. You SHOULD NOT put up with any sort of physical abuse. The VERY FIRST time he hit you, he should have made appointments for counseling and anger management. THAT would have showed you he was sorry, not words. ACTIONS, not talking to you about watching youtube videos.
Him saying you are making him homeless -- emotional manipulation. Him saying "I WOULD never have done this to YOU" -- emotional manipulation to make you feel guilty.

Keep to your IC, keep on your meds, detach from him as much as you can. Do the 180 with him to help yourself detach. He will be fine. You need to make sure you will be fine.
Only thing making me feel bad is not letting him come back and springing it on him a few days ago. I mean, I’ve been telling him I want him to move. I knew when I sent him to his families my plan was to change the locks and I did.
But now he’s out and suddenly wondering how or why I’m doing this to him out of nowhere.
You TOLD him that you wanted him out before this. He just didn't believe you and now that you HAVE your boundaries and are sticking to them, he doesn't like it.
Him saying "you did this to him out of nowhere" --- emotional manipulation to make you feel guilty and do what he wants. You warned him, yes? You told him for how long that you wanted him to move. He just thought that he'd get you to cave. You didn't, so now he's trying to figure out a way back in. Stick to your guns.
 

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Thank you @cowgirl. ...

Only thing making me feel bad is not letting him come back and springing it on him a few days ago. I mean, I’ve been telling him I want him to move. I knew when I sent him to his families my plan was to change the locks and I did.

But now he’s out and suddenly wondering how or why I’m doing this to him out of nowhere. So yes, I feel bad and am struggling with that.


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It's FAR from out of nowhere and he knows exactly why you did what you did.
The airplane ticket BS is him playing you just as he always has.
You truly need to stop pontificating over "what he thinks". What he thinks is If he manipulates you enough he can go back to using and abusing you just like he did before.
 

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Discussion Starter #499
Hello, I hope that everyone is doing well and safe and healthy. I’ve been missing for a bit because I’ve been going through some things and processing everything that is happening. For an update, I did let him come back to stay with the ultimatum that he had to find a place by June 1 for him and what his daughters come to visit for the summer.

I know that you all advised against me doing that but it’s something that I had to do for myself. I couldn’t put someone out like that especially knowing that he wouldn’t do it to me. So please respect my way of doing it.

Like you Have all said and like I thought, That he wasn’t really going to do it or that he really wasn’t going to leave. Well, he did. He moved out today.

He moved to the neighborhood that his daughters wanted to live in for social status and can’t even afford it even though I suggested to move to somewhere more affordable because there’s no guarantee that the girls are going to stay and why is he going to strap himself for where his kids want to live? Why is the adult parent can’t he make a smart decision for everybody? This is one of the main reasons amongst other things that we couldn’t be together which you all know.

He went to court for his last DUI and they made him wear a monitor bracelet for 40 days. So he hasn’t been drinking for about a month.

Of course things have been wonderful and he has been so good the last month we have gotten along great so today is extra hard.

Because I’m holding onto that. And now I’m regretting making him move because I did see this good side of him.

I am absolutely crushed to the core, I’m crying so hard I don’t know what to do with myself. This hurts so bad.

Did I make a mistake? Or are the odds superstrong that he’s going to revert to his old ways after they remove his bracelet?

I’m so messed up right now. I knew it would hurt but I had no idea it would hurt this bad. If he was still a jerk before he left it would be so much easier for me but he was it he was so good.

So please talk to me because Im in a really bad place right now.

Thank you.


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Discussion Starter #500
Hi:

Bumping this one up because I really need to talk. I’m having a really hard time and have no one to talk to.


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