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When we let chaos win, we lose everything, including the will to live.

There is an 'air' about us. Even when windy it feels thick as thieves.

Robbing us of our freedom, our finances, our whole way of life.

It is making wealthier Westerners feel like those poor folks in those far-off ramble-shack places.

I know of its making and can only sit idly by while it runs its course, runs its blade, through all our heartlands.

This mind plague usually leads mankind into Great Wars. It is yet at some beginning, the middle yet to come.

The ending is always that ruin, that place of great woe and destruction.

I hope this 'air' is short lasting.


King Brian-
 

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I know you didn’t leave me here. This is such horrible timing. With the new virus orders in place of stay indoors.

He has no car, nowhere to stay other than hotel. So I shouldn’t feel bad but I am who I am and it’s hard not too.

So what would you all do? Still put him out or wait till it’s over? Supposed to me April 6th.

I can be strong but I do feel bad. Help me be logical here please.


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What kind of man won't support himself and his wife enough to get his own car or at least figure out transportation. He's a user, he's been using you for awhile now, and he knows that all he has to do is browbeat you into feeling guilty and you stop standing up for yourself. He does it because IT WORKS. So stop letting it work.

If you lose your job, file for unemployment; the government is giving $600 extra each week, I think; you will be fine. Start looking up organizations that can help you like United Way or Good Will. All the grocery stores are hiring; Amazon is hiring; you'll be ok. You just have to believe in yourself.

Tell me this: Did your parents raise you expecting you not to be able to handle yourself? Doubtful. Rise up to your capabilities, ok? You can do this.
 

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Discussion Starter #363 (Edited)
Hi thank you! I’ve been MIA as I’ve been called to work and am having anxiety about that.

He does his share, pays rent, cooks, cleans, etc. but I know he’s using me to some extent.

As far as transportation, after his DUI and losing driving privileges, I didn’t take him to work or drive him around. Didn’t care to. This is a first for me which shows that I’m over it.

We’re under stay at home order until May 1st. I hate more than ever being stuck here with him.

I’m ready to be alone. My mind is made up.

I feel terrible saying this but I can’t stand him. I can’t stand his face, his voice, his presence. I want peace.

Not only that, I’m afraid for my safety while he is here. He’s lost so many things. Hasn’t seen his daughters since Christmas l. Doesn’t have a car. Doesn’t have a job cause they are shut down. What if he snaps?

I don’t know anxiety is kicking my butt.

So now I feel really stuck.

Please stay with me here. I need encouragement.

Hope you’re all health and well.


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Discussion Starter #364
Hi!

So today I’m having a bad day. PTSD and OCD in full force. Because of the emotional and physical abuse in the past and current. I’m angry and haven’t been kind. He knows I want him gone. I expressed to him today that I’m upset cause he said he always starts out the day positive and I ruin it. Well why do I ruin it? Cause I’m angry. How can I be pleasant.

I said your days always start out great cause you don’t have ptsd from things I’ve done to you. He said the things I’ve done to you that you led me to. I said no woman ever wants to feel this way so why would they lead anyone to treat treatment and it’s abusive that he thinks I caused the treatment.

He said because I try and force conversations and he tells me to stop and I don’t and keep pushing and pushing that I make him snap.

I just can’t believe he actually believes this.

I told him, him telling me I brought the treatment on myself is abusive. He said me telling him he’s abusive is abusive.

He just yelled so loud and told me to shut the eff up. Then hit his head on the wall. Said this is exactly how he wanted his day to go.

I just want him gone so bad. He won’t leave. Says he paid rent. I said I’ll give the money back. He said me saying that is abusive.

I feel so stuck. His family doesn’t want him there. Then he has me feeling like I did something wrong.


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This makes you feel like you did something wrong? The only thing wrong here is you still letting him do this to you. Don't take any money for may's rent and tell him to get out. The landlord said he needed notice to change the locks. Great tell him you'd like them changed May 1st. Call the cops and have them watch while he gets his stuff out. I'm sure there are some numbers in your area you can call for free advice try the domestic violence hotline.
 

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Discussion Starter #366
Thank you.

He said cause I kept pressuring to talk and stand over him and raise my voice. It never starts with my voice raised it always starts calmly. Then he says something mean and it escalates but I’m never yelling to be mean I’m speaking loudly out of frustration.

That’s the only bad thing I’ve ever done. Beg and sometimes demand to be respected and talked to. Raised my voice while at it. I don’t think that warrants physical tantrums and abuse.

He just left. His friend is picking him up and he has 4 beers that he’s taking. I said do not come back here drunk. I said you stay there. I asked for my key and he won’t give it to me. He said he doesn’t wanna not have a home to come back to.

I’m chain locking the door so he can’t come in and if he tries I’ll call the cops.

So he won’t leave the key and he’s not listening to social distancing. I guess I can’t complain about that. I just want him gone.

Then he hit his head on the wall out of anger and there’s a dent there. What if something bad happens like he has a concussion and doesn’t know it? I mean he did this to himself but we all know that I’m a worry wart about everything.

I so wish I would have listened to you all in October when you said don’t give him a key don’t let him there. My life would be much different. Probably still hurting and questioning if it’s my fault cause he blames me for being so negative but free of this and healing nonetheless.

So what now?


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Who the F cares if he gets a damn concussion?? Maybe you’d luck out and he’d forget where you live! Jesus, girl, get over it.. he is a total waste of skin.




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Discussion Starter #368
I know it’s just me worrying like if he gets so drunk and then has that and doesn’t wake up? I wouldn’t know cause he won’t be here.

Irrational, I know.

I’m trying. I’m feeling more at peace being alone here. Still feel bad as if i caused this.

Being an abused woman has really taken away all of my self confidence and I worry about And question everything.

It’s a horrible feeling.


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Here's something you can do right now. Find Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Bancroft and start reading it. Tonight.
 

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Discussion Starter #370
Turnera I have that book. I’ve read it once. Thank you for the reminder. I’m getting it out right now. I think I hate it because I never wanted him to find it. I hope that I can find it now wish me luck


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Discussion Starter #371
Hi I found the book.

He got here at 4am and called me to let him in even though I told him to NOT come back here. I said don’t bother cause I had the door double kicked with chain and another door lock I have for extra security.

I was so upset and felt so disrespected. On top of that though all of his things are here and I didn’t want a scene caused out of my apartment door. Not making excuses just how I feel.

He’s passed out now and I can get the key. I’m thinking a waste of time cause even if he couldn’t get in he’s still going to do what he did last night.

I feel so damn stuck and put in a spot. Like it’s out of my control. I wish he would just go and stay at his families. Like just go! He has so much pride and is a **** and won’t apologize when he should but he doesn’t have pride to get the hell out of my place!

His family doesn’t want him there cause we’re in the city and have high COVID cases and they live in small town where only very few cases.

So what do I do? Like this is out of control.

Do I take the key? What is that gonna do? He clearly doesn’t listen. But again he “lives” here. But he doesn’t.


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He lives there because you keep letting him in. Take the key, put his stuff outside, and be done. same advice as every other time you have asked.
 

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Now? During the quarantine?


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If that question was directed at my post above it, my answer is an emphatic HELL YES!

He isn't your problem and if he had left when asked or if you had given him the boot any one of the many times you should have he would have already been gone. Quit being the KISA and let him deal with being an adult.
 

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...
He got here at 4am and called me to let him in even though I told him to NOT come back here. I said don’t bother cause I had the door double kicked with chain and another door lock I have for extra security.
...
He’s passed out now and I can get the key. I’m thinking a waste of time cause even if he couldn’t get in he’s still going to do what he did last night.

I feel so damn stuck and put in a spot. Like it’s out of my control. I wish he would just go and stay at his families. Like just go! He has so much pride and is a **** and won’t apologize when he should but he doesn’t have pride to get the hell out of my place!
...
So what do I do? Like this is out of control.

Do I take the key? What is that gonna do? He clearly doesn’t listen. But again he “lives” here. But he doesn’t..
Take his key.

Rent a storage space for one month, pack his things, place the boxes in the storage unit, and leave the key to the storage unit taped on the door (with the door locked and him outside) and write a note that says, “I told you I wanted you gone. Your things are here (name of storage place) unit # X.”

The end.

He is a grown man with means to support himself and he can stay in a motel for a couple days to figure out a place to stay.

You BLOCK his phone number, remove him from all social media, and delete him from email.

In other words stop “talking” and start acting. You have a busy day—so get going.


P.S. I'm going to keep typing this until you do it. All the other "reasons" you keep coming up with about why you can not act (like "it's how I feel" or "even during the quarantine" are B.S. He should be OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!

Get his key. Today. Right now.
Pack his things. Today. Right now.
Get him out. Today. Right now.

P.S.S. I think this is the fourth time I typed these exact words to you. How about if you actually DO IT this time? Take action.
 

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He can go live with one of his booze-hound buddies. Why would it be hard to do that? He prefers their company to yours anyway.
 

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Discussion Starter #378
I’ve tried to tell him that. He says he can’t cause the ones house is under construction and the other said no.


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In the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, there is one line that kind of summarizes EXACTLY what a boundary is:

"I am not willing to pay the price for YOUR choices."

In other words, if he chooses to be an alcoholic, you are not willing to pay the price of covering up his alcoholism, or dealing with his alcoholism, or hearing his alcoholic ranting and raving, etc. etc. etc. If HE chooses to drink, then HE deals with the price of drinking.

Does this make sense to you?

Yes, every choice has a cost and a benefit. He wants all the benefits without having to ever pay the cost. He wants you to pay the cost for HIS choices!

If he wants the benefit of a nice home to live in and a pleasant life partner--the cost would be that he must treat you kindly and with equal respect.

If he wants the benefit of drinking as much as he wants, whenever he wants, with whoever he wants to DO whatever he wants--the cost would be that he can not stay with you or have a nice home or pleasant life partner.
 
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