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I didn't come here to get scolded or to be made to feel a certain way. I'm truly struggling so if you could please not be so harsh I would appreciate it.
Okay. I'll approach this from a detached, logical angle. You came here seven months ago. People offered advice and support. You would follow up by saying something along the lines of, "Yes, I know I'm [fill in the blank]."

Next, you would say he was making you feel a certain way. When you agreed you had to be responsible for your feelings, you would revert to lots of questions along the lines of, "What should I do?" or "Can anyone support me?" or "How should I proceed with the information you have provided?"

AGAIN, we would offer support and advice. AGAIN, you would say you are struggling. Nothing changes. Surely you must see that. You should also realize that you are frustrating everyone who has tried to help, because of what has become your standard operating procedure - since you started this thread - is to have a meltdown, ask for advice, blame yourself, blame him, then start all over again.

I'm just telling you that nobody online has the power to help you or give you the support you need. Why? Because YOU DON'T TAKE ONE SINGLE CONCRETE ACTION TO IMPROVE YOUR OWN CIRCUMSTANCES.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true. You either get yourself unstuck or you stay stuck. Your life. Your choice.
 

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And, P.S., just to prove what I'm saying is right: Across the board, you were told by many posters not to give your loser husband a key to your new apartment when you moved. You never came out and said you gave him a key, but as you posted, it was evident YOU GAVE HIM A KEY TO YOUR APARTMENT.

Then you started moaning and groaning about how you couldn't get him out. Okay. You were told, again, by a number of posters how to proceed. Lots of advice, lots of support. AGAIN, you came back complaining you couldn't get rid of him and you needed support.

Lady, we are just regular people on the internet. We don't have the ability to give you the support you need, obviously.

Either rent a storage locker, dump his crap in it, and change the locks on your doors or just live with your overly-dramatic looney situation. Please, no excuses about the logistics of getting rid of the bum. You've had since August to get rid of him. Plenty of time to formulate and plan and execute it.

Yeah, I know, I know, you are weak, you're afraid, blah, blah. Just. Stop. It. NOW. Seriously.
 

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It's so easy to give advice.

"You must do blah blah blah."

"Throw them out and change the locks."

"Remove half of the money from the bank. You deserve it."

By the time people realise that the Unicorn riding prince or princess they thought they married was a cunningly disguised ogre or ogress it can be too late for instant, easy action. Kids, job, family, location, fear all can make the instant easy action not practicable or viable.

And some advice, if followed, would get the wronged spouse in jail.
 

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Since he has been living there since August, he most likely has a legal right to reside there. Good luck getting him out, now. Good luck in keeping him from allowing his daughters to move into his legal residence.

It's a fine mess you've gotten yourself into. It may require an actual divorce filing and court action to get him out. But, you probably already know that.
 

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It's so easy to give advice.
No, it's not particularly easy to give this particular poster shoot-from-the-hip advice. But I lived it. My first alcoholic husband had an unregistered hand gun in his office. He'd already slapped me around several times when I found that gun. I lived with a crazy alcoholic. I lived in a similar situation as the OP. I'm addressing this from real-life experience.

By the time people realise that the Unicorn riding prince or princess they thought they married was a cunningly disguised ogre or ogress it can be too late for instant, easy action.
OP has been reporting on this same situation for seven months. Her husband has six DUI's. It sounds like he morphed into a mean, manipulative drunk quite some time ago. In fact, OP actually left him once but returned.

Sadly, at this point, OP is turning into her own worst enemy. Plenty of folks here have offered suggestions as to how she could remove this awful man from her life. And, more sadly, she's balked at implementing these suggestions.

I think her best, and possibly only hope is a professional counselor assisting her to gain the courage to leave.
 

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I think her best, and possibly only hope is a professional counselor assisting her to gain the courage to leave.
Yes, this. When I was in a similar marriage a therapist helped me on my path to getting out. I had courage however my mind was so scattered from the years of gas-lighting that I could not seem to get an "exit plan" together. The therapist helped me break things down into small doable steps and helped track my progress so I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think sometimes that people forget what long-term abuse can do your brain ... I am a university educated woman with a successful STEM career however during that time I couldn't think my way out of a paper bag.
 

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Discussion Starter #349 (Edited)
One foot out the door 😞

Thank you all. I know this is a mess.

Because he’s been here since August you think I’ll have an issue getting him out?

Really? Now I’m panicking.

I can’t use past domestic issues or fear cause alcoholism?

And yes, unless you’ve been abused for as long as I have it’s hard to see why I’m where I’m at.

Of course I’m scared. What if I lose my job over this virus? My company’s gets most revenue from schools what if they close? I don’t have a savings account. I live pay check to pay check.

I’m 45 and what if?

Please take a sec to try and walk in my shoes although I know it’s hard.

So, so many things!

Right now though, is really legally entitled to live with me? It’s an apartment community.

So now I have that to worry about.

I have the fear of losing my job.

I’m sorry you don’t understand but please try.


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Re: One foot out the door 😞

Now I’m panicking.
You have been panicking for months. Your life. Your choice.

And yes, unless you’ve been abused for as long as I have it’s hard to see why I’m where I’m at.
I was.

What if I lose my job over this virus? My company’s gets most revenue from schools what if they close? I don’t have a savings account. I live pay check to pay check.
Millions of people are in the same situation. They are applying for unemployment. They are taking a job with Amazon, which currently has 100,000 openings. They are working with grocery store chains, that are desperate for people to stock the shelves and work in their warehouses to move inventory. So you are not alone.

I’m 45 and what if?
What if … what??? You don't find as great a guy as the piece of puke you're currently with?

Please seek professional counseling. We can't help you here. I walked in your shoes, okay? Your problem is neither unique or special.
 

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1. It is not your fault he is an addict. There is a problem inside of him that forces him to use substance as a coping mechanism.

2. He needs help. Real help. AA is not enough at this this point. He is beyond that.
Sounds more like he needs a 2-3 month stint in rehab, bi-weekly counselling sessions after and a complete life style change, including the ending of toxic relationships and avoiding things that trigger him.

Work on that first.


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Discussion Starter #352
We got into again today cause I was upset that he told me to be quiet cause he was texting the girls.
I said I didn't know you were texting them.

Then I said I don't like how you talk to me and you should talk to me with more respect I said you have to realize how cool I've been and you're lucky to be here considering everything.

He said oh I’m so lucky just be quiet and leave me alone. I got upset and was trying to get him to hear me out and he went in the other room and closed the door on me. I opened it and was like that's rude he was like stop and started recording me on his phone like taunting me when I was trying to talk to him.

He said he was hoping that recording me would make me be quiet.

So he recorded me while I was upset.
He said my voice was raised and it was cause I'm upset but I wasn't yelling at him I'm just upset about everything and he is Lucky to be here. Like he always shuts me down when I try to talk.
Its terrible I felt so violated.
He’s trying to make me feel like it’s my fault. He said I started it. That I can’t handle things and can’t be told to be quiet. That I make **** up in my head
He said I can’t handle Anything. That no one talks to him the way I do.
He said do you think anyone talks to me like that.

I told him to get out call his friend to pick him to take the FB picture he just randomly posted of our wedding yesterday which I don’t know why he did that THREE years later! That I want a divorce!

He said don’t tell me what to do.
I said you’re in my apartment you’re not on the lease so get out!

He said I didn’t want peace and quiet
That I had to keep on and on.

I said you want to record something? Record me telling you this, to have your friend pick you up, to take that fake profile pic down and that I want a divorce. I said record that.

I’m so pissed I can’t stop crying
Like I’m stressed about work, losing my job cause I couldn’t go in all week for possible Corona virus. My boss is acting strange to me. Just not looking
Good. So worried about that. I don’t have savings.

Then I have my husband being disrespectful telling me “would you just be quiet” when I say something in response to him complaining about the apartment.

Me saying he was lucky to be here it’s cause it’s true. I’m trying to be cool despite everything during this social distancing and he should have more respect for me.

My feelings don’t matter to him.

I sent him a pick of my bruised thigh and said you want to record me well here’s this. This is why you’re still lucky to here amongst other things!

He said never to text him again
He packed some of his things.

I said you’re making it seem like I did something wrong?! He said I played the wrong hand

I said I can’t believe how you’re acting towards me!

He said what man would allow his wife to talk to him the way you talk to me? Saying she wants a divorce! I said why wouldn’t I say that?! I’m fed up
But you should be on your ****ing knees begging me for forgiveness and instead you start packing your bags?!
I said you lost out he said yah right I lost out. I’m just doing what you asked me to do which is leave. He’s making me feel like I screwed up.

I tried to talk to him and he said stop. that having a conversation is gross to him. He said he’s respecting my wishes and leaving. That he doesn’t wanna be around me. That he wants to be away from Me.

Like I don’t even get what I said that was wrong? Yes I said divorce and all of that but what else am I supposed to say?!

I did say a lot and his pride is shot cause I said he doesn’t live here and I want a divorce But my god!

I feel so stupid I went in there earlier and was so mature I said listen we’re both on edge for many reasons I didn’t mean to hurt you but I think with all that’s going on this isn’t the best time I said. I said I still feel strongly about what I feel and said but I’m not going to Do that to you now. We can revisit later.
He didn’t say Anything. Then I said nothing? No response?
He said I’m still going. He said I don’t wanna be around this anymore.
I said you’re a damn trip. I said one moment, one day and you’re acting like I did something so wrong and I said even though you did all you did and you’re still here?

He said he’s gonna go to hotel that I’m inducing anxiety and anger and he doesn’t want to be around it.
I said ok then wow.

I needed to do that for myself cause it was the mature and bigger thing to do.

I just feel super violated with him recording me. What is that? Should I record all he does?

I felt bad cause all this quarantine stuff so I said hold off. I just feel dumb.

I’m having anxiety. Worried about work, the recording and how violated I feel just everything.

Has anyone else here had their significant other record them
when they were upset?


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OMG STOP LISTENING TO ANYTHING HE SAYS!! You had him OUT THE DOOR and you caved and backpedaled like you always do! Him recording you was just to get a reaction and manipulate you, and of course it worked. He knows exactly how to play you.

So is he gone??




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Discussion Starter #354 (Edited)
One foot out the door 😞

No he isn’t. He fell asleep hours ago.

Yes it worked. I caved cause he made me feel like I did something wrong.

Especially after he put our wedding pic on FB yesterday after all these years and cause he made me feel like I overreacted today.

Which I didn’t, right?

I don’t think he was on his way out really. He would have left if really wanted to.

He makes me feel like I’m so crazy and my behavior is inappropriate.

This is why. What I said above and this virus and fear of losing job.

He also said the physical and when he pushed me was cause I poked a bear. That he doesn’t recall what happened but he’s sure it’s cause I did what I did today following him and trying to force him to talk or hear me out. So he made me feel like my fault.

So now what? Revisit tomorrow?

I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me here. I need help navigating through this.

I feel like a mess. Am a mess.


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@solost12

So many people have suggested so many things that you could be doing or could have done. You have not done them.

Your only excuse so far that I've seen out of all of this is that it's hard.

We know it's hard.

Some of us have been where you are. It is hard, we know.

Some of us can only pray that you see that you have been and continue to receive the advice and help you've been asking for from us.

None of us on the other sides of the screens can do what you need to do for you.

Only you can.
 

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Re: One foot out the door 😞

I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me here. I need help navigating through this.
You've been offered support and advice. You don't take it. You've left yourself "here" - we didn't.
 

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Discussion Starter #357
I know you didn’t leave me here. This is such horrible timing. With the new virus orders in place of stay indoors.

He has no car, nowhere to stay other than hotel. So I shouldn’t feel bad but I am who I am and it’s hard not too.

So what would you all do? Still put him out or wait till it’s over? Supposed to me April 6th.

I can be strong but I do feel bad. Help me be logical here please.


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I know you didn’t leave me here. This is such horrible timing. With the new virus orders in place of stay indoors.

He has no car, nowhere to stay other than hotel. So I shouldn’t feel bad but I am who I am and it’s hard not too.

So what would you all do? Still put him out or wait till it’s over? Supposed to me April 6th.

I can be strong but I do feel bad. Help me be logical here please.


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If he's what you describe, put him out.

no question.
 

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Re: One foot out the door

I know you didn’t leave me here. This is such horrible timing. With the new virus orders in place of stay indoors.

He has no car, nowhere to stay other than hotel. So I shouldn’t feel bad but I am who I am and it’s hard not too.

So what would you all do? Still put him out or wait till it’s over? Supposed to me April 6th.

I can be strong but I do feel bad. Help me be logical here please.


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@solost12

Please rent a storage space for one month, pack his things, place the boxes in the storage unit, and leave the key to the storage unit taped on the door with a note that says, “I told you I wanted you gone. Your things are here (name of storage place) unit # X.”

The end.

He is a grown man with means to support himself and he can stay in a motel for a couple days to figure out a place to stay.

You BLOCK his phone number, remove him from all social media, and delete him from email.

In other words stop “talking” and start acting. You have a busy day—so get going.


P.S. I'm going to keep typing this until you do it.

All this other talk about his kids coming for Spring Break, you having to entertain them, you two getting into it, him threatening to leave, you caving in because you feel bad...all of it is a smoke-screen to not act. Stop talking and act.

Pack his things. Today. Right now.
Get him out. Today. Right now.
 

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Well depending on OPs location that might not be so easy if everything is shut down. Are hotels even open? Are apartments even being let right now? They aren't where I live. If OP has the virus and he's been living with her shouldn't he be quarantining with her?
 
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