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This has me in tears because this is how I feel and can’t put I to words. 100% how I feel!

Thank God my adult daughter doesn’t live with us.

The apartment is mine and I’m on the lease for 8 more months. He isn’t on the lease so he has to go. I think this is where I also feel stuck. Because how do I get him out?

I moved here to get away and he followed me and I was dumb and said ok we’ll see if the change of scenery helps. Dumb I know.

It’s easier for me to say don’t come back and change the locks when he’s done something wrong. But it’s not when he’s being ok so I don’t know how to handle.

I’m so sad and upset with myself because I know all of this. I watch many YouTube videos and read about all of this. So from a therapy perspective I know all of it. I just can’t move.

I’m paralyzed. I pray to God every night to please grant me a miracle, to build me up where I’ve been torn down and to remove him from my life. To do for me what I can’t do for myself. I feel like I’m there where he’s saying to get him out but I need strength and courage to finally do it.

The last bad relationship I was in many many years ago, truly the only reason I was able to get away from him was because he went to jail. Otherwise, who knows when I would have gotten him out of my life.

So yes, I need a miracle. I need strength. I need courage.

I’m still praying and I still need encouragement from you all.

You will get put when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving. Only you can do this. People can encourage etc etc but if you are not listening and are intent on reliving your misery over and over then what do you expect people on here to do or say?


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I’m paralyzed. I pray to God every night to please grant me a miracle, to build me up where I’ve been torn down and to remove him from my life. To do for me what I can’t do for myself. I feel like I’m there where he’s saying to get him out but I need strength and courage to finally do it.

So yes, I need a miracle. I need strength. I need courage.

I’m still praying and I still need encouragement from you all.
God can't drive a car that is in park. Ever heard of faith? God isn't in the business of waving a wand and, poof!, bad things go away. He expects us to make the first move, which means stepping out in faith, no matter how terrified we may be.

Since you mention frequently that you are "paralyzed" by fear, I'll give you a great example of what I'm talking about:

There was a lame/crippled man who sat beside the Bethesda fountain for 38 years. Every time an angel would stir up the water - meaning those who jumped in the pool would be healed - this poor slob just sat there bemoaning the fact that nobody would pick him up and put him in the pool. Jesus came along and listened to this guy tell of his predicament. Did Jesus pick him up? Nope. He looked at the man and said, "GET UP!" The man got up, picked up the mat he'd been languishing on for 38 years, and walked.

You want a miracle, fine. All God asks is you take the first step in faith. No matter how fearful you are. If you would kick out your loser husband, if you would take a firm stand, if you would quit wringing your hands and moaning about your predicament, you'd be absolutely amazed at what God could and would do for you.

But until you do that, I'm afraid you are going to be stuck. People pray for miracles all the time. Trouble is, people don't back up their prayers with the faith to step out of their situation and THEN put their trust in God.

JMO.
 
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I have just read this entire thread from the beginning and this has been one of the hardest…

It is easy to be insecure, we all have something that will rise to the task of doubting ourselves but one cannot just let fear take over every aspect of life and spiral down to a chronic self-harm or we will become so dysfunctional we cannot choose to even love ourselves.

I’ve learned that suffering is caused by desire… brought by choices we either suffer or remove suffering, but when we become dependent on suffering because anything is better than the fear of nothing, we stall in climbing the tree of life and fall in a tailspin hitting every branch on the way down.

It is like trying to prove failure… you consistently wonder “why can’t I do better?”. There is so much manipulation and control you are fighting that self-judgement becomes self-harm trying to find your way on someone else’s terms. Sure your reaction to the challenge of manipulation paints you as the struggling one, you are either an actor reading the script until you begin to believe it or you stop being directed. Act the part enough and you become the part, believing you are less than you are until the day that you begin to retake control.

When the person knows exactly which buttons to hit, how to hit them, and then guide your reaction into a “if only you weren’t the way you are” discussion… they do not love you. What they want is to keep you in self-doubt, relationship weak, and then confirm what they believe you need to know.

Get off the self-blame train or you will continue to struggle to see clearly.

Feeling sorry for yourself is what we in Buddhism call a “second-arrow”… you already know life where you are is hard, feeling like one thing after another after another, this is the “first arrow”. These are the things you do not introduce into your life but are upsetting and put you to a point of needing to make a decision.

Make a good decision and you relieve the suffering.

How you react to them and make them worse is the “second arrow”, starting to look for reasons why: “I’m not good enough, unlovable, a failure, weak. We turn on ourselves in ways that defeat every chance to rise above the hurt and doubt.

You need help to conquer this self-loathing and I understand you are turning to therapy, but there is so much acceptance you have to find first or your therapy will just be time spent instead of time for growth spent.
 

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Discussion Starter #305
Hello:

I know that I need faith. I haven't had it for a long time. In much of anything. I was raised Catholic but haven't practiced that since I graduated from high school.

Again, I know I need faith. I have asked for God/the universe to do for me what I can't do for myself.

I did see a therapist yesterday and she was ok. I didn't really feel a great connection. This was my 2nd time seeing her. The one thing that I got from her was that I'm completely validated to get out of the relationship because of the physical alone, that he isn't going to change, that he won't have conversations with me because he doesn't want to own up to anything and is clearly in denial about the situation with his kids.

I told her that I feel stuck. I know that I need to make the move. She said not stuck. I said frozen. She said frozen sounds more like it. Which makes sense. I'm not stuck. It's my apartment, all of my furniture, etc. Only his clothes are there.

She told me that what I need to work on right now is not letting him make me doubt myself. Because he has me thinking that I'm wrong and crazy and questioning myself. She said I need to trust in what I feel and trust my gut and what my feelings are.

I am scheduling to see someone else. Someone that I saw a year ago who I thought was ok. I'll give her another shot. Or maybe see both until I figure out which one I connect with.

Of course he's being extra nice the last few days. Calling a ton, saying he loves me, taking care of me, cooking for me, etc. Makes me feel like oh wow. I'm going to let go of this? Silly. I think it's cause I've never had a guy take care of me that way before. Just being honest. I know it shouldn't change my mind. Just makes me feel a certain way.

I also feel bad for him because his three older controlling sisters keep pressuring him to get his kids and take them from their mom out of town. I said that's not fair to him or the mom because those kids aren't neglected or abused. On top of that, that is a discussion for him and his ex. Not for his sisters to pressure him to do. So I feel bad for him there. Because they guilt him. They always have. He gets guilted from his ex, his kids, his three older sisters. It doesn't change anything. Just saying how I feel.

I have to focus on the reality though.

So yes, I know that God won't miraculously do something but I wish he would miraculously do for me what I can't do for myself. I wish he would unfreeze me. Or the universe. I'm honestly up for any help right now.
 

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So in all the nice things he has been saying and doing lately plus the ways his sisters have made it hard on him- how does that compare to all the things you wrote down that he has done to YOU that are bad? Do you feel the same way about the guy who has done those bad things?

I can tell you from my life that the minute you forget the bad or embrace the temporary nice acts- and yes they are temporary until you get back in line- you are taking huge steps backwards. Fear of being without him is controlling you.

You have your own place, your own income. You are almost there. If he truly loved you he would be willing to give you the space you need and not be taking advantage of things that are yours.
 

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Yes, you should focus... you have too many minds right now to see anything clearly.

It seems (for you), the process is not trusted... any process for that matter because doubt fills every corner. It sounds as for you, for the life around you, nothing is trusted and you need something to trust, and badly. You keep placing your primary trust (faith) in others and are disappointed time and time again with the lesson never learned which keeps you from moving forward.

Lessons never leave us until they are learned.

Disappointment happens in life, all the time in fact, and when it becomes too heavy, too often for a single area at some point you have to say to yourself "my expectations are not going to be met and the things I thought I valued are hurting me, I need to leave the things that hurt me in a way that allows my inner calm to be the thing I value most".

Your doubt hurts you.

Your marriage hurts you.

The family connected to your marriage hurts you.

This is simple math really...

I wonder if to him you are his wife or are you just someone who puts up with him? He is a charmer, seen those, married those... could cut you down and say things that cause doubt to your very soul on the way but get out of the car and they are the best thing around.

That is pure manipulation in the worst way and it's not taking care of you, it is controlling you. Every time he hurts your calm he balances it with a nicety, knowing the buttons of your needs are directly connected to how poorly he can treat you and your codependency accepts this as worth it when it is anything but yet your doubt will trip you up every time.

Feeling bad for someone who has things out of their control is compassion... feeling bad for someone who has control but they instead use their problem to make it your problem and belittle you for voicing your concern is manipulation, and that is a heartless and abusive trait.

Feel bad for him, then say "no".

You cannot fix him.

You can and should fix yourself... we should all work on ourselves and love ourselves more this way.

Faith in yourself is just as important as your spiritual faith... pick one reality and apply this one single belief to it.

Then tell him "no" one time in an area that is hurting you.

Then trust the process...
 

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Discussion Starter #308
Thank you THANK YOU...This has all put a different spin on things and opening my eyes in a different way. I'm going to re-read over and over.

I feel like sometimes if he could, if he had his own things he would have had his own place. Left me.

I mean, I know that if his kids were moving here his plan is to leave/was to leave so it makes me feel like yes, I'm being used in a sense. To get him where he needs until he has to go. I mean, he'll say he wants all of us to go but I've made it clear that I cannot and WILL not live with him AND his kids full time. There's no way...EVER

With all of this said, when I tell him to go, what do I say? Especially since he's been nice.

But you're right, I can't let the nice cloud me.

Again, what I read above = total eye openers in a completely different way!
 

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You let him know by saying it simple and clear... "You need to find another place, you cannot stay here anymore".

Two things will happen:

1) He accepts that you are looking at this though new eyes and respects that (and you).

2) He counters with frustration because he is losing control of you and begins spinning all he can.

If the spin begins, use only three responses:

* I'm sorry you feel that way...
* I see things differently...
* I'm not ok with "X" (whatever X may be).

Do not get into any conversation and try to explain, it will only be twisted against you.

Compassion has boundaries too, you do feel bad and that's ok because he is someone you cared about, feeling bad doesn't make it wrong it just means you have a compassionate heart.

It also means now it's time to care more about you.

Some day he will not be able to hurt you anymore... that day may not be today, but today begins with taking ownership of your life with one simple word.

No.

It is not a harsh word... for you right here, right now, it is the first step of loving yourself more.
 

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Discussion Starter #311
Hello everyone:

I know it’s been a while and I’m sure that most of you were expecting to hear from me again. Life has been crazy after my surgery I got back on medication my depression went away I started therapy about a month ago and I have been feeling so much better mentally am not perfect but more of a positive outlook on certain things which I haven’t had in a very long time.

The one thing that hasn’t changed is that my husband is still here and he has been worse than ever the last few months have been hell with him drinking and driving at levels that I’ve never seen before. Also gambling. Disappearing for hours and coming home to the point where he is so drunk that he has been falling on the ground passing out, etc. Which is the worst that I’ve seen him in the whole 12 years that we’ve been together. I know that in my previous post I have explained that he is an addict. I told him that if he continues on the path that he was then that he was going to wind up killing himself for killing someone on the road. Again because I’ve never seen him this bad where he doesn’t even remember where he is or what he’s done. Well, he did get it dui and it was the Sunday before last. This is his sixth dui. Three of them before we were together and three of them while we were together. I was praying that something like this would happen, because I thought that maybe it would be a wake up call. That he would change. And then after everything he has done after everything that we have been through that he would no longer want to hurt me and do better for himself and for our marriage.

Him and I have just been co existing. I have told him numerous times that I am not happy I know that he’s not happy in that I want him to leave but he obviously has not taking me seriously because this has been a threat that I have given for a very long time now and he still living here. Well, after he promised me after this last incident that he would never drink again and get the help that he needs he went out last night and was at the bar for eight hours after work and didn’t drive because he can’t but went to work at midnight and wound up staying overnight there. He is the most vain person I know and for him to go to work and stay there overnight and wake up the next morning knowing that he was going to be around a ton of people that he was wearing the day before in the same clothes just to me said well this is Rockbottom especially because all of this is happening a week after he was arrested.

I told him today that he needs to get out, that I no longer want to be a wife of an alcoholic, that I understand he’s in a dark place as he misses his children and him and I have not been doing well that I have been checked out and I understand that but there’s no excuse for all of this. I told him he doesn’t love himself so there’s no way that he can love me and he needs help. I have offered to go with him to get help I have offered so many things to help him but he doesn’t take the offer. He just keeps saying that he has the control to stop it. He said today that he felt horrible about it but he knows that He can stop whenever he wants. And that he doesn’t have a disease nor is an addict. I told him that this is a problem because unless he believes that there is an issue he will not get the help that he needs and he will continue to do the same thing. There may be times of brief moments where he does not for
a few days But it will happen again.

He has been on a crazy downward spiral also since he started hanging around this friend at work that is such a bad influence on him. I’m not blaming his friend, however I know that my husband has been acting very different since hanging around him. Sometimes I wonder if they were having an affair or something behind my back because that’s how crazy and differently things have been so quickly in the last few months.

Soooo I am at a point where now I’m feeling even more guilty because I’m seeing the self-destruction and I am seeing this person that I never saw before. I mean I saw this behavior before but never this frequently and never to this level. In my thoughts were if I was in loving and supporting wife, is it’s the right thing to do to leave? Or actually not me leave because I am situated in my apartment and he’s not on the lease but make him leave. When he has nowhere to go. I know that with everything That has happened, including the physical in the past including issues with his children including the verbal abuse emotional abuse and all of these things that putting him out is the right thing to do, right?

He has me stuck in a place because he told me that he would have to stay at a hotel and that he’s having a hard time finding an apartment that fits his budget. I know that that is not my problem.


I know that my job is not to save him. He has to want to help himself and save himself but he keeps saying that he’s going to do that and he doesn’t. I feel like unless his children were living with us full-time he would not be happy and he would continue down this downward spiral and that is so unfair to me because a healthy normal human being would except the fact that his situation is the way that it is with his children and learn to deal with it’s in healthier ways.


I really am at a point where I am so done. As hard as it may seem in his heart it will be for me to do. I know in my deepest heart of hearts that I have to let this go. I can’t let him try and talk me into believing that he will change and then we have a bright future like he says. There has been no sign other than five days this just recently where he didn’t have a drink. So to me that’s definitely not long enough. I know for my safety that it’s not good for him to be living with me And last night I was so worried that he was going to come here and do something crazy because he was drunk and violent and I could not sleep and I pray to God that he would not come here and God answered my prayer and he did not come here. So I don’t know I feel like I know what I need to do, but now that I see the severity of his disease, I feel like I’m being an unsupportive wife by putting him out on the street with nowhere to stay according to him other than a hotel.

I really have tried though, for many years I’ve saved by his side through everything even though he’s done me wrong. I know that I’m not perfect and I know that I have my issues however I am in therapy and I’m working on myself. He is not. So please I’m asking for you guys because now I’m at a point of total uncertainty although I feel like I know what I need to do. Again reason is because I feel like I know now that this is really a disease that he needs help for her but he doesn’t think he needs help so what can I do? It’s out of my hands.

Can you all help me here? Because I want him out. I just am feeling guilty more than ever for doing something like that. Or am I wrong in being an unsupportive life by kicking my husband out of my apartment when he is down and out and going through something. Again though, I’ve offered to help him I’ve offered to do positive things with him. But he says what else is he supposed to do come home and go to sleep? And that his binge drinking is only twice a week or has only been once since he got the DU I. So there’s lots of justifying. He has also done a lot of apologizing and promising that I won’t happen again. But has not lived up to that.

Please help me. I know that you all are probably not surprised that I’m still in the situation, but I have started therapy. The only mental thing that is killing me right now is dealing with an alcoholic husband that I have no control over. And I just want to be happy and live a positive life and not feel bad for doing that. But I know it’s time to much has happened. I just need some encouragement and support to know that me putting him out because he is an alcoholic and keeps breaking promises on top of everything else that he has done is not the wrong thing to do. He has me questioning myself because he said that would we not have our problems in the marriage and would he not have the issues were he’s missing his children things would be different. So I feel that if it were different and I were different then he wouldn’t be drinking like he isn’t doing the things that he has.

What do I do and how do I approach this? Do I tell him that tonight is his last night here and that I am changing the locks tomorrow and then he has to go and find somewhere to stay until they can get it together and find an apartment? Again, this is my apartment and when I moved here he was not supposed to come with me and he was in a bad situation with being laid off so I just let him come and stay and I never really got to be alone the way that I wanted to after he pushed me. It was supposed to be done then. And then it was supposed to be done the last time he went out and got super drunk and the last time after that and the time after that and the time after that and then for sure after the DUI and now last night again. It’s like come on? I just want that to be alone and heal my codependency and my problems. Because I know that I am codependent. This is something that I do not deny.

I am heartbroken and the thought of being without him the good side of him is killing me I haven’t eaten and I’ve been crying like crazy. I feel like I’m losing myself more to all of this and I don’t want to do that anymore I want to live a good life a happy life of confident life. Please help. I need encouragement and support and to know that what I’m doing is the right thing and to also know the best way to approach it.

Sorry that this is so long it’s just that I’ve been away for a while and again just really really need some support and advice here and hoping to hear from some of you by tomorrow because I am in a really bad state of mind right now. Thank you in advance and I really look forward to hearing from you soon!


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You’re not done... because you are still doing the same thing you have been. You think you can just wish him out of your home. Hows that working for you? He knows all you do is just blow smoke, so he’s never going to take you seriously unless you take some kind of real action. Stop it with the damn guilt. To hell with the piece of crap, who cares what happens to him once he’s gone?? Find a legal way to get authorities to help get him out of your home.

You have only yourself to blame that you’re still in this, so stop saying that HE has you stuck.




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Discussion Starter #313 (Edited)
One foot out the door 😞

I agree 3xnocharm. I can have the locks changed tomorrow while he’s working?

Or do I give him a week?

I really am 10000% ready to be alone despite the pain ahead. It takes time for some or us to reach our limit and I’ve reached mine.

I have a big heart, always have. That isn’t a bad thing and me wanting to ask if I’m doing this the right way cause I don’t want anyone in a bad place doesn’t make me a bad person.

It also scares me so much thinking if something bad happens to him I will blame myself for not being a good wife. I would question if it’s my fault.

Just how I feel.

I sense so much frustration in a lot of the responses and that’s not fair. You haven’t walked in my shoes so please be patient with me. I’m here for help, have been honest, I know I have my own issues and I own that but at least I’m taking steps.

So please don’t give up me but I ask for you to try and understand why this is difficult.

Do I have the locks changed today? Is that too harsh? Or do I give a week? I really prefer not to have to but it’s a better way then I will.




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Re: One foot out the door 😞

I agree 3xnocharm. I can have the locks changed tomorrow while he’s working?

Or do I give him a week?

I really am 10000% ready to be alone despite the pain ahead. It takes time for some or us to reach our limit and I’ve reached mine.

I have a big heart, always have. That isn’t a bad thing and me wanting to ask if I’m doing this the right way cause I don’t want anyone in a bad place doesn’t make me a bad person.

It also scares me so much thinking if something bad happens to him I will blame myself for not being a good wife. I would question if it’s my fault.

Just how I feel.

I sense so much frustration in a lot of the responses and that’s not fair. You haven’t walked in my shoes so please be patient with me. I’m here for help, have been honest, I know I have my own issues and I own that but at least I’m taking steps.

So please don’t give up me but I ask for you to try and understand why this is difficult.

Do I have the locks changed today? Is that too harsh? Or do I give a week? I really prefer not to have to but it’s a better way then I will.
Have the locks changed today. After all that you have been through, that is in no way too harsh. Not even close. He is a grown-ass man who has made grown-ass man decisions to put his life where it is today. Let him live through the consequences of those decisions.

And please please please talk to your therapist about codependency. I sense that you are in the water up over your head in codependency issues, and that is very much steering your decision making process.
 

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Discussion Starter #315
Thank you.

I am definitely codependent and have abandonment issues. I know all of these things. My eyes are open and I’m very aware.

That’s why I question. Of course he makes me question and his words have me thinking what if he does do all he says? Then the next woman gets the good of him when I could have gotten that had I stayed? Probably irrational. Sharing my thoughts.

What do I tell him? He doesn’t have clothes or his things.

I feel bad despite knowing all of this. Crying so hard right now thinking of all of this. I’m so sad. I’m crushed. I can’t even fake a smile. Physically cannot do it.

It’s cause I love him. I married him. Have spent 12 years of my life with him. We have done everything together. He knows everything about me down to the core. My eating disorder. Everything. When he’s good has been so good hence why I was so smitten with him. So this is killing me inside. I’m so mas at myself for moving forward with him thinking I could change him.

So naturally when he says he’s going to change my heart feels relieved in a sense and I want to stick it out because of how I feel about him.

So how do I deal with the what if’s? The fear of being alone? The pain? The what if I made a mistake?

I’m having a really hard time and I’m fragile. This is tearing me apart.


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Thank you.

I am definitely codependent and have abandonment issues. I know all of these things. My eyes are open and I’m very aware.

That’s why I question. Of course he makes me question and his words have me thinking what if he does do all he says? Then the next woman gets the good of him when I could have gotten that had I stayed? Probably irrational. Sharing my thoughts.

What do I tell him? He doesn’t have clothes or his things.

I feel bad despite knowing all of this. Crying so hard right now thinking of all of this. I’m so sad. I’m crushed. I can’t even fake a smile. Physically cannot do it.

It’s cause I love him. I married him. Have spent 12 years of my life with him. We have done everything together. He knows everything about me down to the core. My eating disorder. Everything. When he’s good has been so good hence why I was so smitten with him. So this is killing me inside. I’m so mas at myself for moving forward with him thinking I could change him.

So naturally when he says he’s going to change my heart feels relieved in a sense and I want to stick it out because of how I feel about him.

So how do I deal with the what if’s? The fear of being alone? The pain? The what if I made a mistake?

I’m having a really hard time and I’m fragile. This is tearing me apart.
I think you just have to know that whoever is with him next, will *eventually* end up with the same version of him as you have now. Even if he appears as Mr. Perfect at first to them, it can't last...not with him.

You are so upset right now because you are, in all reality, mourning a loss. A loss of a love, a loss of a life you knew and wanted, and the loss of a partner. Nobody is faulting you for being upset over that. Perfectly natural.

Tell him that when he wants to return to get his things to call the police to escort him to the address to get them. That way, things have very little chance of going sideways on you. He gets his things, you have the locks changed and he can't come back.
 

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Discussion Starter #317
Thank you. Are you a male or female? Just asking because I think it’s interesting to get a view point from a male as well.

What do I do about things for him in the short term? Because he went to work this morning, is at work right now. He doesn’t have anything with him.

Also, I’m going to email my apartment landlord right now to see if he can get the lock changed before he gets home today at 3 PM. I’m not sure if that’s going to be possible. If it’s not, what do you suggest that I do?


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Thank you. Are you a male or female? Just asking because I think it’s interesting to get a view point from a male as well.

What do I do about things for him in the short term? Because he went to work this morning, is at work right now. He doesn’t have anything with him.

Also, I’m going to email my apartment landlord right now to see if he can get the lock changed before he gets home today at 3 PM. I’m not sure if that’s going to be possible. If it’s not, what do you suggest that I do?
I'm a male.

If you don't want to have a police officer standby to have him get his things, you could always gather them up and have them waiting in the apartment or rental office to where you live if management is ok with that. That way, you wouldn't even need to have direct contact with him if you didn't want to. Then, let him know by phone or text message what is happening, where his things can be found.

I'm sure if you let the management know what your specific situation is, they won't hesitate in having the locks changed for you.
 

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Discussion Starter #320
Thanks

He’s not on the lease so I wouldn’t be able to do that


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