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One foot out the door 😞

Playing the Victim https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_playing



Which doesn't seem to accurately describe @solost12.


I think it describes her accurately actually.

She said she is physically and emotionally abused. (Which obviously we give her sympathy). Then she says above that maybe she brought this on herself because she is controlling and needy or whatever. And she was questioning whether it was really that bad. (So she stays with him, and enables the behavior by trying to understand it, and justify it). Then when I say something she doesn’t like, she says that it’s my fault that she is y leaving her husband bc she almost had enough strength to do it until I ruined it for her.
 

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I wasn’t blaming her I said she’s the first person who made me feel like it was me and that I shouldn’t be so hard on him which made me feel like maybe I should stay. So yes that made me question it.
She was not saying that you should stay. She was saying that if you stay that you are choosing to accept the abuse. If you leave, you choose to not accept the abuse.

I didn’t come here to get to made to feel bad. I came here for help. I know my situation is really bad but when I question myself I don’t need to hear that I shouldn’t be so hard on him. That keeps me feeling stuck.
People are trying to help you... to help you realize that you have 100% of the power over getting out of an abusive marriage.

Which I don’t know why I feel stuck. It’s a horrible feeling and was looking for advice on why I may feel that way and what I can do to get past it.
The way you feel, stuck, is very normal. Sadly, a lot of victims of abuse struggle with realizing that they have complete control and can leave the abuser. Sometimes they have to put some things in place before they can leave, but they have the power to leave.

There have been a studies done to figure out why victims of abuse continue to stay with their abusers. The results of these studies are interesting.. .it's biological. Victims who stay with their abuses have a distorted oxytocin response. What's oxytocin? It's a the hormone that our brains uptake to make us feel bonded to other people. It's often called the amnesia hormone.

A good example of why it's called the amnesia hormone is child birth. When a woman gives birth to a baby, her body/brain creates and uptakes large quantities of oxytocin. What it does is that it make her strongly bond to her baby. But is also creates amnesia relation to the pain of child birth. Women do not recall that actual level of pain they endure during child birth because oxytocin helps them forget the true level of pain. I've read that if it were not for oxytocin helping women forget the pain, there would never be a second child because no woman would willing put themselves through that pain again.

When it comes to love relationships, oxytocin also comes into play. When a person falls in love, the brain is flooded with oxytocin and other feel-good hormones. That's why people feel high as a kite when in-love. Over time that high goes away some, but the oxytocin levels are still high enough so that the person sees their partner through rose colored glasses. This is why so often we see someone who is in love with the partner and their friends and family wonder what on earth they see in that person.. can't the see the bad things about them? Nope, they cannot see the bad because the oxytocin serves as a pair of rose colored glasses that helps them forget and/or ignore the bad.

Sadly, oxytocin also plays a role in the way victims of abuse respond to the abuse. Oxytocin is also floods the brain during times of trauma. Researchers have done tests on oxytocin levels in abuse victims. The abuse cause the manufacture and uptake of oxytocin. It's the body's way to protect the victim on some level from the mental trauma of the abuse. This is why victims of abuse seem to be unable to leave their abuser.. the oxytocin helps to blunt the trauma (rose colored glasses) and binds them more strongly to their abuser. This is sometimes called the Stockholm Syndrome.

Researchers have also fond that children, especially girls, who grow up in homes where there is abuse often, as adults, have a very reactive oxytocin response if they are abused as adults. This is why children who grow up in an abusive home often become victims of an abusive relationship as adults.

So how do you stop this cycle? The victim has to end all contact with the abuser. Over time the bond that has been created by the oxytocin dissipates. Once it does, the victim no longer is bonded to the abuser and the rose colored glasses are gone. And, once this stage is reached, the victim needs to stay as far away from their abuser and have as little contact as possible. No contact ever again is the best way to go.

The above is a very simplistic explanation of complex biological response to abuse and pair bonding. For example when the brain is flooded with oxytocin, it's usually also being flooded with dopamine and other feel-good hormones.

What people here are telling you is that you are the only person who can stop this cycle. You need to end all contact with him.

Are you getting any counseling to help you deal with your situation?
 

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@MattMatt - I read what you posted re: victims. I've been following this thread from the beginning. And I'm in complete agreement with @Girl_power. This is a very accurate description of the OP.
 

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@MattMatt - I read what you posted re: victims. I've been following this thread from the beginning. And I'm in complete agreement with @Girl_power. This is a very accurate description of the OP.
Some victims suffer from something like Stockholm Syndrome.

They stay with their abuser because it's the only life they know.

Their abuser has ****ed with their mind so much that the thought of leaving their abuser is not something they can comprehend.

I hope that @solost12 can escape her abuser.
 

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Discussion Starter #285
I don’t think I have any of the link that you sent. I don’t abuse others and I don’t manipulate. What of that makes you think that’s me?

I’m not in therapy. Supposed to start Monday.

I appreciate all that you’re saying. You keep me from losing it but I don’t see how I play victim.


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Discussion Starter #286
If he is your husband you need to accept his good and his bad. No one is perfect. You want him to put you first and all your needs first but your a grown adult. You have to put him first too, and having a healthy Relationship with his kids is important.
You need to **** or get off the pot. You can’t be luke warm. You need to either accept him for who he is and love him and stop trying to make him perfect, or leave him. That’s it. Choose one and do it.
Go get a life. Go to the gym. Makes friends. Get hobbies. You spend too much time in the house your driving yourself and him crazy. It’s not healthy.
He will never be perfect. He will never always be there for you, he will never not drink and have a social life and have a relationship with his kids. You have to accept this and love him or love on.


As I’m reading this again I have put him first and his kids first even over myself and my daughter. So I don’t get why I’m being told that. I’ve lost myself because of this.

He hasn’t put me first. Not once. Ever.

Here’s an example and a question. This has been going on for years but more then ever. So he’s been going out after work, says he’ll be home at a certain time, winds up getting wasted and disappears for hours and then comes home 4-5 hours later after the last time we talk. Doesn’t answer his calls when I call to make sure he’s ok. All of this after he promised that the last time would be the last time. This has been going on for years. I ask for the courtesy to let me know he’s going to stay out longer or call if he needs a ride because I worry but no. Never changes and all cause he says he was drunk and thought he called and or his phone wasn’t near him.

He’s off work tomorrow. So him and his friends are going out. I already know where this is going. He probably won’t even come home cause he’ll say he was too drunk and passed out at his friends.

I never go out and on the rare occasion I do I would never behave this way.

Is this ok to you? @Girl_power? Is this where I’m supposed to let him be, support him, and accept him as who he is?

Or is this wrong and I should be upset? Another reason to leave him?

This is a serious question. Not arguing but really want to know because I’m trying to gauge where I’m wrong or expecting too much.


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One foot out the door 😞

As I’m reading this again I have put him first and his kids first even over myself and my daughter. So I don’t get why I’m being told that. I’ve lost myself because of this.

He hasn’t put me first. Not once. Ever.

Here’s an example and a question. This has been going on for years but more then ever. So he’s been going out after work, says he’ll be home at a certain time, winds up getting wasted and disappears for hours and then comes home 4-5 hours later after the last time we talk. Doesn’t answer his calls when I call to make sure he’s ok. All of this after he promised that the last time would be the last time. This has been going on for years. I ask for the courtesy to let me know he’s going to stay out longer or call if he needs a ride because I worry but no. Never changes and all cause he says he was drunk and thought he called and or his phone wasn’t near him.

He’s off work tomorrow. So him and his friends are going out. I already know where this is going. He probably won’t even come home cause he’ll say he was too drunk and passed out at his friends.

I never go out and on the rare occasion I do I would never behave this way.

Is this ok to you? @Girl_power? Is this where I’m supposed to let him be, support him, and accept him as who he is?

Or is this wrong and I should be upset? Another reason to leave him?

This is a serious question. Not arguing but really want to know because I’m trying to gauge where I’m wrong or expecting too much.


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It’s not about being right or wrong, it’s about being at peace.

Of course it’s not cool when your husband goes out and doesn’t call. But after all this time, do you think he is going to really change? At a certain point you have to accept it or move on. But you just want to fight.

Here’s the thing. You already know what he is going to do tomorrow. He is going to go out with his friends and get piss drunk. You already know this. Your getting ready to be mad and have a blow up fight. This shouldn’t be the same fight over and over again, it’s exhausting and unproductive. So my thoughts are... why don’t you go out with him and his friends? Why are going you to stay home and just be angry and wait to fight with him? Why don’t you go out with your friends tomorrow night too? At a certain point you have to let it go. You can’t keep having the same fight. Yes he should do this and he should do that, but he clearly isn’t. So why fight forever?

Stop putting him first. That’s a huge problem. Start putting yourself first. You need to go out and laugh hysterically. You need to set and accomplish goals and be proud of yourself. You need to live your own life. Instead you stay home and sulk and get mad that your husband is living his life.
We’re all going to die. This isn’t a practice life. If you can’t have peace with him and are constantly fighting then leave him. You know him really well. You know what he is going to do before he does it. Can you live like this, with who he is? Can you be happy like this? And that’s a question only you can answer. Some women take a lot to be happy. Some women take a very little to be happy.
I know myself well enough that I could not be happy with my exH. But I know that plenty of other women would love to be his wife and could be very happy with him. I wish I could of been, but I couldn’t. I wish I could be one of those girls that doesn’t require a lot to be happy. But I know myself better than that.

So what about you? Can you let some things go and learn to be happy with him? Only you can answer that.
 

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Discussion Starter #288 (Edited)
One foot out the door 😞

I have gone out with him.

I’ve also tried to have my own life and do things and he gets upset. Especially if it was on a weekend that his kids were with us. Even if it was to see my own daughter.

He would say I always go out which isn’t true. He would also say I was never there wasn’t true. I never go out.

I feel like you haven’t read everything from the beginning. My thread goes way beyond accepting him. There’s so much.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is you’re really the only one here telling me to look at it that way. When everyone else has said leave and get out he’s terrible. Why is your advice different?

Like wouldn’t have anyone else left a long time ago?

I feel like I need words to get strong and leave. To hear that I’m not wrong and i shouldn’t put up with this.

Not blaming you at all but I am just questioning if this is normal and I should work it out now.

The advice has gone from
Get strong and leave to maybe I’m being too hard and expecting too much.

I’m confused and feel weak again.


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You keep ignoring the advice to get out so why are you arguing about this? You’ve heard from all of us exactly what you claim to need to hear, but yet there you stay, whining of your misery instead of standing strong and doing what needs to be done. You’re just afraid to be without a man. So either learn to live with the piece of crap, or get out.




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Re: One foot out the door 😞

I have gone out with him.

I’ve also tried to have my own life and do things and he gets upset. Especially if it was on a weekend that his kids were with us. Even if it was to see my own daughter.

He would say I always go out which isn’t true. He would also say I was never there wasn’t true. I never go out.

I feel like you haven’t read everything from the beginning. My thread goes way beyond accepting him. There’s so much.


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I understand. I’ve read the thread.
You need to be your own person. Who cares if he gets upset. You are your own person, you are not there just to do whatever he wants. There needs to be a balance. You need your own life, he needs his own life, and then you need your life together. If he gets mad if you go out who cares. This is a way he is trying to control and manipulate you. He is allowed to go out with his friends and you shouldn’t get mad. You are allowed to go out with friends and he shouldn’t get mad. Who cares what he says. He’s an ******* that is going to manipulate you and try to control you. But you can’t let it happen bc you are your own person. I’m sure that you have also tried to control and manipulate him, we have all done it. But that doesn’t stop him from going out with his friends does it? So don’t let him getting mad stop you from doing you.

I get that it does beyond accepting him. But you have limited realistic options. And one is to accept him and try to live in peace while not allowing him to manipulate you. The second is to leave him. There are no other options. Do you understand that? He will not change. All you can do is leave and hope to find better or be okay with possibly of finding worse or no one. Or you can learn to live with this crappy selfish man and learn to be at peace with it and try to focus on the good stuff to keep you sane. There is no other option and I don’t think you understand this.
Fighting won’t solve anything. Coming on here to get a bunch of strangers to admit that he is a jerk isn’t going to change anything. You already know he’s a jerk. But you also know that he has some good qualities which is why you fell in love with him.
I am not telling you to stay with him and accept him. I am telling you there are 2 things you can do. Stay, accept him and learn to live in peace, or leave him. There is good and bad with both decisions. And only you can make that decision. Because what is right for you, may not be right for someone else.


And the other thing is. I am 100% all for women leaving their abusive relationship. But it’s something to work up to. Because it’s not healthy for you to leave and come back and leave and come back. In fact, the more you do that, the harder it is for you to ever successfully leave. Also it takes a huge hit on your self esteem each time you come back. Also, it tells the abuser that he has total control over you and he knows he doesn’t have to change anything bc you keep coming back. So I am saying to you, that if you make the firm decision to leave, you need to first get yourself emotionally and mentally stable enough to leave him once for good and never turn back again.
So you need to decide what to do. And you have to be very purposeful and set goals for whatever decision you make. Things don’t magically change, you need to make good decisions and continue to make good decisions. The worst thing that you can do is waver. To go back and forth.

I want you to be happy. But it’s going to be a tough road to happiness. But it’s worth taking that road, and the sooner you do it, the sooner you will be happy. So everyone here will support whatever decision you make and will help you. But YOU have to make the decision. You have to get control of your life.
 

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Also, everyone here knows that we only hear from one side of the story. And the truth is, none of us have all the information to give hard advice. And sometimes our advice is wrong.

Everyone has their hard line. So some people would not tolerate certain things, others will tolerate it. Also I’m sure he can say the same for you. Some men wouldn’t tolerate how you treat your husband, and other men would.

None of us know anything about your relationship except for the things you said, which is mostly negative. We know there is a huge chunk missing. And for some people On here, they draw the line after physical abuse. Some people don’t draw the line there. You chose to stay after that abuse. And depending on the circumstances around it, it’s a matter of opinion.

Here are some questions I have for you so I can understand a little more. You don’t have to answer them if you don’t want.
How many times have you left him?
How often do you get into a screaming match?
Do you guys still have sex? How often? Do you guys cuddle? Go on dates? When was the last time you guys laughed together?
Have you ever cheated on him? Has he cheated on you?
Do you both work full time?
Do you have sit down family dinners? Who cooks? Who cleans? What was the last nice thing he did for you? What was the last nice thing you did for him?
 

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Discussion Starter #292
Also, everyone here knows that we only hear from one side of the story. And the truth is, none of us have all the information to give hard advice. And sometimes our advice is wrong.

Everyone has their hard line. So some people would not tolerate certain things, others will tolerate it. Also I’m sure he can say the same for you. Some men wouldn’t tolerate how you treat your husband, and other men would.

None of us know anything about your relationship except for the things you said, which is mostly negative. We know there is a huge chunk missing. And for some people On here, they draw the line after physical abuse. Some people don’t draw the line there. You chose to stay after that abuse. And depending on the circumstances around it, it’s a matter of opinion.

Here are some questions I have for you so I can understand a little more. You don’t have to answer them if you don’t want.
How many times have you left him?
How often do you get into a screaming match?
Do you guys still have sex? How often? Do you guys cuddle? Go on dates? When was the last time you guys laughed together?
Have you ever cheated on him? Has he cheated on you?
Do you both work full time?
Do you have sit down family dinners? Who cooks? Who cleans? What was the last nice thing he did for you? What was the last nice thing you did for him?


I’ve left him in 2011 for a few months. Got back with him because I found out I was pregnant. Had a miscarriage. Right after found him in the home I just moved out of a week earlier with another woman. His ex. After we said we would work it out. That was the 2nd time he cheated. The other was with a co worker. Probably more that I don’t know of.

We get into screaming matches often

We don’t have sex anymore the last was before my surgery

We don’t cuddle and No dates

We laughed together this morning Watching TV

He has cheated on me. I have never cheated on him.

Yes we both work full time

We used to have family dinner every Sunday when his kids still lived here. I always did everything much more special when they were here. From nice dinners, holiday baking traditions, so many things. I could go on and on about that.

Now it’s random with my daughter because she’s older and has a different work schedule.

We both cook and clean

He brought me coffee in bed this morning

I made him breakfast



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I really feel your pain all the way around. I need to read your story more thoroughly but I saw enough to get started.

When people like you and I love someone we give it our all. No obstacle is too big or too small. If our partner responds in any negative way we automatically assume it's something we did wrong and we try harder and harder. This cycle goes on and on. In effect we are dependent on whatever affection no matter how small our partner gives us and we become addicted to that cycle. Like any addiction we live for whatever crumb that gets dropped to us.

Over time we realize we are unhappy and again we assume it's us- we did this or that wrong. We see the cycles but our addiction won't let us leave. We are so unhappy and see the cycles so clearly that we come to a site like this to help us see things better and at some point we always ask - " am I crazy?"

Truth is we know there is a problem and we know it can't be all on us but we can't move. Everyone on here tells you something that's true that you need to hear. Sometimes they are angry with their own lives so it seems harsh but if you sift through it you will see it's true. We weaken ourselves because every so often someone comes along that agrees with something we feel and our addiction jumps at that and throws all the other advice out . Then we slide backward again.

It took me two years and I went back and reread all the advice I got on here it finally sunk in. My summary and prayer for you. Write down everything that your husband has done year by year or just list it as you think of it. Re live those experiences because when we are addicted dependents we gloss over or forget all those times- it's how we survive. You need to remember what has happened all the way through and how you felt. You would not treat him or anyone this way. You will see he doesn't put you first. You wouldn't hit anyone the way he has hit you. You are scared and fear paralyzes you. Fear paralyzed me for 20+ years. Every day take a step that gets you and your daughter out of there. You started the apartment process now follow through. Leave when he is drunk and can't stop you.

People on here may not always say it the in the most gentle way but you do have a choice. If you get burned by a hot burner do you keep touching it? No you CHOOSE to not do that again. Your husband is a hot burner who keeps burning you- look at the list I want you to make- choose to not be hurt anymore
 

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Discussion Starter #295
I really feel your pain all the way around. I need to read your story more thoroughly but I saw enough to get started.

When people like you and I love someone we give it our all. No obstacle is too big or too small. If our partner responds in any negative way we automatically assume it's something we did wrong and we try harder and harder. This cycle goes on and on. In effect we are dependent on whatever affection no matter how small our partner gives us and we become addicted to that cycle. Like any addiction we live for whatever crumb that gets dropped to us.

Over time we realize we are unhappy and again we assume it's us- we did this or that wrong. We see the cycles but our addiction won't let us leave. We are so unhappy and see the cycles so clearly that we come to a site like this to help us see things better and at some point we always ask - " am I crazy?"

Truth is we know there is a problem and we know it can't be all on us but we can't move. Everyone on here tells you something that's true that you need to hear. Sometimes they are angry with their own lives so it seems harsh but if you sift through it you will see it's true. We weaken ourselves because every so often someone comes along that agrees with something we feel and our addiction jumps at that and throws all the other advice out . Then we slide backward again.

It took me two years and I went back and reread all the advice I got on here it finally sunk in. My summary and prayer for you. Write down everything that your husband has done year by year or just list it as you think of it. Re live those experiences because when we are addicted dependents we gloss over or forget all those times- it's how we survive. You need to remember what has happened all the way through and how you felt. You would not treat him or anyone this way. You will see he doesn't put you first. You wouldn't hit anyone the way he has hit you. You are scared and fear paralyzes you. Fear paralyzed me for 20+ years. Every day take a step that gets you and your daughter out of there. You started the apartment process now follow through. Leave when he is drunk and can't stop you.

People on here may not always say it the in the most gentle way but you do have a choice. If you get burned by a hot burner do you keep touching it? No you CHOOSE to not do that again. Your husband is a hot burner who keeps burning you- look at the list I want you to make- choose to not be hurt anymore


This has me in tears because this is how I feel and can’t put I to words. 100% how I feel!

Thank God my adult daughter doesn’t live with us.

The apartment is mine and I’m on the lease for 8 more months. He isn’t on the lease so he has to go. I think this is where I also feel stuck. Because how do I get him out?

I moved here to get away and he followed me and I was dumb and said ok we’ll see if the change of scenery helps. Dumb I know.

It’s easier for me to say don’t come back and change the locks when he’s done something wrong. But it’s not when he’s being ok so I don’t know how to handle.

I’m so sad and upset with myself because I know all of this. I watch many YouTube videos and read about all of this. So from a therapy perspective I know all of it. I just can’t move.

I’m paralyzed. I pray to God every night to please grant me a miracle, to build me up where I’ve been torn down and to remove him from my life. To do for me what I can’t do for myself. I feel like I’m there where he’s saying to get him out but I need strength and courage to finally do it.

The last bad relationship I was in many many years ago, truly the only reason I was able to get away from him was because he went to jail. Otherwise, who knows when I would have gotten him out of my life.

So yes, I need a miracle. I need strength. I need courage.

I’m still praying and I still need encouragement from you all.




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Every time you feel good about something with him read the list of all the bad things he has done to you. Keep the list with you and read it often. When we are in this toxic cycle we easily gloss over the bad because we jump so hard onto one tiny piece of good they may do.

Consciously or unconsciously he does good things to you to get you to back off. Read the list every time you lack motivation. The list is the truth, everything else is the fog of the addiction. Pray every time you question yourself and for strength. No matter how small of a step you take, make sure and take a step forward out of this every day.

Ask your landlord to help you. Have that person come and tell your husband the rent did not include another person. Your husband has to leave. Or that there have been complaints because he is loud when he is drunk and needs to leave. It doesn't matter how bizarre it sounds.

You feel stuck because you can't break the cycle. You can't break the cycle because your addicted to him and that addiction blinds you to the bad he has done. Change can't occur if we keep doing the same thing over and over- if you do the same actions you get the same results.

Think of it as literally ripping every fiber of your body apart from him. It grabs, it hurts, it pulls so very hard. If you keep ripping day by day you will free yourself. It is extremely important that no matter how you feel, what good thing you think he does or if you slide backwards some- keep reading the list of bad. Forgetting that list is what holds you back and keeps you stuck by giving you the wrong kind of hope you desperately want.
 

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It's not silly to think if you changed the scenery things might change. Our addictive dependent fog makes us think it's us or the surroundings we are in that is making our spouse do the things they do.

What did you find out? Nope, it's still happening. So what does that tell you? It's him- the pattern is the same. It's not the environment, it's not his ex, it's not just when his daughters are there, it's not just when you think you could have done something different or better. It's HIS pattern , it's who he is. The list will show you the pattern.
 

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Discussion Starter #298
Thank you!

I make a list of all past and daily?

He didn’t go out tonight so I won’t have a reason to be mad later and tomorrow.

But yes I’m going to make a list. Again, past and daily?


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Yes - keep track of the bad. You have to remember, survival sometimes depends on blocking out the bad things. But YOU need them remembered so you can break the cycle and become unstuck.

Being emotional and crying a lot for you is your internal fight going on trying to break free- it's a sign you are breaking free, change is occurring. Keep fighting keep remembering
 

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You obviously haven’t read all of this. Please don’t respond and give advice if you don’t know the whole story and I certainly hope you don’t think all that I’ve said is ok. You’re the FIRST and ONLY one here who has put some blame on me. Unreal.


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Ok I’ll be the second one. You are not perfect either. In fact from the way you go on here, I’d say you also are a lot of hard work. Remember, no one else except yourself can make you happy. You knew your H had kids when you married him. What did you expect he would drop them for you? You have no right to ask that of anyone. You may not want a relationship,with them but it’s not right to stop his relationship with them.

He may be a cad as someone said on here but you a e not blameless either. You are both toxic.
 
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