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Discussion Starter #261
The hardest part for you is the off switch. You need to learn how to limit your contact. There is no reason to fight. He has shown you he is a cad. Do not engage him except for the kids. When he whines about his time and trouble, learn how to say “I am sorry you feel that way” and walk off. He can’t whine if you are not there. Get an ipod, phone or whatever and a nice pait of noise cancelling headphones and drown him out.

Yes, it is hard being alone.
Yes, you just got out of surgery and your mortality is at the top of your mind.

He is NOT sending you mixed signals. It is you wanting more from a guy who refuses to give you anything.

He’s an emotional vampire for lack of a better term, he enjoys your misery whether you love him or not.

I’d take this post, by itself to the therapist let them help you unpack it.


The kids are his, not mine. They’re terrible. Thank God they don’t live here anymore but still causing problems I want no part of.


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The kids are his, not mine. They’re terrible. Thank God they don’t live here anymore but still causing problems I want no part of.


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Yes, I saw that and forgot as I kept reading. You interact and get mad when he talks about them, I just forgot.

You have zero reason to engage him at all except for any Legal paper work that needs to be signed to dissolve your relationship.

You really have to stop.
 

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Discussion Starter #264
Hi Turnera: My first appointment is this Monday. I know I really need it huh?

I am so close. I was going to text him
Today that I want a divorce and he needs to find somewhere to stay. I’m not sure why I’m so scared or what I am when there is no love, he’s no good for me, I just wanna be happy.

What is wrong with me?!


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Hi Turnera: My first appointment is this Monday. I know I really need it huh?

I am so close. I was going to text him
Today that I want a divorce and he needs to find somewhere to stay. I’m not sure why I’m so scared or what I am when there is no love, he’s no good for me, I just wanna be happy.

What is wrong with me?!


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What is wrong with you?

You married way, way, way beneath you. That's all.

Sometimes a Princess makes the mistake of marrying the palace gardener.

You made the slightly bigger mistake of marrying this little fellow:-

 

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Discussion Starter #266
Thank you all for coming back around to talk to me! I have been gone for awhile because how much of my crazy dysfunction can you handle, right? I need the help and support though. I'm getting there.

This is irrational but I get worried cause he has mutual friends, he loves Spanish women like me and I know he won't be single for long...I know this is so ridiculous but the thought of him moving on and me knowing the woman is getting the best parts of him that I love is killing me...also, I'm so afraid to run into him...ESPECIALLY with another woman so I think I'll turn into a hermit...how do I get over this?

I KNOW all of what you're saying! I know this. Why am I so stuck? It's like I'm frozen...can't make the move. I've never felt this way before.

Is it fear? Pride? Ego? Because I'm a lunatic?
 

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Discussion Starter #268
One foot out the door 😞

Yes what?

So I’m a lunatic? That’s why I sometimes feel like I deserve him. Because I have issues. Like I won’t find anyone else.

I was hoping to hear otherwise. Maybe I do deserve this.


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Re: One foot out the door 😞

Yes what?

So I’m a lunatic? That’s why I sometimes feel like I deserve him. Because I have issues. Like I won’t find anyone else.

I was hoping to hear otherwise. Maybe I do deserve this.


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Both you and your husband have serious issues. There's no good way of knowing who brought what into the relationship, whether one of you helped create more issues for the other. All we know is that it's pretty bad for each of you, and you're not going to find "answers" on TAM but you will get support for the process you're going through.

Your best hope is with therapy. I don't know what you can afford, but in terms of quantity, I think you need quite a bit. There's no instant fix, no single "aha!" moment and you'll have less anxiety and feel better and life in general. But you will learn to be the best you that you can be. Just stay with the process. Your therapy could be that one reliable thing in life that you've been missing.
 

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Discussion Starter #270
I still feel with what you’re saying that it could be my fault. How did I bring physical and emotional abuse on? Is that possible? I’m asking for an honest answer.


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If he is your husband you need to accept his good and his bad. No one is perfect. You want him to put you first and all your needs first but your a grown adult. You have to put him first too, and having a healthy Relationship with his kids is important.
You need to **** or get off the pot. You can’t be luke warm. You need to either accept him for who he is and love him and stop trying to make him perfect, or leave him. That’s it. Choose one and do it.
Go get a life. Go to the gym. Makes friends. Get hobbies. You spend too much time in the house your driving yourself and him crazy. It’s not healthy.
He will never be perfect. He will never always be there for you, he will never not drink and have a social life and have a relationship with his kids. You have to accept this and love him or love on.
 

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One foot out the door 😞

I still feel with what you’re saying that it could be my fault. How did I bring physical and emotional abuse on? Is that possible? I’m asking for an honest answer.


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No one deserves any of this. How long ago was the physically abusive? You forgave him and moved on so why do you keep bringing it up? You can’t play the victim, your a grown adult. Stay or leave.

Is it your fault? Of course not. People do bad things and its not the other persons fault. Just because someone does something bad doesn’t mean they are a bad person. Only you can decide if you will tolerate that behavior.

Every man and every women accepts the bad with their partner. Sometimes the bad becomes so bad that they need to leave.
 

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Discussion Starter #273
If he is your husband you need to accept his good and his bad. No one is perfect. You want him to put you first and all your needs first but your a grown adult. You have to put him first too, and having a healthy Relationship with his kids is important.
You need to **** or get off the pot. You can’t be luke warm. You need to either accept him for who he is and love him and stop trying to make him perfect, or leave him. That’s it. Choose one and do it.
Go get a life. Go to the gym. Makes friends. Get hobbies. You spend too much time in the house your driving yourself and him crazy. It’s not healthy.
He will never be perfect. He will never always be there for you, he will never not drink and have a social life and have a relationship with his kids. You have to accept this and love him or love on.


You obviously haven’t read all of this. Please don’t respond and give advice if you don’t know the whole story and I certainly hope you don’t think all that I’ve said is ok. You’re the FIRST and ONLY one here who has put some blame on me. Unreal.


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Discussion Starter #274 (Edited)
One foot out the door 😞

No one deserves any of this. How long ago was the physically abusive? You forgave him and moved on so why do you keep bringing it up? You can’t play the victim, your a grown adult. Stay or leave.

Is it your fault? Of course not. People do bad things and its not the other persons fault. Just because someone does something bad doesn’t mean they are a bad person. Only you can decide if you will tolerate that behavior.

Every man and every women accepts the bad with their partner. Sometimes the bad becomes so bad that they need to leave.


I’m not a victim?! How am I not a victim? He has gaslighted me, emotionally and physically abused me and has a drinking problem, won’t communicate without angry outbursts and sometimes still sleeps with his 12 year old daughter!! How am I not a victim? And HOW DO YOU THINK THIS IS ACCEPTABLE?!

The last time was this October when he pushed me and I fell and almost Broke my wrist and had huge bruises on my stomach and thigh! So only a few months ago. Again, please don’t reply if you haven’t read ALL that has happened. You’re the only person here now making me feel like I’m wrong, deserve that and should stay.

Can someone else who has been here with me respond? Because now I’ve lost all the courage and strength I almost had. I don’t even get how Girl Power thinks this is ok?

I’m so close to making him leave and now I’m questioning it. I’m really upset.


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Re: One foot out the door 😞

I’m not a victim?! How am I not a victim? He has gaslighted me, emotionally and physically abused me and has a drinking problem, won’t communicate without angry outbursts and sometimes still sleeps with his 12 year old daughter!! How am I not a victim? And HOW DO YOU THINK THIS IS ACCEPTABLE?!

The last time was this October when he pushed me and I fell and almost Broke my wrist and had huge bruises on my stomach and thigh! So only a few months ago. Again, please don’t reply if you haven’t read ALL that has happened. You’re the only person here now making me feel like I’m wrong, deserve that and should stay.

Can someone else who has been here with me respond? Because now I’ve lost all the courage and strength I almost had. I don’t even get how Girl Power thinks this is ok?

I’m so close to making him leave and now I’m questioning it. I’m really upset.


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What I have read is that you are indecisive on whether or not you want to leave him. You say you want to leave him, then you give him your address. And you let him take care of you after surgery. So I’m sorry if I am getting mixed signals from you.

No one is blaming you. I did not blame you. You are not reading what I am writing to you. I said no one deserves to be treated that way. So why are you allowing him to treat you that way? You are not a child, you can leave him.
 

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Re: One foot out the door 😞

I’m not a victim?! How am I not a victim? He has gaslighted me, emotionally and physically abused me and has a drinking problem, won’t communicate without angry outbursts and sometimes still sleeps with his 12 year old daughter!! How am I not a victim? And HOW DO YOU THINK THIS IS ACCEPTABLE?!

Can someone else who has been here with me respond? Because now I’ve lost all the courage and strength I almost had. I don’t even get how Girl Power thinks this is ok?

I’m so close to making him leave and now I’m questioning it. I’m really upset.
Apparently you think your husband's behavior is at least tolerable (even if unacceptable) because you are still living with him.

Now you are trying to blame the collapse of your desire to leave on some stranger out in cyberspace who you feel gave you the wrong advice.

Yes, you are a victim - the victim of not taking control of your own life. Don't blame @Girl_power for your inability to leave. Seriously.
 

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Discussion Starter #277
I wasn’t blaming her I said she’s the first person who made me feel like it was me and that I shouldn’t be so hard on him which made me feel like maybe I should stay. So yes that made me question it.

I didn’t come here to get to made to feel bad. I came here for help. I know my situation is really bad but when I question myself I don’t need to hear that I shouldn’t be so hard on him. That keeps me feeling stuck.

Which I don’t know why I feel stuck. It’s a horrible feeling and was looking for advice on why I may feel that way and what I can do to get past it.




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I still feel with what you’re saying that it could be my fault. How did I bring physical and emotional abuse on? Is that possible? I’m asking for an honest answer.


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You did NOTHING to bring it on.

Accepting, staying, forgiving, excusing, blaming other’s advice and remaining with the man abusing is your fault.

It is not easy for many people to just cut someone loose, gender doesn’t matter, when you consider your life entanglements. What many people do is weigh time, finances, children, and a lifetime of experience in their decision.


If someone is abusing you all of the above changes.

You don’t stay because of the children when you are being abused.
You don’t stay because of finances when you are being abused.
You don’t stay because of life experiences with this person when you are being abused.

You don’t stay because of time invested when you are being abused.


Again, I am not saying it is easy, but there is a point when it is all about you and your decisions.

So, yes, you have found reasons to stay with a dangerous man and forgave him. This means it is your CHOICE and your fault if you stay. It never means you ask for it, deserve it or want it. It just means you are faulted for staying.
 

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We all want to help you. But your still in victim mode. I mean you literally just blamed me for not leaving your husband.

We want to empower you and support you and encourage you. But we aren’t going to cookie coat anything, and we aren’t going to say it’s going to be an easy. It isn’t. And the truth is, you clearly have a lot of issues as well and your not perfect.
I do not think you are emotionally stable enough to leave him. I think you need to take control of your life little by little, get confidence, go to therapy, and wean him out of your life.
 
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