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Get the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Bancroft. Once you start learning about the abuse you're undergoing, you'll be better able to repel it.
 

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I second Turnera's book recommendation.

The issue is not black and white. It's not all you or all him. He's 100% responsible for leaving you to pick up the pieces when he fails to do something he said he would, for pushing you and then lying about it, for whatever living situation he has, for his alcoholism, for not paying his bills, and for choosing to blame you about all of this and more over taking responsibility for himself and his bad choices. He treats you like his mother, expects you to baby him, and then gets angry when he actually has to be responsible for himself. He is an awful mess and you need to stay far away from him.

That said, I agree with Prodigal. You too need to work on yourself. You cannot control his choices but your choices are why you have stuck by this train wreck for so long and why you keep failing to extract yourself from it. You know what I do when someone is in my house that I don't want and refuses to leave? Call the police. I don't pity party about how there's nothing I can do and how powerless I am. I take action. When he crosses your boundaries and refuses to stop, you have choices. You have legal recourse. He doesn't get to force you into letting him stay when he's not welcome. The first line of defense is "No". It's a full sentence. You don't need to justify, argue, or defend. If he keeps whining, you stop replying. You turn off your phone. You block his phone number. If he shows up to your apartment, you call the police. The only one who can stop him from walking all over you is you.

You are a catch but it's to people like your STBXH and narcissists because you lack the ability to set boundaries for yourself. You can be a catch for a healthy person if you take the time to see an IC, read some books like the one Tunera suggested and "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie, and practice standing up for yourself. Your future will not be a lonely one if you do the work but it will be a miserable one with a new dysfunctional partner if you don't and being with a bad partner is even more isolating and alone than being without one.
 

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Discussion Starter #243
Hello thank you I do have the book and I’m going to read it again.

I’m still in same situation wanting out. He hasn’t changed. I gave him a long email about poor choices and told him
I want legal separation. He of course is offended. Here is what I said below.
I thought I was being a loving wife? Trying to help? Never intended to make anyone feel bad.

“I appreciate you apologizing and saying you’ll make a change but you’ve broken way too many promises to me. I’m not sure if it’s cause you’re truly incapable of stopping and really need help or if you just don’t care because you know that I’ve backed on my ultimatums how many times now? I’ve tried to be super supportive and have taken EVERY approach with you and have suggested every approach but unfortunately none of them have worked. I don’t know why and I’m done trying to figure out why. I get that you need time with “friends” but I can’t tell you enough that Donny isn’t a friend to you. He’s bad news. I couldn’t stand being around him the first time I met him. Remember when I said all those things to you and Steven about Amanda? You didn’t hear me. I knew right off the bat she was bad news and look now? I was crazy for thinking it then but I’m right. I’m ALWAYS right about my vibes with people. That’s a gift I’ve had forever. You don’t see it though.

It's not that I don’t want you to have a life. I get that you’re a social person and it’s ok but when you take the opportunities to go on benders even on a TUESDAY knowing you had to work overtime? Even my brother was like “damn Jess, he still does that? He’s not over it yet? I love Sean but why doesn’t he just come to his wife?”

I mean, Sean, I’ve had one foot out the door for how long? Last weekend when you promised change and promised me a talk knowing how upset I’ve been and then being so tired from working over the night before, you decided to go hang out with Donny and Alex for ONE and wound up coming home at who knows what time? If you want to live a single life and do these things and hang with single guy friends as often as you have been, who have no benefit to your life than go ahead. You shouldn’t be married then. There is a thing called balance and I don’t see that you know what that is. I don’t need to bring up past relationships but I’ve never been with anyone who does what you do. It’s like just be normal, go to work, come home to your wife and be a normal family man who goes out occasionally, etc. Someone who has their stuff together with good, positive goals for the future. I’m sorry, but with the path you’ve been on and continue to be on, we’re never going to have the things we’ve always dreamed of. A nice house, etc. We could have had that but your behavior has made me deter because I don’t trust you to be responsible or motivated enough to be able to help maintain, contribute and not leave me stuck one day with a mound of bills, bankruptcy, etc. I don’t want that. I want to be happy, established and know that I, as the wife and woman of the house should never have to worry about that. With you, I do.

I’ve been so scared to have a pet because of your anger issues and how much you yell and the possibility of harming it, etc. I’ve been afraid to sleep at night sometimes not knowing what you’ll do when drinking? Is he going to black out and burn the place down? Is he going to get home safe? Why hasn’t he texted back? Why is his phone off? Where is he? You never are available. Like GOD FORBID there was an emergency. You are too chill about things. Like it’s no way to live.

My health has deteriorated because the addition of our issues has been really bad for all of the other health issues I have going on. I’m trying though. I want my implants out, I want to feel healthy, workout, etc. I can’t until I have the energy that I need.

I’m taking steps with my issues/battles. Why won’t you?

You refuse to get checked for health issues, refuse to follow up on the important things like your debit card, etc. Nothing that is important or that you SHOULD act responsible towards you do. You’re too chill and whatever. That’s now how a grown man should act. It’s called getting your priorities in line. Long overdue.

I appreciate all of the little things you have done and do for me. You can be so good taking care of me, cooking, etc. but Sean it isn’t enough. That isn’t enough to hold a marriage together. There have been too many issues with the girls, how you have treated me with regards to them, communication, your addictions and the physical which whatever has driven you to that point is NEVER ACCEPTABLE. You would NEVER treat your children that way. Why treat your wife, who has been there that way? Cause you don’t care. It isn’t love.

It's so frustrating to deal with the lies, your broken promises and your lack of respect for me. The constant worry about you, MY HUSBAND has tore me down. Your issues have affected me mentally and emotionally. You know how much I care, so why are you so incapable of saying damn, I never want her to feel this way? You can’t and won’t.

Why don’t you want better for YOURSELF? Why don’t you open your eyes and seek the help that you need. With regards to addictions, girls and guilty father issues, etc. GET HELP!

Me trying to change the situation has made me lose myself, caused me health issues and lack of respect for MYSELF. I’ve lost who I used to be. Happy and easy going, etc. I’m always on edge, worried, upset, feeling disrespected. It’s not fair. It’s because I feel like I’m the only one putting in effort to fix things. I have held out for so many years, hoping for change and you’ve proven me wrong over and over. I’ve also held out because I know the good sides of you and the good in you but those sides aren’t always there. You battle your own demons and you’re the only one who can help yourself. There has been way too many ups and downs for the last 12-13 years? It’s been so long, I lost count. Whether a relationship with an addict can be recovered depends on how much he’s willing to change and how much damage has been done already. There has been way too much damage done. What hurts the most is all of the time put in, all of the good memories, all of the POTENTIAL that I see being flushed down the toilet. All of the years that I’ve wasted. All of my most youthful, beautiful years. All of the wasted effort. My brain has been so scrambled that I haven’t trusted my own judgment. I have lost faith in believing in what I KNOW is right. I feel hurt, angry, resentful and unfulfilled.

You said it yourself, “you knew what you were getting after 10 years”. I should have left it at that. Left you there at that. If I could only turn back the hands of time, but I can’t. I’ll never get those years back but I can work towards a happier and better future for myself.

You promised me change, you promised me a conversation how many times now and we’re still in the same place relationship but different living situation. I left because of all of the above. STILL here. I’m over it. I want to file for a legal separation. Until you can get help and prove to me that you are going to change, I want out. I’m sorry, I LOVE you, have loved you forever and always will but I can’t live like this anymore. It’s not just about last night. This you know. You’ve had every chance in the world.”

He responded with I’m sorry I never want you to feel that way. I’ll start being better today. Promise. I’m gonna better myself.

I said. Your words aren't good enough right now.

He said Well ya, and you've been sick your dad died so I'm sorry baby that's so sad. I feel like a horrible human being with all of it. I'm sorry you view everything so horribly and hold on to it all. I'm sorry. I can only try to fix today and make it good . Set us up for tomorrow. I'm sorry I let you down as a husband and never managed to meet expectations. I'm truly not as cool as I think I am.

Because I don’t believe a word my response was I want legal separation filed. I don't want to be tied to any of your decisions that could impact me financially or legally any longer. He didn’t say much after that and he when I got home he asked if I was hungry but pretty much gave silent treatment which upset me. Because I’m thinking why isn’t he kissing my butt? Fighting for us? Saying the things I would think a husband losing his wife would say. Makes me feel like he doesn’t care. I told him this.

He snooped through my dresser drawers today. Then because I was late said oh you have something going on?
He won’t leave. Said he paid rent I said I’ll give it back .He is giving me silent treatment. So I said why he said he never wants to hear anything that I said today ever again. He has a chance to talk to me and he turns it into that?
He’s like why would I ever say something after all you said? I said you sure aren’t acting like a husband who’s afraid to lose his wife after everything she said today. He said why would I be. I’m so bad right? I said you’ve made some bad decisions. Yes.

He is making me feel like I said something wrong. I took the key he said he’s leaving and I can run circles in my head myself . That I’m wrong and told him he was a piece of **** today
That wasn’t my intent. It was to get him to open his eyes. I told him I just wanna be alone that he’s not on the lease that I never asked him to come here that I asked for space and he didn’t give it
He said That he was giving me space today.That he was crushed by what I said and I didn’t let him have a moment
I said how am I supposed to know you’re crushed when you don’t talk to me?! Like am I supposed to play mind reader? He said I would never know he was crushed. He doesn’t wanna have today’s conversation ever again
That I have a perception problem that I take everything wrong. Everything. That my perception is skewed.
That makes me feel horrible like nothing that I feel is valid or that I’m crazy. Asking too much?

I’m not trying to be difficult. I think what I said was put ok?

I’m questioning it like did I do wrong? Expect too much? I don’t know what’s wrong or right anymore? Am I wrong?

I’m so exhausted of all of this. In the middle of nervous breakdown.


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Discussion Starter #244
Hello? Anyone? I know post is long but could use some support. Feel like what I told him was mean? For me, it took a very long time to put that together, and I thought that I put it together firmly but nicely as well? And of course I’m feeling guilty for it and bad for it?


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No it wasn't mean as you say, but honest this is nothing to what he has said and done. This may give him a wake up call but as l see it you are still bending over backwards to be co-dependent and not shake loose from him.
 

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Hello? Anyone? I know post is long but could use some support. Feel like what I told him was mean? For me, it took a very long time to put that together, and I thought that I put it together firmly but nicely as well? And of course I’m feeling guilty for it and bad for it?


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It’s not mean, I’m married to a similar man, who is selfish and does things their way. In fact I’m convinced man has NPD, fits the bill in every way.

If you make ultimatums, follow through, do not get sucked in. You are likely trauma bonded to him, it’s not love. He is abusing you emotionally and psychologically. Get out and follow through, he has shown you who he is.
 

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Discussion Starter #247
Thank you so much for getting back to me! I’m at home crying of course ha ha no shocker there right? He definitely is not changing. And I don’t know if it’s because he really had a problem or if it’s because he’s had it with my negativity and constant questioning and complaining or if he just really doesn’t care anymore.

He didn’t text me after work and asked me if I wanted to go to the movies and I said no it’s OK because I know you’ve worked overtime the last couple days and you’re probably really tired you’re probably just fall asleep it’s OK. I said I’m just gonna go and visit my daughter for a little while. And he said OK. And that was it. I figured he was coming home and probably going to sleep.

Well I get here and of course he’s not here, of course his phone is off, and I texted his friend the one that I like that I know he’s normally with here in there and he said he left him and the guy that I don’t like that is a really bad influence on him at the bar at about 5 o’clock. He asked me if I wanted him to call him and I said no it’s OK I called myself and his phone is off.

So I get that he asked me to do something, I get that he’s a grown man and can make us all decisions, but I didn’t think that me saying I was going to visit my daughter would be an excuse to go to the bar with someone who is such a jerk who I don’t trust who is such a bad influence?

I feel like I’m so pathetic, because we get so upset that her husband is at the bar having a couple of drinks right? But I am upset because I feel like he lied to me. The first thing you texted that morning when he knew he did the wrong thing gambling all night the night before, was I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you I’m going to do better starting today. So is this doing better? Or am I completely out of line? Because I feel like a loser sitting here crying over who knows what?



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Lies Lies and more Lies. Don't believe him at all. You should only be thinking of yourself.
 

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You are still trying to get him to pick you. You aren't really trying to leave.

Change the lock and put his stuff outside.
Don't tell him you want a separation. You get a lawyer or legal aid and you file for separation. Better file for divorce.

But if you are actually playing the pick me game then don't turn him down when he picks you.
 

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Discussion Starter #250
I know. I can’t do this. I keep telling him to leave and he refuses. I can’t say anything right without him getting defensive and he can’t say what I want and need to hear. I just told him in the nicest way. You’re tired of me being negative and I’m tired of you taking everything I say personally and feeling in trouble for it. We just don’t get along. I respect that you’re tired and you should respect that I’m tired too. We don’t get along. We’re not a fit and it’s ok. I’ve come to accept that. He said he knows how to communicate and I said ok, as usual I’m the one who can’t. All good. Got it.

Why won’t he leave? Like just get his things and go? It would make it so much easier on me.




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Discussion Starter #251
Hi everyone - so tonight I have decided once and for all that I’m done. I want him gone and I mean this. After he made a promise to show me different he still went to the bar and gambled. I get that social life is important but he doesn’t stop. I get he got home at a decent hour but he still broke a promise. I don’t trust him. So I don’t know what you all suggest I do to get him out?

Can he say I let him stay here and he’s my husband and give me hard time? He’s not on the lease and the final straw for me to leave was when he pushed me. What to do?

I know, I know I shouldn’t have let him come stay here at all but I felt sorry because he was on strike at work, etc. huge mistake I know.

I’m panicking now at how I do this. I can’t find his car keys that have the apartment key so I could keep him out.

Do I just tell him tomorrow to take his things. He has a certain time to get what he needs tomorrow and then have him leave the key? I can then box up the rest and leave it somewhere? Then I will call to have the locks changed.

If he gives me a hard time do I say I’ll have the cops remove him? I have photos of when he pushed me and will use that I i have to? Of course I don’t want to but I think my wrist may be broken Because even though it happened a while ago it still hurts anytime I bump it into something and my right thigh still has bumps inside of it and hurts if it touches something. So every time Im reminded of that, I am scared and don’t feel safe. I just don’t feel safe anymore with him period. Sober or not.

Could I use the photos now to police even though it happened at the end of December?

I’m super sad and I know I’m a pain and difficult to please but there is just something that’s telling me it’s time. I want to be alone for once. I don’t want to live this way anymore. We’re not a match. He has too many issues and so do I. But we don’t mesh.

Just want to focus on me. I did something I’ve always wanted to
do and couldn’t cause of him was to get a puppy. She comes home in mid December. I’m so happy! But I’m so afraid to have him around cause if he has a moment and hurts it I would die! It’s so sad I even feel this way but it’s the truth.

I haven’t felt this strong in a while. What do I need to do? I need to get him out.


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Hi everyone - so tonight I have decided once and for all that I’m done. I want him gone and I mean this. After he made a promise to show me different he still went to the bar and gambled. I get that social life is important but he doesn’t stop. I get he got home at a decent hour but he still broke a promise. I don’t trust him. So I don’t know what you all suggest I do to get him out?

Can he say I let him stay here and he’s my husband and give me hard time? He’s not on the lease and the final straw for me to leave was when he pushed me. What to do?

I know, I know I shouldn’t have let him come stay here at all but I felt sorry because he was on strike at work, etc. huge mistake I know.

I’m panicking now at how I do this. I can’t find his car keys that have the apartment key so I could keep him out.

Do I just tell him tomorrow to take his things. He has a certain time to get what he needs tomorrow and then have him leave the key? I can then box up the rest and leave it somewhere? Then I will call to have the locks changed.

If he gives me a hard time do I say I’ll have the cops remove him? I have photos of when he pushed me and will use that I i have to? Of course I don’t want to but I think my wrist may be broken Because even though it happened a while ago it still hurts anytime I bump it into something and my right thigh still has bumps inside of it and hurts if it touches something. So every time Im reminded of that, I am scared and don’t feel safe. I just don’t feel safe anymore with him period. Sober or not.

Could I use the photos now to police even though it happened at the end of December?

I’m super sad and I know I’m a pain and difficult to please but there is just something that’s telling me it’s time. I want to be alone for once. I don’t want to live this way anymore. We’re not a match. He has too many issues and so do I. But we don’t mesh.

Just want to focus on me. I did something I’ve always wanted to
do and couldn’t cause of him was to get a puppy. She comes home in mid December. I’m so happy! But I’m so afraid to have him around cause if he has a moment and hurts it I would die! It’s so sad I even feel this way but it’s the truth.

I haven’t felt this strong in a while. What do I need to do? I need to get him out.
You've been getting roughly the same advice for a while now. Make him leave. Don't ask him...MAKE HIM. Take his crap and put it out the door and he can take it and leave. If he makes a stink about it, call the police and have him removed. He's not on the lease so he can't stay there if you don't want him to. Call the super/management and ask to have the locks changed if he won't give the key back. Cite domestic violence for the reason if they NEED one to have the locks changed...they will do it quickly after that.

You've been making this a choice for him. You've been letting him choose to stay even though it's not what YOU want.

YOU get to choose now, not him. It sounds like you know exactly WHAT you want. Go get it.
 

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Now you’re getting a puppy with him around and you’re afraid he may hurt it? Come on already! Change the darn locks, put his stuff out the door and that’s that. Stop analyzing every conversation with him. File for divorce and carry on with your life. Or, keep doing what you’re doing, just spinning in circles.

You really should NOT be getting a pet until you are 100% away with this husband of yours. I feel bad for the dog.
 

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Discussion Starter #254 (Edited)
One foot out the door 😞

I know that I have. I just wanted to make sure I’m approaching it right. Like making him leave just seems so mean instead of saying hey can you leave? And if you don’t then this is what will happen. Good to know about him not saying that we’re married and he has rights/can stay. That I don’t want.

It’s not what I want. I know that I’m going to miss him like crazy. I know that I’m going to mourn him so much. I’m going to feel so lonely. I’m going to question if I made the right decision. I can feel the panic kicking in already. Because again, I feel like I’m too much. I’m too needy. I ask for too much. Like don’t normal wives say ok to going out once in a while to have a beer at the bar? So I feel like I’m too hard on him because he 95% of the time just comes home.

I just hope I don’t have a nervous breakdown. Because my obsessive a analytical mind sucks!

But yes, I want to do what I want to do. I want to have a life free of worry of what he’s doing, what he could be doing to me in anger, etc. I want to be free of his daughters. I’m super hurt and upset that they discarded my daughter and I the way they have after all that we did with and for them. I’m crushed.

I want to workout, I want to get healthy, I want to make new friends and start to live. I haven’t been doing that. My life has been just me, him and my daughter and his kids for years. Like I never really did much alone because God forbid I wasn’t there when his kids visited. I was “never around” so I felt like I couldn’t do anything. Like if I did I was viewed poorly.

I’ve been taking a new medicine called Lumiday Mood Enhancement which I really like! It’s all natural and better than Zoloft.

He came in and prayed over us this morning out of nowhere which was super random and although I’m touched because it was powerful, his words were it’s just not enough to make me say I want to work on this any longer.

He will be gone before the puppy comes home. This is one of the main reason’s I want him out now too. I would never allow that or any potential harm. She doesn’t come home until mid December which I’m looking forward to because she’ll be my new companion and the support and love that I need. I’m really looking forward to a fresh, new life.

I’m also sad that he won’t see me as the confident women I have always wanted to be. He’s seen emotional, needy, negative, Whiney, insecure crazy person who obsesses and can’t let things go. Not always but a lot. So that makes me sad.

I have to get help though before I get into another relationship because I’ve gone from one narcissist to another. My fiancé before these two was a saint. Nothing like him and of course I screwed him over and wound up with two in a row.

So what do I say? Hey, I’ve been thinking and I really just want you to leave? I really need some time for me and I want time apart, etc.? What do you recommend I say?

Do I give him till end of month?




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You're not going to get anywhere until you stop playing the poor, put-upon spouse who doesn't want to appear to be mean and feels sorry for him and blah, blah, ****ing blah. Take responsibility for yourself. Change the locks, pack his crap, put it in the hall and refund him any unused rent money.

You've been advised this multiple times.

Stop petting the damn drama llama.
 

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File for divorce. If you can muster the courage to do that, the problem of him leaving will go away.

You remind me of my OCD sister who agonizes and agonizes, asking everyone around her relentlessly, getting a chorus in response, but is still unable to take the smallest of steps.

Take a step. File.
 

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Discussion Starter #259
Hi! It's been awhile. Thank you all for the continued support. I had my surgery and am still recovering. He didn't come even though he asked. I said just stay home with the dog. He left the next day to drive two hours to pick up his kids, stay the night at a hotel and then next morning drove another two hours to go to his families. He spent that whole time, including Christmas there. He came home yesterday so they could see their grandpa who flew in from Florida. Get this, the sacrifices are immeasurable. He drove two hours from his families then dropped them off at their friends then drove thirty minutes here then went back picked them up and drove them to their cousins forty minutes away cause they wanted to see her too then drove back here. All in a few hours time cause he had to do whatever they asked. It's all over the top.



I have had a rough week full of depression and the recovery didn't go as I planned. For starters I had to rehome my puppy cause my daughter is allergic then him and I were text fighting the whole time cause he wasn't giving me what I needed which was a conversation and he couldn't do it cause he had company which are his kids so we fought cause I said you see it doesn't change and it's going to be worse cause you'll be seeing them less. I'm sorry but that doesn't mean you put your wife's needs last. With him it does.


anyway, I know I said and told him that he wasn't bringing his kids here I feel bad for him cause his niece is in ICU and there's lots going on there. I said you can stay here I know there's lots going on and even though you know the issues I have you said you would make changes and here's your chance to show me. I said how is the 12 year old? Has she outgrown it since you've seen her or is it worse cause she hasn't seen you for awhile? He got so upset. Said he wasn't going to stay here and be on trial with them and worry if his daughter is being affectionate that he can't do that. I said I'm not saying she can't be but you need to correct the competition and mini wife issues and I tell you this out of love and concern. I said instead of getting defensive why can't you see that I went back on my word and say something like thank you I understand and yes we'll see how it goes? He said all I had to say was ok and not the other stuff. I said of course I had to say the other stuff cause I'm letting you know why I'm going back on my word.


I then told him again we don't get along and we just need to move on. I said nothing I said was bad. At all. He said he doesn't want to have rules or restrictions on interacting with his daughters and that I'll never try to stop it again. He said he's upset that he can't be spending the holidays with his family and that it's my fault cause I decided to have surgery during the holidays. I said my health is a priority!! I got it done over the holiday cause I had vacation that I would lose and I finally had the money. This is the 3rd time he has said I could have waited to have surgery. That makes me feel so bad. He said all of our arguments for the last 10 years have been my fault. He said he only gets hos kids for two we weeks and why do I have to make out so difficult? I said don't forget why I told you not to come here in the first place. That hurt me more than you know and of course even though I know it's not true he has me questioning it.

I had a major melt down, like a nervous breakdown as I told him I couldn't do this anymore and all of this is too much. I just had major surgery and am recovering and am devastated about the puppy and so sad that our marriage isn't going to ever work and do you know he didn't even apologize. He just closed the door and said stop crying so hard. That was such a huge slap in the face especially cause he knows how emotional and fragile I am and I've been in a severe depression.

So yah I'm here, he's here. He's been taking care of me but today was such a bad day. And his kids who knows where they are cause he lets them do whatever. It's only going to be worse the less he sees them for all of our issues.


Am I needing too hard on him? I know his feelings are hurt cause he knows I don't care to see his kids. I can't help how I feel. I just can't.

why am I so weak? Afraid to be alone? This week I was so lonely I couldn't handle it. It's like I can't make the move knowing all I know. It's like I'm stuck.


i feel terrible. I can't shake this sadness.

So on Friday cause I thought I needed it had a few drinks and I guess I went to a bad place. I got upset cause I saw a picture of my surgeon and said you know what? You never even met my surgeon. Cause you weren't involved. He said again I had to watch the dog. No he didn't. I told him to just do that cause it seemed like he really didn't wanna be there. So I said some means things. That if it was his daughters he would have been there. That he has all of these Facebook posts boasting how beautiful they are and how proud he is of them but has he ever done that for me? His wife who has been there! I said you tell them all of the time that they're beautiful on front of me but never the other way around. I told him to get the eff out is my life. I told him that I hate and resent him. So yes I was drinking so that didn't help and I was mean and hurtful. I know he's been a jerk but I feel bad.


So, I made a decision last week. That I want to move. I want to be closer to the city where my family and job is and where I grew up instead is living here he has wanted all these years cause of his damn kids!! I told him I wanted to do that last week when we got into the argument and he said he wants all his girls living with him. He said he wants a big house with me, my adult daughter, her girlfriend, his two teenage brats AND their older sister from another dad!! WTH?!?!

Anyway, so I found a place a really nice place that I know I'll be happy at. I didn't tell him until today after I signed the lease. I felt bad keeping secrets so I told him.

I told him. He was super calm and said like that were him it would be over. I said well you said you were looking for you and girls so I did what’s best for me. I said what are you gonna do? He said he was gonna think about it.

Because I stupidly love him I said let's go to therapy. I said just show me that you will go to the first one. Otherwise it's not a good idea for you to move with me.
He just flipped out said no it’s not a good time with everything else going on that now he has to train this week, has to find a place, I said you just said you were gonna think about it? He said well training and now have to think about it. He said I’ve (me) have done enough in January and to add counseling is not good time. That I'm interfering with the status quo. He said I’ve (me) have done enough. That it’s Sunday, why do we have to talk and why can’t we just rest? There has to be a time or rest. I said if you’re not over everything that you say I’ve done to ruin January and the mean things I said the other night why are you here? Why are you trying to kiss me? Why? He said yah why do you wanna move with me too? And slammed the door.

I said nothing I said ruined your relaxation today he said I’m causing anxiety for him
I said me asking about counseling isn’t anxiety inducing me asking you why you’re giving me mixed signals isn’t anxiety inducing. He said I give mixed signals. I said all of my decisions have been clear and I’ve let you know he said yah ask what everyone else thinks about your clear decisions.I said I moved from our last home cause of our issues and because you pushed me! It was a quick move to what was available! I said cause of you I moved quickly! Cause of you!! I said tell everyone else that ok?! Instead of making me look like the bad one!


From October until now yes things have been crazy, I had to move right away because of our issues and this is the first place available so this is where I move to. Then he came along even though I said I needed time. Then I had my surgery and got a puppy that I couldn't take care of Cause I went into a serious depression. Then I now am feeling better so I made the decision to move again to the area that I want to be in. Not him or his kids but ME! I know it's a lot but I've been in a brain fog and feel like I can think straight again somewhat. He makes me feel like I'm nuts and unstable. So I'm questioning if I am crazy? Did I make a mistake? I'm panicking and feeling bad right now.

So I have another foot out of another door.

I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow but in the meantime.


Please talk to me.



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The hardest part for you is the off switch. You need to learn how to limit your contact. There is no reason to fight. He has shown you he is a cad. Do not engage him except for the kids. When he whines about his time and trouble, learn how to say “I am sorry you feel that way” and walk off. He can’t whine if you are not there. Get an ipod, phone or whatever and a nice pait of noise cancelling headphones and drown him out.

Yes, it is hard being alone.
Yes, you just got out of surgery and your mortality is at the top of your mind.

He is NOT sending you mixed signals. It is you wanting more from a guy who refuses to give you anything.

He’s an emotional vampire for lack of a better term, he enjoys your misery whether you love him or not.

I’d take this post, by itself to the therapist let them help you unpack it.
 
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