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Discussion Starter #222
Thank you. I feel like I’m going to be miserable without him too.

But yes. My daughter is 25 so she has her own life and I just feel like I’m going to be lonely.

I’m afraid of losing my job too. What would I do then? Afford this apartment?


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So what is it you seek from us here?

Multiple pages with many good suggestions.

You have no social life. You don't exercise. You fixate on your husband.

What do you want to accomplish here on TAM?
 

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You have analysis paralysis, in my opinion. You will find small issues to use as arguments to not make big changes. Any small thing will be the next excuse to stay in the relationship. When you are ready to let go, you will know it. The measly excuses won't mean anything to you anymore.

You're not ready to leave him yet. You may never be. We can't really help you until you're truly on the road to helping yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter #225
Prodigal did you read that I’m sick? Physically ill. Of course I want more of a social life and to exercise.

What I want here is to talk things out and support.


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Prodigal did you read that I’m sick? Physically ill. Of course I want more of a social life and to exercise.

What I want here is to talk things out and support.
You did not indicate when you first posted in August that you were ill. If you are sick, do you plan to see a doctor or a specialist in the near future?

You have been talking about your issues. You have been given suggestions and support.

Again, what is it you seek here? Could you tell us what has been insufficient thus far regarding the suggestions and support we have offered?

Do you feel that you haven't told us everything or have left something out? Do you feel our support has been lacking? Just trying to figure out what support you feel would be best in going forward.
 

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Thank you. I feel like I’m going to be miserable without him too.

But yes. My daughter is 25 so she has her own life and I just feel like I’m going to be lonely.

I’m afraid of losing my job too. What would I do then? Afford this apartment?
Several important things here in this one post. First, you seem to be saying that you can't be happy without a man in your life. Why is that? My mom kicked my cheating husband out in her mid-30s and never looked back. Only dated once the rest of her life; she just couldn't be bothered, said she wasn't about to twist herself into a pretzel for another man. Said she could do whatever she wanted, when she wanted, go wherever she wanted, being single.

Your goal should be to become happy BY YOURSELF. That way, if/when you DO meet some man, he will just be icing on top of the cake, an added bonus to an already happy life.

By telling yourself you can't be happy without a man, you are GIVING that man, ANY man, power over you. Control over you. Doesn't that sound ridiculous? Find your happiness. Figure out what you'd like to do in life and achieve it. Leave men out for now until you've done some growing.

Your daughter missed out on a lot of time with you while you were involved with this man; in some of her most important years. Now is a great time to reconnect with her (on her schedule, of course) WITHOUT having a man around. Plus, you leaving an abusive man is an incredible role model for her; you would be surprised how much she will duplicate YOUR choices in life because watching you is how she learns how to be an adult. Would you want HER staying with an abusive man?

How much money are you putting into a savings account? You should have a $1000 emergency fund and then you should be putting aside 3 to 6 months of expenses in a savings account in case you lose your job so you can still pay your bills until you find a new job.

Do you see the point here? YOU are in control of your life. YOU can make choices that put you in a position of power and let you lead the life you want, a healthy one. Time to stop playing the victim.
 

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He can find a place fast or he can use a temporary place.

If you let him not find a place then he will be at your new place forever and it will not be long before his daughter is there doing whatever she wants.

Have him get a storage unit. Do not let him move crap in. Or if he's started have him get a storage unit and move it out. Set clear boundaries. This isn't your (his) apartment and you won't have him moving in. He can get the 1 week hotel until he finds a place or air bnb or whatever.

If he says is it over say yes. Or say you'll decide AFTER he has lived on his own and made changes to the drinking and drugs. This is better because then his daughter can visit him at his place all she wants. You wouldn't want to keep him from that.


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Discussion Starter #229
Hello yes I understand what you’re all saying. I am so mentally and physically exhausted by this all that my body has shut down it’s crazy. I think I’ve mentioned this before but we had to the end of the month to have everything out of the house which I took all of my stuff out and everything that was left downstairs was his and his children’s and he promised me that he would take care of it so I left the electric and gas on in his name so that he could do that and take care of things and nothing was done. I know that he went last week once or twice and did just a few things but it wasn’t that much. I went over there today because today is the last day to get everything out and to see and I mean there was so much that had yet to be done. He was supposed to do it on Monday and decided to go golfing instead with his friend and get drunk all night Mont up being late to work then too hung over to do any work on Tuesday and here we are today and I went over there and try to help as much as I can and I was upset so I asked I said what happened? I said I left everything on for you so that you could get everything done and you have all of the time time off of work so I’m trying to understand why nothing was really done and if I would’ve known that this was going to happen I would’ve just come over here the last month and chipped away at it and got it done because you know that this affects me and my credit as well as yours and I didn’t want anything bad to go on there. He got upset and said that it doesn’t matter that it’s getting done now and I said it doesn’t matter because I’m trying to understand why it’s so hard for you to do anything responsible and she got upset and said I said that this is all ridiculous and he said yes it is all ridiculous and I said what’s ridiculous is that you talk to me the way that you do and you treat me the way that you do and yet I’m still here trying to help you get everything out of here just because it was partly my responsibility although I don’t have to. He then said you were looking for a way to get out of here which is why you moved and which is why I’m stuck here doing this all alone. I said yes I did leave however you know the reasons that I left and I wasn’t looking for a reason of course I never wanted to leave I sat here for years and try to get you to see so don’t you dare tell me that I was looking for a way out. I said how dare you try and make me feel like it’s all me after everything after you pushed me after I’m walking around with bruises still in pain from them I’m still here trying to help you and you’re still putting it all on me? He yelled so loud at me and said it is all you it’s always been all you. I started crying. I told him not to come to the apartment that I don’t want him here. And he said Yep there you go that’s exactly what you were trying to do trying to find an excuse to leave and not have me come there. I just left. He just texted and said please don’t leave me high and dry
Last minute. I said I’m not leaving you high and dry you had months and I’m just so sick and tired of all of this I said if you’re planning on coming here to get your bag let me know and I’ll leave it in the car. I said all this time I try to be a good wife and take care of you. And all you did was take it vantage of me. He said I never took advantage of you I was just trying to take care of you. I told him I don’t need you to take care of me I never have need you to take care of me. I know that he has to come here for his bag for Work tomorrow and I don’t want to see him.

And of course like the way that I always feel after a fight with him I feel like I’m the one in the wrong and I feel like like he said everything’s always all my fault. Please tell me it’s not.


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You are not the one in the wrong. It will be hard but in the end it will be best. Work on being with yourself and your daughter. He 'knew' you were 'trying to move out' and such but he still ****ed off playing golf, got drunk and now is blaming you. I thought he was giving up drinking after the pushing and you moving out. But that lasted what 1 week? You deserve better.
 

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Discussion Starter #231
Thank you. Yes, I know. I’m done. Now I hope that I’m safe while he gets his stuff.


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Look up mental abuse. You doubt yourself because his abusive actions have chipped away at your self esteem and your belief in yourself.

This will never work out. You have to stop hoping to get him to agree with you. He has his own agenda and it doesn't include humbling himself to help you.
 

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Discussion Starter #233
Thanks. I know. I’m opening my eyes to so much. He has moved a few things here mainly in storage and although I’ve told told him that I’m done and I want time apart and to be alone so I can find myself he is still here.

He probably doesn’t believe me or just doesn’t care or really doesn’t wanna be without me? I don’t know but I really don’t know what to do. Like how to get him out.

I’m terribly turned off by him, I want to be by myself. More than ever.


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… he is still here.

He probably doesn’t believe me or just doesn’t care or really doesn’t wanna be without me? I don’t know but I really don’t know what to do. Like how to get him out.
If you didn't put his name on the lease, then you throw him out. If he refuses to leave, you call 911 and have the police escort him off the property. It's as simple as that.

Or if you're too afraid to kick his ass to the curb, you can let him stay. Why not tell him to get the hell out and see what he does?
 

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Thanks. I know. I’m opening my eyes to so much. He has moved a few things here mainly in storage and although I’ve told told him that I’m done and I want time apart and to be alone so I can find myself he is still here.

He probably doesn’t believe me or just doesn’t care or really doesn’t wanna be without me? I don’t know but I really don’t know what to do. Like how to get him out.

I’m terribly turned off by him, I want to be by myself. More than ever.


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You get him out by not letting him in. Good God, woman!
 

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You get him out by not letting him in. Good God, woman!
If I recall, OP said she didn't give her husband a key to the apartment. Hell, this isn't rocket science. Just put his crap in a bag and put it outside the door.

I doubt Mr. Loser will care if he's kicked out. Sounds like as long as he can get drunk and flop on someone else's couch, he'll be fine.

JEESH!
 

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Thanks. I know. I’m opening my eyes to so much. He has moved a few things here mainly in storage and although I’ve told told him that I’m done and I want time apart and to be alone so I can find myself he is still here.

He probably doesn’t believe me or just doesn’t care or really doesn’t wanna be without me? I don’t know but I really don’t know what to do. Like how to get him out.

I’m terribly turned off by him, I want to be by myself. More than ever.


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He's manipulating you with the blame game because he knows your too nice and will cave and keep supporting him. He's blaming you to try and get you to keep being his sugar mama. He doesn't really believe it's all your fault and that you were looking for an out. He knows the truth, and if he is so delusional that he actually believes his own bull****, WHO CARES? You sure shouldn't and you need to recognize that. Put his bag out in the hall and lock the door behind him. That's how you get him out. If he can afford booze, pot, and golf, he can afford to pay his own way. What would you tell your daughter if she was dating a guy pulling this BS?
 

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Discussion Starter #239
Yes. I know. I realized he was just projecting. Told him again that he hasn’t respected my need to be alone. That I feel disrespected and like a joke. I did say that part is my fault though. Cause I kept letting it happen. That you would think with 12-13 years together and marriage on the line that he’d choose to finally have a conversation instead of going to a bar. I told him I wasn’t playing this time. That he needs to do something different. All he said was I hear you and I will.

My daughter said she doesn’t judge. But no I don’t feel like a good example. I don’t know how to get out of this. Feel frozen. I can’t explain. Like I’m crippled with fear. I feel stuck even though I know what to do.

Plus I know he’ll be so mad. Stupid I know.


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I don’t know how to get out of this. Feel frozen. I can’t explain. Like I’m crippled with fear. I feel stuck even though I know what to do.

Plus I know he’ll be so mad. Stupid I know.
That's a very common and understandable way to feel. Overwhelmed. One baby step at a time. You can get through this.
 
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