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Discussion Starter #201
There’s no way in hell that his daughter is moving in. That is not going to happen ever. That I promise. I don’t want him here now. It’s cause I feel bad for him. This is honesty. If he had money coming in it would be different.

It’s guilt and feeling bad taking over.


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Did he ever feel bad about shoving his bratty daughters down your throat? Are you responsible for his employment situation? If the answer is no, then you're looking for excuses.
 

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Discussion Starter #203
No. We are having another argument because I said the daughter that you want to live with us hasn’t called or texted or anything. After everything I’ve done. She’s “so busy” that she can’t do that? But you expect me to have her live with us?

He said is she here? I said no but why? Why is she not here? If she could be you would have her here against what I think. Her moving here isn’t a need it’s a want. In a marriage it’s God, husband, wife then kids and their needs. That’s what he specifically told me when we first moved in together. Why different now?

Her wanting to move here is bratty and a want and a whim which he’s always catered too. NOT a need. He’s catered to ever want and whim of those kids and his ex wife for years and I had to sit back and watch it all. She’s not homeless or starving. In fact she’s living better then us in a mansion surrounded by palm trees! She’s never happy and will want to leave again. He’s ALWAYS given into those kids.

So he said it’s my fault that his bratty daughter isn’t here cause I’m indecisive and volatile. I said yep my fault. It’s always my fault. Like I’m just supposed to continue on as the 4th woman in your life cause your two daughters are 1st. You know the ones that who pay no mind to him or anyone. They manipulate him and treat him like crap.

I’m so tired of being the one to blame for everything. There are reasons for this on top of everything else. But he still isn’t capable.

He won’t talk. Just goes in circles.

This is probably why I’m still in the same boat. Cause of guilt and him making me feel like I’m such a bad person and everything is my fault.


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No. We are having another argument because I said the daughter that you want to live with us hasn’t called or texted or anything. After everything I’ve done. She’s “so busy” that she can’t do that? But you expect me to have her live with us?
This conversation in saying that you two are living together right now. You say you don't want him there, yet you use this kind of language that tells him he is living with you. You have control over yourself. You decide what to allow or not allow. You are blaming this on feeling guilty, but guilt isn't causing this, you are. This is you who is doing this not an emotion, which doesn't have the ability to do anything.
 

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Discussion Starter #205
You’re so right. I’m just having a weak moment. He did talk a bit but. So yes, I need to get angry again.

Now I have to get him out of here. He only has two outfits and no key.

What do you suggest? I need to stay on here to stay strong.


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Now I have to get him out of here. He only has two outfits and no key.

What do you suggest? I need to stay on here to stay strong.
What would I suggest other than getting into therapy ASAP? Well, you could neatly wash/press his two outfits, put them in a bag, and leave them at your front door.

Or would that, too, elicit more rending of garments and tossing ashes over your head while saying, "I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do!"
 

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I'm getting the feeling that part of you likes the drama and likes being a victim.

Being a victim is a comfortable place because everything is done to you and you don't control anything so ultimately you can't actually be held accountable for anything.

It's a childish attitude.

You should get some therapy to deal with this.
 

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One thing I know for sure, when people say they have one foot out the door, they usually don’t. 21 pages later, still in the same spot.
 

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I'm getting the feeling that part of you likes the drama and likes being a victim.

Being a victim is a comfortable place because everything is done to you and you don't control anything so ultimately you can't actually be held accountable for anything.

It's a childish attitude.

You should get some therapy to deal with this.
If I could "like" this a million times, I would. Because this is precisely what conclusion I've finally come to. This sounds like a child carrying on in order not to accept responsibility. It is also a perfect example of the victim mentality coupled with a drama junkie.

Thank you @lifeistooshort for cutting right to the meat of the matter.
 

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If I could "like" this a million times, I would. Because this is precisely what conclusion I've finally come to. This sounds like a child carrying on in order not to accept responsibility. It is also a perfect example of the victim mentality coupled with a drama junkie.

Thank you @lifeistooshort for cutting right to the meat of the matter.
I truly hope soloist doesn't feel like my post was mean spirited. It wasn't meant to be.....but I have no doubt its tough to hear.

Acknowledging what's going on is the first step of dealing with it and I truly want better for her then what she has.

And frankly, even though her husband is an abusive bum she'd be well rid of I suspect she's not easy to deal with. Just reading her posts detailing how she follows him around and *****es at him to try to force him to engage in her drama is tiring. These two are not compatible, yet she's hell bent on *****ing him into engaging her and being compatible with her.

He doesn't want to engage yet she won't let up.

Feeds the drama.

If anything I've said is wrong I welcome OP's correction.
 

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Discussion Starter #211
Why is it my drama that he’s engaging with? I have simply tried to get my husband to hear me and have a normal conversation about important issues without him dismissing what I feel or storming off. We have never had a normal conversation that was talked through to the end, ever.

So I guess I’m wondering why it’s not the other way around?

Knowing I’m not easy to deal with just makes me feel like it’s me and I should stick around because who will want to tolerate my drama and needing to talk?


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Discussion Starter #213
Hello:

Yes, I know. Thinking more about victim mentality, aren’t I a victim of years of abuse? Now again, I’m questioning if it’s me with the issues.

Of course I don’t like drama. I’m just stuck in a cycle. When I feel stronger and then here from some of you I’m
Hard to deal with, it makes me feel Luke I’m the issue in the marriage so I stay. Makes me question what if I change, etc.?

I know this is frustrating for some of you but I’m trying my best.


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Let's go with this for a minute. What if you are the issue in the marriage? All that tells me is that you two are not compatible. You can not force a square peg into a round hole. Stop trying.
 

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I have simply tried to get my husband to hear me and have a normal conversation about important issues without him dismissing what I feel or storming off. We have never had a normal conversation that was talked through to the end, ever.
Then quit trying.
 

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Discussion Starter #217
Hi-yes I know. I have serious work to do. He’s been staying here. Of course he’s been good, taking care of me, etc. with the exception of a few nights where he drank too much which really upset me. But I just want to be alone. Something just keeps telling me that. I’m afraid to tell him to go because he thinks all good and that he lives here. He doesn’t have a key.

I feel like he didn’t even respect my wish of saying that he should stay at the house until the end of the month so I can sort my feelings.

He came to my work party with me on Friday and of course everyone loves him, he’s so handsome, charming, etc. makes it hard for me.

I’m really sad and emotional right now. Because life has been so crazy and hectic for all of us and I haven’t spent time with her like I always do. On top of that, I haven’t been feeling well. I’ve been sick non stop since my fathers death In August. Like really sick. I have extreme fatigue even after sleeping all Weekend on top of a cough that won’t go anywhere. I feel like something is seriously wrong with my Health. I forced myself to get around today and go shopping with her which I was happy to have the time with her but had to cut it short because I need to sleep more.

Then when she was here and we walked in together we walked into him packing a bowl of weed and he didn’t even try to hide it from her. I kept telling her to stay with me and I think she didn’t feel comfortable. Remember I told her that he pushed me so I’m sure she’s worried about my safety and isn’t happy with him. On top of that, what kind of example am I giving?

I feel terrible all around.

How do I fix this?

So afraid of the future, feeling Lonely and sad, what if something is really wrong with my health and I’m all alone? What if I lose my job and can’t afford my place? What if I don’t meet anyone else at my age?

P.S. The strike is over and he’s officially back to work as of yesterday. So he should be able to find his own place. Thing is he would have to do it by this Thursday or where would he stay?

I’m the worst mess.




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Hi-yes I know. I have serious work to do. He’s been staying here. Of course he’s been good, taking care of me, etc. with the exception of a few nights where he drank too much which really upset me. But I just want to be alone. Something just keeps telling me that. I’m afraid to tell him to go because he thinks all good and that he lives here. He doesn’t have a key.

I feel like he didn’t even respect my wish of saying that he should stay at the house until the end of the month so I can sort my feelings.

He came to my work party with me on Friday and of course everyone loves him, he’s so handsome, charming, etc. makes it hard for me.

I’m really sad and emotional right now. Because life has been so crazy and hectic for all of us and I haven’t spent time with her like I always do. On top of that, I haven’t been feeling well. I’ve been sick non stop since my fathers death In August. Like really sick. I have extreme fatigue even after sleeping all Weekend on top of a cough that won’t go anywhere. I feel like something is seriously wrong with my Health. I forced myself to get around today and go shopping with her which I was happy to have the time with her but had to cut it short because I need to sleep more.

Then when she was here and we walked in together we walked into him packing a bowl of weed and he didn’t even try to hide it from her. I kept telling her to stay with me and I think she didn’t feel comfortable. Remember I told her that he pushed me so I’m sure she’s worried about my safety and isn’t happy with him. On top of that, what kind of example am I giving?

I feel terrible all around.

How do I fix this?

So afraid of the future, feeling Lonely and sad, what if something is really wrong with my health and I’m all alone? What if I lose my job and can’t afford my place? What if I don’t meet anyone else at my age?

P.S. The strike is over and he’s officially back to work as of yesterday. So he should be able to find his own place. Thing is he would have to do it by this Thursday or where would he stay?

I’m the worst mess.
Hi, I'm sorry that things are still not going well for you. As you know, you are the only person who you can change. So that's where you need to start. Forget about him right now.

Start with just one thing. It looks like your health is the number one issue right now because you cannot accomplish much the way you feel right now.

You say that you are very tried and don't feel well. Please go see a doctor ASAP and figure out what's wrong. This could be depression so some anti-depressants might be in order. Your doc can help you figure this out.

What other things are you doing for yourself? Do you socialize with people? Do you go out much? How about exercise, are you getting any?
 

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Discussion Starter #220
Hi - Yes, I know I have to focus on myself. I’ve been so over focused on him and this relationship that I’ve lost myself and my physical and mental health have gone downhill.

I am on Zoloft. I think I may have issues because Of breast implants which I want to remove. Probably depression and some other issues cause of bulimia for many years. So yes, there’s a lot.

I don’t do anything socially really. Just work and home. Haven’t exercised in a while cause no energy too.

My boss called me in the office today and she asked me if he was ok cause he wasn’t his usual self at the party. I told her he was tired and hungover from being drunk all night. I was honest and said we’re in between right now and I’m figuring things out. That I love him but not sure if I want to be in this anymore just lots of issues with his
girls and he’s super cute and charming and Handsome but can be a terror and that I’m at a point where I feel like I deserve more. She said I get it and I just want you to know that I’m here for a hug. She asked if I was still doing counseling and I said no but I will she said good idea cause that’ll help with all of this. I don’t know I just have never had a job that asks personal like this
I feel weird about it. Like I said too much and of course worried that I’ll lose my job cause of it. Then what?

His lack of motivation to do anything responsible or right makes me crazy. Again everything has to be out of the house by Wednesday, mostly his stuff or the landlord is threatening to take us to court and he said he was going to get it done by then and he’s out golfing instead.

It turns me off.

So it’s just one thing after another.




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