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Discussion Starter #181
Before you get with another partner, it would behoove you to improve your style of communicating. Your hammering at him does not justify him 'moving you out of the way'. But, it does get on peoples' nerves.


I’ve tried every way of taxiing to him. He won’t talk. I’ve tried in letters, emails, in person, calmly, etc. so is it me or the fact that he doesn’t want to communicate? Now I’m feeling in the wrong again.


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I’ve tried every way of taxiing to him. He won’t talk. I’ve tried in letters, emails, in person, calmly, etc. so is it me or the fact that he doesn’t want to communicate? Now I’m feeling in the wrong again.
It's him. Not you. You need to give yourself a break. This among many other things....is on HIM.
 

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Leave him alone and stop over analyzing everything. Find something else to occupy your mind, like getting your apartment in order and filing for divorce. Stop giving him so much power over your every thought and movement! He isn’t worthy!




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I’ve tried every way of taxiing to him. He won’t talk. I’ve tried in letters, emails, in person, calmly, etc. so is it me or the fact that he doesn’t want to communicate? Now I’m feeling in the wrong again.


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It looks like he doesn't want to communicate.
 

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Discussion Starter #185
I agree on the power thing. Again, just feel horrible for walking out on him when he’s down. Like I could have done it when he was still working and his kids were here. I do all of this when he’s at his lowest. Can you help me feel better about that?

Cause I think that’s what I’m stuck on. And feeling bad for doing this over his kid although there’s many reasons I know why.


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I agree on the power thing. Again, just feel horrible for walking out on him when he’s down. Like I could have done it when he was still working and his kids were here. I do all of this when he’s at his lowest. Can you help me feel better about that?
Honestly, NO. Nobody out here in cyberspace can really help you to feel better.

YOU RELINQUISH RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN FEELINGS BY ASKING EVERYONE - AND ANYONE - TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO/HOW TO FEEL/HOW TO REACT/HOW TO BEHAVE.

So I'll give it to you blunt and straight up: You behave like a child. Children have little control when their parents are in charge. They fall down, they cry, mommy kisses their boo-boo and tells them it will be okay. They are afraid of the dark and have bad dreams, mommy and daddy tell them it will be okay.

This isn't about your bum of a husband or the others who have abused you. This is about you behaving like an emotional child. You don't actually listen to any advice you are given. You always revert to the "Oh my god, I'm having a meltdown!!!!!" "I'm freaking out!!!!!" Guess what? You are playing the martyr/helpless-hapless victim because there is some sort of emotional payoff for you.

You can glom onto someone who will define you. You can glom onto someone who will treat you like crap so you can continue to martyr yourself. You can glom onto someone so they can solve your issues and problems.

PLEASE REALIZE YOU NEED TO GROW UP. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL HAPPEED TO YOU TO MAKE YOU AN EMOTIONALLY-STUNTED HUMAN BEING.

And, for the sake of all that is holy, would you just STOP freaking out for one second, get ahold of yourself, and at least try to behave like a grown woman who actually has some control over her own life???? JEESH!
 

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Discussion Starter #187
Prodigal that is a tad harsh. He used to tell me I was like a 4 year old sometimes so this is hard to here and I even more now feel like I’m wrong, I’m not a catch and am lucky to have him. I feel like crap even more. I’m a pain and understand now why he’s so frustrated.

I screwed up.

And I will get help.


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Prodigal that is a tad harsh. He used to tell me I was like a 4 year old sometimes so this is hard to here and I even more now feel like I’m wrong, I’m not a catch and am lucky to have him. I feel like crap even more. I’m a pain and understand now why he’s so frustrated.

I screwed up.

And I will get help.
Harsh, yes...but nothing else seems to be working. You are not wrong. What you are is lacking any kind of confidence whatsoever. @Prodigal is laying it out for you very bluntly because nothing else is seeming to get through.

You are not wrong.

You are a catch.

Mostly.......you are NOT lucky to have him.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enjoy your new apartment, don't respond to his texts and get to lawyer and start paperwork. In 1 year you will be so so glad you did.
 

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Discussion Starter #189
Hi. So I’m having a really hard time. Can’t stop crying. Having a major weak moment. I talked to him and saw him to get a few things and again feel so guilty for leaving him when he’s jobless but I didn’t really. Like I paid for half of the rent and left two beds, the dining table and all of the food and a few other things. So he’s covered until the end of the month with all of that. I also gave him $40 and brought him breakfast and cigarettes for helping me move. Just feel like a really unsupportive and selfish wife.

He acted super annoyed at first and then warned up.

Thing that is getting me is that he’s not even fighting for us. Like I would think that with his wife moving out and the seriousness of that end pending divorce he would be trying to win me back.

And he went out tonight to watch the football game at the bar with who knows who. He never really went out when we lived together but he is now. Again, instead of trying to win me back or show me that he wants to change. It’s total opposite.

What is that all about? A game play?

My emotions are a roller coaster right now and instead of feeling stronger I’m feeling weaker and feeling like I made a mistake. I can’t help how I feel.

But I don’t get any of how he’s acting or why I’m feeling such a mess.


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Why the **** do you want him to try and "win you back"?? BACK TO WHAT?? More abuse?? Nothing is going to change, why in the world cant you see that? You finally did the right thing for yourself, and look what you are doing TO YOURSELF. You need to cut contact with him, you are never going to heal or move forward as long as you keep clinging onto this waste of time.

The only mistake you made here is that you didnt leave sooner!
 

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You're crying and upset because your marriage failed and because you wanted your marriage to work. It is natural to be upset, but that doesn't mean you should go back to him. It means you need to give yourself time to grieve. Contact with your husband will only prolong your pain.

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Discussion Starter #193
Hi yes I’m ok. Just processing things. He has stayed here a few nights and starting to make himself comfy and at home. I said ok for a few nights but he’s left clothes here and stuff. I know I’m doing the wrong thing but it’s so hard for me. I told my daughter every night tat I wish I was alone cause the whole point of moving here was to Leave but my guilt has set in because he has nothing, still on Strike and can’t find under the table work making no more than $240 a week. So I feel bad cause he’s my husband.

I let his older sister know everything that has happened because they know how he can be and her response was “wow sounds like satan is working overtime”. Um that’s all you have to say? Guess him and his family are unable to talk.

So yes, I’m on and not ok. I feel so dumb and so mad at myself for allowing all of this to happen and then disrespect myself on top of it all.

Now I screwed up and don’t know what to do. Please take it easy on me. I know what I did was wrong and I don’t know what to do now.


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I know I’m doing the wrong thing but it’s so hard for me.

my guilt has set in

I feel so dumb and so mad at myself for allowing all of this to happen and then disrespect myself on top of it all.

Now I screwed up and don’t know what to do.

I know what I did was wrong and I don’t know what to do now.
Sadlly, ^^THIS^^ indicates to me that you do know what you're doing. You've allowed him to move in. He'll be a permanent fixture in no time.
 

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Discussion Starter #197
There’s no way in hell that his daughter is moving in. That is not going to happen ever. That I promise. I don’t want him here now. It’s cause I feel bad for him. This is honesty. If he had money coming in it would be different.

It’s guilt and feeling bad taking over.


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It’s guilt and feeling bad taking over.
There is actually very little we control in life. About the only things that come to mind are our thoughts and our feelings ...
 

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You're doing exactly what you want to do. If you didn't want to do it, you wouldn't be. Please spare your daughter and your brother your fake angst - they have their own lives and their own problems. You can only go to the well of human kindness so many times before it dries up.
 
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