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Discussion Starter #1
Hello everyone:

I’m a newbie here and really could use some help. Thanks in advance for all who pitch in. 🙂 I’ve been with my husband for going on 12 years. Dated for many years then got married at 7 years. This is my first marriage and his 2nd. He has two daughters (14 & 12) and I have one daughter (25). We have had many issues from his drinking, to temper, to not communicating, to guilty father issues along with a mini wife daughter who competes with me, financial irresponsibility, Cheated in the past, has been physically abusive in the past as well. The physical has stopped but during times of anger he has punched things or thrown things.

Issue one:
Most of our issues have stemmed from him not liking me setting boundaries and having say with discipline regarding his children which they need. Their mom is a mess. Divorced three times and now onto the next relationship. My husband is totally fine with me being a good step mom and doing all of the fun things with them but when it comes time for me to point something out or bring up an issue I’m the mean step mom. I don’t have a say in what goes on in our home without backlash and him getting angry at me and telling me “it’s just you”. Well no I’m sorry but you’re 12 year old still wanting to sleep with you and sit on your lap is an issue and it’s not just me. She’s VERY immature emotionally for her age and he isn’t helping with the constant babying and over coddling. He at first told me that he would sleep with his daughters at 25 if he wanted to once and I was like ok. That’s odd. I’m using this as an example of how he reacts when I bring something up. The sleeping has stopped after much going back and forth and him telling me to shush in my own home cause they’re sleeping. Everyone has to tip toe around them. Every other weekend when their here is hard. They’re good girls. I love them and they need guidance. So I have tried. I raised my daughter alone and we had a very different life growing to then the one try and provide to my step daughters and my daughter isn’t perfect but she’s a really good girl. She’s humble, respectful and appreciates the small things. Unlike his daughters who whine and complain about everything. The 14 year old has full control of him. He doesn’t even try to discipline anymore. He took her cell for inappropriate behavior and she disappeared for months. Didn’t want anything to do with us. He cried and always thinks he’s the worst father. He’s not. He spoils them and tries his best. Drops his plans whenever Their mom or they need or want. Including interfering with plans we have. It’s really out of control. So now their mom is moving them to another state and he’s of course having issues with that which is understandable. She called for his blessing and he e said no so she went and filed the court form anyway saying that he agrees with the move and she did this because she knows he has no back bone when it comes to her and the kids. She cheated and manipulated him their whole marriage and left him for another man. Has never stuck to the court ordered visitation, he has never made her so she doesn’t take him seriously. He cries when he drops them off and turns to beer and then keeps saying how much he misses them already.

It’s very unhealthy and I have told him he should talk to someone and he won’t. He says he would never do that. He doesn’t think he needs it and I’m the only one with problems. He says he only looks to the future.

Issue 2:
Anger, communication issues, entitlement, not facing reality. We can’t have healthy conversations cause he’s so shut down emotionally. He walks away in anger ever time I want to talk about something. Whether it’s positive or not so good. Our issues are all cause of me. He’s always saying if I wouldn’t bring things up we would be fine. That if I would just change my point of view and stop being so negative we would be fine. I feel like I’m always walking on egg shells and don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. It’s circles. He has even told me while I’ve sat in front of him crying and begging to talk and hear me that where am I gonna get? That I’m wasting my time. He gets upsets and walks away. We’ve NEVER not once had a conversation that has come to a resolution. I’m not over exaggerating either. Never. So our issues are still there. He just flipped out cause I brought up therapy
He said he’s never going and that I married the wrong person why do I want to bring our issues to a stranger/ That I can go if I want and that he’s always suggesting other ways around it like meditation yoga etc. I said those don’t fix our problems. He said you’re the only one with problems. I don’t have problems. I look to a better future.
He said I always bring up so much negative and I’m stuck
That I’m never positive and always have issues with everything. He said in so negative. That he had positive plans for us today but I just screwed it all up and slammed the door. He makes me feel like I’m crazy. I’m trying to save our marriage. I’m not crazy I said our issues are never resolved
He gets so angry with me and makes me feel like I’m nuts.

Issue 3:
Drinking. He typically drinks almost everyday or every other. Most of the time it’s not just one or two beers. Sometimes it’s two six packs. He has drunk and driven a lot before and I worry so much. His drinking has rubbed off on me and I drink sometimes now a lot during week to deal with it all. I’m allergic to wine and I still drink and am so sick the next day. He has said he would stop but he hasn’t. He has when drunk whisky in the past gotten belligerent over past conversations and things brought up about his kids. He has broken mirrors, pulled me off of a bed onto the floor and picked me back up and threw me on it. Has punched holes in walls. Most of those times I got no apology. If I wouldn’t have did or said what I said it wouldn’t have happened. When we were together after a year, he hit me so hard out of nowhere after a night of drinking. I fell to the ground and y dragged me down the hall by my legs while I was screaming and crying in shock. I had to get my back tooth taken out the next day. He hit me in the face and made my nose bleed. Most of this happened years ago and hasn’t happened in a long time but he still has anger. I don’t know why I walked away a long time ago. Guess I feel like I deserve it?

So now we’re at the point that his daughters are moving which are a problem for our marriage cause of disagreements and I was thinking wow I finally will have peace and maybe things will get better? But here I am finding myself wanting to leave him. Seems backwards to me. I guess I’m afraid he’s going to spiral in depression, go back to old ways and treat me like a punching bag.

We have some great times together and he can be the nicest guy. Breakfast in bed. Buys me what I want, is really handsome and funny and smart and I feel like We would be so good if he just met me halfway but he won’t budge. It’s his way or no way.

I know that I can be a worry wart and negative I was brought up in a very dysfunctional family and he was too but I’m not shut down emotionally like he is. He can be super emotional with other things like his kids to the point of crying but lacks it with me.

I’m not saying I’m perfect but I’m trying my best to be a good wife and step mom. I’ve done things with his children, have set special traditions things I never did with my daughter when she was that age but I still want to make things special for all of us and it never seems good enough for him the minute that I need to bring up a boundary or something that I think they need help with I’m a bad stepmom. There of been times that I would leave very seldomly for a few hours while the kids were here because I felt like a fourth wheel and he treats me very differently when they are around. The energy is very different. So I remove myself because I don’t want to be around that. And because of the two or three times I’ve done that in the last 12 years I’m “never around”. He has three older sisters and he was very spoiled when he was younger. His older sister has even told me many times that he’s a brat has to have his way and nothings ever good enough. I have major PTSD because of things that of happened in my past and with him the emotional and physical abuse and four miscarriages that I’ve had and sometimes it’s very hard for me when things happen. And I just need to talk and I need support and a lot of times it’s just why are you being so negative why can’t you just MoveOn etc. etc. and it makes me feel like I’m too dramatic or emotional or maybe too needy? Are used to be more of an extrovert and very fun and chatty and outgoing and I’m still very outgoing but have found that I am now more of an introvert and I don’t have much of a voice and situations even at work because I feel afraid that what I’m saying is wrong and that they will view me in a certain way. I feel like this is because he has tried to shut my voice down so many times in the last 12 years.

So here I am again with 1 foot out the door at a time that I thought I would never leave because his children are leaving and I thought maybe it would be an opportunity for us to really work on things and see where the issues really lied but I’m afraid that it’s not going to work he’s going to go back to old ways he’s going to not be very good to me he’s going to go into a depression and a funk and I’m going to be stuck here dealing with more of what I’ve dealt with in the past. Right now I’m feeling afraid, I’m feeling like I just want to be alone I want to work on myself I want to find who I am really supposed to be and just live life happy and with some peace of mind And not constant worry over my head. I am a tractive, I’m a good person and I have a very good heart, I have a very good job I have my life established financially and just maybe feel like it’s time to start over. I am 44 years old And scared to start over because what if I wind up being lonely for a long time or don’t have any wine or what if I make a mistake and would have missed out on things and things to change with him? Then what? But I know that I’m probably not being very rational with that thinking. I recently have gotten on Zoloft and before taking the Zoloft leaving wouldn’t even be a thought in my mind because I wasn’t thinkingBut now that I’m taking medication I am thinking more clearly and this is why I’m at where I’m at. I Went to see two apartments that I like very much and I got approved for and I can move into prior to September 1. I also would feel guilty leaving him here alone knowing that his daughters are moving out of the State and because I know that he can’t afford this house on his own. But I try to get him to move to a smaller place because we don’t need such a big home anymore and that we could work around with the girls visit but he doesn’t want to move he wants to stay here over paying rent when we don’t need all of the space. Another example of it’s all about him. So I know this is extra long and I’m probably all over the place because there is so much that is happened. I haven’t even included everything that is happened. But I really really need some input here. I also am very afraid how he will react if I do leave what if I am a statistic because he can’t handle it all? So I know I’m jumping the gun but I’m also scared. Can any of you please please offer me some advice on if I should stay and try to work it out if I am the issue or if I should pack my bags run and never look back? I appreciate all of your help in advance. Thank you so much for reading all of my craziness.
 

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You have a heavy plate indeed, time to scrape the plate clean and don't worry what will be next on the plate but Don't put too much emphasis on being lonely, you definitely need alone time first. Then once your at peace then look too add to the plate.
 

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It sounds like you haven't been heard by your husband...for 12 years. You have been discounted, or blamed whenever you tried to speak up. It has taken a toll on you, and you are no longer the person you used to be, but a person who is suffering from repetetive trauma.

Are you seeing a counselor? You need regular validation and reality checks from someone who is NOT your husband.

When you get validation, and learn to keep your head, when he is manipulating or twisting things around, you will have enough and not take it anymore.

Mindfullness, staying in the present, not letting yourself be distracted by his rabbit holes and manipulations will help you keep your grounding and your head. He will hate that you aren't playing along anymore, but the balance will be changed and you will find your peace with or without him.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thank you! Yes, I have seen two counselors. Both for a short time but both did say my feelings were valid and I could either leave or have him come to therapy but as you read, he refuses. I just feel confused. I know that I can be needy and insecure and wonder if it’s me? That if I didn’t always need to talk about issues if it would be better? Then thinking what if I make a mistake? But then I think what kind of mistake? He shuts me down. Has physically abused me in the past. I know some of our arguments in the past were cause we were both drinking and I would bring up infidelity but I don’t think that warrants physical abuse. But when he drinks now I’m scared. Scared to say anything that would set him off which can be the smallest innocent thing sometimes, worried that he’s going to burn the house down cause he’s cooking while drunk before bed, etc. I’m scared of what will happen once the girls move. Will it be worse or better cause he’s finally humbled? I don’t think so though Cause many things have happened that would humble someone but not for him. He thinks he’s invincible and can’t be touched. He has a warped sense of self. Always says that would never happen. Sometimes I think I’m too much of a pessimist and he’s falsely too optimistic? Again, is it me? What if he winds up with a women who is secure, doesn’t need validation or to talk? Or is that silly? I can move out this weekend if that’s what I decide to do. I know it’s sudden for him but I feel like he also has brought all of this on himself. I will worry that he’ll spiral and will drink more than ever and something bad happen but I can’t control him. I’m very afraid of what I said above but something is telling me to go. I’ve never had this much of an urge or feeling to leave before. Now that his kids are leaving and I feel the need to go. Just feel like there’s something behind it.

What do you think?
 

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My husband is totally fine with me being a good step mom and doing all of the fun things with them but when it comes time for me to point something out or bring up an issue I’m the mean step mom.
LOL...I'm sure he IS 'totally fine' with you doing as much as you can with his kids. How convenient for him that you've been doing his parenting for him.

He cried and always thinks he’s the worst father.
Well, he's not the best, let's not kid ourselves. His kids are a freakin' nightmare due to ****ty parenting and if I'm being honest, who the hell says nasty stuff like they'd sleep with their daughter even when she's 25 years old if she wanted? Ugh! This creep puts the "fun" in dysFUNction. <we seriously need a puke emoji>

Do you REALLY want to be in the middle of this utter **** show? His kids are a damned science experiment, the constant drama between he and his ex and their court battles is never-ending, he's an alcoholic, he's got anger issues, he treats you like ****, he disrespects you, you spend most of your time pandering to this derelict because you don't want to incite his anger, he's emotionally stunted and incapable of interacting with you on an adult level, he blames you for every single thing that's wrong in his life, he's unwilling to give any type of outside help a try, he's physically abusive and violent at times, and in order to be able to continue DELUDING yourself that this degenerate is worth staying married to, you've begun drinking.

That's where this magical union between you two has gotten you - trying to drink yourself into submission to avoid going insane.

And you're honestly questioning whether you should leave?

That I’m never positive and always have issues with everything. He said in so negative. That he had positive plans for us today but I just screwed it all up and slammed the door. He makes me feel like I’m crazy. I’m trying to save our marriage.
Stop with the martyr drama, "I'm trying to save our marriage." That's the co-dependency/battered woman talking. If you had a healthier outlook, you would have been GONE years ago and realized there's nothing here to save. Stop with the martyr routine and falling on the sword for him - hair shirts really aren't 'in' anymore.

He hit me in the face and made my nose bleed. Most of this happened years ago and hasn’t happened in a long time but he still has anger. I don’t know why I walked away a long time ago. Guess I feel like I deserve it?
I've always wondered why women don't leave these ass-holes after they start being abused by them. Again, I can only assume it's a severe case of co-dependency.

I guess I’m afraid he’s going to spiral in depression, go back to old ways and treat me like a punching bag. We have some great times together and he can be the nicest guy. Breakfast in bed. Buys me what I want, is really handsome and funny and smart and I feel like We would be so good if he just met me halfway but he won’t budge. It’s his way or no way.
You sound like EVERY abused woman before you. You talk about the hell of being banged around and disrespected, made to bleed and treated like garbage, and then you turn around and in complete delusion, talk him up like he's Prince Charming just because he occasionally makes breakfast for you, and because YOU think he's handsome and because he sometimes buys you things. Whoopie! That ALMOST makes all the abuse and disrespect worthwhile, doesn't it? :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Come on OP, you should know better than this at your age.

So here I am again with 1 foot out the door
Means nothing. When it's both feet actually walking out the door, then you're doing something positive. Until then, it's just more of the same old lip service you've probably been giving yourself for years to make you feel better for choosing to stay with someone like this.

I also would feel guilty leaving him here alone knowing that his daughters are moving out of the State and because I know that he can’t afford this house on his own. But I try to get him to move to a smaller place because we don’t need such a big home anymore and that we could work around with the girls visit but he doesn’t want to move he wants to stay here over paying rent when we don’t need all of the space.
Honest to God, I was just waiting to get to the part where you would start making excuses not to leave because you're worried about your abuser and you didn't disappoint, OP. :( In true battered woman fashion, you're all concerned about your abuser not having a place to live that he can afford on his own, and you're all worried that he'd be alone because his kids are moving away. Not your problem.

I also am very afraid how he will react if I do leave what if I am a statistic because he can’t handle it all? So I know I’m jumping the gun but I’m also scared. Can any of you please please offer me some advice on if I should stay and try to work it out if I am the issue or if I should pack my bags run and never look back?
Why on earth would you even CONSIDER 'staying and working it out' with someone you're afraid might kill you if you leave? Are you even listening to yourself, OP?

What if he winds up with a women who is secure, doesn’t need validation or to talk?
First of all, who gives a **** what happens to him???? I sure don't. But wouldn't it be funny if he ended up with a 350 pound behemoth of a woman who throat punches him on a daily basis - purely for sport, of course - and who eats nails for breakfast? Damn, that would be great.

But seriously, even though this is irrelevant to you once you dump him, I really believe there isn't a decent woman on this EARTH who is truly intelligent enough, secure enough, and has her act together whose going to give this loser the time of DAY. Just because you're wearing rose-colored glasses and have deluded yourself into thinking he's some kind of prize doesn't make it so. Any intelligent woman is going to see right through this fool and she'll freakin' RUN the other way. You don't realize it, but you've spent years deluding yourself and continually lowering the bar - over and over and over and over and over and over - in order to stay with this degenerate. Women in the outside world haven't been deluding themselves over him for years, so they're going to see him for exactly who - and what - he is. No decent woman will stay with him. Like attracts like - he'll just end up with some other hot mess just like himself.

You're an abused woman and you think just like one, OP. Stop wasting your time trying to fix something that can't be fixed. Call a battered women's helpline and educate yourself. :(

Good luck seeking out a better life for yourself. :eek:
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thank you for the tough love. I needed to hear it.

Believe it or not, woman are always wanting him. I see it when we’re out and he’s had emotional or physical with some at work. Maybe its cause they don’t know him yet? So I already know he’ll be dating again right away and I feel like I even know who it will be and she seems to have her stuff together, good family life, extra confident, lots of friends and a social life, where I don’t deal with my family cause or dysfunction, don’t have a social life or many friends and am always home.

How can how I’ve been be attractive to any man?

Again, I’m also so scared of starting over now. I’ll be 45 in September. I have needy issues and crave love and attention and feel like it’s so late to start working on myself.

I’ve never been alone for long. Always in long term relationships that were to ass holes except for one and I left him for some ******* to my current *******.

So I know that I have so much to work on myself. It’s not too late?

What if I lose my job and can’t afford where I’m moving, etc.?

What if I’ve been too harsh with boundaries for the girls and he knows this and that’s why he’s so upset and defensive?

What if I’ve been too needy, clingy and demanding?

He’s seen my emotional breakdowns knows where I’m weak, knows I’m on meds, knows how insecure I am. So yes, I know I look crazy to him. I feel like I’ve acted crazy too.

Again so many what ifs?

Also, how do you all suggest I tell him? I’m taking everything that I had when I met him and that’s everything here with the exception of a very few things. I won’t leave him without anything though. I can’t do that. I feel bad.

So what should I tell him? I’m moving out next weekend?




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Solo, do not do this to yourself, and believe that another would not need some interaction. You are a worthy person with the same desire, of being loved and needed. He shows none of this for you. Get your life going in the right direction leave.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thank you. He’s been super extra nice. Made a huge breakfast for the family. Asked how I want my day to go which he always does.

My daughter said what if he’s humbled after the girls move? But she also doesn’t know of physical abuse in the past but she does know of the major communication issues.

So of course, now I’m second guessing and doubting. I know I shouldn’t be.

How do you all suggest I tell him?


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It's self-defeating and very sad to live one's life based on "what if" thinking. Okay, so what if a meteor comes screaming towards earth tomorrow and destroys all life on the planet?

Why don't you look at this from the perspective of WHAT IS instead? What IS: Your husband is abusive and disrespectful to you. And now he's manipulating you by being nice. How long do you think that will last? He knows you are giving serious thought to leaving. He doesn't want that. So he throws you some crumbs.

Do you tell him your leaving? I wouldn't. I'd wait until he's at work and move out everything that is yours. I wouldn't tell him where I was. I'd have a post office box where I could pick up my mail.

Why do I suggest this course of action? Because I did it myself when I left a husband who sounds a lot like yours.

Something I'd suggest you seriously consider.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thank you Prodigal. He gets home an hour before I do everyday. I don’t have much alone time to get this done when he’s not there.

He has an idea of where I applied to move. It’s where we used to live.

With regards to past physical. Is it true that even though it hasn’t happened for a long time is there a chance it will again?

What it he agrees to stop drinking and therapy?

Again, I know I haven’t been an angel either. I can be demanding and high maintenance sometimes.

I’m not trying to make excuses. Just fear kicking in and wondering if we both took active steps in working on ourselves?

Also, I don’t know how I would do this with help from others who work full time. It would have to be on a weekend which he’s always home.


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Discussion Starter #12
One more thing...I have been a bit controlling too sometimes. I’m a perfectionist and sometimes I require a lot. Don’t like to take no for an answer when I need to talk.

I also don’t like when his family comes to visit or to visit them anybody out of towns They’re very judgmental and are big drinkers too. His sisters can be kind but then also very unfriendly.

Of course I bring this up and even though he says they’re judgmental too it’s always just me.

Someone they want to visit and things like that I always give them a hard time because I would rather not be around it and I like to keep peace in my home. So things like that I’m not very accommodating or easy to deal with about because it’s always an argument. Just Give me examples of how sometimes I can be difficult also.


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He gets home an hour before I do everyday. I don’t have much alone time to get this done when he’s not there.
Can you take a vacation day or sick day from work? I hired movers. Those guys had me packed and moved out in six hours flat. It was worth every cent. By the time my ex got home, I'd moved out.

He has an idea of where I applied to move. It’s where we used to live.
Are there other places you could look? I assume there isn't an apartment complex shortage in your town.

With regards to past physical. Is it true that even though it hasn’t happened for a long time is there a chance it will again?
You try dealing with him when he's drunk enough and angry enough, then I'd say the chances are good he'd get physical.

What it he agrees to stop drinking and therapy?
You know what you get when a drunk jerk stops drinking without working a serious program? A sober jerk. I'm guessing he could be an alcoholic. And if that's the case, stopping drinking isn't something an alcoholic does to save their marriage. They make the decision to save their own lives first.

Again, I know I haven’t been an angel either. I can be demanding and high maintenance sometimes.
Okay, so you own what is yours to own. His being a total douche is not your responsibility. That's his to own.

I’m not trying to make excuses. Just fear kicking in and wondering if we both took active steps in working on ourselves?
If the marriage is worth saving, you can both work on yourselves living in different spaces. And whether you realize it or not, you ARE making excuses. As I often say, when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave.
 

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It seems like you don't much like who you are when you are with him. Is that what I'm reading?

When he's nasty, you wonder if you deserved it. When he's nice, you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You used to be a happy outgoing person but now struggle to join in socially due to anxiety about saying/doing something wrong.

You feel like you are not allowed to talk about anything that is even slightly negative or anything that will change the status quo. It's like telling someone not to think of a red ball. Did you just think of a red ball? Not being allowed to speak about issues is going to make those issues dominate your thinking.

When he drinks, you fear that it will turn violent or he will cause harm to himself, others, or the house, and he drinks constantly. You have also started drinking now in order to cope.

You fear that when his daughters leave, you will become his punching bag, yet you are ignoring this gut feeling because your mind is telling you that maybe you don't know what you're talking about.

I think your gut is probably right. You have been constantly told to doubt yourself, that you're too negative, too 'this', too 'that'. It must be very confusing. Even when you are told you have every right to feel the way you do, you doubt that person. In your mind you think, "maybe they think that because they haven't seen what I'm *really* like".

At this point you have to be your own cheerleader. You have to be the one to say, "you deserve better, you can do it, I believe in you".
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Can you take a vacation day or sick day from work? I hired movers. Those guys had me packed and moved out in six hours flat. It was worth every cent. By the time my ex got home, I'd moved out.







Are there other places you could look? I assume there isn't an apartment complex shortage in your town.







You try dealing with him when he's drunk enough and angry enough, then I'd say the chances are good he'd get physical.







You know what you get when a drunk jerk stops drinking without working a serious program? A sober jerk. I'm guessing he could be an alcoholic. And if that's the case, stopping drinking isn't something an alcoholic does to save their marriage. They make the decision to save their own lives first.







Okay, so you own what is yours to own. His being a total douche is not your responsibility. That's his to own.







If the marriage is worth saving, you can both work on yourselves living in different spaces. And whether you realize it or not, you ARE making excuses. As I often say, when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave.






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Sorry for the last comment! I was trying to respond to your replies to my comments. I’ll learn here soon. Lol

Prodigal I don’t have much time left. Like two days till January and I’m hoping to save and I think I’m going to need some emotional days. For sure.

The apartments I’m moving to I’m comfortable at, feel safe with secure entry and is affordable.

The past physical I feel like I caused when we’re drinking and arguing but he was cheating and we had so many unresolved issues that it would come out of me. There were times I did nothing though. Seems mostly when he has drunk whiskey and he doesn’t drink that anymore.

But yes he can be crabby when he doesn’t have weed.

He has in the past done coke and aderral. The mood swings the day after those were always hard. I gave him ultimatums at that point and he said he would stop but still did. It’s been a while since but still.

Yes he’s not capable of owning up. It has happened a handful of times. He also never apologized. It’s if I wouldn’t have or if I would keep my mouth shut he wouldn’t have to and many times he says I’m a martyr and victim. That I bring these situations on myself so stop playing the victim.

I don’t think us living apart would ever work. I don’t trust him. I moved out once and he had a women in our home that I moved out of two weeks later. So yah. I don’t expect that will change.

AliceA YES on everything and thank you!!!!


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You'll leave when you want to leave. It may be in a few weeks. It may be in a few months. It may be never.

Sadly, saving your vacation time for "emotional" days will do nothing more than allow you the opportunity to wallow in your own misery. And that's all you're doing right now and will continue to do as long as you remain with this man. I found it helped me a great deal to keep my routine of going to work, going out with friends, and working on myself rather than wasting more time on regrets. But, to each his own.

So he's likely an alkie, he smokes lots of dope, he's cheated on you (and I assume didn't care how you felt about it), and he's hit you. As soon as you are out the door, he'll probably be hooked up with some gal he might already be screwing. The only thing keeping you with this worthless sack of human flesh is you.

And I can tell you from experience that the ONLY thing I regret is not leaving the two drunk losers I married sooner. Why? Because I'm the poster child for someone who came out the other side against HUGE odds. And I'm loving every single minute of my life today. If I'd known things could be this damn good alone, I would have done it sooner. I held myself back.

Nobody can convince you of anything. Best of luck. I hope in time you see your self-worth and scrape this guy off the bottom of your shoe. Seriously.
 

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Thank you. He’s been super extra nice. Made a huge breakfast for the family. Asked how I want my day to go which he always does.

My daughter said what if he’s humbled after the girls move? But she also doesn’t know of physical abuse in the past but she does know of the major communication issues.

So of course, now I’m second guessing and doubting. I know I shouldn’t be.
Dont second guess or doubt. You know good and well who he really is.

How do you all suggest I tell him?
YOU DONT. You dont tell him a damn thing. You get your plan together and get the hell out. If he comes after you, call the police. File restraining orders. You owe him NOTHING. You have stayed in this WAY too long, and I guarantee you that you will not feel one single second of regret divorcing him. The only regret you will have is that you waited so damn long to do it.


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Discussion Starter #19
Thanks again. He came home and I said we should talk and he said not a good idea cause I’ve had 5 beers. Can we talk tomorrow? I made him drink water said he had enough. I came upstairs to relax and go down and he went through 4 or my wine coolers.

I get he’s having a hard time about the girls but there are better and healthier ways to deal with it other than going to the bar, having 5 beers and gambling money you don’t have to lose.

I’m staring at him and I don’t feel love. I feel sorry for him. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. He needs help.

So again, the guilt kicks in. What kind of wife leaves her husband when he’s down the most and everyone is leaving? What will he do to himself when I’m gone, etc. I know not my problem. Just hard you guys.

Go ahead. I’m needing major tough love right now.


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One more thing...I have been a bit controlling too sometimes. I’m a perfectionist and sometimes I require a lot. Don’t like to take no for an answer when I need to talk.

I also don’t like when his family comes to visit or to visit them anybody out of towns They’re very judgmental and are big drinkers too. His sisters can be kind but then also very unfriendly.

Of course I bring this up and even though he says they’re judgmental too it’s always just me.

Someone they want to visit and things like that I always give them a hard time because I would rather not be around it and I like to keep peace in my home. So things like that I’m not very accommodating or easy to deal with about because it’s always an argument. Just Give me examples of how sometimes I can be difficult also.


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This^^^ is all the reason you need to leave and get to know yourself. Take unscheduled time off of work and get it done don't put off any longer. Get some IC and recover. Take that chance at being complete, and sane.
 
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