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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I need some serious advice. I've been married to my wife for 5yrs. We dated 9yrs prior to that. I come from a big chrisitian family. Parents are still married. She comes from a broken home. Her father cheated on her mother and her mother had been in rocky relationships ever since. Let me be the first to say I caused alot of our problems. I was addicted to Pot (of all things) nearly the whole time we knew each other. I was laid off from my job (office closed) 3 yrs ago. She had recieved promotion after promotion at her job. I tried a few things like real estate and selling pools (in florida). All failed. I slipped in to a bad depression over the last 3 years. I just couldn't get ahead. She ended up supporting us the whole time. She would ask me to stop smoking pot and I would try only to fail. She ended up going on anti-depressants and she started to drink a little more. She would go out more often and would even smoke pot with me all though she wasn't addicted to it. I stopped smoking on Dec 1st '07. I finally knew I was done with it. I still needed to find a job. Found one but failed the drug test because it wasn't out of my system. After 8 weeks of being sober, we had some arguments about money and she said we need to separate for awhile. I've been living at my parents house since. I'am 33 she's 30. She says she needs time to think about her feelings. She says that she has had to take care of me as a child an in turn cares for me as a child and not a husband. She is seeing a therapists and is trying to get her feelings back. I know I took advantage of her. I blame alot of my actions on my addiction but I am also to blame for not doing anything about it, sooner. My wife is the kind of person that holds things in. I feel the anti-depressants made it worse. We didn't fight alot believe it or not. That's why this is so shocking to me. I always felt that there would have been more warning signs. She said I needed to give her space. I've respected that. We've spoke for maybe 2hrs in the last month. I cry every day. I have nightmares about this. I feel she is going to give up. I saw that she wasn't wearing her wedding rings when I went to our place to get a few things. She was at work. I've done a lot of soul searching. I've turned to God. I found a part time job but nothing full time even though I have applied to every job possible. She has shown very little affection in this time. We had a very strong relationship till about 3yrs ago. We were a very loving couple. I feel that if she could let her anger and resentment go, that our relationship would be stronger than ever. I want to spend my life with her. I'm no longer addicted or depressed about my life but for this one exception. Is there any hope? Can we be saved? Is it possible for someone to fall back in love with someone? Any advice would help. I am so desperate. I feel like I have made the changes that would make our marriage sucessfull. She could be seeing someone else. I asked her and she said she wouldn't do that to me. I know it is a possablity, though. I never promised her that I wouldn't fail in life but she promised to be there for better or for worse. She made that promise to me and God. I feel I am who I need to be and who she wants me to be. Why give up now. It's like running a 3 mile race then stopping right at the finish line. Please help.
 

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Is it possible~ yes. However, asking a horse to run a race already won doesn't go over well. You need to communicate with her and show her that you are more willing then before and stronger. I can only imagion she lost faith in you.

I wish you the best.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you for replying, draconis. This is my darkest hour and it helps to hear your opinion. This is the first time we have seperated and I think she loves me but is trying to figure out if she's in love with me. I would love to communicate with her about this. She doesn't want to, however. Everytime I have brought up the situation, it brings out the anger and resentment she has. I get upset when I talk to her about it and she ends up feeling sorry for me. I figure I need to back off and stop chasing her. I've let her lead the conversations and we end up just making small talk. It's been a month and she has nothing really positive to say. I would love to hear that she misses me or some kind of real affection. I feel that it's all up to her and God, now. I'm trying to be patient and let her heart guide her. I'm just so scared.
 

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Twoblave

You are just at the beginning of a very long trek. You have years of past bad behavior to make up for and prove you are a better man than before. You wife will take time before she believes you have changed. My wife and I have been working to repair our marriage for nearly a year. In that time I have made changes to my personal behavior to better meet her emotional needs. Even though I have been consistent in these changes she is still a little wary and needs time. But we are slowly getting better. Your relationship can also but be prepared for a long journey. Also keep in mind you will have little margin of error with her. Get and keep your personal life straightened out. See counseling for your additions if needed. Pursue better employment and show her you are in control of our own life. Keep your spirits up and gain your confidence. You are probably correct that you need to back off. The more you chase her and appear to be weak and needy the more she may withdraw. There’s a book called Love must be Tough by James Dobson. Give that a read and see if you can pick up some pointers. I have a mantra that I live by in my signature. Four words that I live by in the quest to bring my wife fully back to me in our marriage. Think about them and where you could use them in your life. Good luck and God bless.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Amplexor, You have given me some hope. It is good to know that things can work out. I hope you and your wife end up stronger for it. Sometimes I loose hope. I'm so lonely without her. I think I have done a good job of backing off. The longer we are apart the easier it is becoming. I still get upset every day and lately I can't sleep thru the night but I resist the temptation to reach out to her. I try to let her guide the few conversations that we do have. I believe this situation well make me a better man regardless of the outcome. I fall into negativity when I start to miss her and it feels like I take a step backwards, when that happens. In those times I'm glad we aren't speaking. I know I can't appear weak. Could you shine some more light on your situation, Amplexor? Why were you guys having problems? When did she take you back? How are you guys wroking on your marriage? Anything else you can tell me will help. I appreciate you and draconis giving me hope and words of encouragement. I hope to get others opinions as well. I will keep you guys in my prayers.
 

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Twoblave

I’m glad I can be of some help. Again, be prepared that this could take a long time to resolve, but time is your ally not your enemy. You will need to consistently show your wife that you are a changed man. That you love her and that you are committed to being the kind of man she wants and needs. Because she is working in a pretty successful job she is independent of you financially. But because she is still willing to give things time she is not emotionally detached from you. At least not fully. To give her space is one of the best things you can do right now. Slowly increase contact with her to show her you are improving and still committed to the marriage. Since you are struggling with emotion when speaking with her try opening an email dialog with her. Try and keep things light as far as discussing your relationship. Keep her posted on your job/job search. How your parents are, what movie you watched over the weekend…. Add a little bit of your feelings for her but keep it to a minimum. My story is very different from yours but my wife detached from the marriage about 18 months ago I believe. I simply was not meeting her emotional needs. I am a good man, husband and father but I really missed the mark on her emotional needs. And this is after we’d been together for over 20 years. She became involved in an emotional affair with someone who made her feel important and needed. It pulled her quite far from me but we never separated. The affair ended a couple of months ago and I know she is still struggling with it. She cares for me but is no longer in love with me. We don’t spend a lot to time talking about us at this point. Just trying to let things move at a natural pace. Obviously if she finds her love for me again, I believe we will move forward in a very happy marriage. If not then we will need to make some decisions. Thank you for your concern. Stay strong and keep working on your changes. Keep your sprits up and your faith strong. Keep away from the negative thoughts. They can be damaging and will interfere with your progress. Sorry I didn’t get back to you over the weekend, kinda crazy here. Bless.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Amp,
I took your advise and bought Dobson's book. It was a great read. When I read his description of the victim (the one who doesn't want a divorce), I had a moment of clarity. It was very sobering to say the least. I'm tired of the lack of respect I have received from her. I feel it's time to take a stand. I feel my confidence growing at an incredible rate. It's time to take my respect back. I've decided to confront her about wanting to leave. Not with anger but with self respect and self confidence. No yelling or fighting but with a certain kind of calm that hopefully is uneasy for her. I'm letting go of trying to hold her in this relationship. I don't want an half assed marriage and she doesn't want to spend the rest of her days with someone she pity's. I deserve to be loved fully by my wife. If she can't choose to do that, then she is free to go. Done are the days of crying and pleading. I will not take the full blame for the fallout of our marriage. Yes, I certainly did my part. That's with out a doubt. However, had she had the balls to stand up to me and my addiction when her feelings started to change about me, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess. Let us not forget that I want this marriage to be saved and she isn't sure that is what she wants. She doesn't want to feel guilty but it takes two to break up a marriage. It will be her that makes the decision to divorce, not me. I promised God and her that I would stay by her for the rest of my life and I intend to keep that promise unless she decides otherwise. I'm sorry you had to go through the pain of your wife having an affair. It must have been so unbelievably hard. I would not be shocked if my wife told me the same. I am preparing myself for it even though she says otherwise. I'm curious as to what you and others (draconis) may be thinking as you read this. I will be doing this Thursday but I'm not sure if I should email this to her or call her about it. I feel it would be more powerful if she heard the infliction in my voice rather than hearing a voice in her head that she doesn't respect when she reads it. If I email it to her it can be read over and over. Still undecided about that. Any input positive or negative is greatly appreciated. Did you do something similar after reading love must be tough, Amp?
 

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You can do both. Write her a letter to her and give it to her after you finish speaking to her. Talk to her like a made and be confident.
 

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Twoblave

Dobson’s tactics can be pretty direct. May even seem confrontational so be couscous in your decision to use them. No I did not get confrontational with her or try to lay down the law. Take it or leave it so to speak. I simply carried myself with confidence when I was around her. Didn’t melt down emotionally and went about my normal business. I let her know I understood the situation and what a dangerous place the marriage was in but I wanted to work at it. And that if it didn’t work out at least I tried and I’d be OK moving on. I still told her I loved her when appropriate but didn’t stand around waiting for her to return the statement. Confidence and patience was the best course of action for me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Well, here is what I said.

After careful thought, I have decided to accept that your feelings have changed. I've made peace with this. If you want out, it's ok. I don't want to try to keep you in a relationship that you don't want to be in. You are free to go. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying. This is not a threat, ultimatum, or me asking for an answer to the situation. If you choose to believe that you could love me the way you used to, then we'll talk. I don't want to be in a lifelong relationship with someone who doesn't love me fully, just like you don't want to be in a relationship that makes you feel trapped. I know you won't make a decision either way, unless you are sure you were making the right choice. We've had some great memories and you were my first real love. If we go our separate ways, I want to remember you that way. You won't need to worry about me. I have my friends and family. Not to mention God's got my back. I'll pray that he guides you and helps you find true happiness. Talk to you, later.

Take care,


I tried to be as confident as I could. I didn't want to come off angry and I hope I didn't. I was direct but I felt I needed to be. I am hoping this will take some pressure off of her. She actually sent me a text message out of the blue today. All it said was "I love you". I sent one back saying "I know". She won't get the email till tomorrow. Hope this will help things turn around. I feel my self respect and confidence starting to return and it feels great. I don't believe she wants me any other way. Let me know what you think. I really appeciate you (amp) and everyone else who is helping me with this. I will keep you posted and I hope things are going well for you.:)
 

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Well written. When she responds build on the communication. Nothing wrong with telling her you love her but you accept that the relationship is in trouble and will give her space. Good luck and keep the confidence up no mater how this turns out. Thanks for the well wished.
 

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twoblave ~ I like the jist of what you wrote just not how you wrote it. I think the first and last thing mentioned should have been your love with the sandwich of you will accept any decision and you are in a firm place to handle it in the middle. I do not know it you sent out your letter yet.

The letter is a risk but so is talking. The letter can be disected and she might understand it to be anything she wants it to mean. When talking you might not seem as strong, passionate, mature, etc that you want her to see and lets face it you might fall apart, get emotional, angry or resentful. But in the end you know yourself better then we ever can.

I would think if you trust yourself that talking would be a better way to go if she will spend the time with you. If not then the letter will work as I believe any communication is better then no communication.

draconis
 

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One quick question why blave?

Princess Bride?

Taken from The Princess Bride script.

MIRACLE MAX: "Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world... But that's not what he said. He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff." So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated --

Urban Dictionary: Blave
To bluff, to lie, to blave. Not to be confused with 'True Love'.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Well, no response yet. Guess I'm a little nervous but I've made up my mind that it's better to go through this with some diginty, than to cry and beg her. Guess we'll see what happens. She might think I'm bluffing (blaving) but only time will tell. I know this. I won't be going back acting so pitiful. I felt the more I cling to her the worse the situation is. I love her enough to let her go. If you know what I mean. Twoblave is the name I use on the poker sites I visit now and then. Felt it was catchy plus I love the princess bride.:smthumbup:

Later.
 

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Well, no response yet. Guess I'm a little nervous but I've made up my mind that it's better to go through this with some diginty, than to cry and beg her. Guess we'll see what happens. She might think I'm bluffing (blaving) but only time will tell. I know this. I won't be going back acting so pitiful. I felt the more I cling to her the worse the situation is. I love her enough to let her go. If you know what I mean. Twoblave is the name I use on the poker sites I visit now and then. Felt it was catchy plus I love the princess bride.:smthumbup:

Later.
Please keep us up to date and informed.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Well here is her repsonse.

I appreciate your email. However, I’m not ready to make that decision yet. I do love you and I do miss you, but I’m just struggling with my hurt and resent. I’m really thinking this through a lot with help from my therapist. I just am worried about going back to the way I was feeling before. It took a real toll on me emotionally.

Believe me, I don’t want to keep you hanging, but I don’t want to make any rash decisions. I’m really glad that you are doing better. I worry about you all the time, but like I’ve said before, I really need to worry about myself.

As you know, I’m leaving for Nashville on Sunday morning and will return on Wednesday night. I was going to ask my mom to feed the cats, but if you would like to, let me know. I’m sure they’d love to see you.

Love always,


Here was my response.

Go ahead and have your mom feed the cats. I'll be transferring about $350.00 to your account, sometime tommorrow. Have a safe trip.

Love ya,


Felt it was short and to the point. Strong but hints of love still in there. It was nice to finally see some affection from her. I have a mission to stay strong and confident. To show her strength and love and that same time. I don't think either of us wants to go back to the way our relationship was. That's one thing we can agree on. I want our relationship to have the passion it used to. Not in a new love kind of way but I feel secure because I love and respect you kind of way. Let me know what you guys think.
 

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Sounds promising. Be there for her if she needs. She has asked for time. Be sure to give it to her. Support her as she goes through all of this and keep working on your personal changes and improvements. Good luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Well, for one the money it would cost to drive out there 4 days in a row is really more than I can afford. I will be keeping about $30 out of my check and giving her the rest. Also, I want her to get a sense of me being strong. I love our cats dearly, which she knows. It may sound a little weird but any chance I can show her that I'm my own person, I need to take advantage of. I still made it a point to tell her to be safe. I also liked telling her love ya at the end because it sounds like I'm telling her I love her but in a happy go lucky way. I guess I'm over thinking it a little. The way I see it, I need to take advantage of every word, thought, and opportunity that I can. If she had said she needed me to feed them, then I would have done it. Since there was an option, I took the choice that gave me (I hope) a little bit of an edge. What are your thoughts about her response? Do you think it was wrong to tell her no about the cats? I didn't give her a reason and I'm not really sure what I would say if she asked. I don't really wanna remind her that I'm broke.
 

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Some people relate pets to children. STrange but very true. I would have though holding a bit more of the money to take care of them and it was almost as if she was leaving the door open for you to test you. Maybe she wanted to have the sense of you being around while she needed you and this will force her to make up her mind of what it will be like without you.

You still could have played it cool either way but I just thought it strange.

I do think it sounds like giving her space and time will work in your advantage or atleast better then any other option.

keep us up to date and don't force things.

draconis
 
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