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New on this forum. I've been a lurker for the past 3-4 months trying to hopefully get some direction on my issues. Here it goes....

My husband and I met 7 yrs ago and married 5 yrs this past October. Our dating relationship was great. Sex was exciting and spontaneous :smthumbup: and our communication was open and were always on the same page. Fast forward from our wonderful dating period to being married. For the past 2.5 yrs we've been in marital counseling, no sex for the past 4 yrs and counting. The interesting thing is that I never knew we had serious issues until the sex and intimacy stopped and the horrible arguments started. We both also see our own individual counselors. This is both our second marriage as well. As we continue going to marital counseling the arguments get worse. It seems as if everything I say is misinterpreted by my H and the maddness begins. I do all of the things in the house (clean, cook, pamper) and now it's expected. 2 weeks ago we had a big blow out and I told my H I kept this house running, dogs, kids, household chores etc. and my H was so angry and stated that I never did run this household and that he will do everything from now on. Talk about being in a difficult and stressful environment! :confused:

I am so tired of no intimacy, no relationship and the arguments that keep getting worse. I would greatly appreciate some of your experiences or advice. I sure could use some support right now. Thank you for listening.
 

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Me again. I also forgot (don't know how that happened) about my H's emotional affair he was and still is having w/someone he met in a chat room online. I found out because of my 17 yr old daughter noticed that he was talking and txting on his phone when he went to pick her up late after her work. He hates talking on his phone and our conversations last 2 seconds. I looked on our phone records and found out the truth. Confronted him, he denies it and swears he won't have any future contact. The phone record is clean as a whistle but now he's online IM'ing w/her for hours every nite. I ask him who he's online with and says he's on FB. (I'm getting to hate FB)

He also stated why he's not turned on by me, because when we argue, my anger is a turn off. Well, so is his. I just am tired of waiting.
 

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how are you argueing?? is it a lot of I DO THIS, I DO THAT?, do you point fingers, aandd demand answers?? does he do the same?? do you talk to him respetfuly?? do you allow him to yell or talk cruel to you??

with no intimacy, its time to be understanding, and talk nice. its ok to not agree on everything. if you dont agree, and it turns into a back and forth, only talk about the topic that started it all.

if he comes to you with an attitude, tell him very gently and quietly, you will talk to him later when hes ready to talk nice. if he starts getting the aregument off course like it started about who filled/emptyed the dishwasher, and he wants to talk about how you didnt take the car in for an oil change, stop the arguement, tell him you would like to resolve this prob, and truly work on a solution, but not this way. when he calms down, you can resume talking.

do not engage no matter what buttons he pushes..he will. just shrug it off. keep walking away, pick up a book or a magizine. its hard, but dont feed into it.

when you do talk about it some more, think about it from his point of view, and how it could work out for both of you. be calm no finger pointing and no demanding. if you want him to change something you dont like andd want to change..vidoe games, drinking, gambling...he has to want to change what he sees as negative behivor. if he did it when you were dating, he will continue now.

it is easy to change your self than change someone overnite. start being non-combative. if he dosent like something, like the mop was left out, dont scream well you ut it away...just say oh ok, ill get it in a minute, i was being lazy-keep it light and eazy breezy. if he says it again, tell him thank-you, i will put it away. if he continues, tell him you know and he dosent get to keep talking to you in the manner, and do not engage.

hope some of this helps.....
 

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I hear that a lot. I just spent three hours cleaning while my h laid on the couch. Last night cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes, which is his one and only chore, because the food was starting to rot in the sink. He didn't even offer to help! I do the laundry, clean the entire house, run the errands etc. Yet he constantly tells me that he's the only one that does anything around here. Am I the crazy one? We've had so many arguments about this I can't even count. It's ridiculous. I just don't say anything anymore and do it myself.
 

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I hear that a lot. I just spent three hours cleaning while my h laid on the couch. Last night cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes, which is his one and only chore, because the food was starting to rot in the sink. He didn't even offer to help! I do the laundry, clean the entire house, run the errands etc. Yet he constantly tells me that he's the only one that does anything around here. Am I the crazy one? We've had so many arguments about this I can't even count. It's ridiculous. I just don't say anything anymore and do it myself.
yep...been there...i trird not cleaning..he didnt care, i tried not cooking..he cared slightly. i finally did things the way i wanted to the living room today the kitchen on saturday.

but that wasnt the heart of the matter. he didnt feel i desired him, and he felt i put him on the back burnner. i ran myself ragged cleaning, and wouldnt want sex, or think he should have BJs, he didnt life a finger all day...

that was pushing us further apart. i wanted him to see my POV, he wanted me to see his POV. we forgot a rule that was set up years before...take the I's out of an argument. no "I" did the dishes..no "I" took out the trash. replace all the "I" with "YOU". cant argue with "YOU" did the dishes, "YOU" emptyed the dryer..

in the bedroom it works to.."I" want be loved flips to "YOU" want to be loved..."I" wan to be desired flips to "YOU" want to be desired..so on and so on.
 

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To the OP, you sure he isn't experiencing and sexual problems like ED or something, and he's just handling it poorly by basically blaming you for his shortcomings (NO PUN).
 
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