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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Well, my spouse of 8 years has decided that maybe we should never have been married. She told me that she "Loves me but is not in love with me and may never have been." She isn't sure what she feels or thinks. I am currently on a military deployment in Afghanistan. Things have not been easy and I have made some mistakes in our relationship (spend too much money, haven't focused enough on the relationship, too much focus on my career, always looking to upgrade or improve material things). I have always asked her when it comes to financial decisions and she has told me now that she says yes only to make me happy, even if she doesn't think its right.

My wife has a hard time communicating with me, I try very hard to make certain her voice is heard but she just tells me what she thinks I want to hear. I have asked her to share her feelings with me but she rarely will. It makes it very difficult to compromise or work things out as a team. We do make a great team but she is always supporting me, I rarely get the opportunity to support her and I want to support her and make her happy.

We have intimacy issues even in the beginning of the relationship, but I just thought she was self-conscious, she told me that is what it was. Now she says its just another sign that she is not in love with me. There were times, points in our sex life that things were right and we did have great intimacy/chemistry with each other, but she thinks they might be too far and few between. I think she is beautiful. I know she is uncomfortable, I thought with time it might get better. We never took on counseling even though we talked about it. She rarely initiates but I just accepted it I guess.

She seems to be rewriting or pushing any of the good memories out of the way. She writes off the positive and focuses on the negative. She says that of course there have been some good times but its not enough to make a life out of. She is almost trying to justify these negative feelings.

I know things are hard at home, she is taking care of a little girl, working long hours, has to find a baby sitter, has to take care of a household, has to make sure the finances are taken care of, she is basically a single mom right now while I am over here. She has had a lot of time to think about how things are not right and how she might not be in love with me anymore. I know she is tired of working so hard at this marriage and I haven't been giving back enough to her, I have tried but without feedback I never knew. I do know that it wasn't enough now and I want to make it right for her and us.

I want to do anything I can to save this marriage. I love this woman with every ounce of my being. I love her more than any of the material things she thinks I am concerned with. I would live with her in a tin roof shack if it meant she would love me and be happy. She is everything to me and I am ashamed of myself for focusing on on my career way too much. I have already offered to give up parts of my career to make certain I have time to spend with the people that are important (My wife and my daughter). I want nothing more than to be there right now so I can see her face to face and just let her know that I love her, that I want this to work and I would do anything for her. i have told her but over the phone, through Skype, and emails just doesn't help.

She is not certain it will matter or I will honestly change and stay changed. She isnt sure she can change and isnt sure she even wants to work on it. She is not sure she can love me or if it was ever really there. We have a little daughter that means the world to both of us. I know this will be terrible for her as well if we end up in divorce.

She has agreed to go to counseling by herself at first before I get back. She says she needs to figure out if she want to try or just end it, if she thinks it is even possible for her to be in love with me. Again she says she loves me, she is just not in love with me...my heart breaks every time she says it, I love her soo much. She says that if it looks like a possibility then she will decide if we should go to couples counseling or spend time together working on the relationship. But until she figures out some of these things in her head, she doesn't even want to consider couples counseling, as this might give me false hope.

I feel like my world is ending and that I can do nothing about it. I am going to counseling while I am over here when I can. I don't know what to do or if this is just a slow death to a marriage I want so desperately to fight for and make right. She is a wonderful woman and I want nothing more than to give back to her and support her now, to make sure that I show her how much she means to me. I just don't know if I will have the opportunity now. Does it seem like its over? Could she really not have loved me or ever been in love with me for 8 years? Knowing what we know now cant we take that and grow, become a stronger couple, learn to love each other better?

Sorry for such a long post.
 

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First off, I am so sorry that you are having to face this while you are away and can't be face to face with her. I can only imagine how much harder that must be.

My husband and I are going through a very similar situation right now. He has told me that he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore and that he doesn't think he sees a future with me.

We have also had intimacy issues which have been our main problem ever since we have been together which has escalated into a lot of resentment and anger which has lead to him feeling broken and like it will never feel like the same.

I honestly don't have a whole lot to tell you as far as what to do because I am still new to this process but I can say is if you still want to be in the marriage than you need to continue to fight for it but you also don't want to be too needy or pushy because that only makes it worse and pushes them away. Just try to keep it light and positive when talking to her and don't bring up the problems, wait until she brings them up and talks to you about them.

I don't know if you have heard of the 180 but I am currently doing it even though we haven’t officially separated yet and it has been helping some, not only for my interactions with him but how I view myself. I say this because I felt like I couldn't live without my husband and I begged and pleaded every time he said he was going to leave which only made it worse. Now I am saying that I love him and want to be with him but I can't stop him if he wants to go. It has made him doubt his possible decision and it has allowed me to keep my respect and dignity. If you want a really good book to read I recommend "Divorce Busting" which talks about the 180 rule.

Good luck! I really do hope that everything works out for you. It's not a good feeling to love someone with all your heart and not know whether they are coming or going.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you for at least sharing. i t helps to know that I am not alone, although I am sorry you know what this pain is like. I will have to see if I can find that book. I hope things turn around for you and your husband.

Thanks
 
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