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It would be far less about hate and bitterness, and far more about principles.

"Fool me once - shame on you
Fool me twice - shame on me
Fool me thrice - may God have mercy on your soul, because I won't"

Or in other words "A wounded man shall say to his assailant, if I die you are forgiven, but if I live, I will kill you"

A cheater is a vary large percentage of the time (99%) devoid of principles and honor. I see no reason why I should not use their very own lack of ethics against them.

To each their own.
I dont want to go by how others act, but how I should act. We can act with honour and integrity no matter what.
 
It isn't worth my time or emotional investment to plan and execute a vengeance plan. Being free and happy is so much better!

I do, however, believe in consequences. I also believe in doing right by others. One man I suspect of being an OM of my xw was married at that time, and still is. If I got confirmation then I would certainly expose to OM's W because she deserves to know. I would have no problem notifying a licensing authority or an employer if there was illegal or unethical behavior involved. Those rules exist because unethical people do unethical things professionally as well as in their personal lives. If someone lost their state professional license it would be righteous.

I also believe in setting the record straight if I've been maligned, but only if it matters. If xw's family hates me, I truly wouldn't care.
Yes SO much better to be free and to be able to let the past go and move on. Yes there are consequences, and that may be that both cheaters loose their families, but that is a natural consequence not one caused by a desire to hurt and be vengeful.
 
No I know a lot of good decent men. Not all men are animals driven by lusts. :surprise: Many men would never cheat no matter what, and its demeaning to men to imply that.
Let me be clear that NO MAN would "never cheat no matter what". All human beings are animals driven by chemicals affecting our brain. Do you think teenage boys stop being teenage boys when they hit their 20s? No, they start to understand the consequences of not hiding who they truly are.
 
Discussion starter · #44 ·
Yes SO much better to be free and to be able to let the past go and move on. Yes there are consequences, and that may be that both cheaters loose their families, but that is a natural consequence not one caused by a desire to hurt and be vengeful.
And the desire to hurt and be vengeful is also a natural consequence :p
 
Let me be clear that NO MAN would "never cheat no matter what". All human beings are animals driven by chemicals affecting our brain. Do you think teenage boys stop being teenage boys when they hit their 20s? No, they start to understand the consequences of not hiding who they truly are.
I disagree. Most men have had opportunities presented to them in life and yet 50% remain faithful to their wives. Thank goodness that those 50% are good men. I know many of them.
 
I disagree. Most men have had opportunities presented to them in life and yet 50% remain faithful to their wives. Thank goodness that those 50% are good men. I know many of them.
You're looking at it wrong. Just because they have turned down the opportunities given them doesn't mean they would do so every time.

I hate asparagus. If you offered me some, I would turn that down. Could you conclude that I would never eat food because of that?

I have never cheated on my spouse. I have probably had close to 15 real chances to do so in the four years we've been married. I weighed the pros and cons and decided it wasn't worth it.

But there are so many opportunities that, if presented to me, I would jump at. Without hesitation. Because I am a human being.

Every other man is the same. The ones you refer to, have made the decision that they will subvert their true selves to be who you want them to be. How sad.
 
Discussion starter · #48 ·
No its not its a choice to act that way.
Just as it's a choice to be to let the perpetrator get away with it, or to let them suffer the consequences of their actions.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

I don't agree with judging the OM/OW, but if one feels that the OM/OW has done them harm, they have every right to exact vengeance to make them suffer the consequences.
 
You're looking at it wrong. Just because they have turned down the opportunities given them doesn't mean they would do so every time.

I hate asparagus. If you offered me some, I would turn that down. Could you conclude that I would never eat food because of that?

I have never cheated on my spouse. I have probably had close to 15 real chances to do so in the four years we've been married. I weighed the pros and cons and decided it wasn't worth it.

But there are so many opportunities that, if presented to me, I would jump at. Without hesitation. Because I am a human being.

Every other man is the same. The ones you refer to, have made the decision that they will subvert their true selves to be who you want them to be. How sad.
The men I know are decent men of integrity and strong moral values. I think its sad that you think so little of your own sex that you run them down in this way. Its also sad that you haven't met any good men who would never ever cheat on their wives no matter what.
 
Just as it's a choice to be to let the perpetrator get away with it, or to let them suffer the consequences of their actions.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

I don't agree with judging the OM/OW, but if one feels that the OM/OW has done them harm, they have every right to exact vengeance to make them suffer the consequences.
Not if it means we act as badly as they have. I have learnt though many of life's experiences that forgiveness is vital for healing and emotional well being.
 
The only time I could think of blaming the OM/OW for an affair is when the OM/OW is a close acquaintance to the couple having marital problems and has designs on one of them. Then they use the knowledge of the nature of the marital argument to sow more seeds of anger until the desired spouse had enough and cheats out of anger or frustration. Had the third party not gotten involved with their negativity, the married couple may have worked out their problems without infidelity.

That being said, I generally agree with theme of the article...
In my case I originally REALLY blamed the OM, and my xw a bit. Still blame the OM, but she is ahead of him now.
My xw had an affair (now married to) with a good friend of mine. Not my best friend, but he was a pretty good friend. He lost his 4th wife in December of 2009 to brain cancer. He started chasing my wife mid 2010 He knew my wife was a bit shakey on the mental side, and he played to that. In addition he was talking to me about my marriage, and giving me what I know now was very bad advice, I believe on purpose. The whole time he was working her (I found out July 2011) he was coming around to see me, yeah right, and set up a small business (he was retired) so that she could work with him, I could buy their lunch each day, and he could woo her. I know now that although he was a total jerk, she was the real weak link. The last time I saw him, day before I found out, he put his arm around me, patted my shoulder and said "see you tomorrow buddy!" He used his relationship with me to get her....why I blame him. Now 7 years later, I feel like sending him some wine on the anniversary of DDay, for really doing me a favor!
 
The men I know are decent men of integrity and strong moral values. I think its sad that you think so little of your own sex that you run them down in this way. Its also sad that you haven't met any good men who would never ever cheat on their wives no matter what.
There is no such thing as a "good" person with integrity and moral values. You are an awful person. I am. Everyone we know is.

Just accept it.
 
Discussion starter · #53 ·
Not if it means we act as badly as they have. I have learnt though many of life's experiences that forgiveness is vital for healing and emotional well being.
We don't have to act badly, there are many legal avenues in which to exact revenge, and it is the most preferable after all as it maximises the consequences of the perpetrator and minimises the risk of consequences for the avenger.

By all means, forgive if it helps to calm oneself from being overwhelmed by hate and anger, as too much emotion diminishes the satisfaction of revenge; it is a dish best served cold. But never forget, and never let them get away with it.

If you do, you encourage it.

Take me for example, I got away with it once (as I mentioned), and the guilt was only temporary, I removed it and the moral as well. See how the experience encouraged me? The only moral safeguard that I have to stop myself from being an OM/OW now is the hurt and pain I would cause. And to me, that is a weak safeguard as if I don't know the person, my empathy for them is zero. Now if I had suffered some consequence for what I did, my outlook would have been different.

Life however has not graced me with such a lesson, but I hope my self-discipline is enough.
 
I dont want to go by how others act, but how I should act. We can act with honour and integrity no matter what.
Lol.
That's the thing. I would be living with integrity. Each person's individual code of honor and personal principles are different. That's what makes us unique.

You can't live mine, and I can't live yours, nor would either of us want to. No one tells me how to live. Nor would I even consider the possibility. I tolerate the intolerable until it becomes intolerable,then it means nothing to me. Every person I interact with knows exactly where they stand with me. I won't do behind someone's back what I wouldn't do to their face. My general rule is do no harm, unless crossed, and even then it's generally a 3 strike rule depending on the infraction. Infidelity? That's an automatic deal breaker, and a mortal wound as far as I am concerned.

We will have to agree to disagree.
 
However....the majority of A’s on these threads involve AP’s who absolutely know the WS is married.....and they choose to inflict injury on the BS anyway.

F them.
This is what I'm sayin' ^ And @Dyokemm nailed it as well.

I don't get why this always seems to be made into an AND/OR. I'd be pissed at both of them. My spouse broke a vow to me so obviously they get the full blame that goes with that, and the AP broke "the Code" which is also a violation of "me". They are two separate perpetrators within the same act. If the AP knew that the Wayward was married then that puts them squarely in the sights of blame as well, exponentially more so if the AP was a friend of the betrayed.
If my spouse let someone in my house to steal my possessions, I'd be pissed at the spouse, but I'd be pretty pissed at the thief as well. And Yes, maybe it would have eventually been another thief/AP if it wasn't this one. Then they would be to blame as well. Doesn't justify the AP's actions and they still deserve blame. Like Gus said Plenty of anger/(blame) to go around" . Share and share alike.

QFT!
 
Every other man is the same. The ones you refer to, have made the decision that they will subvert their true selves to be who you want them to be. How sad.
The Idea that you think this is "normal" is the thing that is sad. I do not have to subvert myself to be faithful. Faithful is "What I Am."

There is no such thing as a "good" person with integrity and moral values. You are an awful person. I am. Everyone we know is.

Just accept it.
I have no trouble accepting that you are an awful person. In order for you to be Awful there must be something at the other end of the spectrum to compare you to. Your ego is not big enough to include me.
 
We don't have to act badly, there are many legal avenues in which to exact revenge, and it is the most preferable after all as it maximises the consequences of the perpetrator and minimises the risk of consequences for the avenger.

By all means, forgive if it helps to calm oneself from being overwhelmed by hate and anger, as too much emotion diminishes the satisfaction of revenge; it is a dish best served cold. But never forget, and never let them get away with it.

If you do, you encourage it.

Take me for example, I got away with it once (as I mentioned), and the guilt was only temporary, I removed it and the moral as well. See how the experience encouraged me? The only moral safeguard that I have to stop myself from being an OM/OW now is the hurt and pain I would cause. And to me, that is a weak safeguard as if I don't know the person, my empathy for them is zero. Now if I had suffered some consequence for what I did, my outlook would have been different.

Life however has not graced me with such a lesson, but I hope my self-discipline is enough.
Legal avenue is generally the best.

Your country is a little more civilized than ours. Although it's getting much more rare, it's not all that unheard of to have a OM, either shot, legs broke, or have the life beat out of them.

Wish it would happen more often, then maybe people would think twice.
 
Someone who enables someone else do something illegal/immoral/cruel is also blameworthy for the cruelty. Cheating is wrong, and helping someone cheat is also wrong.

I won't ever date someone who is married. I don't care how separated they are. I don't care if their spouse shows up and tells me they've been separated for years and gives me permission. I'm not doing it. I won't even date someone single until I heavily vet the possibility that they could be lying to me about their marital status.
 
In my case I originally REALLY blamed the OM, and my xw a bit. Still blame the OM, but she is ahead of him now.
My xw had an affair (now married to) with a good friend of mine. Not my best friend, but he was a pretty good friend. He lost his 4th wife in December of 2009 to brain cancer. He started chasing my wife mid 2010 He knew my wife was a bit shakey on the mental side, and he played to that. In addition he was talking to me about my marriage, and giving me what I know now was very bad advice, I believe on purpose. The whole time he was working her (I found out July 2011) he was coming around to see me, yeah right, and set up a small business (he was retired) so that she could work with him, I could buy their lunch each day, and he could woo her. I know now that although he was a total jerk, she was the real weak link. The last time I saw him, day before I found out, he put his arm around me, patted my shoulder and said "see you tomorrow buddy!" He used his relationship with me to get her....why I blame him. Now 7 years later, I feel like sending him some wine on the anniversary of DDay, for really doing me a favor!

That's a rough road of betrayal you had to deal with. But at least it sounds like you came out of it with your head on straight and at least able to place blame where proper blame is due. Stay positive and good luck in your future relationships. :smile2:
 
You're looking at it wrong. Just because they have turned down the opportunities given them doesn't mean they would do so every time.

I hate asparagus. If you offered me some, I would turn that down. Could you conclude that I would never eat food because of that?

I have never cheated on my spouse. I have probably had close to 15 real chances to do so in the four years we've been married. I weighed the pros and cons and decided it wasn't worth it.

But there are so many opportunities that, if presented to me, I would jump at. Without hesitation. Because I am a human being.

Every other man is the same. The ones you refer to, have made the decision that they will subvert their true selves to be who you want them to be. How sad.
Every other man is not the same. I guess I am one of those who has "subverted their true self" and stayed faithful no matter what. I've had opportunities. It's called integrity to not act on those baser desires because we've made a commitment and promise to another. I don't find it sad at all.

If someone wants to be single and screw whoever they want (consenting adult of course), more power to them! Just go get divorced first so that you aren't destroying a spouse/family through lies and infidelity.
 
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