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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Monday 1-7-2012

This will be my last post from this house for who knows how long.
Could be forever, but I hope not.

My story in a nutshell: Me: 59 W 52. 24 year marriage. Second time around for both of us. 6 kids - 3 of mine and 3 of hers - both from first marriages. I adopted her kids over 20 yrs ago. They have all moved on, 4 of the 6 have their own families. 8 grandchildren.

Roughly 5 years ago, I began an A, and emotionally detached from my W. This A was never discovered. About 2 years ago, having no emotional support from me, she began an online EA which eventually led to PA. OM lives in Europe. He visited here 3 times in 2012, and W met up w/ him.

I found out about her A, played the "holier than thou card" (because my A had not been found out), and moved out, saying I wanted D. Four weeks of being w/ OW constantly showed me there was no future there. Whether it's jealousy or whatever, that's when I ended my A, went NC w/ OW and came back home.

Eventually told my W of my A, and we began a shaky R, but I trickle-truthed her for 3 weeks, until the whole story finally came out (five years and caring about OW). All progress we were making toward R was wiped out and it appears she resumed her online A w/ OM.

After a few heated arguments, she wants me to leave. I don't want to go, but she is understandably afraid of what my next "confession of the week" will be, has her online A going for support, and has grown to resent my being in the house. Says she doesn't even like the way I stir my coffee, lol, and "needs some time".

For the record - I do carry a great deal of guilt about having emotionally detached from her and carrying on a five year A. So telling her to stop "cold turkey" her online contact w/ OM is hard for me. She and OM are scheduled for a meetup in late January. Obviously, I hope she decides not to go, and have told her so, but I am leaving that choice up to her. What I will do if she does meetup is undecided at this point. Unless you have been the cheater in a LTM, there is no way you can understand my thinking on this.

I am reluctantly moving out. Neither of us intends to file for D at this time.

Flame away if you must about both mine and my W's actions, but what is done is done, and we cannot unring the bell. I realize that R can never happen unless both of us are on board, so we'll see if her A withers and she will consider R. I will continue IC and working to make myself a better person for either this or any future relationship.

I do not intend to become involved w/ anyone else until this is resolved, and we begin R or decide to D. Considering my impulsive nature, this will be a real challenge for me.

Please indulge me as I use this forum as a journal to document what happens over the next few months.

OT
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Completed the move Monday 1-7-13.

Had a talk w/ W before leaving to confirm our "rules of engagement". I asked if she wanted me to just not contact her at all, she said "No, I don't want it to be that way. I just need some time." I had been feeling her resentment growing over the past couple of weeks. I told her she probably didn't even like the way I stirred my coffee. That did get a chuckle out of her but she seemed to agree.

Felt pretty emotional all day, watched the BCS Championship game, and drank WAY more than I should have. It helped dull the pain, but I felt like crap Tuesday AM. Didn't accomplish as much as I'd planned. (messed up a phone jack for my modem, and had a devil's time finding a replacement).

Youngest son called, asking if I wanted to meet him for a bit. We had dinner and couple beers - went "home" and went to bed.

Up early this AM (Wed 1-9-12) went to the gym earlier than usual so as to avoid W. We've been riding in to gym together for several months. Came back, fixed the phone jack and got my desktop and all the stuff hooked up.

Going to play poker with friends tonight. They're a fun bunch, and really lift my spirits. I forget about my troubles at home for a few hours.
 

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So, are you allowing her A to continue because of guilt over your own?

Are you and your wife 'allowed' to have sex with other people during this separation?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
So, are you allowing her A to continue because of guilt over your own?

Are you and your wife 'allowed' to have sex with other people during this separation?
She will not stop the A, and there is no way I can force her to.

I don't intend to get into any relationship, but what she does in that regard is entirely up to her. Not much I can do to control that.
 

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You can force it to no longer be an affair, by divorcing her.

Why do you want to continue in a relationship with someone who refuses to stop cheating on you? There must be guilt there because of what you did to her. I just cannot wrap my head around it otherwise. You've given her your permission to screw other guys here.

You're right, you cannot control her actions. but you can control your reactions to her actions. By letting her call the shots about your relationship, and not divorcing her, you're giving her permission to cheat.

When she says she needs time, she's keeping you on the back burner for when her AP bails on her. Don't be her Plan B. You should either be Plan A or nothing to her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Hope - yes I do carry a great deal of guilt about my affair.
It was over 5 yrs long, and only ended about 3 mos ago.

OM lives in another country, and right now the A is online.

She has plans to meet him later this month. If that happens, I will file for divorce.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Good day. paid apartment rent, had a nice lunch solo, and met a friend for a couple of beers.

Home and hitting the sack. Going to the gym early in the AM
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Well, whadaya know. W came up and gave me a kiss this AM at the gym.

Hmmmmm
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
So?? Why on earth would you let her do this?? She is SO using you.
Maybe so, but I will be the judge of that, Hope.

Thanks for your input, though
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Went out for dinner solo and then to my son's club to have a couple of drinks and listen to the band. Stayed out a bit later and had a few more drinks than I intended, so today (Sat) has been just been a lazy day.

Hit the sack early. Maybe make the early service at church tomorrow.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Terrible toothache last night - went to bed about midnight, didn't get to sleep until at least 3AM. The toothache would usually go away if I stood up for a couple of minutes. It seemed at times to hurt on an upper tooth, then a bottom tooth, and sometimes both upper and lower seemed to hurt simultaneously. WTF? Ended up taking 6 Advil PM, and slept OK. Toothache gone when I woke up this AM. Went to church, but didn't make the early service.

Had lunch with a female friend and her daughter and then went to check out a car she was considering buying. Good thing, too - would've been a bad buy - too many problems (actually broke down during our test drive).

She's attractive, and in a way, I was testing myself to see if I could be around an attractive woman and not "put the make" on her, which has been my natural behavior over the years, and caused me so many problems.

Although I did think about it, I held my tongue when a couple of opportunities for sexual innuendo presented themselves.

Admittedly, I could see myself enjoying her company if things don't work out at home.

Had dinner w/ Mom tonight. Tooth is just a dull thud right now, thanks to a couple of pills and powders. Gonna hit the dentist in the AM. I'll likely wind up at the endodontist tomorrow.

I love root canals. :mad:

Three good things that happened today:
1. Heard a wonderful message from a visiting pastor
2. Had lunch w/ a delightful 10 y.o. Since all my kids are grown - I'd have forgotten how much fun they are at this age.
3. Dinner and conversation w/ my 82 y.o. mother.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Went to gym this AM. Had good workout. An hour on the bike, and some weights for rehab on my bad knee (Had knee surgery over a yr ago, but didn't rehab properly and now I'm playing catch-up).

Waited for W after her class - asked her to have a cup of coffee w/ me. She accepted. If she hadn't I was OK w/ that possibility, too. Ended up having breakfast together, talked and laughed a bit.

Went to my dentist about toothache, referred to endodontist.
(I pretty much expected that).

Root canal early this afternoon. Not hurting anymore.
The Lortab 10's and steroids probably help.
And the vodka. :)

About to have some spaghetti...eating better than I have in months. Bulking up a bit w/ the exercise. Gonna hit the weight room a bit harder this week. Hopefully the weather will clear up so I can walk outside. I hate walking inside - just won't do it.

Three good things that happened today:
1. Lady @ gym asked me: "Do you know God loves you?"
I answered, "Yes - but thank you for reminding me".
2. Had breakfast w/ a good friend
3. Root Canal
Yep, I'm not hurting anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Well, after my post last night, W tells me online that she's planning on going to meet OM next week.

My reply:
"I don't want you to, and truly wish you didn't feel like you have to go.But, I love you. I want you to be happy. If going to meet Mr. xxxxxx makes you happy, then please go. Goodbye."

Decided to go dark - time to protect my own heart. Met w/ IC early this AM, she agreed that was the best thing to do.

Unfortunately, since we've been in business together for the last 22 years, going completely dark is going to be difficult if not impossible - at least until we get these insurance claims finished.

I had to go to the house today to get an insurance policy to complete a Proof of Loss for a claim. Just went in, announced my presence, and told her why I was there. Asked her if she had done the part of the claim for which she is responsible (inventory loss) - she said she had forgotten about it, but picked up the pertinent paperwork and left the room. Told her I had found what was needed and left w/ no reply. Pretty clean.

Three good things that happened today:
1. Good IC session
2. Had lunch with my son
3. No drama when I stopped by the house
 
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
So last night, in an alcohol-induced moment of weakness, I sent W an online message asking her not to go on her trip next week.

This AM, I wonder what I will do if she answers positively? I feel like the proverbial dog chasing the car - what will I do with it if I catch it?

She hasn't answered in any way, and I'm actually relieved.

I think she will be better at this NC thing than me, lol
 

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I do not understand why you are putting yourself through this. Be done with her. The only reason she isn't done with you is because you're plan B - she knows if things don't work out with OM she has you to come running back to. Till the next time someone else catches her eye.

Your response to her should have been "Do what you want to, but know that if you do go meet with him, I am filing for divorce". Any other reply is enabling her!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thursday 1/17/13

Not much going on today.

It snowed.
I worked out.
Hitting the sack early.
 

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i don't think you even want her back old timer or know why your even chasing that car you mentioned.

you've moved out with no problems it seems at all really. your seeing people , still doing all your stuff , sussing out the women and - you had a 5 yr affair .
so why the 5 yr affair - you weren't happy at home . but now you want home again.

old timer here's my take.
forget the wife for awhile , leave her to do what she wants.
instead , stay in the flat for awhile now that your there , and give what you "really " want , a chance to surface .

i don't think you've really even wanted to be married to her for a long time.
 

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I agree with the others OT,why waste your time and energy trying to get back with the wife.
Wouldnt it be better if you poured that time and energy into a new relationship with someone else?
Just seems like there is way too much baggage in your marriage now.
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Discussion Starter · #20 · (Edited)
Hawk/calvin: you both raise valid points.
I am mentally processing all of this now, and being away from the W does seem to give me some clarity.

As to whether I'd rather invest the time and energy into this M or use it in a new relationship, I'm torn about this. Having 24 yrs invested in this one makes me think I would rather invest the time and energy into this M. I feel (and my W feels the same) that we had a good relationship overall. For me, the lack of sex made me want to stray. For her, my lack of emotional involvement made her not want to have sex. It's a vicious circle that I never really "got". Not justifying my cheating, I should have handled it differently.

She was in the throes of perimenopause 5 yrs ago. We've never been good communicators, and even though I'm a pretty smart guy - I was clueless. If I had known what her emotional state was 5 yrs ago, I would have handled it differently. This feeds my guilt.

From a strictly practical view, our lives are so entwined with jointly owned property and such, that a D is going to be very messy, and cost us both a wad of money. (not just a couple of grand, serious money). Because of some ongoing legal matters, we will have to deal w/ each other going forward whether we want to or not. We also have 6 children and 8 GC, so we would have to deal w each other in that regard as well. I know, I know - I should've thought about this before cheating, but I didn't - I only thought of myself.

So - one day I think we should work it out, and the next day I think we should call it quits and let the chips fall where they may.

I do realize that R cannot happen w/o both of us being 100% on board, so it's not just my decision - unlike my decision to cheat.

So this is where I am. Don't get me wrong, I caused this situation and will have to deal w the fallout either way. For me, the decision of which way to go is a bit more complicated in my mind than it may be in yours.

Thanks for your input.
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