My wife occasionally refuses to have sex with me without any explanation. My suspicion is that she is having (pleasant) flashbacks about sex with old sex partners. She firmly denies that, but still gives no answer why she does not want to have sex with me. Anyone else ever have this? Anyone have any advice?
Old sex partnerS
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You need to discover the differences between men and women when it comes to sex. There may be a host of reasons she doesn't want sex and she may not be comfortable telling you.
Low libido; boring sex; painful sex; little romance/emotion; work stress; not in the mood(it happens); body image issues; exhaustion, etc.
One main reason is that she may want to be romanced first, not a quick grab here and there and to business (if you know what i mean). Good sex starts long before the actual act, flirting, touching, etc at dinner time, etc. Too many males go along the line of 'wham bam thank you mam' leaving their partner feeling unfulfilled and a bit used to be honest. Look to see what you are doing that may not be getting her engines warmed up
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Projection
Why, your accusing her of a thought crime.
It seems baseless, but until we know the facts, this is likely you projecting in the most primitive way.
Why, your accusing her of a thought crime.
It seems baseless, but until we know the facts, this is likely you projecting in the most primitive way.
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Do you have flashbacks about sex with your old sex partners?
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Do you feel inadequate compared to her past sexual experiences?
Your insecurity may be the culprit to why she doesn't desire that intimacy with you.
Your insecurity may be the culprit to why she doesn't desire that intimacy with you.
Occasionally not wanting sex is perfectly normal. What makes you think it's for the reason stated?
You need to recognize that the real problem is that you are not comfortable with her past sex life and you feel threatened by it and by the guys that feature in it. It's common for these feelings (called Retroactive Jealousy - RJ) to be magnified when sex is refused. You are seeing these past lovers as competition as you think every time she refuses sex, she is dreaming about them and by extension, would rather be with them than you.
The issue is not about how to be better at getting her to want to have sex with you, it's about addressing the underlying RJ issue.
Raising the RJ issue with a partner needs to be done carefully. You've already raised the issue with her but in the wrong way. So the RJ problem is somewhat 'out of the bag' already. Missteps in discussing this with her can leave her feeling under attack for her past sex life and will cause her to shut down.
There is no magic formula to addressing this with her but first read up on RJ, think about your situation and make a plan to make it better. Generally I believe that openness on both sides is important to resolving RJ. Some say that you shouldn't talk about past lovers, etc but the issue is already out there for you and you are making all kinds of assumptions about what's in her head. This needs to be de-mystified and talked about openly for it to work toward resolution.
You need to recognize that the real problem is that you are not comfortable with her past sex life and you feel threatened by it and by the guys that feature in it. It's common for these feelings (called Retroactive Jealousy - RJ) to be magnified when sex is refused. You are seeing these past lovers as competition as you think every time she refuses sex, she is dreaming about them and by extension, would rather be with them than you.
The issue is not about how to be better at getting her to want to have sex with you, it's about addressing the underlying RJ issue.
Raising the RJ issue with a partner needs to be done carefully. You've already raised the issue with her but in the wrong way. So the RJ problem is somewhat 'out of the bag' already. Missteps in discussing this with her can leave her feeling under attack for her past sex life and will cause her to shut down.
There is no magic formula to addressing this with her but first read up on RJ, think about your situation and make a plan to make it better. Generally I believe that openness on both sides is important to resolving RJ. Some say that you shouldn't talk about past lovers, etc but the issue is already out there for you and you are making all kinds of assumptions about what's in her head. This needs to be de-mystified and talked about openly for it to work toward resolution.
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How much older? Do you mean retiree sex or geriatric sex?
Oh sweet heaven,
I hope this is not a real post. If it is, then you need to get help, right away. SERIOUSLY!!! I know a man who regularly calls me to complain that his wife is prostituting herself cheating with younger men for drugs. She's nearly 70 years old and drug tested for her job, and honestly, although he says she is beautiful and always turning younger men's heads, she is NOT. Not saying older women are not sexy, cause they can be, but she is not in that category. Never has been. Still, about every 6-8 months or so he calls me with the most elaborate tales of her deception. He is very sincere, full of despair, and completely in need of help, as I think you are. If this is a real post.
A woman, who is your wife, refuses to have sex with you on occasion, and does not give you a reason?! Here's the reason: It is 2015, women are no longer property, and its her body.
Next, if she's nearing menopause, and even young women can enter it early, or some other medical reason, she will not want to.
Next, she may have a psychological or emotional reason that she does not want to.
Finally, if your go to issue under this circumstance is to accuse her of fantasizing about past lovers, then perhaps her issue is you. I'm not being mean spirited when I say it. I genuinely mean that you may have just gotten on her last and final nerve. If a woman is sick of you, she's not sleeping with you if she can help it.
I hope this is not a real post. If it is, then you need to get help, right away. SERIOUSLY!!! I know a man who regularly calls me to complain that his wife is prostituting herself cheating with younger men for drugs. She's nearly 70 years old and drug tested for her job, and honestly, although he says she is beautiful and always turning younger men's heads, she is NOT. Not saying older women are not sexy, cause they can be, but she is not in that category. Never has been. Still, about every 6-8 months or so he calls me with the most elaborate tales of her deception. He is very sincere, full of despair, and completely in need of help, as I think you are. If this is a real post.
A woman, who is your wife, refuses to have sex with you on occasion, and does not give you a reason?! Here's the reason: It is 2015, women are no longer property, and its her body.
Next, if she's nearing menopause, and even young women can enter it early, or some other medical reason, she will not want to.
Next, she may have a psychological or emotional reason that she does not want to.
Finally, if your go to issue under this circumstance is to accuse her of fantasizing about past lovers, then perhaps her issue is you. I'm not being mean spirited when I say it. I genuinely mean that you may have just gotten on her last and final nerve. If a woman is sick of you, she's not sleeping with you if she can help it.
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How in the world did you come to this conclusion?
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Or maybe she just isn't in the mood?:scratchhead:
Or do you have grounds for your suspicions?
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The most important question is this something new? Has your sex life changed in the last few years? Has anything else changed in her behavior?
Do you still romance and date her?
Get the book, no matter what's going on linked to below. Its not a sex manual but a behavior guide. It can also be downloaded at amazon. MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. You will ba amazed.
Do you still romance and date her?
Get the book, no matter what's going on linked to below. Its not a sex manual but a behavior guide. It can also be downloaded at amazon. MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. You will ba amazed.
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Bigfoot, if he truly believes his wife is hot enough to turn young men's heads, and describes elaborate but utterly untrue events that are real to him, then it is possible that he might be having some issues caused by a form of dementia. He needs to be checked out before he does something physical.
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Not enough information^99999
right off, I'd say start making love to her like in the morning. sweetly seduce her all day long. she'll be jumping your bones in no time. start dating her.
if she says no to sex, just say. thats ok. then stfu. she'll be all over you.
be the leader of your marriage, not a whimpering complainer. take charge. friday nights are ALWAYS date nights. get out there and actually care about her.
if she says no to sex, just say. thats ok. then stfu. she'll be all over you.
be the leader of your marriage, not a whimpering complainer. take charge. friday nights are ALWAYS date nights. get out there and actually care about her.
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