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I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years. Just recently he asked me to marry him and I accepted. The relationship is very good...virtually no conflict, both of us are accommodating and considerate to each other. He's really a kind, wonderful man and we are compatible on so many levels. Because of past bad experiences on both sides, we've agreed to be totally transparent with each other and we've shared email passwords, etc. It's a nice, peaceful relationship based on trust. So here's the problem: the other day I was using his computer and, simply out of curiosity, I looked at his email. Yes, it was a completely *%$chy thing to do and I felt guilty the whole time, but I guess I wanted to test the "transparency" thing. I found numerous old emails to women he had dated in the past via online dating sites. I knew about most of these women so that was no surprise. Except there were more of them than I realized. It seems like he spent the better part of two years emailing various women (sometimes five or six different women per day) who he barely knew and pouring out his heart to them in a very personal way. I guess what really bothered me was he used almost verbatim the same lines he's used with me....telling them how special they were and starting every email with "Hi Beautiful" just like he does with me. It was almost like he recycled the same old script over and over, and I suddenly felt like everything he'd ever said to me was fabricated and that I was just the latest in a long line of women. I have to point out that he has not been very successful with women in the past and now I wonder if it's because he comes on too strongly too quickly. He'd date someone for two or three weeks and start telling feeding them this saccharine gushiness. I don't really understand how someone can say things like that after just a few weeks of knowing a person...it takes me a long time to get close. But he did the same thing to me...after just a few weeks I was the most wonderful woman in the world and he'd never known anyone like me. But he apparently felt the same way about quite a few other women. Now, after reading those emails, nothing he says feels genuine. I'm worried that I've gotten involved with a desperate man who'll say anything to flatter and manipulate a woman. Am I overreacting? The sheer volume of sappy emails he wrote came across as pathetic and I just feel generally kind of skeeved out by him now. And who the hell saves literally dozens of emails to random women once they're in a serious relationship?
 

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If you're going to share E-Mail passwords like you have, there is always going to be a chance one of you is going to have a sneaky look. It just happened that you were first :p From what you say about bad experiences prior to your relationship, it was probably inevitable in this case.

I can understand why you are wondering why on earth he has saved E-Mails to old flames/girlfriends. Maybe he kept them for a while then forgot he had them? It could be that they aren't important to him at all.

You said your relationship is a good one, so this issue doesn't need to create a cloud over it. I think you should admit to him that you looked at his E-Mails, ask him why(not in an accusing way of course) he has kept them and that you are a little concerned about the content in them.
 

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I can see WHY you feel as you do ~ if to all of these women, it was a repetitious repeat... He does sound very much like a "LINE disher" type man...to reel them in.

What happened with most of these relationships ...was HE the one who got dumped, or was he the dumper
Was it 'just sex" with the majority? You could learn something from that right there.

People who are lonely tend to jump head on into relationships saying stuff that should be waited for...using the test of TIME.... it's not really healthy because more than not, it doesn't work out, they get rejected, it wares on their self esteem...then they feel they need to hide who they really are/ be someone else to "hold" a relationship... do & say what women want to hear to keep them strung. Women eat that up, but if it is all talk...they see through it eventually >> His words not matching his actions.

I am all for Transparency, did a thread on it >>>> HERE

The question is... do you feel he is head over heels in love WITH YOU... it is possible he made alot of mistakes in the past trying to get women... and learned from that. I don't know.
 

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Myopia,

Is that the only issue in your relationship? Did all of these emails happen BEFORE the two of you got involved? If so, all this really points to is cheeziness and lack of imagination on your BF's part...is that really enough to throw it all away? Only you can decide.

That being said, please make sure that he isn't continuing to write to these women; I was with someone who was carrying on a series of emotional affairs over email/FB/texting...and he was using the same lines he used with me (vomit!), which was enough for me to walk and never look back.
 

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Kinda hard to invent new words, specially when you have a tested formula... But words are just shells. Acts and real feelings are what really matter. If the only thing wrong with this guy is that he isn't too inventive with his sweet talk, then you're lucky.
 

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So he used a process in trying to get a woman to fall for him.

Does that mean he did not want you to fall for him?

In 1.5 years, do you know him deeply as a person?

No good comes from delving too deeply in your partners' past.
 

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I think it is eeky sicky to share email passwords...that actually causes distrust and misunderstandings. It lacks boundries. It is indicative of insecure peopel trying desparately to feel secure.

So if one is going share email passwords with their SO, then they should expect to find the type of thing the OP did find. And to cut some slack.

I sense the OP and her SO are immature and young. It radiates like the sun.

Looking at the correspondances I sent women before I met my wife, I too find the same type of spiel sent to many. This is a lot more common then one might think, and it is not proofe that the guy is a smuck or insencere.

We use what seems to work. Over and over again.

What matters is not so much what we write but more of what we do.

My suggestion to the OP is to stop sharing email passwords, and build trust in other more healthy ways.
 

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I think it's natural to... um, "fall back" on certain things with new people. I mean, what person hasn't said, "I never felt this way before" about a new partner (or to them?)

On the other hand, I've also been in a situation eerily similar to yours and came to regret it deeply.

I think you have to evaluate whether there are other red flags to be concerned about. If there are, you may want to consider postponing marriage. If you admire the way he treats others, and if he treats you well, then you might just chalk it up to his insecurity and anxiety about approaching women. But if you see any indications that he has a tendency to manipulate other people, it might be worth worrying... a LOT.
 
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