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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So yesterday in MC she finally states that she just cannot do the things I need (full transparency, full disclosure, etc., etc.). We had had a blowup the night before as I "caught" her deleting text message on her phone and she tried to play it off as being from her cousin, blah, blah, blah. She told me I could look it up on the phone records, and I just told her she doesn't get it. Not one bit, does she understand. I don't care about her cousin, and maybe that is who they were from...but what could ever be in those messages that you NEED to erase? AND we had talked specifically about that issue of NOT erasing messages. She gets mad that she doesn't have any privacy, and that it will never get better. I just told her people with nothing to hide, hide nothing, so I don't understand the problem...

We are going to try and keep things together through the holidays, although I dunno about that. But, I will on my part.

I told our MC almost a year ago, that she wouldn't be able to do the things that needed to be done to fully R, and I suppose having known that, I should have moved on at that time.

I guess you just really hope that the other person will grow up, to some degree.

We had seperated before and I told her this time I was not leaving the house till it was sold or the divorce was final. I'm not doing that again. We will see what sort of battleground this all becomes before too long.

I DID tell her and our MC (in the most even of tones), that recovery is still within her power. That the things I NEED for full R are not out of the ordinary or beyond reason, as could be evidenced by any book on affairs or groups such as this. My wife's response was that she was not a statistic, but my wife. I told her statistically she is behaving perfectly as someone who doesn't want to really recover and that she is following the script well. She didn't like that.

When she went to the bathroom, the MC told me she just doesn't understand the wall my wife has up and why she absolutely refuses to lower it. I guess that is no longer my problem.

I am thankful for TAM, at least I know I'm not crazy in sticking to my guns about what I need to fully recover. Sweeping it under the rug is definitely the wrong thing to do, and what we did our first go round. I just need to continue to see this as her choice not to return to the marriage, not mine. Someone please remind me of that from time to time...
 

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I just told her she doesn't get it.

I just told her people with nothing to hide, hide nothing

I DID tell her and our MC (in the most even of tones), that recovery is still within her power.
See the 3 things that I quoted you saying above?

Those three things are the height of lameness and gives all the power to your wife when she really deserves none and by giving her the power she loses interest in doing what you want because she isn't all that attracted to you.

Stop giving her the reasons why she should be doing all these things and just tell her it's over.

If you don't understand why you don't need to justify your reasons and why you shouldn't let her know that youre ready willing and able to take her back anytime she cleans up her act, then think about it until you do.
 

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Well she made her choice. She picks to be secretive over trying for an R. So Divorce is really the only option.
If you cave now it would be the first step in being a doormat.

Man your battle station. You stuck to your guns and she refused the offer. Its not your fault at least your tried.
 

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She has not been taking you seriously. Let her know that you are serious by filing for divorce as soon as possible.
 

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Doc, the next time you see her erase a text, take the phone from her, go to your car, put the phone behind a front tire, back up onto it, turn your steering wheel left and right until you're sure its pulverized, pull up a little, get out of the car, pick up the largest piece, hand it to her and say; "this is our marriage". Then leave.

T
 

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Doc, the next time you see her erase a text, take the phone from her, go to your car, put the phone behind a front tire, back up onto it, turn your steering wheel left and right until you're sure its pulverized, pull up a little, get out of the car, pick up the largest piece, hand it to her and say; "this is our marriage". Then leave.

T
Don't leave, just start tossing her stuff out on the lawn! She leaves!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Doc, the next time you see her erase a text, take the phone from her, go to your car, put the phone behind a front tire, back up onto it, turn your steering wheel left and right until you're sure its pulverized, pull up a little, get out of the car, pick up the largest piece, hand it to her and say; "this is our marriage". Then leave.

T
Tony, there are a few posters here I really enjoy reading. You are one of them. If nothing more than the blunt truth. Too bad I woud be the one paying for the phone... I think the leave part is valid though. Tough love. Thank you everyone. Even at where I am with forgiveness and holding onto stuff, etc., I find it hard to really say "It's over". I just need to keep reminding myself that she is the one who won't come to the table, not me...
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Did you do a full all out exposure on her affair?
fow what it was worth. the POSOM was a cop using different phones so it was really hard to nail this down for a long time! The first D-day (I know...) they both begged me to not expose to the OMW as our town is small and it would cause quite a stir (I didn't know about TAM or really anything at that time, I was just reeling!)

After I caught them a second time, I exposed. I don't think she has ever forgiven me for this. I doubt she ever will. Oh, well. I guess.

I think often that I will one day look back on this and question why I stayed as long as I did with someone who CLEARLY was not into truly salvaging the marriage. But then I see my kids faces and remember the good times...which were the majority of the marriage!
 

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I think filing D is the way to go. I did once stbx wouldn't stop the A after 3 months out on her own, then moving in with him. It's final in 77 days (not that I'm counting) and I am appreciating the peace of mind. No more worry about what she's up to!

I realized two things about my wife, she's extremely selfish and she had no respect for our marriage. Same goes for yours.

I see that you have children, that's rough especially since you plan to move to another community. Thing is, you can't let her walk all over you like this. She isn't the same woman you married. Save yourself, the way you're living is a slow death. I've been there. You can do this.
 

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Doc I am truly sorry. Read again what you just wrote:
"After I caught them a second time, I exposed. I don't think she has ever forgiven me for this. I doubt she ever will. Oh, well. I guess."

She is unwilling to forgive YOU for outing her A, after being caught a second time. Good god. You so totally deserve more from this life than that.
 

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To heck with YOU leaving. SHE leaves. Kick her unremorseful cheating butt right to the curb.
 

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Transparency is not much to ask for. I'm sure you are as transparent as she wants you to be because you're not hiding anything. She's not transparent because she's doing things outside of the marriage.

Wheather you are hoping for recovery or divorce, your nest few steps are the same as she's crossing the line in the sand. You have to file papers and become a rock in your position of the things you know are right like transparency. I'm sure you said be transparent or it won't work and she's not being transparent so it's your move now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
To heck with YOU leaving. SHE leaves. Kick her unremorseful cheating butt right to the curb.
Doesn't really matter who will leave, in the end. I make sh!t loads of money, but not enough to support two households like this. Financially I will come out ahead. When I was out of the house for 6mos, I lived in a converted garage. Hahahaha! Respected surgeon in the community in a drafty garage! Sure kills the image of the surgeon on the hill doesn't it? HA! But I came from nothing, I was happy in that garage with nothing. I just need my kids...
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Transparency is not much to ask for. I'm sure you are as transparent as she wants you to be because you're not hiding anything. She's not transparent because she's doing things outside of the marriage.

Wheather you are hoping for recovery or divorce, your nest few steps are the same as she's crossing the line in the sand. You have to file papers and become a rock in your position of the things you know are right like transparency. I'm sure you said be transparent or it won't work and she's not being transparent so it's your move now.
As I have said before, right after finding out about her A, I did have an EA with someone who actually was the biggest champion for the marriage. Oddly, our secret relationship was not about our relationship (EA relationship) but about my marriage and how to deal (still a secret, so still an EA, I get it). But I have been transparent as all get out about that one, she read all my texts, talked to her on the phone a few times and we stopped all contact when she asked us to....not that she stopped her contact with OM...

One day I should probably write my story out from beginning to end. Maybe after the end :)

I hate writing stuff down sometimes...really makes me see what I putz I have been. What happened to me? When we met, I was dating three other women, from the same group! The first time she said she loved me, I broke up with her to get away. Where did THAT guy go?
 

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When she went to the bathroom, the MC told me she just doesn't understand the wall my wife has up and why she absolutely refuses to lower it. I guess that is no longer my problem.

QUOTE]

Your MC is either dumb or a liar.

Your wife wants her privacy to keep secrets. A 5 year old would know that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
QUOTE]

Your MC is either dumb or a liar.

Your wife wants her privacy to keep secrets. A 5 year old would know that.[/QUOTE]

I have thought both of these things, honestly. when apart I think she panders whomever is in the room. when together she seems to only be interested in the "root" of the feeling. not the affair, but the why?

So last time I spoke up and said "Okay, she said she had the affair becasue of resentment for me making her go back to work, how is that going?"

I don't think either one of them like me very much at that point. Kinda why I stopped the IC. Just didn't feel like it was doing anything for me, and not seeing any push in MC.
 

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Doesn't really matter who will leave, in the end. I make sh!t loads of money, but not enough to support two households like this. Financially I will come out ahead. When I was out of the house for 6mos, I lived in a converted garage. Hahahaha! Respected surgeon in the community in a drafty garage! Sure kills the image of the surgeon on the hill doesn't it? HA! But I came from nothing, I was happy in that garage with nothing. I just need my kids...
It's the principle of the thing. She should be the one getting inconvenienced, not you! Besides, it's what I did :D

Oh, and you might as well quit wasting money on MC too.
 
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