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A little bit about me. I am a relatively inexperienced with relationships. My longest one previous to my marriage was 6 months. I am in my mid 30's and my wife is in her mid 20's. We met online and were inseparable to the point of shutting out our friends and family. I proposed after a year and we were married after about 20 months. Lead up to the marriage was not fun, lots of family drama from her side and my sister and Mom do not really like her I don't think.

Our first year of marriage was tough. We attended a marriage class, had lots of fights, sleeping on the couch, make up, I screw up, repeat. My family says I have changed and am not as care free and happy. I have lost confidence in myself when meeting new people and in group situations. I went through a couple months of depression due to the situation. According to her I don't listen, I don't follow up on what I say I will do, and she has given up on asking me to do things.. Wife sees anything I say I will do but don't as an affront to her and that means I don't love her. She says she is generally unhappy and fantasizes about her life without me. Her major sticking point is that I don't listen. During a bad episode she "moved out", packed up the dogs and her clothes went to her mothers. She came back about 6 hours later and pretended like nothing had happened and still denies she was planning on leaving. When angry I say things I don't mean, she cannot forgive or forget things those things and will come up as issues in fights months down the line. I actually have been going to therapy as well to help my anger but I think it has just helped me to deal with her and hasn't fixed any of our problems. she went to therapy before our marriage and when I bring up going together she says she has gotten what she needs out of therapy and knows who she is and does not want to go.

Why am I the one that always screws up and gets in "trouble". Do I just not care enough to make stick up for myself or is it not worth the hassle. She cant be perfect. If she is I am just even more messed up and all this is my fault. Why cant I think of things she has done wrong?

Why do I feel compelled to fix things. IOS 6 comes out for my wife's iPhone. She asked me not to but I almost had a compulsive need to update it. I justified it in my head that I would fix it for her and she would like it. Result was getting yelled at by my wife and me sleeping on the couch. I am sooo excited for tomorrow. I see time sitting on the couch staring at the wall while my wife glares at me and says she doesn't like me and she is miserable. I know I messed up and I shouldn't have touched her things. I really don't know why I did it.

So sorry for the brain dump but I am clueless about what to do. I feel stifled because she wants to be with me all the time and I feel like she really doesn't like me and is staying in the marriage because she has to. We have only been married a year. It shouldn't be this bad already where I am trying to figure out ways out and how we will split up the house and dogs in my mind.

Any advice or thoughts are appreciated.
 

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WOW.
You put iOS 6 on her phone and it resulted with you sleeping on the COUCH?! Seriously? That's so petty! Your wife treats you like a child. Was she like this before you got married too?

Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? I mean, just by reading this I can tell you are depressed. Do you love your wife?

IMO I think you should let her go because I don't know how much longer you'll be able to take her crap for. But if you want to stay with her, I suggest marriage counselling, it's the only option.

(And I'm guessing your sister and mum don't like her because they feel she controls you.)
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Wow.. Your wife doesn't respect you. She expects you to fix everything. She's adopted the don't care attitude. I wonder what would happen if you told her it was over? She's acting like a child, wonder what would happen if YOU for once treated HER like one.
 

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Thanks for the advice. I have talked with her before about going to a marriage counselor, about 6 months ago, but she did not really want to go. She brought up the point about having gotten all she could out of therapy and things improved in our relationship and I dropped it. I'll have to let her know it is a priority and get it scheduled.

I do not want my marriage to be over and I love her but I think if she doesn't want to go to counseling I may have to talk to her about ending things. I don't think either of us are happy with our marriage how it is.

I did laugh though looking back on the iPhone story. I may be the only man in the world sleeping on the couch because of IOS 6. Dang Apple! :)
 

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There are some deep issues here with values, rules, and beliefs b/t you both.

Also be the man in the relationship. There is nothing wrong with doing what you have to do to make your wife happy but in the end you should respect her as a wife and she should respect you as the man of the relationship. I'm not talking about equality and all that BS - we have a pair of balls for a reason and that is the role you take on (old fashioned perhaps?)

anyhow in the end you both have to want to make this work. you can do stuff all day long on your side but if you don't work together it will not workout. i'm all for doing anything and everything to understand why it is not working and how to make it work.

hope the counseling helps.

she may also not be right for you. if two women in your life (mom and sis) don't like her and its easy for them to look from the outside in (with bias of course) then something isn't right.

and quit being down on yourself - "screwing up" we all screw up. especially us dudes - but it's learning and growing from it that makes the difference going forward.

Joe
 

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We have only been married a year. It shouldn't be this bad already.
DH, I strongly AGREE. It sounds like something is seriously wrong. Yet, because your descriptions of the troubles are very broad brush, it is difficult to get a clear picture of what is going on. I therefore suggest you take a look at the thread that Sully started yesterday. He is a young man who is experiencing troubles like yours while being only a short way into his new marriage (only 3 months of marriage in his case).

Some of Sully's issues sound like those you are describing, or seem to be describing. Sully's thread is at thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/56352-wife-does-not-trust-me.html#post1080621. If that discussion rings a bell, please tell us what behaviors sound very familiar (if any). I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, DH.
 

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It sounds like she values action more then words so not following through with request is a major insult to her. I don't think she wants to leave she is just frustrated with the whole thing.
 

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Before you make any moves that you will regret, think very carefully about what YOU want. Your post is all over the place - you fantasize about leaving on one hand & on the other hand you love her & want to stay married.

Red flags are popping up all over the place - trouble before the marriage, fast courtship excluding friends & family, your Mother & Sister don't like your wife & say you have changed, fighting, anger issues, unhappy & problems after only 1 yr. of marriage.........
 

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1) Her major sticking point is that I don't listen.
2) IOS 6 comes out for my wife's iPhone.
3) She asked me not to.
4) You did it anyway.
5) You get in trouble.

Dude. I am totally with her on this. Screwing with someones phone these days is like rearranging her handbag for her. Just let it alone.

Married 1 year huh? Counseling wouldnt hurt here - you both would benefit from some guidance and perspective. She is treating you like $hit as well.

"When angry I say things I don't mean, she cannot forgive or forget things those things and will come up as issues in fights months down the line."

This is important - words matter. You need to pay attention to this.
 

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Our first year of marriage was tough. We attended a marriage class, had lots of fights, sleeping on the couch, make up, I screw up, repeat. My family says I have changed and am not as care free and happy. I have lost confidence in myself when meeting new people and in group situations. I went through a couple months of depression due to the situation.
I see lots of problems here. You should not be depressed after the first year of marriage. Although it can be stressful, it is supposed to be a happy time.


Why am I the one that always screws up and gets in "trouble". Do I just not care enough to make stick up for myself or is it not worth the hassle. She cant be perfect. If she is I am just even more messed up and all this is my fault. Why cant I think of things she has done wrong?
Why do you accept the blame for everything? Just because your wife says it does not make it true. Something I would bring up with your therapist. You are so focused on what you did wrong that you cannot see what is happening around you. She is not perfect, no one is. She sounds like a controlling bi1ch to me.

IMO, ask yourself if this is the person you want to be with in another 5 or 10 years? Odds are that her basic personality will not change. I think you would save yourself a lot of time and grief if you let her go to her mothers, for good (read as - divorce her). Marriage counseling is only for couples that both parties want their marriage to work.

Work on yourself and make changes for the better. There are a lot of women in the world, plenty that will treat you better than your wife.
 

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When angry I say things I don't mean, she cannot forgive or forget things those things and will come up as issues in fights months down the line. I actually have been going to therapy as well to help my anger but I think it has just helped me to deal with her and hasn't fixed any of our problems
Are you 100% in control now, never lose your temper, never say things in anger? You don't have to be perfect, but you just can't allow yourself to rage in anger if you want to ever have a successful marriage.
 
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