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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't normally do this, but I've been struggling and am looking for advice. So... here goes.

Um, ok, 22, got married 6 months ago. Dated her for over a year before we married. We're the same age. Still basically newlyweds, but this is getting rough. I married her because she was different, she was unique and I thought very special. I took some time, thought about it a lot and sought counsel, then went for it. After that... it's spiraled down hill.

One thing... as a guy I of course, um, like good looks. She wasn't necessairly a prom queen, but I figured it didn't matter. Well, she has totally stopped taking care of herself except for the occassional nice dinner date, and just wears baggy sweats all day. I might add we own a home based business, and it's kind of embarassing when I try to dress nice and wear a company shirt, and she's in my shirt and some old sweats.

So... nothing huge, but it does bug me. And she's also put on 20 lb. I put on a few once we got married, but it bugged me and I've started jogging and am burning it down to an acceptable level now. She won't. She just can't get any motivation to start losing it. She might go work out for a morning, then wait 2 weeks to try it again. So is gaining weight and is quite upset about it.... but won't change it.

She's very emotional and spends most days upset. I never saw her like this when we were dating, but she's very moody and is obvious to more than just me. Friends and family see it, she can be quite rude to them... and it hurts. I don't like seeing that. And I want support.... emotional support. When I am down I want help back up... not brought down more. And that's what always happens.

Basically... I could go on and on, but I am disappointed. This is not what I wanted. I don't feel like she's meeting me financially, emotionally, physically.... etc. I try to be the perfect gentleman to her at all times, have never struck her, am rarely angry with her, always polite to her, help her cook and clean, get her little gifts (and big ones, we actually are doing good financially)... and try as hard as possible to be a good husband to her. But I feel that we're just not getting anywhere. Maybe I have problems with myself I have not seen yet, I dunno. But it's been wearing on me and just breaking me down, and never in my life have I been so hurt so deeply.

Never felt this way in my life. This is NOT what I thought I was getting, she's a totally different person and one side of my is still desperately holding on to that person, and the other side just wants to run. I planned on marriage being a lifetime commitment, but now I don't know. Does anyone have any advice for a broken-hearted newlywed?
 

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Have you talked to her about it? Something might be seriously wrong for such a huge change in such a short time..

regarding the working out thing.. perhaps you could arrange it so the two of you do it together, give her some company and encouragement.. a lot of people have trouble getting motivated to excercise. Maybe start with taking hr out for a long long walk together hand in hand, like you were dating, excercise without being obvious.

If you are doing well financially, and coming up to an anniversary, perhaps a special holiday, that you could both get excited planning for... which would mean new clothes.. swimsuits... you get the idea...


regarding your clothes being worn... you know somewomen find it a comfort to wear hubby's teeshirt or whatever, makes them feel closer.. go buy her a smart leisure suit as a pressie..

if you are the bright confident sort, and she is moe reserved, she may be feeling she can't keep up with you..
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Have you talked to her about it? Something might be seriously wrong for such a huge change in such a short time..

regarding the working out thing.. perhaps you could arrange it so the two of you do it together, give her some company and encouragement.. a lot of people have trouble getting motivated to excercise. Maybe start with taking hr out for a long long walk together hand in hand, like you were dating, excercise without being obvious.

If you are doing well financially, and coming up to an anniversary, perhaps a special holiday, that you could both get excited planning for... which would mean new clothes.. swimsuits... you get the idea...


regarding your clothes being worn... you know somewomen find it a comfort to wear hubby's teeshirt or whatever, makes them feel closer.. go buy her a smart leisure suit as a pressie..

if you are the bright confident sort, and she is moe reserved, she may be feeling she can't keep up with you..


I don't know about the confident sort... but I guess in a way. I am a very self-motivated person. I put my mind on something, and I get it done. She has told me many times she can't keep up.... but not until after we were married. I don't want to slow down either, as I don't want to change my personality and who I am.... atleast a 180 change. And she has never asked for it, she just doesn't keep up. Always figured when we were dating I'd be the one dragging behind...


Talking... oh boy.... the scary thing. One of our biggest problems is what many people struggle with. Communication. We both tend to bottle our feelings up inside... so that doesn't help. I am trying to work on it though, as I realize I really need to, but when we talk, it ALWAYS ends with her getting hurt and running to bed. I have tried to be as tactful, soft and gentle as I can... but every talk turns into hurt and I honestly am tired of trying. I have to watch every P and Q or else she's hurt, so I am always walking on glass around her. Doesn't matter how softly I approach her... it goes downhill fast. Then of course 2 hours later the apologies, "I love you's"... and we move on and not talk about it for the rest of the day. I'm tired of these little bandages, they're not fixing anything.

So there's another hurt... seems I am trying to fix our marriage, where she doesn't recognize there's anything wrong with. :( :( :(

6 months together. We have left each other 3 times over small arguements (just for the day or so), and have had maybe 4-5 days in that entire span where we had a "good day" where no one got hurt or we didn't have an arguement. Pretty well every day she ends up in bed upset or not talking to me, and I go to work upset or saddened. :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I talked about some things I didn't like about her, so I guess it's fair to share some of my downfalls.

* workaholic

* stressed individual

* forgetful

* a bit too physical for her

* a "wandering eye" (I hate myself for this one)
 

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You might want to go see a marriage counselor. Sometimes all that's needed is a little help from someone that is neutral and not involved in the relationship.

I think you should address the issues and not bottle them up. As a couple you have to work together to solve these issues. Ignoring or withdrawing from the situation or person may not be the best answer in this case. If your marriage is to survive the two of you are going to have to learn to talk about the difficult things. You don't have to agree, you don't have to resolve it necessarily, but you have to get to a point to where you are both comfortable living with the issue. I'd say talk to her about it. If you aren't getting anywhere and it's causing immense amounts of stress in your relationship then I'd seek out a counselor.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
You might want to go see a marriage counselor. Sometimes all that's needed is a little help from someone that is neutral and not involved in the relationship.

I think you should address the issues and not bottle them up. As a couple you have to work together to solve these issues. Ignoring or withdrawing from the situation or person may not be the best answer in this case. If your marriage is to survive the two of you are going to have to learn to talk about the difficult things. You don't have to agree, you don't have to resolve it necessarily, but you have to get to a point to where you are both comfortable living with the issue. I'd say talk to her about it. If you aren't getting anywhere and it's causing immense amounts of stress in your relationship then I'd seek out a counselor.

Good luck.
Attempted the talking thing today. She drove off for hours....

Now I'm about to do the same. She refuses to see a counseler.

I never thought I'd ever consider a divorce, but I feel we're both killing each other. Started off wrong with our style of dating (rarely saw each other), so I don't think we really got to know each other until a month into our marriage.

:( :( :(
 

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Attempted the talking thing today. She drove off for hours....

Now I'm about to do the same. She refuses to see a counseler.

I never thought I'd ever consider a divorce, but I feel we're both killing each other. Started off wrong with our style of dating (rarely saw each other), so I don't think we really got to know each other until a month into our marriage.

:( :( :(
I'm sorry to hear that she isn't willing to see a counselor. Is she religious? If so, may be she would be up to seeking pastoral counseling.

It definitely sounds like the two of you need a neutral third party to help you out. I'd say sooner rather than later. One thing's for certain, the two of you have to find a way to communicate. Otherwise, it definitely might drive you to divorce.

I'm so sorry, you'll be in my thoughts. Keep us posted.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Update for tonight.... after our fight she downed enough alcohol for almost 4 people to get themselves drunk silly... and ended up in the hospital wanting to die.

**** I hate life...
 

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Sorry to hear your wife tried to kill her self with drinking.

First of all, She needs help, especially for trying that stuff. I think she may have depression.

Here are my points:

1. the swears and shirts, really not a big deal, my wife wants to be in "relaxing" clothes while home, your problem you work at home, maybe she should get an outside job with a company?

2. Siounds like she has depression and you are an over achiever, IE workaholic.

3. Will only get worse, especially if you have children. So don't unless you both can find a happier place.

4. If you guys are leaving each other already you will be surely doomed sooner then later, I been married 11 years, never left once, neither has my wife. Yes we do have arguments but the bigger picture is we are a family.

5. Counseling, you NEED it, SHE needs it, you both should seek it either together or seperate.

6. have her family help you convince her to seek it, no one wants to, because it means failure, but it's better then the alternative.


Tell her you love her and you want this to work out, that you BOTH will go to counseling and try to repair this marriage.

If you can't then divorce will happen sooner then later, which is a bummer.

On a side note, we all find out things about our spouses after we get married, that is a given. Like my wife is a "gamer" A slob with dishes, clothes. A book collector, ever hard cover book in the world she has purchased and is in our house. She does not clean until in it is absolutely necessary. She does not call her family at all, she is anti social, hates to be in social situations...I can go on....But on the flip side I can list thousands of reeasons why she is awesome and I love her to death.....We learned to compromise with what we have and do. Marriage is not easy, it needs work.

no one marries whom they thought they were marrying, but the question is can they tolerate, accept and adjust to the person they did and love them for who they are and accept they will not change.

Best of luck and I hope your wife comes home OK, they WILL make her see a Psychatris in the Hospitol, I believe that is standard for anyone that tries to kill themselves.

She needs help, get her through this then figure out which is best for you both, and bring her family into it and tell them you want her to be ok and you only ahve her interest at heart, but it is what it is.

Best of luck Rainy
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Well......... looks like I have a long road ahead of me. Never thought a marriage would be like this. She is home, and she is safe, but there's a lot of damage to heal from.
 

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It will take a long time to work through all this, but perhaps this spell in hospital will be a wake up call. Talk to her, encourage her, tell her all your fears, and try to work it out.

Get professional help. I am surprised the hospital didn't suggest it themselves when she was brought in.
 

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This is serious and she needs to seek help. I agree and feel she is depressed. Since your dating habits were a little odd and you didn’t see that much of her this is probably not a new behavior pattern. She may have been hoping getting married would fix all of her ills and now that it hasn’t she is sinking. She needs medical, emotional and spiritual support. Move on this quickly or I’m afraid things will continue to spiral down for you both. Give it your all to help her to become a whole and happy person again. Good luck
 
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