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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
What are the chances that my wife actually had an affair with another man?

I received a call from the wife of another man, and she proceeded to tell me that her husband and my spouse were having an affair. She did not give me details, but said that they had met on more than one occasion.

What strikes me as odd is that a week or two before I received THE call my wife called to tell me that an employee from our local internet company came by the house "to check the lines" (I do know that some line upgrades were going on around the same time). It turns out that that employee was the "Other person", and that she called me because our nephew had come by while he was there. I did not piece this together until later.

My problem is that she swore on the lives of our children that she did not cheat on me. This was about two years ago, but I am still having trouble letting it go.

I admit that I just "Swept it under the rug" to try and make things work, but it seems everyday I die a little more inside. I am living my life as if she was telling the truth and did not have an affair. I know I am being niave, but I do not know how else to cope.

I came from a broken home and wish more than anything that my kids never have to go through what I did.

I tell my wife (still to this day) that I love her more than life itself, but I cannot seem to find the courage to tell her that I am dying inside. I do love my wife more than life itself. That is not a false statement.
 

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Why don't you get in touch with the woman who called you. Find out what you can from her if she's willing to talk.

Tell your wife that you tried to put that episode behind you because you love her and didn't want to create a bigger problem. But you haven't been able to resolve it in your mind.

Tell her she has to admit things looked suspicious and if the shoe were on the other foot, she would be suspicious too. Therefore you want her to submit to a polygraph exam. If she refuses, you will consider separation or divorce.
 

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First off - rid yourself of the notion that you love your wife more than life itself. Not when she cheats. Not when she swears on the lives of her children while cheating. She's not just cheating and lying to you. She is cheating and lying to her own children. This type of person is not worth loving more than life itself.

You're better than that.
 

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What are the chances that my wife actually had an affair with another man?
It is estimated by those who conduct informed speculation that roughly 50% of wives will do so at some point, so that's the starting point.

I received a call from the wife of another man, and she proceeded to tell me that her husband and my spouse were having an affair. She did not give me details, but said that they had met on more than one occasion.
I got several of these calls a few years back on our publicly listed land line from a woman claiming my wife was having an affair with her husband. The phone is listed in my wife's maiden name (which most common female name/surname combination in the Spanish speaking Western Hemisphere) which she only uses for that number and it turned out to be a case of mistaken identity. Unless your wife has that same name, I'd say your odds went up to 80%.


What strikes me as odd is that a week or two before I received THE call my wife called to tell me that an employee from our local internet company came by the house "to check the lines" (I do know that some line upgrades were going on around the same time). It turns out that that employee was the "Other person", and that she called me because our nephew had come by while he was there. I did not piece this together until later.
You are now at 95%.


My problem is that she swore on the lives of our children that she did not cheat on me.
You are now at 100%. Anytime a woman "swears on the life of her children" about anything, she's actually saying, "I confess to committing adultery. Lots." Nothing says adultery like swearing on the lives of the children. I'm dead serious; that's the only time a woman ever says that. The other thing it means is DNA tests all around.

And here's the real kicker, "the experts" say that 80% of affairs go undetected. Since your wife never gave off any tells and there were no behavioral changes, what do you think are the chances that you beat the odds and caught her on her first excursion. I would say 00%.

Odds she's a serial cheater based on the above, 75%.

This was about two years ago, but I am still having trouble letting it go.

I admit that I just "Swept it under the rug" to try and make things work, but it seems everyday I die a little more inside. I am living my life as if she was telling the truth and did not have an affair. I know I am being niave, but I do not know how else to cope.

I came from a broken home and wish more than anything that my kids never have to go through what I did.

I tell my wife (still to this day) that I love her more than life itself, but I cannot seem to find the courage to tell her that I am dying inside. I do love my wife more than life itself. That is not a false statement.
If you want to stay with her, you need to figure some things out first about your relationship.

1. How's your sex life? How was it at the time of the known affair? How has it changed since then?

2. Is she a SAHM (Stray at Home Mom) or does she work/travel since you've been married?

3. What kind of monitoring have you put into place?

4. How often do other women hit on you? Does your wife ever see it?
 

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Yes she cheated.

You are going to have to get her to admit it so you can work through it. Otherwise you will continue to die on the inside, and she may do it again.

Remember the woman that you love more than life itself is currently lying to you. Every time you ask her about it and she denies it, she is lying to you again. Tell her you have a polygraph scheduled for this Thursday. I bet she starts sharing things real quickly. Or she will get damn defensive. Either way, you get your answer.

Get it out of her and then you two get to work. Also you are going to die a lot more on the inside. Welcome to TAM from fellow "dying from the inside out" member.

Sorry for the situation you are facing.
 

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I'm new and going through an issue myself. What raised your awareness to make the issue become this serious 2 years later? Not trying to be insulting, but in my case something happened that was basically Deja vu and I investigated and found an EA.
 

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This was about two years ago, but I am still having trouble letting it go.
unless she is still cheating the STD test may be a moot point.

When your nephew found them it might have scared your wife straight.

But you need to tell her about the call.

You do need a serious talk with her...
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Machiavelli,
The answers to your question are below:
1. The sex life has fallen off, but a lot of that is from me pulling away.
2. She has actually spent the better part of the last three years working part time. There are a lot of times that she could "Sneak" around.
3. Unfortunately, I do not have any monitoring in place. I would not know where to start.
4. I am not sure how often I get hit on. My wife says that women are flirting with me any time I have a conversation with the opposite sex. I am not a flirter but at times I can be oblivious to others flirting with me. I am a work-out nut, and must work out at home because my wife didnt like other women looking at me when we were at the gym.

As for the STD I am clear. I had blood work done recently for work/travel.

The kids are mine. I think anybody that sees my kids can agree that they are the spitting image of me.

The reason that it is coming up two years later is because when she "cheated/not cheated" last time she was working a job where she worked in the evenings. Then she changed to a job where she was working mid-day and now she is working evenings again. This has caused a flood of emotions/insecurities to come back.

My wife knows of the phone conversation that I had with the other parties wife, but she was quick to intervene and keep us from being able to talk. Now I have no way to get a hold of her.

The strange thing is that she was the person being shady, but I do not know how many times I have seen her going through my phone, and acting as if I am up to something.
 

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Wow.
As I understand it a lot of people misbehaving get suspicious that others around them are misbehaving. It is odd that she is defensive about being flirted with and checking your phone.

I think she may still be up to something unless.....

Here goes: Have you been faithful to her during your entire relationship?
 

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Then I'd be suspicious.

What do you think you are going to do?
I can help you with stealth phone / computer monitoring if you choose to go that route. It is pretty simple.

I would still tell her you have a poly scheduled and see what her reaction is.
 
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