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On the advice of my BTAMFF, I'm observing my husband's behavior in the next few weeks as I contemplate whether I'm going to move out and leave him for the third and last time, or not.
Thought I'd journal my observations here. Feel free to comment or relate.
Things are good when...
He is happy when it seems like he's "off the hook":
I have a lot to say--good or bad--about things he can discuss safely, agrees with me on, and/or that he doesn't feel responsible for. Things like my teaching job, which is at the school wehre he does IT work so he feels confident and knowledgeable about it. I can prattle on, vent or complain; since he doesn't think it reflects on him, and HE doesn't have to DO anything about it, he is Mr. All-Ears.
He's happy when I'm confident and even demanding or b***y about things he feels he can successfully provide for me. When I sit like a queen on the couch and demand cookies and tea or a foot-rub, he is HAPPY TO OBLIGE.
Things are bad when...
I want to connect with him on a deeper level about more serious, abstract, spiritual things. He reacts, jokes, gets irreverent, becomes a know-it-all, shuts it down.
I request a wide berth and explain that's why I'm a little whiney, needy or flakey if I'm tired, stressed, sick, hormonal or have had a long day. On more than one occasion, he hasn't supported me at important moments.
The SECOND he senses any emotional need or weakness in me, he goes on the offense.
Another key observation:
MY emotional tone sets his emotional tone--always when it's negative or neutral.
And sometimes, when it's good.
Bottom line: if the tape rolling in his head hears something I say and tells him it's HIS fault and HIS responsibility, things go south.
As for me, i'm working through the codependency issues that have kept me enmeshed and obsessed.
Thought I'd journal my observations here. Feel free to comment or relate.
Things are good when...
He is happy when it seems like he's "off the hook":
I have a lot to say--good or bad--about things he can discuss safely, agrees with me on, and/or that he doesn't feel responsible for. Things like my teaching job, which is at the school wehre he does IT work so he feels confident and knowledgeable about it. I can prattle on, vent or complain; since he doesn't think it reflects on him, and HE doesn't have to DO anything about it, he is Mr. All-Ears.
He's happy when I'm confident and even demanding or b***y about things he feels he can successfully provide for me. When I sit like a queen on the couch and demand cookies and tea or a foot-rub, he is HAPPY TO OBLIGE.
Things are bad when...
I want to connect with him on a deeper level about more serious, abstract, spiritual things. He reacts, jokes, gets irreverent, becomes a know-it-all, shuts it down.
I request a wide berth and explain that's why I'm a little whiney, needy or flakey if I'm tired, stressed, sick, hormonal or have had a long day. On more than one occasion, he hasn't supported me at important moments.
The SECOND he senses any emotional need or weakness in me, he goes on the offense.
Another key observation:
MY emotional tone sets his emotional tone--always when it's negative or neutral.
And sometimes, when it's good.
Bottom line: if the tape rolling in his head hears something I say and tells him it's HIS fault and HIS responsibility, things go south.
As for me, i'm working through the codependency issues that have kept me enmeshed and obsessed.