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I know there can be physical causes for lack of sexual desire. I, for one, was recently diagnosed with low t in my late forties and a once monthly shot has made a big difference in how much I desire sex. But the time spent together with my wife in bed has changed little.

But I was wondering if one's size can cause the lack of sexual desire. I had always been attracted to larger woman. Can being big though cause a woman not have any desire in sex? My first wife was about 5'3" and 185 lbs. and it was about after a year or 2 of marriage she lost interest in sex but that may also of been due to having health issues and a severe physical disability. We divorced after 5 years, not due to a sexless marriage but rather due to irreconcilable differences, her being depressed and increasing challenges due to her progressive severe physical disability though we remained on friendly terms until she passed away 10 years later.

My current wife and I met about a year after my divorce and were married about a year later. She was even somewhat larger than my ex when we met being 5'0" and 240 pounds. I found her to be very attractive and unlike my ex, kind and loving. She has always been very healthy even with her weight and size. We had fantastic sex for the first 2 years or so and then she lost interest when our 2 children were infants and toddlers, she had some renewed interest for a year or two as they got older but it didn't last long.

Over the years we have had our ups and downs as in any marriage, we've worked through problems and have always been the best of friends and faithful to each other. Though over the last 5 years she has shown little interest in doing anything at night in bed. We have had sex maybe once a month or less in the last 5 years.

Especially in the last 3 years she has gotten huge, at her highest documented weight she was 303 pounds at only 5'0" tall in April of this year. Her dr. put her on diet pills and she has lost about 15 pounds since. Despite her size, I still love her and find her as attractive as the day we met. She is in her late thirties but looks about 10 years younger than she is. I have always treated her with the upmost respect that all women deserve and have never said anything hurtful or demeaning regarding her weight or size. She has always been a great mother and wife (outside the bedroom) but has little to no interest in intimacy at night. The times in which we have engaged in sex it seemed as though it was a very uplifting and very pleasurable experience for her to the point she wanted it to go on the rest of night. The problem is getting her to this point of arousal. Over 90% of the time she will reject any advances that I make, I find that to be very depressing at times. But in every other way we have a very good marriage unlike so many other couples I've known and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

My wife outwardly appears to be very self confident, has high self esteem, and easily makes friends. When she is around others she seems to accepting and not ashamed of her weight and size. Other than finding clothes that fit, getting seatbelt extenders when we fly somewhere on vacation, and not being able to walk fast her life doesn't seem to of been adversily affected because of her weight. In the beiginning we could practically have sex anythere and at any time that would of been appropriate. Especially in the last 5 years, she seems to not like undressing or getting naked in front of me and when we had made love it has to be in the dark or under the sheets like she doesn't want to be seen.

Can being 150-175 pounds overweight alone cause a woman to lose alot of interest or desire to have sex?

Can obesity cause hormonal imbalances in woman, if so how can that be checked and treated?

What are things I can do to increase her arousal and make the experience more comfortable and pleasurable for her?

From all the latest reality tv shows on obesity there are apparently many other couples who are going through similar experiences of a spouse living with morbid obesity. I would like to hear from others in a similar situation.
 

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Depends on why she is obese.

I find it odd that after the doc out her on diet pills, a 300 pound woman can only manage 15 pounds in 4 months. For a woman that size, that's nothing! Is she actually taking them?

Her size greatly affects her health and when her health is affected her libido will be affected. You'd be silly to discount her excessive weight as a probably cause, among the several likely.

You say you're attracted to heavy women. Are you a feeder? Are you encouraging her to gain weight? Is she truly content with her size or does she wish to be more able to climb a flight of steps without needing a rest? Or chase the kids? What about your children? Are they fat too? Is this the life style you want for them? Are the getting picked on and called names and if so, how is that affecting your wife?

You say she is a confident woman, and she may well be. But I have serious doubts that each time a woman her size looks in the mirror she feels beautiful. Does she regularly fix up her hair, style it and make it look nice? Does she out together sexy outfits and nice attire or is she wearing stretch knit elastic waste pants with big loose blouses that cover her entire torso? If she isn't dressing up, and isn't putting effort into her appearance, that's a huge signs she isn't liking what she sees in the mirror and that also plays a huge role in sex drive.

Lastly, you mention you are on T shots. How long were you suffering from low T before you were tested and treated? I'm wondering if, during that time of low T, your lack of sex drive sent a message to her reinforcing her negative thoughts about herself? Just something you might want to think about.

What does your wife say with regard to her lack of libidos? Is she nearing perimenopause?
 
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I have a couple of friends with larger spouses and sex is the least of their concerns. There are health implications far worse than not having sexual at that weight.

Having said that, lack of self confidence may be a big issue here.
To say the least! Congestive heart failure, diabetes, edema, arthritis... And even some cancers. Who would be okay with this?

You're right John, lack of sex is the least of the issues.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thanks for your reply.

Her obesity may be partially genetic since her mother is also large and it may be in part due to lifestyle. She also has aunts, uncles, and cousins who are big. Her family don't seem to suffer from weight related health problems and a her grandparents lived into their seventies and eighties. She doesn't walk as much as she should and while she eats about 1/3 the amount I do (I'm 5'9", 200 lbs), she does consume a fair amount of fast food and processed food. We are trying to make better lifestyle choices together as a family especially as the weather cools down this fall.

She takes adipex, the diet med prescribed by her dr. and does so religously every morning as I see her take it. She has lost more inches than she has pounds so far. The reason for not losing more is due to her not implenting lifestyle changes as well. She has tried other diet meds and supplements over the years only to gain the weight back and then some.

Our children are normal size and they aren't being made fun of or
picked on because of her size. We also make sure they remain physically active and fit.

She has always been good about her appearance and about how she looks but she has never had an interest in using make-up, lipstick, pedicures, or other girlie things. She looks beautiful without having to use any help. She has never been interested in sexy outfits or anything that shows cleavage though that would be nice. She has always dressed modestly since she grew up around family with conservative values. Though it has been many years since she wore a bathing suit when we go to public pools or beaches.

I was diagnosed with low t about 3 months ago after I mentioned symptoms to our dr., he did a blood test that showed I had low t. I probably had it for some time. I am and have been battling cancer for 3 years and currently taking IV chemo for the 2nd time. That may of contributed to my low t. However I never lost total desire for sex or my attraction to her. Before the shots I may had been interested 3-4 times a month and whereas now it is 3-4 times a week.

She doesn't appear to be close to menopause. Though it may be wise to have her hormone levels checked on the next visit to her doctor. She does have some thyroid issues and goiter which may contribute to her weight. She is planning to have her thyroid surgically removed early next year.
 

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I was talking about this today. It seems to me that the 3 friends I have in this situation are all enablers / feeders who basically are waiting for the ambulance or hearse to end their marriage...

One of the three is the mom of my younger daughter's friend. Dad does all the cooking and the food, while exquisite, is just too heavy. We often send our ethnic - and light & healthy -dishes to them and they send back stuff that has the Paula Dean seal of approval...
 

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Anon, it isn't as uncommon as you may htink to only lose those few pounds in that amount of time. I've been there. And still struggling, even 10 years after having weight loss surgery because I had exhausted all the other options available.

Arman, yes, some larger/overweight/obese women do feel that way regarding sex... but not all of us do. Unless/until there is another cause found, and without hearing from your wife, I would guess that is likely her problem.
 

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But I was wondering if one's size can cause the lack of sexual desire. I had always been attracted to larger woman. Can being big though cause a woman not have any desire in sex?
Absolutely. This is also true for men as well. As you get fatter, your estrogen levels rise, while your testosterone levels drop. Lower testosterone means more fat is retained. As more fat is retained, estrogen levels rise, while your testosterone levels drop. Lower testosterone means more fat is retained. As more fat is retained....it's a feedback loop. And, since Testosterone is the hormone that makes you horny, you can see the problem. This is why fat guys start looking and acting more feminine.

My first wife was about 5'3" and 185 lbs. and it was about after a year or 2 of marriage she lost interest in sex but that may also of been due to having health issues and a severe physical disability.

That's pretty fat, but believe it or not, not big enough to cause desire issues.

Especially in the last 3 years she has gotten huge, at her highest documented weight she was 303 pounds at only 5'0" tall in April of this year.
That's well over the problem size.

she doesn't want to be seen.
Of course. A lot of obese people don't really realize how big they are (I didn't until I saw a photo). She now realizes and is embarrassed and that's the proof.

Can being 150-175 pounds overweight alone cause a woman to lose alot of interest or desire to have sex?
75# will do the job. Less in some, more in others.

Can obesity cause hormonal imbalances in woman, if so how can that be checked and treated?
Yes. Have them do all her hormones including a T panel.

What are things I can do to increase her arousal and make the experience more comfortable and pleasurable for her?
Take over the cooking.

Her obesity may be partially genetic since her mother is also large and it may be in part due to lifestyle. She also has aunts, uncles, and cousins who are big.
It's only genetic in the sense that they tolerate grain and/or sugar (the same thing really) even less than the population at large. Both of those are super addicting and humans didn't really have refined sugar until around the time of Henry VIII and they didn't eat grain until about 10K years ago. Grain allowed permanent settlement and civilization, but it is hell on the human body.

Her family don't seem to suffer from weight related health problems and a her grandparents lived into their seventies and eighties. She doesn't walk as much as she should and while she eats about 1/3 the amount I do (I'm 5'9", 200 lbs), she does consume a fair amount of fast food and processed food. We are trying to make better lifestyle choices together as a family especially as the weather cools down this fall.
The best thing I can tell you is to pick up this book: Why We Get Fat and What to do About it.

She takes adipex, the diet med prescribed by her dr. and does so religously every morning as I see her take it. She has lost more inches than she has pounds so far. The reason for not losing more is due to her not implenting lifestyle changes as well. She has tried other diet meds and supplements over the years only to gain the weight back and then some.
Pounds don't matter, but inches do. Inches lost means fat lost instead of lean body mass, which you want to maximize by weight training. Dig?

Our children are normal size and they aren't being made fun of or
picked on because of her size. We also make sure they remain physically active and fit.

I was diagnosed with low t about 3 months ago after I mentioned symptoms to our dr., he did a blood test that showed I had low t. ...now it is 3-4 times a week.
And this is also most likely your wife's problem, just via a different mechanism (obesity).

She doesn't appear to be close to menopause. Though it may be wise to have her hormone levels checked on the next visit to her doctor. She does have some thyroid issues and goiter which may contribute to her weight. She is planning to have her thyroid surgically removed early next year.
Yes, a lack of thyroid hormone will contribute to fat gain and interfere with attempts to add lean mass (muscle). She will have to take thyroid hormone after her surgery and that may help with the weight loss. But the main problem she has is that she is eating downright bad food that keeps her glucose and insulin levels high. Type II looms.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thank you for the advice. We will definitely have those issues checked out at her next dr appt. I will also check out the book you mentioned.
 

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If she doesn't feel sexy, she won't want to have sex. If she has been overweight her whole life, and just has a winning personality, sex was never really something she had to do as a woman to win a man over. I know girls who are so funny and witty that men just like them because they are the life of the party. Since they didn't have to open their legs to win a man over, sex was never relevant beyond doing it because they enjoy it. Once they do not enjoy it, they don't have sex just to keep a man happy. They do not even understand that mindset. I don't think it's about size, more of a personality type. There are women of all sizes that win men over based on everything but sex.

I also know the exact opposite. Women that give the best oral and base their whole existence on being great in bed, because they have low self esteems and base their self worth on taking care of their men physically. A lot of times, the low self esteem is based off looks, weight, or how they were treated as children.

This topic is a bit hard, because to answer you have to stereotype large women. No one group of women are the same and each situation is unique in it's own right.

If you don't feel sexy, you don't think about sex. There are a few more very rude takes on this mentality. For instance, if you let yourself balloon up to 300 pounds, you cared more about food and satisfying your own needs, than being sexy for someone else. Working out, staying in shape, and eating healthy is hard to do. To ignore your body and get large is easy, and also says a little about the persons personality. The same goes for marriage. Staying sexual, fulfilling your partners needs, having sex (intimacy) daily, is hard to do, although it would keep your marriage healthy. It's extremely easy to have a bad marriage and ignore other's needs. See the pattern?
 

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I'm sorry, but 15 lbs in 16 weeks for some one that is 300 lbs is just not making sense. She has to eat ALOT of food to maintain that body size. Just cutting out 500 calories a day (which is nothing) would lead to about 15 lbs in 4 months.

You guys should log your food intake into something like myfitnesspal. I bet you will be shocked at the total caloric load she is intaking - if she is honest with putting EVERYTHING in the app.

Then, you find a lifestyle diet that she can accept. Enabling her to be that heavy is just a way to kill her faster. If she were doing cocaine every day, would you enable that. I mean, would you drive to her dealer and pick it up for her. If you wouldn't do that, why are you not doing more to help her with this addiction?
 

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Get into the gym and move! No excuses. I've seen many women simply take control and do amazing things by changing their view and realizing that the only person that can fix you is YOU!
Everything from "I've got a thyroid problem" to "I'm depressed" to "I've got bad genes" run the gamut. Very soon it would be your fault that she's overweight, depressed, doesn't want sex, and doesn't feel good about herself. Then you'll find yourself apologizing for nothing.....or something thats in her domain.

Stop making excuses for her and tell her to stop making excuses for herself. Yes she'll cry that you're being insensitive but guess what, life is about making choices and the older we get the harder the choices.
I hate to be harsh but it's what it is.
 

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Get on a bicycle... I'm waiting to hit the trail at 7 pm once it cools down a bit... 10-20 miles a day will do wonders for your brain, not to mention your body.
 

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The problem as I see it is that obesity isn't a healthy lifestyle or respectful marriage choice.

There's no getting around it.
 

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What does she do all day?
If she's watching tv or on the internet all day, you might want to encourage her to spend less time on these activities. While it may be a distraction from the real world it's only going to hurt her.

You say she eats less than you but, females metabolism works different. Plus, I can bet you she eats more than you think or see.
While I get genetics play a part, I don't think that you can blame 150-175 pounds on genetics.

This is a very sensitive topic, so the best you can do is adopt a healthy lifestyle and encourage her to join you. Most of the time overweight parents pass on their habits to their children. If you have children look out for their health.
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Not being a woman, I have to caviat my opinion. I am certain there is some correlation . But it's not being fat that shuts someone down sexually. It's likely the depression that ensues when one loses control of their physical being . For most women it starts upstairs. If she's overweight but isn't upset about it, sex will likely continue. The moment depression or insecurity sinks in ( regardless of cause), forget it.
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Arman,

I have not read all the other replies, but as a woman who was once morbidly obese (over the last few years I've lost over 100 pounds) maybe I can give you some insight.

I know that being that overweight can and does cause hormonal issues, so that could definitely be a part of it.

When someone is that overweight, generally they have a lower energy level overall, so this can also be a problem.

Being so overweight often affects your self-esteem. No matter how much my husband wanted me, I didn't believe it. So, she may have confidence issues. She probably feels embarrassed about her body and that causes her to withdraw from you sexually.

I would suggest you give her affection and tell her she looks pretty or sexy, but not expect always expect or suggest having sex. Maybe just sit and cuddle with her and this could help her open up and her realize you love her for her.

Also, her weight is very high for her height, so I would help her with losing weight by doing whatever you need to do. Help cook healthier dinners, don't buy junk food at the store. Offer to walk with her daily. These can make a huge difference in how she feels. Being healthy is really important, and I think that the reason so many people have sexual issues is because of their poor health.

I have always had a high sex drive for a woman, but I found as I lost a lot of weight I wanted it even more. Oddly enough, my husband is the opposite. I always thought he'd want me more than he did if I lost weight, but he doesn't. I am still glad I lost weight, and even though I have to fight daily to keep it off (it comes back so quickly) I feel so much better than I did before.
 

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Re: Obesity and LD in woman.

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BostonBruins32 and alonetogether8 are absolutely dead on. As a woman who has had this problem I completely agree with both their comments. My weight got out of control for about 3 years. 245 and 5' 6" at my highest weight - basically I was working 90-100 hr weeks and never had time to take care of myself - ate everything I knew I shouldn't at all hours of the night just to stay awake and keep working, so I just wanted to address some of the comments that suggest your wife is lazy to have gotten so big - If she gains weight easily (genetically speaking) then no matter how outgoing or productive she is, she will almost certainly struggle with her weight, and if she puts her family/friends/job/hobbies before taking care of herself she will struggle all the more (just like I did)

Anyway... When there was time for sex I NEVER initiated and always turned my partner down even though he is a loving, wonderful, highly sexualized person.
I just could not believe that anyone could find me attractive - I was outwardly happy and confident and had friends and a full life but no amount of flirting or affection from my partner could convince me I was worth anything.
It was absolutely the fact that I was depressed and not at all in touch with my body as BostonBruins said. It also had a lot to do with the fact that no position was comfortable for more than 5 minutes and any amount of satisfying sex was a HUGE energy expenditure for me.
We would be in the middle of mind-blowing sex and all of a sudden I would think "No, he's just putting on a show - he's not really turned on by me" and all of a sudden that would be it for me, I'd be ready to throw in the towel.

Now that I've been able to begin taking care of myself again, I've lost A LOT of weight and now have an AMAZING sex life. After I lost about 25 lbs I started to want intimacy again. While we were going thru the dry spell though, two things that helped were 1) spa days: even if it was just giving myself a facial treatment and doing my nails, and 2) lots and lots and lots of foreplay/warm up time - sometimes even like and hour or two of just touching and cuddling before hand (I know it seems like a lot of work and time, but it really really helped me get out of my own head)
I guess in retrospect, I really needed to feel like I had invested in my physical appearance even if it was in some miniscule way, and I needed to feel like there was closeness and intimacy ahead of time in order to switch off all my self criticizing negativity.

Hope that helps
 
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