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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My wife has had a crush on a surgeon she works with, I found out in August of 2011 when I found an email she sent him while on maternity leave stating that she missed working with him. He responded by stating "there isn't a day that passes where I don't think of you in the operating room" (he's a surgeon, she's a nurse).

August of this year I found a text on my wife's phone from a female colleague asking her to pop in his office on a Saturday morning. Thing is, it was the male surgeon's phone number under her colleague's name.

I told my wife flat about it, asked her and she lied. She lied repeatedly. I told her that I was going to install spyware on her phone because she put a password on it (I figured out what it was). She was okay with it, didn't seem to care.

In early September she received a job promotion and wanted to see the surgeon in person supposedly to ask for a refernece. She sent him a couple of SMS messages and he responded. He responded by simply saying 'come up to my office' and gave her the room number. During her lunch she went up, had 40 minutes at best. I did a call spy where I can listen to the surroundings.

What my wife said to this man was shocking! I am soooo hurt, not sure my marriage can be fixed at this point.

1. I found out my wife has told just about everyone at work about her unhappy marriage.

2. I found out that the surgeon did respond to an email she sent him while on maturnity leave stating that there isn't a day he walks into the Operating Room and doesn't think of her!

3. Here are some of the things my wife said to the doctor:

_____________________________________________________

Sometimes I feel like running away...


When I first saw you I had a feeling that...

I stopped texting you because you were so busy..I feel like I don't deserve your friendship..

I can't concentrate working around you...

I know my husband loves me a lot but I know I would be much happier without him..I really hope he finds someone

He really thinks there's nothing wrong with him...

To be honest, he was my first boyfriend so I guess I made the wrong choice...

I think you're awesome...

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The doctor was flirtatious during the encounter and basically left it open to have something go further with her.

On top of this I learned just how much she lied to me. When I asked her if she went to the doctor's offfice, she denied it vehemently. She also by the way had his number under 'another' colleague's name this time. Remember she changed it the first time I confronted her about him week's back.

She lied to me so much before I revealed the truth that I knew the truth about everything and had evidence via her phone. Instead of addressing an emotionally distraught husband which I was and am, she attacked me, threatened police, lawyers, etc.

It's been day-to-day with her since. I am currently off leave at work, told my boss that my marriage is in shambles and need time off. He understood and gave it to me.

I don't know what to do. I am working frantically around the house fixing things now, working out like crazy, trying to look my best. I am going to bed the same time as her and waking up with her even though my work hours are later. I try and be affectionate and she's not responding. She says she's tired. This has been her excuse for quite some time.

What do I do? Can I fix this?

Also, has the surgeon crossed the line? Has my wife? Can I contact the local medical association to ask what can be done? A doctor sending an email to a married employee nurse asking her to come in to discuss her personal life on a Saturday morning when no one's around isn't right. Well, good thing I saw the SMS and told my wife immediately or who knows what would have happened that morning. Neither was meeting with her, sending SMS' and the email about how he thinks about her daily last year.

What can I do about this? I am mad at my wife, but I feel I should atleast notify the local medical association about him.

I did speak to the surgeon, I called him. He said everything was above board and that they look into each other's eyes for 8 hours a day so he can tell something was wrong. So he offered to speak to her. That's his excuse. But again, his email from August 2011 and the SMS asking her to come in on a Saturday morning completely refutes this.

Anyone?
 

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I know my husband loves me a lot but I know I would be much happier without him..I really hope he finds someone

He really thinks there's nothing wrong with him...

To be honest, he was my first boyfriend so I guess I made the wrong choice...

I think you're awesome...

--------------------------------------------
The part of the text I highlighted shows that she's infatuated with this man and she has lost touch with reality.
She's deep into an emotional affair [ EA ] and is justifying her infidelity.

Right now you need to stop chasing her.
You are the betrayed husband,she is the wayward wife, so STOP blaming yourself.
The more you try to do things to please her,the worse she would become.
She needs to have absolutely no contact with this surgeon, and if he is married, inform his wife.
Expose him, and TELL EVERYONE.

You need to confront her too, and hold her accountable for her actions.
 

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I'm not sure how you can fix this or the legal implications of how you are spying, but a few things come to mind off the top of my head:
  1. Confront your wife, tell her you know what's going on and that she has some choices to make because you aren't going to put up with this bull$hit. I'm willing to bet this is a PA and has been since before your wife's maternity leave.
  2. They are both employees of a hospital, contact the Human Resources department and file a complaint. I'm willing to bet they won't do much because Doctors have been banging Nurses since they first built hospitals and this is common place for them (I hope I'm wrong)
  3. Retain a good lawyer, it sounds like you have an uphill battle.
 

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first i would have a dna done on your child,then i would blow this up by reporting it to the hospitals HR dept.
 

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Your wife is not in love with you she is in love with the OM. You can't nice your way back to her, you can't be weak, don't beg, don't plead.

She lost respect for you. Earn it back, be strong, give her consequences. You have to turn her fantasy life into reality. Plenty of posters here will give you great advice; don't be scared and spineless.... Listen and act!
 

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Exposure is the only tool you have here. She is already crossed the line with him. She has betrayed you by talking to him the way she has. She has clearly said she wants him and is his for the taking, and that you and the marriage are not important or a deterrent to her cheating with him.

You need to go talk to the HR at hospital. That won't end it, but it might get HR alerted that something is up.

Is the Dr.married? His wife maybe the very best one to talk to since she has a big interest in keeping your wife away from him.

It does seem like she is h3ll bent on having him. She is going to keep on throwing herself at him until they hook up, which may already have happened, or he tells her to get lost.

However the way she is talking about you sounds like she has hooked up with him. Perhaps her giving him oral at work. The way she talks about you finding someone is her detaching from her plan B, and women usually only do that after they've been successful with plan A.

Unfortunately hospitals are full of cheaters so she is surrounded by examples of it everyday and also surrounded by a support network providing her knowledge on how to do it and hide it.

How s your sex life with her? Has is increased/decreased?

Has she changed what underwear she's is wearing into work?

You can get home semen test kits to test her underwear for semen.
 

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Seems you W has started down the road of living with you whilst she sets up a new life. The advice above is right. You need legal advice and soon, you need to know where you stand with what is and isnt allowed. Legal support will also help advise on who can be informed. Sadly HR Departments really dont work well with departmental sexual encounters unless its a breach of the hospital code or employment contracts.Keep gathering evidence an do not show it to either of these people else they will build a cover story. You appear to be fighting both already which you cannot do. Its great your employer is supportive, keep them informed as you wll need their wages to live . Having a DNA test may be advisable as you may not be the biological father of this child and that in itself is going to tear you apart. Take time to store away textual evidence including the emails sms and write up the conversation but be aware of laws where you live regarding bugging people even if its your wife, I suggest using this data to plan what your going to do
 

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I often volunteer as a translator for medical groups that come to my country to perform surgeries. I see this type of behavior regularly; nurses infatuated with the surgeons...and the surgeons flirting with the nurses. I know that they are all married and that there are many affairs going on when they are down here without their spouses.

You said that you were mad at your wife but not if you want to try and save your marriage. You have to first decide whether it is a marriage worth saving...if you do want to save your marriage then you need to look for help/counseling on how to deal with infidelity.
 

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Tell the surgeons wife! Now. Your wife is in the fog from the attn she is getting from him, once that stops she may start to see things clearly. Tell the other guys wife ASAP and do not tell your wife what u are doing. Time for the 180! Best of luck and so sorry this happened to you.
Side note, I used to work in a hospital....I never saw more cheating and affairs in my life! Of course it didnt mean much to me then but holy cow- hospitals are dens of inequity!
 

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As shaggy and others have said. Expose far amd wide. Stop being clingy, stop being needy, stop being sweet in other words stop being a nice guy. Those tactics FAIL and always have failed. Start act like a man, you already said youre looking better. Start spending cash on your clothes, your new hair style, take time to focus on yourself. Do not speak to your wife. Let her keep begging for that loser. If that loser dr is married i can guqrantee he will not leave his wife and she will only realize this once she see you as independent and that you are moving on without her.

Keep spying, its not illegal as long as its not a work phone or work computer. Plant some VAR in her car, keep a keylogger on her computer to get her face passw and email pw etc. Never tell her what you have, never tell her you are going to expose just do it. You will not tell her what youre up to. She will get angry, attack you, verbally/physically, she will gaslight you, minimize, deny, justify, and detract. Its all in the script.

Meanwhile you do not argue or talk to her, control your emotions, do not show her your broken, show her youre ahead, state the facts, "if you think that you can eat cake while being married to me youre wrong, DEAD WRONG. Ill leave you because you dont have the gall to leave me, you dont even have the gall to admit the truth about you and the surgeon. I will leave and i will be nothing but a memory to you of how you ruined our marriage because of your lust, curiosity, because of your lack of dedication and self sacrifice because even if i wqs your first bf or 100th boyfriend you would still do this because you have enjoyed living in fantasies. So go ahead, i just wont tolerate it. Leave now, or ill leave"

Start packing, take half of the mony in your bank account, open up your own bank account, find a lawyer and start preparing yourself for war. If you want to R prepare to leave her because she has to wake up from her fantasy, you will not stNd for this behavior
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Dean, I think the first thing that will help you, is deciding what you want, right now.
Divorce?
Or reconciliation?

Now, this may change, but it will help us guide our advice as to what we tell you, what we advise, etc.

But no matter which you choose, you should:
take half of all your joint accounts
Cancel any cards where your name is on the card that she has

The doctor will obviously not admit to it. No OM would want to admit to the husband/boyfriend that they have been banging their wife/girlfriend.
And your wife is in such a fog, that she can't see why what she is doing is wrong, or hurtful. Why is it called a fog? Because she can't see the giant tree that is 10 ft. in front of her. And when she hits it, that is when she realizes what she is doing.

Now, you can speed this up.
By first off, finding this doctor's wife, then telling her "Your husband has been cheating on you with a nurse. I know this because that nurse is my wife."
And then he'll have to make a choice. Either fight out a nasty divorce case (likely) if he want to run off with your wife, OR dump your wife, and take his back and work on reconciliation.
Then your wife will be lost as she realizes what she did, and what she is about to lose.

Then you will hold all the power. Unless of course she keeps thinking "Oh, love will conquer all."
But if she still thinks that, then you divorce and RUN!
 

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Working out and doing things around the house is good for you, now stop rewarding her for her emotional affair and distance your self.

You indifference towards her may or may not be a consequence to her but it will give her a taste of things to come.

And another thing is the POS doctor has a girl friend or even better a wife then you must expose the emotional affair the the doctors SO.

This tactic will piss your chick off....but good...make this affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible.

Start showing the confidence that you will no longer tolorate sharing your wife, cuz enless she divorces you then she is still your wife. It will be up to her to take the step to get out of this marriage in which you want nothing more to protect.

In the same breath have the confidence that if this affair continues then it will be on her for breaking the marriage up and you will take the steps to divorce her.

Thats the thingman, our chick think they have our number and are going any were (hence the threat you and me and many other in this forum get when we confront.

See those are just word to our WW it actions that speak louder.


So stop reearding her behavior and do the 180 and step that will protect you from the emotional torture she is putting you thru. A taste of thing to come when you are no longer around.

Sorry brother, put you chick thinks you won't be able to find some one.... and what suck you might think the same. What you both don't see is once you start looking for the ladies, they are out. there.

Her statement with regards to "I hope he finds some one" tells alot about how much respect she has for you.

In your case, you will be best served by showing her the perception of what it will be really like when you are no longer around. I know its hard cuz you love her, but you can't compete with OM. Alls you can do is give a taste of reality by giving her what she thinks she want and that you no longer around.


And don't foget to expose this affair to the surgeon wife/GF!!!!!
 

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Does she still work in the same hospital as the POS? I'd have a word with her boss nurse in that event. Mention that you'd hate to have to depose so many of the nurses in your upcoming divorce hearing if she doesn't have a "Saul of Tarsus" moment.

Many eyes make infidelity hard. At the very least, wifey will get the message that you know, that you are exposing and that you are ready to take it as far as you need to?

ARE you willing to go as far as you need to? Are you willing to doubt or share her? Some men see half a loaf as all they are worth. I'm sorry if you do feel that way, but it's a choice...sort of.
 

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I found an email she sent him while on maternity leave stating that she missed working with him. He responded by stating "there isn't a day that passes where I don't think of you in the operating room" (he's a surgeon, she's a nurse).
One presumes at least one
 

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I know my husband loves me a lot but I know I would be much happier without him..I really hope he finds someone

He really thinks there's nothing wrong with him...

To be honest, he was my first boyfriend so I guess I made the wrong choice...

I am going to bed the same time as her and waking up with her even though my work hours are later. I try and be affectionate and she's not responding. She says she's tired. This has been her excuse for quite some time.

What do I do? Can I fix this?
Dean, Dean, Dean. You already know there is nothing you can do. This girl is way past ready for you to saddle your horse and ride off into the sunset.
The doc is in the picture to fill a void in her life so you may as well get off you knees begging and praying some miracle is going to make her start digging you again. Like she plainly said, " he was my first boyfriend so I guess I made the wrong choice" .
My friend, even if you beat the lotto type odds of keeping her around a while because she feels sorry for you, you’ll always have to sit there thinking about all hot doctors she might run into. Do both her and yourself a favor and saddle that horse, mount up and ride away. Five years form now you'll realize its the best decision you mad.
 

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What do I do? Can I fix this?
You have better chances of fixing yourself. Stopping with appeasing soft hubby will be a lot easier than trying to get your WS to act like a real wife. Quite honestly, why are you taking this disrespect?

Plus, DNA test NOW! I'm supposing you're not happy with the notion of being on the hook for child support for decades for a kid that ain't yours.
 
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