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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It's been over a week since husband announced he wanted a divorce. He left town for several days but when he came back, we discussed in person all the reasons why he wasn't in love with me anymore and why he resents me so much. He told me he wasn't attracted me anymore. Yet, one hour later, when I stopped crying and started talking to him like a normal human being, he was trying to sleep with me! What?! :confused:

This led him to suggest that maybe a separation would make more sense than a divorce so that we could have time to sort out our feelings and make a responsible decision. I had already packed up his belongings in garbage bags and I wasn't begging him to stay. I was already accepting the divorce, so this came as a shock.

This is the second time he has tried to leave me (the first time it happened before we were even engaged and I was a MESS... I begged, cried, you name any pathetic behavior and I did it.) Obviously we got back together after that, we got engaged and married, but the same thing is happening all over again. Apparently we never solved our problems from the first time. And I REFUSE to beg a second time.

Here's a quick summary of our issues. He resents me because he has always been the breadwinner and feels that I'm ungrateful for his financial support. He thinks I don't cook or clean or do enough to contribute. I've never made much money, and about 1.5 years ago we moved to a different city so that I could attend a really, really intense graduate program. I've always had dreams to have a career, but he was already settled in his career and wanting to have kids. He resents that we've had to wait to start a family and that we're doing things on MY schedule. He resents that not only have I never made much money, but now, I've created loads of debt in school loans, and he's spent all his savings on our beautiful wedding and living expenses. He just thinks I'm so ungrateful. Apparently, I just don't express gratitude in a way he understands it because I am actually very grateful for him. I love him.

On top of all this, when we moved to a different city so that I could start school, he totally isolated himself. He made no friends. He became incredibly depressed. He just shut himself off emotionally from me and the world. He resents me for making him give up his old life. He also thinks I don't give enough affection, but neither does he! We have just stopped trying. We have just been existing together for over a year now. There is no other woman, because he is constantly at home in front of the TV, he barely leaves the house except to go to work.

We're doing a trial separation and now I have to get a roommate and he wants to find a place to live. He is looking to move in with new people, ideally guys his age that he can become friends with. He really wants to make friends. I'm going to therapy alone, he is supposed to also (not sure if he's made moves to do this yet), and eventually we may try couples therapy if he decides that the marriage is worth saving. We're barely talking. Just random texts about logistics of the separation.

I feel like a terrible person, but he knew my career aspirations before marrying me. He promised he was OK with the move, and said he could be happy anywhere as long as it was with me. Is there any hope for us????????? :(
 

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There is HOPE for you. You can have a full life ahead of you IF you change your thinking and reprogram your brain. If your husband wants a new life, let him have one! Wish him well and let him go. Now, I know what you are thinking! WHAT about BLAA! and the other BLAA, and all the time and money we spent on BLAA! All off those thing do not matter anymore because YOU HAVE A NEW PATH TO FOLLOW! You are going to be reborn, like it or not! Your past is past now. You can fight, scream, think of doing bad things to yourself, drink, break things or a host of other things that I did when it happed to me in Iraq or you can learn from the fine members of TAM and be at peace with yourself and make a plan for the next 90 days, then one year, the five years. Each day is a gift and I am sure that you will have a bright future IF, you let go of the pain and love yourself and help yourself. Good luck and keep us updated. Bye David
 

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Oh, another thing! Do not say "Beer" or "I broke a window" here on TAM! They seem to go crazy when you do! I am soo going to rot in anned TAM Hell now!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I'm also wondering, should we be in marriage therapy together right now, or should I just let him go and be on his own for a while, and see if he comes back to me? I think I know the answer but it's so hard to just let him go....
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I asked him if he wants to come home and work out our problems together as a team. I guess I became weak once he texted me and asked me how I was doing. Well, he said no, he needs more time to figure out if he wants this marriage or not. How can he not know if he wants this???? Does it just mean he wants out but is having a hard time fully letting go? Do I just file for divorce? Because I can't handle this anymore, I'm having a serious mental breakdown. Either you want to work it out or you don't. Right?!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Sounds like you are in limbo.
I am. Part of me wants to just dump the a$$hole who would make me wait around to find out if I am "worth" it. How would I ever trust him again? I'm angry but I also want him to come to his senses and realizes he loves me. But I don't understand how he could really love me if he is questioning our relationship this much. Can anyone relate? I'm ready to rip my hair out! Crying, then angry then sad repeat repeat repeat
 

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Oh, yeah, Amy, many, many of us can relate. You are right. He had the chance to say no before you guys got married. It was up to him to get off the sofa and away from the TV to try to make friends. Why does he have to move in with a bunch of guys in order to make friends? He doesn't.

He is doing what is known as blameshifting -- blaming you for all of his unhappiness. Until he can take responsibility for his own part in this, nothing you can say or do will make him come to his senses. I went through a similar limbo situation. I was in IC from the time he said he wanted to separate. He said he would, too, but waited months. He based going to MC on both of us being in IC for a couple of months first. He kept moving the dates for that further and further out. I know now that he was not really ever questioning. When he gave me the speech, he'd already made up his mind. But with a lot of walkaway spouses, deep down they know that what they're doing is crappy, so they drag it out to make themselves look and feel just a little better about it. I've read it over and over and over on TAM.

There is always hope as long as you're both alive. Some couples have even reconciled after divorce. But don't pin your future on that. Pin your future on you, and the fact that he is an adult. Let him go out into the big wide world, and maybe he'll get to the point that he can admit that you were not the cause of is unhappiness. Maybe he'll never grow up.

If you don't mind my asking, what was the reason he wanted to leave while you were engaged?

In this situation, it is a kind of blessing that you did postpone having kids.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Why did he leave you the first time before you married? Did he have an inkling then that your individual goals and needs were perhaps disparate?
Yes. That's why he's really taking the time to think it through because he fears it will become a cycle. But the thing is, we never resolved our differences the first time. He would have to decide to love me and then we would have to decide to resolve our differences once and for all. He's afraid it'll keep coming back and haunting him. What he doesn't get is that we CAN work through our differences but he has to want to try!
 

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You can maximize the chances of recovery if you take care of you. Or you can minimize the chance of any real recovery if you fall into the emotional traps that this stuff causes like being insecure and accepting treatment that will make you angry later.

In the end, we can't change other people but we can show them that we are worth loving and worth being with. Not by clinging onto them but by having personal boundaries. Personal boundaries like "I won't be strung along" for example.

Good luck
 

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I'm also wondering, should we be in marriage therapy together right now, or should I just let him go and be on his own for a while, and see if he comes back to me? I think I know the answer but it's so hard to just let him go....
There's no harm in asking him to join you in marriage councilling. You only have control of your own actions though so if he agrees then don't badger him into submission in sessions.
 

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I don't want a new life without him!!! I want to know if there is hope of reconciliation.
The only hope you have to get him back is if you are willing to lose him. Let him go. Work on yourself. Let him figure out his own problems.

Then if he comes back, you will be a stronger, better person and more attractive to him.

Right now you need to be interacting towards him according to the 180. See the link in my signature block below. the 180 says it's for relationships with affairs... ignore that. It works for situations like yours as well.

If you keep begging him, having emotional talks with him, etc. it's only more of the same. And you will get the same results you have right now.. him not wanting to be with you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
If you don't mind my asking, what was the reason he wanted to leave while you were engaged?
Angelpixie, thank you for your kind words. It helps to know I'm not alone and that I can survive this. You did.

His reasons were that I wanted to go to school and was working hard/taking classes required to apply, and I was just a big annoying stress ball. He didn't think we had similar life goals. He was settled in his career, but I wanted more. It was just a really stressful time for me and I was not a pleasant person to be around. Plus the issue that he still at that time made all the money and felt I wasn't contributing to the household enough. I would get angry at him for holding money over my head and we'd fight about that. But he married me anyway. I thought he accepted me for who I was, but the same issues are back now, and it's so much worse because we're in a different city and he's miserable with himself now.
 

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Yes. That's why he's really taking the time to think it through because he fears it will become a cycle. But the thing is, we never resolved our differences the first time. He would have to decide to love me and then we would have to decide to resolve our differences once and for all. He's afraid it'll keep coming back and haunting him. What he doesn't get is that we CAN work through our differences but he has to want to try!
I'm confused. HOw long have the two of you been married?

How long have you been in this new city?
 

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Angelpixie, thank you for your kind words. It helps to know I'm not alone and that I can survive this. You did.

His reasons were that I wanted to go to school and was working hard/taking classes required to apply, and I was just a big annoying stress ball. He didn't think we had similar life goals. He was settled in his career, but I wanted more. It was just a really stressful time for me and I was not a pleasant person to be around. Plus the issue that he still at that time made all the money and felt I wasn't contributing to the household enough. I would get angry at him for holding money over my head and we'd fight about that. But he married me anyway. I thought he accepted me for who I was, but the same issues are back now, and it's so much worse because we're in a different city and he's miserable with himself now.
What does that mean? He was settled in his career but you wanted more? What more did you want?
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Ele Girl-

married for 2.5 years but together for a total of 6.5 years. Have lived in the new city for about 1.5 years or so.

WHen I said I wanted more, I meant that I wanted to have a career BEFORE kids. I didn't want to just get married and have kids right away.
 

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The only hope you have to get him back is if you are willing to lose him. Let him go. Work on yourself. Let him figure out his own problems.

Then if he comes back, you will be a stronger, better person and more attractive to him.

Right now you need to be interacting towards him according to the 180. See the link in my signature block below. the 180 says it's for relationships with affairs... ignore that. It works for situations like yours as well.

If you keep begging him, having emotional talks with him, etc. it's only more of the same. And you will get the same results you have right now.. him not wanting to be with you.
Yep -- I can attest to this from personal experience. I wish I'd found TAM about a year before I did. I honestly don't think it would have helped us to stay together if I'd done the 180 from the beginning, but it would have definitely helped me to see what was really going on.

When you love someone and you feel committed to them, it seems only natural to want to talk to them, convince them, 'help' them make the 'right' decision. The 180 is counterintuitive. But EleGirl is absolutely right. Whether it results in a reconciliation or not, YOU will be better off for having done it. You've got to take care of yourself first -- and that's true even if you're married. (also something that seemed counterintuitive to me)

Maybe I'm wrong here, but I wonder if he knew about your career aspirations, but didn't really believe that you'd follow through. At some point, perhaps he thought you'd settle into a role of having kids, continuing to earn less than he was, letting him be breadwinner, etc. Otherwise, why would he be acquiescing to move to a different city, etc., and then be so resentful and unhappy? Just pondering that one.
 

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I'm so sorry you're going through this. And your wound is still relatively fresh - no wonder you are feeling the way you do!

May I ask how old your husband is? It sounds like he is going through some sort of midlife crisis, blaming you for all of his unhappiness now, when he knew about your career aspirations all along.

Marriage counseling would definitely help, but only if he wants to go and is willing to give it 100%. If he goes just to placate you, it won't work.

I would suggest you stop begging, stop pleading, stop crying in front of him. Stop telling him how much you love him, stop trying to convince him that you can work through these problems. He just sees this as you disagreeing with him, and it's not helping your case.

Try your best to get to a place of indifference. You can even agree with him - "Yes honey, I agree you need some time and space to figure out what you need." Let him go. I bet you will see a big change in his behavior.

You don't have to be mean, just be indifferent. Look up the 180. When he senses that you no longer care, he might just stop pulling away. He might realize what he's giving up. Right now he sees you as this big emotional frantic stress-case who is desperately trying to convince him that his feelings are wrong. When he sees you as calm, rational, and indifferent, it will confuse him and perhaps pique his curiosity and interest.

The best advice here is to focus on YOU. I know it's scary; you don't want to let him go because what if he is gone forever?? But he already has one foot out the door. Don't push him out completely by pleading with him and having all these emotional talks. He has to want to come back in the door on his own. That's the only way it will work.
 

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Yep -- I can attest to this from personal experience. I wish I'd found TAM about a year before I did.
I'm quite thrilled I didn't find TAM years in my first marriage. It would have done 180, she would have responded, and .... I would have been with someone completely incompatible for much longer than I was.

Are you sure you want someone who is that insecure about your future bread winning being more than his? Or someone who wants you to give up your reasonable aspirations of getting a degree so he can have kids right now.
 
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