I guess my question is that if the marriage was over before your affair then why did you stay in the marriage for the year that you had the affair. That seems very unfair to him ... you took a year of his life when he could have been moving on. I'm not trying to hit you with a 2x4, it is what it is and it's done, but it does beg the question if you really thought the marriage was over before the affair then why didn't you simply divorce then? The year that you were having the affair was a year that you were putting no effort into saving the marriage. He couldn't have been happy during that year thinking everything was ok. I am on the fence about telling him ... on the one hand, he will just hate you and the blame will be focused on you ... on the other hand, he seems to be owed a huge apology.