Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
21 - 40 of 470 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
2,588 Posts
I guess my question is that if the marriage was over before your affair then why did you stay in the marriage for the year that you had the affair. That seems very unfair to him ... you took a year of his life when he could have been moving on. I'm not trying to hit you with a 2x4, it is what it is and it's done, but it does beg the question if you really thought the marriage was over before the affair then why didn't you simply divorce then? The year that you were having the affair was a year that you were putting no effort into saving the marriage. He couldn't have been happy during that year thinking everything was ok. I am on the fence about telling him ... on the one hand, he will just hate you and the blame will be focused on you ... on the other hand, he seems to be owed a huge apology.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,327 Posts
Nothing. We would have divorced anyway. It wasn't working.
Why do I have a hard time believing this? Oh yea because 10/10 times when the WS comes here they minimalize how long the Affair really lasted. Please is the last year how long the PA lasted but how long before that were you emotionally involved with the OM. How much of the marriage was good really not just in your head. I mean most of the time WS are in a "fog" so real history becomes suggestive to the effects of the affair. If you were not neglected emotionally before you had the affair. Then suddenly you felt neglected because this OM in your life gave you all this new attention, then you are really mistaken. I know from experience on here that you are likely trying to protray events in such a way as to not expose how deep your rabbit hole really went. IMHO it sounds like you feel guilty because you know why the marriage failed and it really wasn't because of him. If you want to know how I feel I would tell him the truth. The marriage didn't work out because I was unfaithful and that he deserved to be treated better. I know it may hurt him but atleast he will probably stop holding the candle for you at night and finally move on.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
2,832 Posts
So, you respect her for being honest after the fact months later?? Interesting. But she had already lied to you ?? I don't get it.
Respect and trust are two different things. Respect speaks to someone's direct character and ability to be a good model for others. Trust is something different, and is easier to be built when one shows that they have earned it/ deserve it. By her owning her decisions and mistakes, it can be a real eye opener for the BS, especially when the WS comes forward with it on their own and doesn't only reveal after it was discovered.
 
  • Like
Reactions: warlock07

· Registered
Joined
·
2,588 Posts
One day your daughter comes and tells you, "mom, my boyfriend sucks so I am going to cheat on him". Will you remember what you did and will that affect your comment to her?

If you had never cheated, you could unequivocally say to her, "break up first". Now you cant. Your answer to her will not have the conviction.
Why wouldn't it have conviction? What more conviction do you need than to come from a place where you have made the mistake and learned from it? I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I can assure you there is conviction when I advise my children not to repeat them.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,062 Posts
Why wouldn't it have conviction? What more conviction do you need than to come from a place where you have made the mistake and learned from it? I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I can assure you there is conviction when I advise my children not to repeat them.
But would you say to them "Dont cheat like I did." That's conviction and experience your kids can learn from. If so, then her ex would find out.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
2,832 Posts
Please explain what could possibly be tainted because I've cheated? I don't condone it, I don't want my kids to believe that is the right way to handle things in relationships. I know it was the wrong thing to do but to suggest my parenting is tainted by it just plain sucks.
You would be surprised to see how things come out and change things, For one you are posting it on the internet (and as much as we like to think all is anonymous behind the keyboard, it can still be found out). In fact the large majority of cheaters all said the same thing (the ones my wife were with said the same, they would take it to their graves, didn't make it a few years before being exposed).

You are in a position that you are not openly and fairly judging things. When you talk about failed marriage, it is referred to we not making it, and we were not happy, but it is not really your position to judge what he thought about being happy or the marriage future. You can truthfully only talk about your feelings and not speak for others. My own children saw how my wife changed and failed in things as a mother, yet she doesn't see it that way. She spent time that should have been devoted to them, focused on her affairs. She said her mothering didn't change (as did others when they were posed the question in a recent thread), but the fact and truth is that all relationships (not just marriages) are changed when a cheater is involved, you just are so involved that you don't see how much (or little) things have changed.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
324 Posts
Hello Kimberley,

Please explain what could possibly be tainted because I've cheated? I don't condone it, I don't want my kids to believe that is the right way to handle things in relationships. I know it was the wrong thing to do but to suggest my parenting is tainted by it just plain sucks.
You were shagging another man for a year, while still married to your husband and raising your kids together as a family; and you say your parenting skills weren't "tainted", think about it! You planned, micro-management and executed your time, between your family and your affair. You gave your special time that you should have had with your husband or your kids to the affair, so yes; I'd say your parenting skills were slightly "tainted" don't you?

Look, like I said in my last post, if your feel true guilty and true remorse NOW, after the FACT, it’s too LATE! Leave it alone, just teach your kids the true meaning of promises and vows etc. etc. and that cheating always has a HIGH PRICE!

Q. Are you and your ex-husband good parents to your kids NOW?

Q. Do you respect your ex-husband more now then when you were married and does he respect you?
 

· Registered
Joined
·
341 Posts
Discussion Starter · #28 ·
One day your daughter comes and tells you, "mom, my boyfriend sucks so I am going to cheat on him". Will you remember what you did and will that affect your comment to her?

If you had never cheated, you could unequivocally say to her, "break up first". Now you cant. Your answer to her will not have the conviction.
First off, I have only boys and secondly that is ridiculous. I have stated many times I know what I did was wrong. I don't walk around advocating cheating. Just because someone does something wrong doesn't mean they don't know right from wrong. I absolutley would never tell my kids that is the way to handle things. And perhaps ny answer would have MORE conviction because of what I've done and the mistakes I've made.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
4,742 Posts
I see your point but I still believe we would have ended up divorced. My feelings changed way before the affair started. You are way oversimplifying the reality of how things were. And there was a time we were very happy. Unfortunately, things changed once we had kids. It happens.
so instead of ending it before your affair and being of good morals you decided to cheat and expose him to hard ship and maybe disease.


Hmmmmm.

Just don't understand how you could love sombody for years and then if/when you fall out of love you didn't have the courage to end it before you started having sex with other people.


hell I glad for him that you guys are divorced. he deserves better.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
341 Posts
Discussion Starter · #30 ·
But would you say to them "Dont cheat like I did." That's conviction and experience your kids can learn from. If so, then her ex would find out.
OMG, really? Who would say to their kids, "don't cheat like I did"?? Unless, the kids already know I can't see any parent saying that and dragging the kids into adult problems. My kids are very young. Besides. the affair was the result of being unhappy and not the other way around.
 

· Banned
Joined
·
886 Posts
So affairs go like this.

Marriage is going along so so, or it's hit a bump. WS runs into someone that makes friends with them. The relationship with the friend escalates until it's more than just friends. At this point WS feels guilt but doesn't want to end things so they magnify the problems in their M, and even extend the problems out. Not one year but two three four, even the entire marriage. They blow up how unhappy they were until the BS is cause of their misery. They think about their flawless new love and how happy they would be with them instead. Eventually they divorce and the BS moves on. The A dies at this point because the lies weren't just to the BS but the WS lied to themselves too. So the A falls apart, and the WS is left with facing their guilt or blaming their BS.

If you had done all you could do for your M you would not have been cheating. Lie to yourself all you want but nothing destroys a M like cheating. If you really were working on the M you would have let your BS know you were ending it because. If they responded and tried then you would have put the effort into the M you put into the AP.

Tell your XH what you did and congratulate him on escaping your M. In a few years his wounds will heal and he will be a better man than you ever imagined. He will make another woman very happy.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
341 Posts
Discussion Starter · #32 ·
I guess my question is that if the marriage was over before your affair then why did you stay in the marriage for the year that you had the affair. That seems very unfair to him ... you took a year of his life when he could have been moving on. I'm not trying to hit you with a 2x4, it is what it is and it's done, but it does beg the question if you really thought the marriage was over before the affair then why didn't you simply divorce then? The year that you were having the affair was a year that you were putting no effort into saving the marriage. He couldn't have been happy during that year thinking everything was ok. I am on the fence about telling him ... on the one hand, he will just hate you and the blame will be focused on you ... on the other hand, he seems to be owed a huge apology.
Excellent question and the answer is that I had made the decision to stay in it for the kids. And I told my husband that. In hindsight, it was a stupid thought process and a definite mistake. Live and learn. No, neither of us was happy in that year but if there weren't changes happening in the relationship how can things have possibly been salvaged? I am not telling him as I can't see any good coming from that. We have a good co-parenting relationship now and I don't want that ruined for my kids. They are the innocent bystanders in all this. I have apologized to him many times that we couldn't make it work as has he.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
341 Posts
Discussion Starter · #33 ·
So affairs go like this.

Marriage is going along so so, or it's hit a bump. WS runs into someone that makes friends with them. The relationship with the friend escalates until it's more than just friends. At this point WS feels guilt but doesn't want to end things so they magnify the problems in their M, and even extend the problems out. Not one year but two three four, even the entire marriage. They blow up how unhappy they were until the BS is cause of their misery. They think about their flawless new love and how happy they would be with them instead. Eventually they divorce and the BS moves on. The A dies at this point because the lies weren't just to the BS but the WS lied to themselves too. So the A falls apart, and the WS is left with facing their guilt or blaming their BS.

If you had done all you could do for your M you would not have been cheating. Lie to yourself all you want but nothing destroys a M like cheating. If you really were working on the M you would have let your BS know you were ending it because. If they responded and tried then you would have put the effort into the M you put into the AP.

Tell your XH what you did and congratulate him on escaping your M. In a few years his wounds will heal and he will be a better man than you ever imagined. He will make another woman very happy.
Your bitterness is quite obvious. I was working on my marriage but it takes two to make a marriage work. You have no idea the dynamic in my situation but all you are doing is passing judgement. My affair was over prior to my marriage ending. I ended it. Again, the affair had nothing to do with the marriage ending. It was a symptom of my unhappiness. And I hope he does make another woman happy. He just didn't make me happy. And I pulled the trigger on the divorce. We weren't eight for each other. I suggest you get some counseling for your bitterness Mr. Perfect. Puleeze.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,327 Posts
Excellent question and the answer is that I had made the decision to stay in it for the kids. And I told my husband that. In hindsight, it was a stupid thought process and a definite mistake. Live and learn. No, neither of us was happy in that year but if there weren't changes happening in the relationship how can things have possibly been salvaged? I am not telling him as I can't see any good coming from that. We have a good co-parenting relationship now and I don't want that ruined for my kids. They are the innocent bystanders in all this. I have apologized to him many times that we couldn't make it work as has he.
I see that you selectively answering questions so let me point some of what you said out.

No, neither of us was happy in that year but if there weren't changes happening in the relationship how can things have possibly been salvaged?

notice you said niether of us was happy that year. Not neither of us was happy. So at some point you both were happy.

Then you say this

We have a good co-parenting relationship now and I don't want that ruined for my kids.

Which mean you are able to maintain a friendly and good relationship now. So my question is that because the man you were having sex with is no longer in your life now?

I mean if your marriage was sooooo bad how come the failure of the marriage and the time of the affair are roughly at the same time?

Please don't skip my questions.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
2,832 Posts
Taking things out of context. If your kids are dating and thinking of charting, they are adults art that time and not children facing adult problems. Also you haven't really faced your true hand in the failure of your marriage. You are referring to it as a mistake, and the result of something. It is neither. It is a choice, a decision that you made. You planned it and followed through, so there is no way that you can say it was a mistake or the the result of something. I agree with others that you (just as my wife did) had started checking out years before, even though the affair was listed as the result, she had disconnected years before and was just to cowardly to face the truth. After your posts, I can see that you are still bitter towards your husband and marriage, so it might be best not to tell him, in fact it might be best to avoid him most of the time as you have no respect for him (and it will become evident to your children when the two of you are together).
 

· Registered
Joined
·
2,879 Posts
OP please listen to the advice and stop being so defensive. You came to TAM, we didn't call you. We are trying to do our best. As co-parents, you will be involved with your ex for several more years. You ended your marriage with deceit, Why start out your co-parenting relationship with deceit, as well? Be honest with him, tell him what you have said here, and that you felt the marriage was over BEFORE you cheated. If I were you, I would want, as much as possible, to have an open , honest, relationship with my ex for the sake of my kids, to finally give my ex and myself some much needed respect. Apologize if need be, but emphasize that this is all past history and you are trying to clear the air for a better future.
 

· Banned
Joined
·
886 Posts
Your bitterness is quite obvious. I was working on my marriage but it takes two to make a marriage work. You have no idea the dynamic in my situation but all you are doing is passing judgement. My affair was over prior to my marriage ending. I ended it. Again, the affair had nothing to do with the marriage ending. It was a symptom of my unhappiness. And I hope he does make another woman happy. He just didn't make me happy. And I pulled the trigger on the divorce. We weren't eight for each other. I suggest you get some counseling for your bitterness Mr. Perfect. Puleeze.
You're funny. You don't like the truth so I'm bitter. My W and I reconciled. It's actually a happy M now. The simple fact of the matter is you are overlooking the truth because the lie is more comfortable. Yes it takes two to make a M work, but you guaranteed with your cheating that there was only one person in the M.

No one is perfect. You both contributed to your M failing. It's the A that guaranteed it would. You really owe him the truth. I'm willing to bet there are parts of the last year of your M he just can't make sense of. He needs that truth to do it. Taking shots at me won't make your selfish actions right.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,327 Posts
Your bitterness is quite obvious. I was working on my marriage but it takes two to make a marriage work. You have no idea the dynamic in my situation but all you are doing is passing judgement. My affair was over prior to my marriage ending. I ended it. Again, the affair had nothing to do with the marriage ending. It was a symptom of my unhappiness. And I hope he does make another woman happy. He just didn't make me happy. And I pulled the trigger on the divorce. We weren't eight for each other. I suggest you get some counseling for your bitterness Mr. Perfect. Puleeze.
Maam I have read over two hundred affair stories and your's is not different from the other ones that I have read. You honestly expect me and everyone else here to believe that your affair. The guilt from that affair" which you do have otherwise I doubt you would have taken the time to get on here." Had 0 to do with the failure of your marriage. You are lying to yourself and why go through all of this if you didn't feel any remorse or feel like you didn't do anything wrong? It doesn't make any sense. You said the marriage wasn't working but why wasn't it working two or three years ago?
 

· Banned
Joined
·
5,227 Posts
so instead of ending it before your affair and being of good morals you decided to cheat and expose him to hard ship and maybe disease.


Hmmmmm.

Just don't understand how you could love sombody for years and then if/when you fall out of love you didn't have the courage to end it before you started having sex with other people.


hell I glad for him that you guys are divorced. he deserves better.
Thing about it, it is a pretty "normal" relationship cycle to "fall out of love"... It's one of the things that happen to people. Outside of this, is there respect and can you still work together and support each other? And I realize kimberly17 situation is over, I was just pointing this out for the rest of us and thinking out loud of what we can expect.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
341 Posts
Discussion Starter · #40 ·
Why do I have a hard time believing this? Oh yea because 10/10 times when the WS comes here they minimalize how long the Affair really lasted. Please is the last year how long the PA lasted but how long before that were you emotionally involved with the OM. How much of the marriage was good really not just in your head. I mean most of the time WS are in a "fog" so real history becomes suggestive to the effects of the affair. If you were not neglected emotionally before you had the affair. Then suddenly you felt neglected because this OM in your life gave you all this new attention, then you are really mistaken. I know from experience on here that you are likely trying to protray events in such a way as to not expose how deep your rabbit hole really went. IMHO it sounds like you feel guilty because you know why the marriage failed and it really wasn't because of him. If you want to know how I feel I would tell him the truth. The marriage didn't work out because I was unfaithful and that he deserved to be treated better. I know it may hurt him but atleast he will probably stop holding the candle for you at night and finally move on.
I'm sorry. You couldn't be more wrong. How can you even make a comment like that when you didn't live in my marriage? How do you know what kind of husband he was? I'm not going to sit here and blame him but it was farrrr from good. Cheating on him was wrong but things were quite bad when I started. I do not feel guilty. I feel kind of justified as he never took me seriously. BUT i do know it was wrong. It was a terrible thing to do to him. We both deserve better than we had with each other.
 
21 - 40 of 470 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top