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If you have blamed him for things that you did during the cheating and it has destroyed his manhood, then maybe it would be good to tell him to help rebuild his self esteem you may have ruined. I would suggest to weigh the situation and see how it might affect his and your relationship with your children. I would say it might not be a bad idea, as it can affect how the co-parenting goes with your children, and think how it may affect them if it comes out down the road. You would not necessarily care about what he thinks or feels (otherwise you wouldn't have cheated), but what if it comes out and causes your children to hate you for the lying and deceit.

It is really your call and maybe something to discuss with a professional. Since you are here, I can't help but think that you have some guilt/ remorse that is drawing you to even think about it. I would just hate to see it destroy your relationship with your children (if they find out and feel you lied so easily about this, it may cause them to second guess other things you have done during their life).
 

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So, you respect her for being honest after the fact months later?? Interesting. But she had already lied to you ?? I don't get it.
Respect and trust are two different things. Respect speaks to someone's direct character and ability to be a good model for others. Trust is something different, and is easier to be built when one shows that they have earned it/ deserve it. By her owning her decisions and mistakes, it can be a real eye opener for the BS, especially when the WS comes forward with it on their own and doesn't only reveal after it was discovered.
 
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Please explain what could possibly be tainted because I've cheated? I don't condone it, I don't want my kids to believe that is the right way to handle things in relationships. I know it was the wrong thing to do but to suggest my parenting is tainted by it just plain sucks.
You would be surprised to see how things come out and change things, For one you are posting it on the internet (and as much as we like to think all is anonymous behind the keyboard, it can still be found out). In fact the large majority of cheaters all said the same thing (the ones my wife were with said the same, they would take it to their graves, didn't make it a few years before being exposed).

You are in a position that you are not openly and fairly judging things. When you talk about failed marriage, it is referred to we not making it, and we were not happy, but it is not really your position to judge what he thought about being happy or the marriage future. You can truthfully only talk about your feelings and not speak for others. My own children saw how my wife changed and failed in things as a mother, yet she doesn't see it that way. She spent time that should have been devoted to them, focused on her affairs. She said her mothering didn't change (as did others when they were posed the question in a recent thread), but the fact and truth is that all relationships (not just marriages) are changed when a cheater is involved, you just are so involved that you don't see how much (or little) things have changed.
 

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Taking things out of context. If your kids are dating and thinking of charting, they are adults art that time and not children facing adult problems. Also you haven't really faced your true hand in the failure of your marriage. You are referring to it as a mistake, and the result of something. It is neither. It is a choice, a decision that you made. You planned it and followed through, so there is no way that you can say it was a mistake or the the result of something. I agree with others that you (just as my wife did) had started checking out years before, even though the affair was listed as the result, she had disconnected years before and was just to cowardly to face the truth. After your posts, I can see that you are still bitter towards your husband and marriage, so it might be best not to tell him, in fact it might be best to avoid him most of the time as you have no respect for him (and it will become evident to your children when the two of you are together).
 

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I'm sorry. You couldn't be more wrong. How can you even make a comment like that when you didn't live in my marriage? How do you know what kind of husband he was? I'm not going to sit here and blame him but it was farrrr from good. Cheating on him was wrong but things were quite bad when I started. I do not feel guilty. I feel kind of justified as he never took me seriously. BUT i do know it was wrong. It was a terrible thing to do to him. We both deserve better than we had with each other.
This statement sounds like it came exactly from my wife's mouth (as do all of your posts). The funny thing is that now looking back, she says that she rewrote our history the last few years. She had checked out before her affair and I never was attentive enough or validating, but when she looks back now and talks to others, they never saw what she said was so evident for everyone. Yes neither of us was happy in our marriage, but only she was unhappy. I was just content and just thought it was the stagnant part of the marriage and I was never brought up in an emotional environment, so we had different expectations and experiences relating to the marriage.

I say just move on and not tell him, as you never intended to in the first place. It is evident from all of your posts that your mind was made up before you ever started the thread, so there is no need to pursue this further.
 
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I would not tell him. I would though tell your next husband before you marry him.
I agree, but then that blows the argument that he will never find out (as I can see it coming out at a later time, so it would be est to tell him now and not play him like the fool).
 

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I have often thought if I would tell the next guy I get serious with and I think I'll have to .. It's not going to be an easy conversation but necessary.
So why do you feel that you owe this to the next love interest in your life, but not the father of your children (who will be the main male role model and character in their life and help form their basis of what a good, moral, and just man should be)?

I think they both need to know.
 

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This post was simply to get people's opinion on it. I have no intention of telling him at this point. No one knew about this affair. Not even my closest friends. No one. You know he's not going to feel the same way. C'mon..
You are sure about this? My wife said that her friends knew right after she had done it (she said they could tell, and this is what they confirmed to me), although the "skanks" were no friend of the marriage and just lived vicariously through her (well, they really didn't as I know they went through the same. I could tell just as they could tell with her, but definitely not friends of the marriage).
 
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Well, there was no security as the affair had been over for months.. Not sure. It just kimd of got to the point of no return and I went with it.
Yes, but the affair gave you the confidence to move on. You "admit" that your love for your H was gone and the marriage had been over for years, yet you stayed and didn't move on. The exit affair helped facilitate this push forward with the marriage.
 
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I don't know that any good would come from telling him. I know people think it will give him closure but it might also give him an excuse not to evaluate his role in the failure of the marriage. There are some here that feel an affair is it, and once that happens nothing else matters, but the state of the marriage is more complicated than that. If you could have a discussion where you not only told him of the affair but he was also willing to listen to what happened in the marriage, then it might be productive. That's not about excusing your affair, it's about what he can take to his next relationship. If he'd just write off the whole marriage failure as your affair, it wouldn't do him any favors because then he'll carry his bad behavior forward, which hurts him.
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But don't you think that is an option that should be afforded to him? It doesn't seem fair that (as with all affairs) only one side has the necessary information. Maybe he was more responsible and maybe he wasn't, but he should be afforded that opportunity to know. It is the same as cheating and then never telling that the kids might not be his. He should have the opportunity to get the information and do with it as he pleases, IMHO.
 
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A troll is someone that comes into a forum with the specific intent to cause havoc. They create unreal scenarios and situations and then use these to "stir" the proverbial pot and illicit hatred and cause pain with their posts.
 

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This may not have been your intent, but lately there have been lots of troll posts. In these posts the OP comes in and presents a question and asks for advice. Then the entire time, they shoot down all suggested advice, state that they have a view point and no one is going to change it, and then start to become abusive and attacking towards the posters (which are usually BS's) illicitting hurt and anguish on the posters. Generally they stop posting after a few replies and only show up sporadically to "stir the pot" and insult the respondents. I hope that you can see where people would possibly view this as a possible troll post (and yes people who are members for a long time can troll as well, but generally it is newly joined members that do this) as you asked a question but then just shot down all responses and point blank stated you were not going to tell (posters saw this as a why even ask it if you are not open to advice posts other than to troll? and then you got banned which added some support to that thought).
 

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Thanks for explaining. I did get banned because I called someone a loser who was berating me. This is really a no win. If i say I want to tell him some say I'm wrong and even more selfish. If I say I am not going to tell him some give me the same response. Can't someone post a question just to get others' point of view? That was my only intention. I also don't believe just because a person has made poor selfish choices in the past that it nakes them an overall evil person as some on here think. Although, I realize that is probably hurt talking..
I am sorry that you feel this way. Maybe if you just want to ask a question, it shouldn't include personal background and be a very vague and generalized question and not relating it to yourself. This is just my opinion, but your post basically said I did this in the past and am not telling him, tell me why should I?

Fromt the BS point of view, we are saying it is not fair to keep him in the dark, he should be let in so he can address this and deal with it for himself as well (as a BS we carry lots around inside us and having the full story helps us to come to terms and move on). You have the full story, so you can easily move on, but he isn't as lucky.

As to the selfish decisions and being viewed as overall evil, some may have that view but most only take that view when the selfish decisions continue to be made and the person seems to have a sort of entitlement to continue making those same selfish decisions (such as saying I owe my spouse nothing, the BS deserves to get this treatment, etc).

I am not trying to say that is what you are doing, but from my point of view it does seem that you feel you owe him nothing after all that you have done. You were married for years and have a child, I would think that you would want to extend him these common courtesies so he may be a happy and healthy person and move on from this. Just my $0.02 (and others disagree with my view and have their right to their opinion, just don't insult them when they express it ;) :.
 
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I think at this point it would hurt him very much to know what I did but at the same time it might help him. I am torn because the marriage was ruined anyway. He would admit that today as well. But how could he not be hurt? I would be. It's a blow to someone's ego. I have nothing to lose or gain by telling him now so why are some of you saying it's selfish to tell or not to tell? Is ignorance ever bliss?
You are probably right in that it would hurt him. He probably admits to the marriage being ruined, but he might harbor feelings that he did something wrong to further it along at the end. There is nothing like feeling that you are working towards reconciliation (why else would you go to MC) and then finding out that everything you did was for naught. He might harbor feelings that if he had done something else during that R period it could have resulted differently. It might be nice for him to know that you were cheating on him during that time and not truly committed to R, so nothing he could have done would have changed the outcome (this can be a huge weight off of his shoulders and would be something you could offer him). Sometimes the hurt can cause more healing as it puts to rest the unknown.

It is selfish, because you have nothing to lose or gain so don't see the point in doing it. Think about him this time and how it might help him along and to heal. Can you not see how that thought of "it benefits me in no way, so why do it" is considered selfish??

Ignorance is only bliss when no one knows and never finds out. Once the blinders are pulled off, then the knowledge is worse than it could have originally been. He more than likely will find out down the road (whether you believe this or not) as the truth always has a way of coming out and it will probably be worse for him then.
 
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No idea... it's not like he'd tell me. We both agreed that we would tell the other person if it got serious to the point we wanted to introduce the person to our kids.
So do you think he owes this kindness to you? You brought someone else into your marriage and never told him (and until recently have had no intention of ever telling him), yet during/ after the divorce you thought it a good idea to enter into an agreement to tell the other if you were seriously dating someone else before introducing to your kids?? Wow this is definitely selfish to think that you should have some right to this. In all of your prior posts you have said you owe him nothing, yet think that he (or you) should owe you this the other, why? Is it because you think that you should get to meet and have an idea of the person that is entering his and the kids lives (and how it may change all), yet you don't feel that you owe him the same (as your affair changed you)? This whole new development changes things in my opinion.

I think that if you decide to not tell him (which is your right), then you should also dissolve the agreement to tell the other about serious people in their lives before introducing to the kids as it seems like the only fair thing to do.
 

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First of all, it was his suggestion to do this and yes, I absolutely agree a heads up is a good idea when we will be bringing the kids into something like that. Thay are very young. My affair and our marital issues have nothing to do with how things are handled with the kids. It's not about me meeting the other person or vice versa. I wouldn't request to meet her. It's just a respect as coparents and to know what's going on with our kids when with the other parent. Sorry you can't wrap your head around that.
No matter who suggested it, it was made without the full knowledge of events. Do you think that he would have offered that if he had known that you sneaked around behind his back and hid it. I bet not, as his trust in you to do the right thing would be gone and why would he enter into an agreement with someone that he can not trust. You cheated him of the full facts to make an honest and open decision.

I can wrap my head around all of this as I have young kids too. What you are not wrapping your head around (or just denying to yourself) is that when you chose to cheat, you changed yourself and the way you interacted with your family (there is another thread on TAM regarding this idea, and all agreed, BS and WS, that when someone has an A they are withdrawing from their family and changing the dynamics of it and themselves. No matter how small or large that change my be, it happened and they can't deny it). So yes your marital issues and A has everything to do with your direct handling of the kids and will forever in the future (as you have to live with your conscience, and even a justified conscience changes one's outlook).
 

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Kim did you test yourself for STD's cause I am sure you exH would like to know if you Divorced him but gave him the gift of a life time of creams and itchy private parts.
:iagree::rofl:
 
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When did I ever say I don't feel guilt for cheating? I have always felt guilty even back when I felt somewhat justified.
Post #16 of this thread you started it:

"Truthfully, I felt guilty when we were married but I don't anymore."
 
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Um, it is the law.. how is that disingenuous? My attorney even told me I don't have the right to deny child support as it is for the kids and not me technically. How is it my fault he has to pay? Please elaborate ..
Maybe a lawyer can step in an clarify, but from all of my searches, your statement of it being the law is not true.

It can be state mandated (which means suggested as a general guideline settlement but can be overridden by judges decree and decision), but I could find no such claim of actual laws existing for the acceptance of child support (except when it pertains to the spouse denying to accept the court ordered judgement, and then it must be accepted).

I am not saying that you should not accept it for your children's sake and standard of living, but that it could have been part of the bargaining process to ask that it not be granted (a judge can deny such request as well) had you have desired such.

I did find several cases where a spouse did not wish to receive any child support and was granted that with the divorce settlement.

Of course your lawyer is going to tell you what he wants you to believe, because they have a due diligence to provide you the best representation. IF they do not then they can risk losing their bar status and be held liable for their misrepresentations and failure to to provide proper defense.
 
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I see your point but yes, very extreme examples. I'm curious, what, in your opinion, is a comparable 'offense' to having an affair? Because the analogies you mentioned are all breaking the law which I haven't done. What I did is a moral issue not legal. I have to ask .. are you in R with your wife?
You committed Adultery which is against the law, although most states don't prosecute it anymore but several still do. It waas not purely moral as you suggest.
 
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