[Kimberley17]

My husband and I have been divorced for 2 months. All we do is co-parent our children now. Our marriage was rocky for years and the last year of it I was having an affair. I have no intentions of ever telling him as I don't see the point now other than to hurt him. Looking for opinions on the subject.. If you think I should tell him please explian why and the same for if you don't think I should.

 

[Kimberley17]

I am not really considering it. It was brought up in another thread that I should tell him and was just wondering other people's thoughts. I have no plans to ever tell him. I absolutely don't want to hurt him further.

 

[Kimberley17]

How much did your affair have to do with finalizing the divorce?

Nothing. We would have divorced anyway. It wasn't working.

 

[Kimberley17]

If you have blamed him for things that you did during the cheating and it has destroyed his manhood, then maybe it would be good to tell him to help rebuild his self esteem you may have ruined. I would suggest to weigh the situation and see how it might affect his and your relationship with your children. I would say it might not be a bad idea, as it can affect how the co-parenting goes with your children, and think how it may affect them if it comes out down the road. You would not necessarily care about what he thinks or feels (otherwise you wouldn't have cheated), but what if it comes out and causes your children to hate you for the lying and deceit.

It is really your call and maybe something to discuss with a professional. Since you are here, I can't help but think that you have some guilt/ remorse that is drawing you to even think about it. I would just hate to see it destroy your relationship with your children (if they find out and feel you lied so easily about this, it may cause them to second guess other things you have done during their life).

I don't see how it would ever possibly come out. And my kids are too little right now to understand. One thing that you hit on makes me think. I stopped having sex with him but it was way before I was having the affair, I just couldn't stand having sex with him anymore. I know that fact hurt his manhood. But again that had really nothing to do with the affair as it was going on long before I started cheating. I don't plan to tell. I just want to move on and be happy and I want nothing less for him.

 

[Kimberley17]

Yes, tell him.

Since you're co-parenting your kids, your advice and instructions to them will come, in all likelihood, tainted with a cheater's perspective. Your ex-husband will then understand why you gave certain advice and he may want to offer his counterbalance to yours. Your kids can then decide which viewpoints to accept.

Please explain what could possibly be tainted because I've cheated? I don't condone it, I don't want my kids to believe that is the right way to handle things in relationships. I know it was the wrong thing to do but to suggest my parenting is tainted by it just plain sucks.

 

[Kimberley17]

Hello Kimberley,

You didn't feel guilty or show remorse during the affair when you were married to him, so why confess now? As long as you are both good parents to your kids leave it alone.

If you tell him, who's going to get the blame for the marriage ending? YOU!

When kids grow up and ask why your marriage failed who's going to get the blame? YOU!

When one spouse has an affair that is there ticket out of the marriage, you didn't fight for your marriage THEN and your marriage is now OVER. If you're feeling guilty and remorse NOW, will it's a bit late for that, isn't it! Leave it alone, just be good parents.

HOW EVER!!!!!

If you blamed him solely for the failure of the marriage while you were shagging another man for a year, than confess away and set the record straight. But you'd better take 100% OWNERSHIP of your ACTIONS!

Truthfully, I felt guilty at the time when we were married but I don't now. And I have to correct you. I did fight like hell for my marriage. I BEGGED my husband to go for counseling years ago when things started going downhill. He refused. Insisted we were fine. I told him the things that made me unhappy. Nothing changed and I became more and more miserable until my feelings were gone. I do not have any regret. I believe I tried everything to save my marriage before it was too late. I do not blame him soley for all the problems. I feel terrible guilt because I fell out of love with him when some people are capable of staying in love.

 

[Kimberley17]

Just want to call you out on this one.

What could have become of you marriage if you put the effort and affection you did for your affair partner into loving your husband?

There is a common thread among ALL waywards. In order to justify their actions, they vilify the current spouse and distort their view of the marriage to where "we were never happy". This is the mind trying to justify the terrible actions of cheating and lying and relieve some of the guilt.

It's called rewriting history and every wayward does it.

There is no such thing as an affair "that had nothing to do with the breakup of the marriage".

I see your point but I still believe we would have ended up divorced. My feelings changed way before the affair started. You are way oversimplifying the reality of how things were. And there was a time we were very happy. Unfortunately, things changed once we had kids. It happens.

 

[Kimberley17]

Personally, I would respect a woman far more for being honest with me. I say this because I feel honesty and the truth are the most important commodities in any human relationship and I would admire her for the honesty and express it to her.

Actually had a similar experience many years ago with a serious relationship in which marriage was discussed.

I had many suspicions that she was cheating at the end. Decided the relationship was just too broken to fix overall and never pursued my suspicions. Just ended it on the friendliest terms possible.

She came back 7 months later to ask if we could try again. I declined and said the things that had caused us difficulties were still there.

She agreed, but wanted to at least remain friends. I agreed because I did care for her as a person. Our difficulties mainly came from personality differences.

She then proceeded to tell me she had to admit things to set the record straight. She had been seeing someone else at the end.

Of course, I already knew this because a friend of mine had seen her out with this guy at a nightclub before we split.

She also admitted she had later hooked up with my friend who had caught her out after we had been broken up a couple months.

I actually admired her a lot for her honesty. It definitely helped our continuing friendship to be on better terms.

We stayed good friends until she eventually married and moved to another state. We stopped communicating at that time out of respect for her new husband's feelings, but to this day I still have a respectful memory of her BECAUSE she was honest when she didn't need to be.

So, you respect her for being honest after the fact months later?? Interesting. But she had already lied to you ?? I don't get it.

 

[Kimberley17]

One day your daughter comes and tells you, "mom, my boyfriend sucks so I am going to cheat on him". Will you remember what you did and will that affect your comment to her?

If you had never cheated, you could unequivocally say to her, "break up first". Now you cant. Your answer to her will not have the conviction.

First off, I have only boys and secondly that is ridiculous. I have stated many times I know what I did was wrong. I don't walk around advocating cheating. Just because someone does something wrong doesn't mean they don't know right from wrong. I absolutley would never tell my kids that is the way to handle things. And perhaps ny answer would have MORE conviction because of what I've done and the mistakes I've made.

 

[Kimberley17]

But would you say to them "Dont cheat like I did." That's conviction and experience your kids can learn from. If so, then her ex would find out.

OMG, really? Who would say to their kids, "don't cheat like I did"?? Unless, the kids already know I can't see any parent saying that and dragging the kids into adult problems. My kids are very young. Besides. the affair was the result of being unhappy and not the other way around.

 

[Kimberley17]

I guess my question is that if the marriage was over before your affair then why did you stay in the marriage for the year that you had the affair. That seems very unfair to him ... you took a year of his life when he could have been moving on. I'm not trying to hit you with a 2x4, it is what it is and it's done, but it does beg the question if you really thought the marriage was over before the affair then why didn't you simply divorce then? The year that you were having the affair was a year that you were putting no effort into saving the marriage. He couldn't have been happy during that year thinking everything was ok. I am on the fence about telling him ... on the one hand, he will just hate you and the blame will be focused on you ... on the other hand, he seems to be owed a huge apology.

Excellent question and the answer is that I had made the decision to stay in it for the kids. And I told my husband that. In hindsight, it was a stupid thought process and a definite mistake. Live and learn. No, neither of us was happy in that year but if there weren't changes happening in the relationship how can things have possibly been salvaged? I am not telling him as I can't see any good coming from that. We have a good co-parenting relationship now and I don't want that ruined for my kids. They are the innocent bystanders in all this. I have apologized to him many times that we couldn't make it work as has he.

 

[Kimberley17]

So affairs go like this.

Marriage is going along so so, or it's hit a bump. WS runs into someone that makes friends with them. The relationship with the friend escalates until it's more than just friends. At this point WS feels guilt but doesn't want to end things so they magnify the problems in their M, and even extend the problems out. Not one year but two three four, even the entire marriage. They blow up how unhappy they were until the BS is cause of their misery. They think about their flawless new love and how happy they would be with them instead. Eventually they divorce and the BS moves on. The A dies at this point because the lies weren't just to the BS but the WS lied to themselves too. So the A falls apart, and the WS is left with facing their guilt or blaming their BS.

If you had done all you could do for your M you would not have been cheating. Lie to yourself all you want but nothing destroys a M like cheating. If you really were working on the M you would have let your BS know you were ending it because. If they responded and tried then you would have put the effort into the M you put into the AP.

Tell your XH what you did and congratulate him on escaping your M. In a few years his wounds will heal and he will be a better man than you ever imagined. He will make another woman very happy.

Your bitterness is quite obvious. I was working on my marriage but it takes two to make a marriage work. You have no idea the dynamic in my situation but all you are doing is passing judgement. My affair was over prior to my marriage ending. I ended it. Again, the affair had nothing to do with the marriage ending. It was a symptom of my unhappiness. And I hope he does make another woman happy. He just didn't make me happy. And I pulled the trigger on the divorce. We weren't eight for each other. I suggest you get some counseling for your bitterness Mr. Perfect. Puleeze.

 

[Kimberley17]

Why do I have a hard time believing this? Oh yea because 10/10 times when the WS comes here they minimalize how long the Affair really lasted. Please is the last year how long the PA lasted but how long before that were you emotionally involved with the OM. How much of the marriage was good really not just in your head. I mean most of the time WS are in a "fog" so real history becomes suggestive to the effects of the affair. If you were not neglected emotionally before you had the affair. Then suddenly you felt neglected because this OM in your life gave you all this new attention, then you are really mistaken. I know from experience on here that you are likely trying to protray events in such a way as to not expose how deep your rabbit hole really went. IMHO it sounds like you feel guilty because you know why the marriage failed and it really wasn't because of him. If you want to know how I feel I would tell him the truth. The marriage didn't work out because I was unfaithful and that he deserved to be treated better. I know it may hurt him but atleast he will probably stop holding the candle for you at night and finally move on.

I'm sorry. You couldn't be more wrong. How can you even make a comment like that when you didn't live in my marriage? How do you know what kind of husband he was? I'm not going to sit here and blame him but it was farrrr from good. Cheating on him was wrong but things were quite bad when I started. I do not feel guilty. I feel kind of justified as he never took me seriously. BUT i do know it was wrong. It was a terrible thing to do to him. We both deserve better than we had with each other.

 

[Kimberley17]

Thing about it, it is a pretty "normal" relationship cycle to "fall out of love"... It's one of the things that happen to people. Outside of this, is there respect and can you still work together and support each other?

It wasn't people, it was a person and our relationship was over. No, there was no respect left and no support either.

 

[Kimberley17]

Maam I have read over two hundred affair stories and your's is not different from the other ones that I have read. You honestly expect me and everyone else here to believe that your affair. The guilt from that affair" which you do have otherwise I doubt you would have taken the time to get on here." Had 0 to do with the failure of your marriage. You are lying to yourself and why go through all of this if you didn't feel any remorse or feel like you didn't do anything wrong? It doesn't make any sense. You said the marriage wasn't working but why wasn't it working two or three years ago?

As I explained earlier, this thread came from another thread I had started long ago and even now that we're divorced people were writing telling m to still tell him of the affair. So I started a new thread to get opinions. Why would I fel guilty now? I don't. I did at the time when I was still married but I don't at all now. Plus, what does your lecturing me have to do with my original question? We are divorced so whatever you are saying is a mute point. Things have been bad in my marriage for about 5 yrs. It didn't happen overnight. And where did I say I fel I didn't do anything wrong?? I KNOW I WAS WRONG!!!! It was a terrible thing to do. I do not condone cheating.

 

[Kimberley17]

If it was so bad leaving was the option not cheating. All you had to do was say you needed to end it.

Funny. Leaving often fixes the problems. Cheating magnifies them. What happened when you pulled the plug with the D?

What do you mean what happened? We talked and talked some more and decided it was over. We cried and agreed the kids were most important and always will be.

 

[Kimberley17]

Hello Kimberley,



WOW! strong words! I stand corrected, but only on some points though . Your remind of Candy12 thread, she too has husband like yours, and but she had EA where you had a EA/PA. She ended her EA and sought IC and just today she posted a change in her husbands attitude towards their marriage. Her words sounded like she was happy for the first time in ages. She fighting for her marriage! like you but I think she'll make it.

I'm sorry you had an affair and that requires time and energy to plan and execute, that time and energy should have been put into your marriage! You can't dispute this FACT! It's a FACT!

BUT!!!!! We are talking about the past here, and your marriage ended. Be the BEST PARENTS YOU CAN BE! Teach the hobbits the true meaning of words and there actions. You are now in a position to teach them what RIGHT from WRONG is!

Thanks for the nice words. You are correct and I KNOW having the affair was wrong. Terribly wrong. I do believe we still would have ended up divorced had I not done it. Sometimes things just don't work out. I bet if you ask Candy12 she would say she still loves her husband and wants to grow old with him. When the marriage counselor asked me if I wantd to grow old with him and I knew in my heart tha answer was no, I knew what had to be done. But now it's all about our kids and keeping them happy.

 

[Kimberley17]

I see that you selectively answering questions so let me point some of what you said out.

No, neither of us was happy in that year but if there weren't changes happening in the relationship how can things have possibly been salvaged?

notice you said niether of us was happy that year. Not neither of us was happy. So at some point you both were happy.

Then you say this

We have a good co-parenting relationship now and I don't want that ruined for my kids.

Which mean you are able to maintain a friendly and good relationship now. So my question is that because the man you were having sex with is no longer in your life now?

I mean if your marriage was sooooo bad how come the failure of the marriage and the time of the affair are roughly at the same time?

Please don't skip my questions.

I don't mean to skip any questions.. There was a time we were both very happy. That seemed to change when we had our first baby. I will spare you the details of that unless you want to know. We always had the friendship thing down but as far as the partnrship of being in a realtionship we couldn't quite get that right after kids came. I ended my affair probably 6 months before we decided to divorce but the reason it was so close was because it really was done and we were both prolonging the inevitable (divorce). It's a shame that something so wonderful (kids) can sometimes ruin a relationship. It makes me sad but it is what it is. You don't have all the details but I do feel I did everything I could do to try to salvage the relationship. It just got to the point where I didn't have any feelings left for him.

 

[Kimberley17]

Who did you cheat with ? A married man I met online

Are you still seeing that guy ? No, not for almost a year.

How did you treat him during the affair ? I don't think I can objectively answer this because if I say the same you will say I couldn't possibly have and you'd be right. Things were so bad by that point we weren't even sleeping in the same bed anyway.

What is your relationship with your XH now ? How does he feel about the divorce ? We have a good co-parenting relationship. He didn't want it but knew it was for the best.

Do you think the affair hastened the end of the marriage ? You say you tried counseling? yes, I believe it probably did hasten it. We tried counseling when I was already checked out and yes having the affair. I did BEG him to go to counseling long before I even started my affair just for the record.

Reading a bit of your old post now
You were in counseling while in an affair ? Are you f*cking kidding me ? Are you so blind that you don't realize what you did ?[/QUOTE] Enlighten me, what did I do? IT WAS OVER IN MY HEART WHEN I HAD THE AFFAIR!!!!!

 

[Kimberley17]

Would your husband agree if he see this post ? I am curious. Would he agree that the affair was just the final cherry on the cake that ended the marriage ?

One more

Did the guilt of the affair convince you to end the marriage while otherwise, you would have tried a little more time in counseling ?

I believe if he found out he would.. he knows how bad things were and takes 1/2 the blame as do I.