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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been divorced for 2 months. All we do is co-parent our children now. Our marriage was rocky for years and the last year of it I was having an affair. I have no intentions of ever telling him as I don't see the point now other than to hurt him. Looking for opinions on the subject.. If you think I should tell him please explian why and the same for if you don't think I should.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I am not really considering it. It was brought up in another thread that I should tell him and was just wondering other people's thoughts. I have no plans to ever tell him. I absolutely don't want to hurt him further.
 

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If you have blamed him for things that you did during the cheating and it has destroyed his manhood, then maybe it would be good to tell him to help rebuild his self esteem you may have ruined. I would suggest to weigh the situation and see how it might affect his and your relationship with your children. I would say it might not be a bad idea, as it can affect how the co-parenting goes with your children, and think how it may affect them if it comes out down the road. You would not necessarily care about what he thinks or feels (otherwise you wouldn't have cheated), but what if it comes out and causes your children to hate you for the lying and deceit.

It is really your call and maybe something to discuss with a professional. Since you are here, I can't help but think that you have some guilt/ remorse that is drawing you to even think about it. I would just hate to see it destroy your relationship with your children (if they find out and feel you lied so easily about this, it may cause them to second guess other things you have done during their life).
 

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My husband and I have been divorced for 2 months. All we do is co-parent our children now. Our marriage was rocky for years and the last year of it I was having an affair. I have no intentions of ever telling him as I don't see the point now other than to hurt him. Looking for opinions on the subject.. If you think I should tell him please explian why and the same for if you don't think I should.

Yes, tell him.

Since you're co-parenting your kids, your advice and instructions to them will come, in all likelihood, tainted with a cheater's perspective. Your ex-husband will then understand why you gave certain advice and he may want to offer his counterbalance to yours. Your kids can then decide which viewpoints to accept.
 

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Hello Kimberley,

You didn't feel guilty or show remorse during the affair when you were married to him, so why confess now? As long as you are both good parents to your kids leave it alone.

If you tell him, who's going to get the blame for the marriage ending? YOU!

When kids grow up and ask why your marriage failed who's going to get the blame? YOU!

When one spouse has an affair that is there ticket out of the marriage, you didn't fight for your marriage THEN and your marriage is now OVER. If you're feeling guilty and remorse NOW, will it's a bit late for that, isn't it! Leave it alone, just be good parents.

HOW EVER!!!!!

If you blamed him solely for the failure of the marriage while you were shagging another man for a year, than confess away and set the record straight. But you'd better take 100% OWNERSHIP of your ACTIONS!
 

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Our marriage was rocky for years and the last year of it I was having an affair.
Just want to call you out on this one.

What could have become of you marriage if you put the effort and affection you did for your affair partner into loving your husband?

There is a common thread among ALL waywards. In order to justify their actions, they vilify the current spouse and distort their view of the marriage to where "we were never happy". This is the mind trying to justify the terrible actions of cheating and lying and relieve some of the guilt.

It's called rewriting history and every wayward does it.

There is no such thing as an affair "that had nothing to do with the breakup of the marriage".
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
If you have blamed him for things that you did during the cheating and it has destroyed his manhood, then maybe it would be good to tell him to help rebuild his self esteem you may have ruined. I would suggest to weigh the situation and see how it might affect his and your relationship with your children. I would say it might not be a bad idea, as it can affect how the co-parenting goes with your children, and think how it may affect them if it comes out down the road. You would not necessarily care about what he thinks or feels (otherwise you wouldn't have cheated), but what if it comes out and causes your children to hate you for the lying and deceit.

It is really your call and maybe something to discuss with a professional. Since you are here, I can't help but think that you have some guilt/ remorse that is drawing you to even think about it. I would just hate to see it destroy your relationship with your children (if they find out and feel you lied so easily about this, it may cause them to second guess other things you have done during their life).
I don't see how it would ever possibly come out. And my kids are too little right now to understand. One thing that you hit on makes me think. I stopped having sex with him but it was way before I was having the affair, I just couldn't stand having sex with him anymore. I know that fact hurt his manhood. But again that had really nothing to do with the affair as it was going on long before I started cheating. I don't plan to tell. I just want to move on and be happy and I want nothing less for him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Yes, tell him.

Since you're co-parenting your kids, your advice and instructions to them will come, in all likelihood, tainted with a cheater's perspective. Your ex-husband will then understand why you gave certain advice and he may want to offer his counterbalance to yours. Your kids can then decide which viewpoints to accept.
Please explain what could possibly be tainted because I've cheated? I don't condone it, I don't want my kids to believe that is the right way to handle things in relationships. I know it was the wrong thing to do but to suggest my parenting is tainted by it just plain sucks.
 

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Personally, I would respect a woman far more for being honest with me. I say this because I feel honesty and the truth are the most important commodities in any human relationship and I would admire her for the honesty and express it to her.

Actually had a similar experience many years ago with a serious relationship in which marriage was discussed.

I had many suspicions that she was cheating at the end. Decided the relationship was just too broken to fix overall and never pursued my suspicions. Just ended it on the friendliest terms possible.

She came back 7 months later to ask if we could try again. I declined and said the things that had caused us difficulties were still there.

She agreed, but wanted to at least remain friends. I agreed because I did care for her as a person. Our difficulties mainly came from personality differences.

She then proceeded to tell me she had to admit things to set the record straight. She had been seeing someone else at the end.

Of course, I already knew this because a friend of mine had seen her out with this guy at a nightclub before we split.

She also admitted she had later hooked up with my friend who had caught her out after we had been broken up a couple months.

I actually admired her a lot for her honesty. It definitely helped our continuing friendship to be on better terms.

We stayed good friends until she eventually married and moved to another state. We stopped communicating at that time out of respect for her new husband's feelings, but to this day I still have a respectful memory of her BECAUSE she was honest when she didn't need to be.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Hello Kimberley,

You didn't feel guilty or show remorse during the affair when you were married to him, so why confess now? As long as you are both good parents to your kids leave it alone.

If you tell him, who's going to get the blame for the marriage ending? YOU!

When kids grow up and ask why your marriage failed who's going to get the blame? YOU!

When one spouse has an affair that is there ticket out of the marriage, you didn't fight for your marriage THEN and your marriage is now OVER. If you're feeling guilty and remorse NOW, will it's a bit late for that, isn't it! Leave it alone, just be good parents.

HOW EVER!!!!!

If you blamed him solely for the failure of the marriage while you were shagging another man for a year, than confess away and set the record straight. But you'd better take 100% OWNERSHIP of your ACTIONS!
Truthfully, I felt guilty at the time when we were married but I don't now. And I have to correct you. I did fight like hell for my marriage. I BEGGED my husband to go for counseling years ago when things started going downhill. He refused. Insisted we were fine. I told him the things that made me unhappy. Nothing changed and I became more and more miserable until my feelings were gone. I do not have any regret. I believe I tried everything to save my marriage before it was too late. I do not blame him soley for all the problems. I feel terrible guilt because I fell out of love with him when some people are capable of staying in love.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Just want to call you out on this one.

What could have become of you marriage if you put the effort and affection you did for your affair partner into loving your husband?

There is a common thread among ALL waywards. In order to justify their actions, they vilify the current spouse and distort their view of the marriage to where "we were never happy". This is the mind trying to justify the terrible actions of cheating and lying and relieve some of the guilt.

It's called rewriting history and every wayward does it.

There is no such thing as an affair "that had nothing to do with the breakup of the marriage".
I see your point but I still believe we would have ended up divorced. My feelings changed way before the affair started. You are way oversimplifying the reality of how things were. And there was a time we were very happy. Unfortunately, things changed once we had kids. It happens.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Personally, I would respect a woman far more for being honest with me. I say this because I feel honesty and the truth are the most important commodities in any human relationship and I would admire her for the honesty and express it to her.

Actually had a similar experience many years ago with a serious relationship in which marriage was discussed.

I had many suspicions that she was cheating at the end. Decided the relationship was just too broken to fix overall and never pursued my suspicions. Just ended it on the friendliest terms possible.

She came back 7 months later to ask if we could try again. I declined and said the things that had caused us difficulties were still there.

She agreed, but wanted to at least remain friends. I agreed because I did care for her as a person. Our difficulties mainly came from personality differences.

She then proceeded to tell me she had to admit things to set the record straight. She had been seeing someone else at the end.

Of course, I already knew this because a friend of mine had seen her out with this guy at a nightclub before we split.

She also admitted she had later hooked up with my friend who had caught her out after we had been broken up a couple months.

I actually admired her a lot for her honesty. It definitely helped our continuing friendship to be on better terms.

We stayed good friends until she eventually married and moved to another state. We stopped communicating at that time out of respect for her new husband's feelings, but to this day I still have a respectful memory of her BECAUSE she was honest when she didn't need to be.
So, you respect her for being honest after the fact months later?? Interesting. But she had already lied to you ?? I don't get it.
 

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Please explain what could possibly be tainted because I've cheated? I don't condone it, I don't want my kids to believe that is the right way to handle things in relationships. I know it was the wrong thing to do but to suggest my parenting is tainted by it just plain sucks.

One day your daughter comes and tells you, "mom, my boyfriend sucks so I am going to cheat on him". Will you remember what you did and will that affect your comment to her?

If you had never cheated, you could unequivocally say to her, "break up first". Now you cant. Your answer to her will not have the conviction.
 

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If only you had the will a year ago to say it. You've already done the deed of cheating and lying and betraying your vows. May as well stay the course at this point. When he finds out, whenever it is there will be a wound opened up that will take months to heal.
 
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