[aconfusednewlywed]

I know I'm not the first to be cheated on and I am hoping that someone with experience can tell me how they coped with their cheating husband.
A couple years ago I received an email from a girl saying she and my boyfriend had kissed. It was high school I was angry and told him to never speak to me again. But he said she was lying and even though I didn't quite believe him we got back together. You know how high school goes.

We got engaged before he left for the army. I live a few states away as a student and only see him occasionally. I again received an email from another girl stating she and my fiance had been having a relationship and he had pushed her sexually. She claimed she had been in his room and he had taken her on dates. He denied this but admitted to getting drunk at a party one night and kissing her. I became very jealous and suspicious and after going through his phone found inappropriate messages to various girls. He cried and apologized over and over telling me how stupid and sorry he was. I hated him so much I told him to leave me alone. However a friend of his talked me into giving him another chance.

I thought I would never be able to look at him again but a year later we got married. I loved him and he swore he would never hurt me again. We got married young and he blames it on being young and stupid. Although the last incident was a year ago I find myself unable to stop thinking about it. I want to forgive him and move on with our lives but I can't seem to put it aside. I constantly check his phone and skype in secret but haven't found anything even remotely inappropriate. He even deleted his facebook to get away from those girls. (But I can't help but wonder if it was just to keep them from finding out about me). Every time we argue I bring it up and he says its embarrassing and hurtful to relive it and sticks to his story. But I just don't buy it and it makes me sick to even think about. I haven't talked to anyone because I'm so hurt and embarrassed but I can't hold it in any longer; it's ruining my marriage!

Any advice would be so appreciated I just don't know what to do.

 

[SadandAngry]

What steps has he taken to reassure you specifically? What is he like when you talk about it? How much do you talk about it? How do you feel about what he has done? What did he do wrong, in your opinion? How do you feel about him, you, your marriage? Answer these for starters.

 

[MattMatt]

Sorry you are here. Sorry your husbnad has zero respect and zero boundaries.

Can he be fixed? I don't know, but I hope so.

 

[aconfusednewlywed]

He finally gave me the passcode to his phone which he previously didn't allow me to have. When I'd asked in the past he told me it was very insecure of me to ask that and insulting. Now he says he has nothing to hide and I can read anything I want. As far as I know he doesn't text these girls anymore.
If I bring it up he gets quiet and asks "are we really doing this again?" and refuses to talk about it more.
I bring it up often. So many things trigger memories. Every time I receive a message on facebook I literally shake with fear that it's going to be another girl.
I love him but what he did is just sickening. It makes me feel like he didn't think I was good enough for him and that is just insulting. I know I could find someone else but that's not what I want. He can be a great guy when he puts the effort in. I just don't want to be that stupid person who believes the lies and stays when they should have left.

 

[SadandAngry]

Ok, so step back. Look at who he is, not who he could be. Look at his actions, not his words. He betrayed you. Nobody deserves that, nobody. Not even a cheater. If things are not to your liking at home, you fix it, or you leave, you don't bring in another person(s).

He hurt you. He needs to own it, and explain it. Over and over and over, if that is what you need. This is his fault, not yours. He needs to do what ever you need to get past it, or gtfo! Trust is earned, not taken. What about email, facebook, etc., did he give you those passwords?

 

[SadandAngry]

You are going to have to draw a line. A line with harsh consequences if he chooses not to accept. Because the line is what you expect and will accept in your marriage. If he will not be fully honest, completely transparent, and work with you on your marriage, you need to divorce.

 

[zookeeper]

Start by being honest with yourself. Will you ever be able to trust him again? If so and you want to move on you need to put this in the past.

If you can't, no point in going throught the motions. See this is as much about you as it is him. You may have forgiven him, he may be completely reformed but the trust may be lost forever. Figure that part out before you worry about checking up on him.

 

[aconfusednewlywed]

I appreciate everybodys input its given me a lot to think about. SadandAngry I did not receive those passwords he deleted the accounts.
I told him if I ever even see another text that is flirtatious I'm gone and he says he understands. But part of me wonders if the reason he doesn't share details that I think are being left out is because he's afraid I will leave. Maybe I would. I'm really not sure. Better to be left in the dark or know the truth?
I don't know if I can trust him. That's an excellent point to consider. Some days I do and somedays I don't. Is that healing or am I just in a vicious cycle of stress and haunting memories?

 

[sharkeey]

He obviously can't be trusted based on his lack of remorse and his statements to the effect of "here we go again" or whatever.

He gave you his phone password AFTER he deleted all the evidence, and he's probably got another phone hidden somewhere.

Your fears are justified, he's most likely cheating on you, and if you want answers you'll need to get them other ways, he's not going to provide them no matter how much you bug him about it.

 

[warlock07]

Terrible decision to marry him one year after that...Wait until you can trust him before have kids with him..

 

[SadandAngry]

You don't really have enough information to make the choice to stay in my opinion. I don't think you have anything to lose by pressing him hard. Tell him you want him to take a polygraph test. Think of a series of questions you would like answered. Share some of the ones that you think would be controversial, and see what his reaction is. Be prepared to back up the threat, some waywards will try to bluff you, he k one wayward I read about utterly failed the poly, and still refused to admit to anything, but at least you could feel more secure about leaving.

 

[SadandAngry]

My opinion on the truth is that it is almost always better to know, rather than to wonder. Then YOU get to make your own choices. The one area where I waver in that is the level of detail required. The basic knowledge was enough, I didn't need to make high def. mind movies.

 

[Remains]

Did he take some talking round to give you his phone password...plenty of persuasion?

Or did he just do a complete turnaround from one day/week to the next?

If the latter is true and there was not a period of long drawn out conversations, arguments, reasoning, you putting your foot down, before he finally said ok, then that is very suspicious how he would be adament and difinitive on why you could not have the password, and then shortly after, no trouble, you can as he has nothing to hide. This does suggest he deleted everything. Which could now mean he is conversing through other means.

Apart from that I would suggest that he could be telling the truth. People can be young and stupid. And you leaving him was his wake up call. But the phone password issue puts all that in to question.

Your best way forward imo is to accept that you cannot have him by your side 24/7, if he is going to cheat there is nothing you can do, and that if you want to find out sooner rather than later then you have to cool off him. He will know what you are suspicious of and how and what he needs to hide. You need to get him to relax. Then he will make mistakes...if he is actually up to anything.

There are some great products out there for spying too. Does he have a car for work? Getting a VAR in the car will catch him talking if that is what he is doing, especially if he has a secret phone (now that you have his password). You could put spyware on his phone. He might be using chat apps.

The main thing is, you cannot let this consume you. (very difficult). He may well be innocent (though I think not if the phone password was such an easy change of mind). Just be patient and vigilant. And don't give it away how suspicious you are.

Good luck.

 

[Pit-of-my-stomach]

Random thought....

Maybe your not a confusednewlywed anymore.

Maybe your finally starting to think clearly.

 

[steinjeremo]

Sorry your husbnad has zero respect and zero boundaries.

 

[aconfusednewlywed]

Are polygraphs a pretty common thing people do? I've never actually thought of that before.
Remains, no it was awhile before I knew the passwords to the phone. He has tried to be more open about what he is doing or where he is at since we aren't together often. Whenever I call he answers or texts back right away. And he leaves skype on all night long so I can see our apartment. It's reassuring but I hate living like that. I hate feeling like I'm stalking my own husband. I'm trying very hard to stop thinking about it all the time. I guess we all know that's easier said than done.
I guess I've never thought about getting spyware put on his phone, I'm not very tech savy so I don't know much about any of that stuff.
Again, I appreciate everybody's input. I'd really like leaving to be my very last option. I might just be acting like a typical woman but if there's any way to fix this I'd like to do that before giving up on it.

 

[SadandAngry]

Well to be quite honest, he is the one who ought to be trying to fix it at all costs.

 

[Pit-of-my-stomach]

I might just be acting like a typical woman

lol. and what exactly is the profile of a 'typical women' ? After your extensive Gaslighting Therapy what have you been led to believe is 'typical' ?

 

[aconfusednewlywed]

that is true.
well pit-of-my-stomach I read an article saying most women go into "fix it" mode after they find out their spouse has been cheating. Not sure if it's true though. Certainly seems to be true for me.