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I have been married since 1999 and have two girls aged 8 and 10. My wife is becoming very difficult to live with. She does not work and has been a stay at home mum since 2002 but wasn't working much before that. Because she is home a lot she sees me as an intruder when I'm home after work or on weekends. She has her place on the couch in front of the tv, the remote sits in a certain place. Everything is arranged for her and none of my work books and folders are allowed out of the study except all her craft stuff is.

She is constantly creating little rules that is always to my detriment. The latest is that I'm not allowed in the kitchen to cook which includes breakfast. Her reasoning is that I don't clean up to her satisfaction which includes putting back pots and pans in the exact place that she likes. However what this means is that I cannot cook, so the burden is now on her to cook me breakfast which she gets upset because there's more work for her to do so most of the time I go to work without breakfast.

But the way this came about is also surprising, we were having a nice Saturday morning with the kids laughing and having a good time until I mentioned that I would cook eggs for my daughter and I and my wife went off the handle without any other triggers other than me suggesting eggs. She smashed a cutting board on the bench by lifting it up over her head and bring it down hard twice and said no no no I don't clean up, and I'm now banned from cooking anything in the kitchen. Well that made the rest of the day miserable.

So I'm not allowed to even cook toast for myself. Isn't this stupid? I'm the sole worker and earner and I pay for these things yet I'm treated like a child. I only eat when she is prepared to provide me something. There are other rules that she applies to me which I won't go into but I'm slowly being pushed out.

I have suggested that we both see a councilor to sort out these issues but she doesn't see what the issues are and refuses.

So I looked up information on divorce and found that in Australia at least, we have to be separated for 12 months before we can apply for a divorce. How am I suppose to do this? Either she moves out (which she won't) and I pay for her rent etc or I move out and pay for rent etc. It will become a very expensive exercise and I feel it will be the start of the costs. My only way I can see this out is to sell the house and move into an apartment myself and tell her to find her own place and she can pay for that.

I would rather stay with her and the children and watch them grow up, but I'm afraid I might starve to death (I'm not going out and eating McDonald's every time she has a hissy fit - which she now throws just so I may leave the house).

If anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear you.

Darren.
 

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Actually my second husband was like this, he was the controlling, anal retentive one. I got to the point that I did NOTHING in our home, because only HIS way was the RIGHT way. So of course THEN he complained that I did nothing. I was in a lose/lose situation. it really hurts to be treated like a stupid child by your partner. I left. We divorced. There were other issues as well, but this was the part that I can empathize with here with you.

You sound like a very passive person. Take it from another passive person that you are going to have to stand up for yourself and demand that she pay attention to how you are feeling about the way she is treating you. That will be the only way you can work toward getting into counseling or any other ways to try and help the marriage. I wish you luck.
 

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And your putting up with this witches incorrigible behavior for what reason? Dude man up ASAP! Grow a pair while you are at it.
 

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It's a real shame she's become like that cause now you're gonna have to lay down the law and suddenly her perfect little world financed by you is gonna come crashing down.

Have a stern talk with her, tell her how her actions make you feel, be sure to let her know there will be consequences for her actions, only give her one warning, and no matter what don't back down.

If it were me, the first thing flying out the window would be the remote control followed by the tv, then I'd go cook up some sloppy joe's and leave the dirty dishes in the sink.
 

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Darren you can live as "separated under one roof" which can ease the financial burden but of course it will be a disaster as far as your current situation.

Why can't your wife get a job? With the ages of your children she will not qualify for "single parents pension".

If you do move out you are under no legal obligation to pay for both your living costs. Whoever stays in the family home pays the mortgage and the other pays their own living costs.

It is not urgent to actually get the divorce paper, you can be separated for years and still sort out the child sharing arrangements and do a financial settlement.

I would suggest you start with contacting Relationships Australia with is a Govt. agency that handles mediation. They have a sliding scale of fees depending on income, the fees are quite reasonable.

Your situation is completely untenable, none of you should have to live like this. Of course if the situation can be fixed that would be great, if not and you need to chat about the process of separation/divorce in Aussie feel free to PM me.
 

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I don't get it. You're a man. You're paying for the house. If you want to cook some eggs, cook some damn eggs. If she wants to create ANOTHER mess for herself by breaking things, don't offer to help clean. Simply be matter of fact and remind her that it's your house, too, and you *will* live in it as if it's a safe place to be.
 

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She is treating you like cr*p because she can. You let her.
She's the boss of you!

You can either carry on as you are or you can stand up for yourself and change things.

You deserve so much more than this... don't you think?

A good start would be looking into your legal situation in OZ as suggested above.
 

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Talk to a lawyer and find out what your seperation options are. You may be able to do an in-house seperation as others have suggested.

No family or friends you could stay with or rent a room from?
 

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Many years ago, when she was very stressed, my wife told me she had unilaterally made a 'house rule' which I had to obey.

I made it very clear to her that 'house rules' were made by 'us' jointly. Never had a problem on that front since (about 20 years ago).

I mention it in case it helps.
 
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