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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is so weird to be writing, but my wife recently came across a "sent mail" in my out box where I replied to a personal ad. It wasn't anything racy, simply a married woman seeking someone to see movies with or get a cup of coffee-no sex.

I am writing because while my offense seems trivial in comparison to the others posted here, I am getting the feeling that the breach of trust is exactly the same.

Our history: Married 7 years, 2 young children. We have not had any huge problems besides what comes along with raising two young children. We bicker, we argue, etc.

Now my wife isn't talking to me. Understandable. But shouldn't I have actually met the woman to be in major trouble? There are guys out there that do a whole lot worse and are forgiven.

That's the other thing: there are some things my wife has never forgiven me for. (equally trivial) Things that happened before we were married that still come up in arguments. I am fearful that she will NEVER forgive me.

Thoughts?
 

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Re: Not sure what to think.

I think trouble is that you were looking someone where else for companionship. It does not matter whether or not it was sexual or intellectual, the point is you were looking. The woman in your life wants/needs to fullfill of your needs and when you look else whether it diminshes her self worth. Take her for coffee, make her the one you want to talk too, share things with, connect with.....
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Re: Not sure what to think.

Yes, I agree and have been working on this. In fact we've been getting better in the last few weeks--until she found that e-mail.

Is this an "unforgivable offense"?
 

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Why would you have done something like that to begin with? It does sound like you were trying to cheat. You sound like you are minimizing it a great deal.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I don't know, it was stupid. Agreed. I've never cheated, probably would have chickened out. Maybe it was just to feel like someone found me interesting. A little flirtation.

Now that I know my one indiscretion was a mistake, how do I go about putting this train back on the rails?

Is this an unforgivable offense?
 

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Is this an unforgivable offense?
That's up to you and your wife.

You may be able to find that sense of "specialness" you're looking for by putting more effort into your relationship with your wife. You may also want to have a look at why you are sabotoging your relationship with her.
 

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this is the mistake many of us make... when we need attention and want to feel special, instead of turning to the person who's right there and who is also the RIGHT person to turn to, we go looking for external reassurance, the kind which doesn't last and which is unimportant.

have you apologised to her? told her you're sorry and that you're willing to make up for this?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
apologized endlessly. she needs to be angry for a while, her way of dealing is not to speak to me. I'm also trying to get an appointment with a councilor.

This board is very helpful, but I cant' just forward her links to conversations and posts.

needless to say I'll never do this again amd would never want to put my marriage in jeopardy
 

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My husband lost my trust recently due to a similar situation to this. I was extremely upset with him, so upset that he stayed somewhere else for a few days til we smoothed things out. The thought of trusting him again was so far fetched. And although he said he meant no harm out of it, the thought of him lying to me and losing my trust did it in for me. Him lying to me and his actions severely damage our relationship. I wondered for days if i took him back, would our relationship ever be the same. So far it hasnt been, but i can tell it will get there eventually. There are days where I go squirrelly on him but he has given me reassurance and we get through it.

I chose to forgive him. But i wont lie, it hasnt been easy. I hated him for awhile. Its been something we both are working on, as we all do in relationships.
 

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Speaking as a wife who was cheated on physically AND emotionally...I would have to tell you this....The fact that you looked elsewhere for companionship can be more hurtful then an incident of meaningless physical sex. And honestly...how do you think most affairs begin? Because of a "connection" two people feel with one another..whether it be a TRUE life connection or a case of "newness"...Was the idea of that worth losing your wife's trust? Of coarse a new woman would find you interesting and seem facinating...Because they don't have to deal with the heavy issues of mortages and bills and family issues with you. It's all light and frothy..nut it has no depth. Just remember, you once had those feelings of "newness" with your wife. It grew deeper until you wanted to marry her..then real life set in. I bet she still finds you interesting and would give anything to be the one that you choose to "catch a movie or a cup of coffee with"...and the best thing is...after THOSE dates with your wife...you better BUH-LEEEVE there will be sex. Bottom line..instead of looking elsewhere...rediscover what you have at home and nurture it. You won't regret it and it will be FAR more rewarding to your family...especially your children. Good Luck to you.
 

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I think the previous posters have really had great responses.
It's good you recognized a pattern with a breach of trust being the main problem.

There are guys out there that do a whole lot worse and are forgiven.
And? You're not married to their wives. You use the word "trivial" quite a bit to describe what happened. If it's not trivial to your wife, don't think of it that way. She has the right to decide her own course of action. If she never forgives you, that is the consequence. Your job is to do what you can to prevent something like this from happening in the future and to assure your wife as best as you can that you will be trustworthy from now on.

Be as transparent as possible. Let her know where you are, who you're talking to and let her have access to what she wants. Show her you've got nothing to hide and that her trust in you is your biggest concern.

And good for you for seeking counseling.
 

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I would not beat your self up about this ok you made a mistake if your wife loves you and this is a one off something you did not even follow through with she will cope she will forgive u. I wish that was the case with my hubby of 3 years the difference is there has been countless and I mean countless of adds he hass put on sexual hook up websites for "fun", escort pages, I've even got into his call registers a number of times only to google the numbers from the previous weekend or nights we've had apart bcos of these ongoing issues only to be directed to sites such as Craigslist locanto backpage, private escorts with there adds this has happened too many times to count. He is 44 and I'm 30 we got married in 2014 it was only 2bmonths following I managed to find emails about adds he had replied too... He swore nothing ever happened I was so desperate I msg these girls pretending to be him and they've all confirmed another booking and remember him. He has a number of alias's on some really out there hook up sites.. I've found sex toys "penis pumps" numerous amounts of Viagra hidden in all sorts of places from cars storage sheds our caravan. . All used not with me. He swears on his own children's lives he has never followed through and all the toys are old. Im ridiculously confused bcos I want to believe him when he crys full tears and always ses to me I'm all he wants there is only me.... But how do I believe this at one point I started to blame myself think I wasn't good enough. I've even considered professional help for him but he doesn't believe he has a problem and its all in my imagination. . I'm at a complete loss.. Bcos any time I've left moved out tried to heal and move forward he harasses me works on me makes me feel sorry for him and charms me back in I really want to believe when he promises it will never happen again but it does bomb shell after bomb shell he truly believes it's me cheating on him. Tbh I'm not perfect i met him whilst working in the adult industry so what did I really expect but I've got a good heart and want to believe that ppl can change I'm living proof of this when he decided to marry me I never looked back and it's the last thing id ever want to relive again, he turned me against it called it a dark dirty world yet is delving into left right and centre every ttime I turn my back or we are having some troubles usually over this same stuff e g the last dirty hook up site he was caught on.. I'm really at My wits end and am ashamed of myself for letting it go on and accepting this for far too long this wasn't the girl I was a few years ago or anything I would ever stand for now I'm in those shoes and although I've seen the evidence he still will not admit it not even at my lowest desperate bid for awnsers the truth I deserve and have pleaded for all to my own further detriment. I can forgive if it had happened even a couple of times and he had been consistent in staying true and not continuing this behaviour time and time again I think I could truly get over it but it's still not ceasing why is it I still love this man so deeply and accept him that he has flaws like us all and try to think he is human after all.... But it's becoming so soul destroying especially bcos I'm so sexully attracted to him and have never denied him off intimacy and believe it or not have been the initator on the most part but still why does he continue to do these things to me? I believe if she loves you she will get through this providing this was a once off all you can do is reassure her and be honest and hope she will build that trust in you again. Goodluck.
 

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You were initiating stage 1 of an affair and that would have eventually led to a physical affair; you know it and your wife knows it so of course your wife is pissed. You basically mind-fcked your wife and now she's going to be hypervigilent and checking up on you, which might suck for you but it'll really suck for her.

It's a very fixable problem though, in my opinion.
 

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This is so weird to be writing, but my wife recently came across a "sent mail" in my out box where I replied to a personal ad. It wasn't anything racy, simply a married woman seeking someone to see movies with or get a cup of coffee-no sex.

I am writing because while my offense seems trivial in comparison to the others posted here, I am getting the feeling that the breach of trust is exactly the same.

Our history: Married 7 years, 2 young children. We have not had any huge problems besides what comes along with raising two young children. We bicker, we argue, etc.

Now my wife isn't talking to me. Understandable. But shouldn't I have actually met the woman to be in major trouble? There are guys out there that do a whole lot worse and are forgiven.

That's the other thing: there are some things my wife has never forgiven me for. (equally trivial) Things that happened before we were married that still come up in arguments. I am fearful that she will NEVER forgive me.

Thoughts?
Why would you be thinking of taking strange women to the cinema when you are married?

Why do you seem bemused and nonplussed by the fact that you have broken your wife's trust in you?

I wonder if she threw him out? Maybe he is living in his car parked behind the cinema?
 

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This is interesting though. I THOUGHT it sounded odd. But I think there is a much greater understanding of emotional affairs today. This is 9 years old. A lifetime in the communication age. I don't think someone would be believed AT ALL if they had a post like this today. OF COURSE this is bad. OF COURSE it's cheating. I think most people know that now.

No?
 

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Re: Not sure what to think.

Yes, I agree and have been working on this. In fact we've been getting better in the last few weeks--until she found that e-mail.

Is this an "unforgivable offense"?
If it is forgivable or not is entirely up to your wife.
 
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